AN: Proof that I need to get a life. Fweeee.
That incessant thinking noise
By...hyo-hiyok...something japanese and probably grammatically incorrect that I can't pronounce. So there.
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It was true that Inuyasha went full-demon, slaughtered Goshinki, and turned him into a bloody rainfall of ogre chunks.
What no one knew was that Goshinki had wanted that to happen. If you had to listen to the every thoughts of that infernal Hanyou's group, you'd be begging for someone to rip you into pieces too. Or maybe you'd just want to overdose on sleeping pills. That would hurt less. Well, there were no sleeping pills in the feudal era. So a violent and terribly painful death was really the only option.
Sure, the random villagers were annoying. They died with such last thoughts as 'Boy, this was a bad day to realize I've wasted my life' and 'Why is this demon purple?'
One of them thought 'I have to pee.' Goshinki had promptly spit that one out and stomped on it.
The rest of them were like broken records, repeatedly thinking of how they didn't want to die. Not that Goshinki knew what a record was. He was five minutes old. And records hadn't been invented yet. Which sort of causes one to wonder how or why he used that metaphor.
Kagura had been mentally ranting about the 'asshole in the baboon suit,' as she so poetically put it. Goshinki didn't need to read Naraku's mind to know he wasn't all there. Well actually he was more than all there- enough so for at least two people of differing genders- because that was the only plausible way he could imagine a man giving birth to two women and an ogre. Not that that fully explained anything. Goshinki just didn't want to elaborate any further into it. 'Cause then he'd puke up the hundred or so villagers, chickens, and horses he ate.
Kanna was just as disturbing as Naraku sounded. Goshinki tried to read her mind and all he heard was something akin to static and a few high pitched beeping noises.
Goshinki knew people heard little voices in their heads, but Kanna was completely different. She just didn't hear anything. Or say anything. Or do anything. Well, aside from sucking up souls in her mirror thingy. Really, the girl needed to get a life. And a tan. Still, You'd think after having a multi-sexual father and two very dysfunctional sisters, Goshinki would be ready for Inuyasha and co.
Yeah, right.
-
Naraku had sent Goshinki to fetch the Inu-hanyou and his group. Goshinki sent Kagura. Kagura sent some random dead guy. The dead guy wasn't the best messenger. He just sorta collapsed into a pile of bubbly foam.
"Hey, are you alright? We have some bandages and stuff."
Shippou was talking to a man whose torso was laying about three feet from his head. Everyone backed away very slowly. Apparently Shippou was suffering from brain damage and emotional scarring. Even though he was the only member of the group who hadn't suffered severe lacerations and/or lost his soul in their last battle.
They so couldn't feel the extent of his pain right now.
Anywho, they then set off to find the horrible, murderous, evil, vile, cruel, disgusting, and just plain mean demon in typical fashion. And kill it in typical fashion. And Miroku would use some sort of innuendo on Sango in typical fashion, causing her to cause him some sort of physical injury in typical fashion. Then Inuyasha would make an insulting or uncouth comment about something- or- other and Kagome would tell him to sit and he'd plummet to the ground and Shippou would call him an idiot and Sango and Miroku would say he has no tact and then Sesshomaru would randomly show up and complain about how his sword sucks and it's all Inuyasha's fault and then they'd fight and then Kohaku would show up and kill some innocent people and then angst about it and make Sango sad and then Kikyou and Kouga would show up to deepen the love triangle thingamabob and finally everyone would go home like nothing ever happened while Kagome told dog-boy to sit again.
In typical fashion.
-
Goshinki was bored. Very bored. And running out of people to eat. "What the hell is taking them so long?"
Kagura, having nothing better to do, was standing next to the ogre and think-ranting, much to his disdain. 'Everything takes them a long time. Like killing Naraku for instance. Unfortunately it also takes them a long time to die. Now, I see a problem with this, because if neither party ever dies, I'm stuck watching them run in circles while they never accomplish a damn thing! And Naraku's like a slave driver! He'll say 'do the laundry Kagura', and I'll say I don't want to, so he takes my heart out of a frikkin' jar and squeezes it. Or better yet, he'll throw it to some dog and play fetch with it! I just can't stand that"-
"Please stop thinking, or I'll have to make it so that your heart isn't the only internal organ that's outside of your body."
Kagura murmured something in a seemingly indifferent tone, but moved a few inches away nonetheless.
Goshinki turned his head back to the horizon. The only living creatures left in the village were two human children hiding in some hay, but he was saving those little distractions for when he reached the point of insanity derived from boredom. Well, his definition of insanity, anyway. For most anyone else, killing humans and consuming them while muttering 'betcha can't eat just one' would already be both crossing the line and mutilating it, but Goshinki considered it his favor to mankind to help prevent overpopulation. Well anyway, the kids in the hay were getting annoying. He'd heard the words 'help me mommy' so many times that they no longer gave him any villainous, sadistic pleasure. Just a throbbing migraine. It's not easy being an evil, purple, telepathic, psychopathic, ogre thing. Sure, you get to enjoy people scream in pain. Over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. Only a few hours old and Goshinki was bored with life. And there weren't antidepressants to make all go away.
"Don't worry, Yuki, it can't find us if we hide here."
Goshinki suddenly grinned so widely that it looked like the top of his head was liable to fall off. This was the perfect moment for him to spout out some evil words and be diabolical! Just to add effect, he pretended to be in the midst of ripping apart livestock before he dramatically tossed the hay into the air and put forth his perfected dialogue:
"You really thought a little straw would save you?"
The boy said 'yes' while the girl sniffled and said 'no'.
A very awkward silence followed this. Usually there would have been chirping crickets or something to that effect, but Goshinki had used them as sprinkles earlier.
See, he'd reeeally expected them to scream. Instead they both gave him separate answers. Now he was stuck without a cliche villainous response.
"Well... a little straw isn't going to save you. So there."
"But we were in a bunch of little straws."
"Forget the damn straws! I'm going to eat you, just like I did your mommy and daddy!"
He was just about to do that when the damn hanyou jumped in front of him with his ridiculously oversized sword. Stupid heroic cliches. Never letting him eat minors.
"Oh Shi- Er, I mean... Now you're marveling at my strength and speed! Fear me!"
Inuyasha looked annoyed. Like usual. "Marveling? I'm thinking you're a bastard!"
Goshinki muttered something under his breath, leaned close to Inuyasha, and whispered "It's for dramatic effect." Straightening back up, he said, "Really, though, I can read minds. For instance, the monk is considering..." He hesitated for a second, wondering if he'd heard right. "Groping the demon slayer's... ass?"
Inuyasha rolled his eyes. "Yeah... he always does that. I'm starting to think you're a fraud."
Meanwhile, Sango was making throaty growling noises that could lead one to think she was born after her father procreated with Kirara. 'How is that I like that creep?!'
Goshinki struck gold with that one. "Fine. You want proof? How about the fact that the slayer has a secret crush on..."
Everyone jumped when Sango's voice suddenly cried out "NO! Uh... Heh... I mean, uh, he's a mind reader. I can definitely tell. Yup..." She looked away with a telltale blush on her face, whistling something and twiddling her fingers. Despite the huge, metaphorical, neon sign hovering over their heads, all the men went oblivious. Even Miroku, who was supposed to be the most intelligent one of the group. Kagome, realizing this display of density, slapped herself.
Shippou, who had stolen about twenty packets of sugar from Kagome's bag a while ago and consumed them, was on a massive sugar high. Sadly, Goshinki could tell.
'Really? You can read minds? That's SO cool! Can you tell me what I'm thinking? Huh, huh? I'm thinking about candy 'cause I like candy and it makes my brain think funny things, which is why I want you to tell me what funny things my brain is thinking! So could ya tell me please? Pleeeeeaaaase? Pretty please with lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots...'
The ogre, not wanting to hear any more of that, focused on the hanyou's incoming thoughts.
'By the way, you really don't wanna eat kids. I'm telling you, even if you like crunchy food, they're gross. The bones get stuck in your teeth, and then the heartburn... don't tell Kagome that I used to eat kids, though. I have enough angry, homicidal people to deal with without her going on and on about how eating people isn't 'nice.' Well, duh...
Maybe the kitsune was interesting after all.
'...and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots...'
Or maybe not.
'Will you bear my child?'
Now, Goshinki was not facing the Monk, and he frankly didn't want to. He could just pretend he didn't hear that, but then he'd be plagued by questions of whether or not it was directed at him for the rest of his life. Which would basically be another twenty minutes. Whatever. Still, despite his approval of dismembering living creatures, he certainly did not approve of bottling up his thoughts and feelings. That would just be wrong.
"Monk," he growled in a way that was more throaty and threatening than an Inuyasha growl but not quite as scary as a Sango growl, "did you just ask me to bear your child?"
Miroku looked scandalized. Everyone else looked likely to go into convulsions. "Wh-What?!" He suddenly blinked and replayed his thoughts in his head. "Oh..." he laughed.
"That question was directed at Sango! You see, sometimes my mind trails off and I start to imagine-"
"I don't want to hear it!" Sango cried, covering her ears and hoping that Miroku hadn't been about to end that sentence with something blatantly sexual that would have her throwing up in the back of her mouth. Goshinki would have covered his ears, but he really didn't know where they were. Maybe he didn't have any. After all, if his father could give birth to him, then he could hear without ears. Not that it would have helped anyway, with the whole 'mind reading' thing.
Anyway, seeing a child that was half seductive monk with a hole in his hand and half drooling man-eating ogre thing would easily become the most disturbing moment in Miroku's life. Except for the time he got a bit tipsy and asked a woman to bear his child. Only it was actually a very feminine member of the male gender, and he sadly hadn't realized that until he woke up next to the person with no recollection of what he'd been doing the night before. The man was very, very happy to explain such things in excruciating detail. That's when Miroku gained the ability to run faster than any human being should be able to do. Then there was the time he 'accidentally' came upon a hot spring where Sango and Kagome were supposed to be bathing. All he saw was Kaede. Bathing. Naked. Even though that's pointing out the obvious. Rubbing sandpaper over his eyes and then attempting to gouge them out didn't help soothe the pain of such a horrifying sight. When he calmed down somewhat, he remembered the fact that all of the bad images were stored in his brain. The only problem was that Kagome was the only one with access to electricity, and she refused to find a way to send several thousand volts of it through Miroku's brain because it could hurt and potentially 'kill' him. What she didn't know was that Miroku had already suffered a fate worse than death.
Well... this sure has become awkward/creepy/irrelevant. We digress. And Goshinki was just as disturbed as you are by Miroku having a brush with homosexuality and seeing Kaede naked.So let's fast forward a little:
'Ugh,' Kagome thought, 'Miroku's such a pervert! And every time he does something like that, I get some strange song stuck in my head! Like that one American song I heard once... like a virgin? Aww, crap, now I'm hearing it again!'
The ogre heard something strange and foreign in his head. And annoying.
"Make that infernal noise stop, now!"
"It's not like I want to hear about virgins being touched for the very first time or whatever it is!" Kagome retaliated. Quite loudly.
"O-ho!" Cried Miroku. "I never knew, Kagome!"
"It's a song!" She yelled, "And it's stuck in my head!"
Shippou, whose brain had just finished processing the 'and lots and lots of sugar on top' line, finally entered the conversation. "I know a song that got stuck in my head!" he cried. "It goes like this: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves..."
"If you continue to sing that," growled Inuyasha, "I will personally rip out your nerves."
Truthfully though, Inuyasha probably wouldn't know the difference between a nerve and an intestine, meaning his disembowelment of Shippou would look less like ritualistic murder and more like spontaneous combustion.
"Osuwari."
Inuyasha plummeted to the ground. That's it. There wasn't a bed of nails, toothpicks, jagged glass, hot coals, little margarita umbrellas or anything else that would make it bloodier and therefore funnier.
Goshinki was bored. Again.
"Shouldn't we be trying to kill each other or something?"
Inuyasha suddenly seemed to have an epiphany and looked down at his sword. "Wow, you're right. We were supposed to be killing each other. Especially since you smell like that bastard Naraku."
"And he has the spider on his back," Miroku said in a bored tone. "We're obligated to point that out."
'Of course, seeing the scar on Kagura's back was much more convenient, since a beautiful woman without a shirt on is much more enjoyable than a gruesome ogre with nothing on at all. But I digress.'
Ignoring the monk and his own inquiries as to why Naraku was neither asexual or vice-versa and deciding that it was as good a time as any to have a 'nefarious purple incarnation ogre demon mind reader whatchamacallit' moment, Goshinki decided to go on the villainous rant that had been prolonged for waaaay too long.
"You've met my sisters Kanna and Kagura. They were only opening acts to pass the time, until Goshinki was born."
"I guess saying you're conceited would only be pointing out the obvious, huh?" remarked Inuyasha dryly.
"Wait," began Kagome. "What kind of opening act? A good one that's followed by something even better, or an excellent one that serves the purpose of attracting an audience before they realize that all the other acts really suck?"
"When you say 'suck' do you mean like Miroku's wind tunnel, or do you mean it in the sense that something is stupid?" asked Shippou, thereby reminding everyone that he did indeed exist, and did serve a purpose other than annoying Inuyasha or standing around looking cute.
Miroku, who had suddenly donned a very suggestive look, began to say "Or, Kagome-sama, do you mean to say it in a completely different way altogether?"
Sango, who had tenuously been trying to keep her sanity for the past few minutes, realized that it truly was an incredibly futile effort. 'Stupid... pervert...Miroku... kill...'
Suddenly realizing that she'd thought of him as 'Miroku' and not 'Houshi-sama' in the presence of a mind-reader that could possibly exploit those thoughts in some way shape or form that would probably have Kagome squeaking in delight and Miroku romanticizing and or teasing her to no end, she immediately started thinking adamant thoughts of denial.
Goshinki was trying to ignore her. It was hard. Inuyasha, meanwhile, had tried to attack, but luckily for Goshinki, he missed and cut down a tree. It was, however, enough to snap everyone back to... er... reality? Yeah. Reality. You know, the one where monsters rip people apart and men can give birth to women and things get sucked into black holes and people can be resurrected several times and everyone has fuzzy animal parts? Hmm...maybe that last part needs some rephrasing.
Anyway, back to the virtually nonexistent plot.
The next time Inuyasha swung at Goshinki, he was quickly knocked aside.
"How many frigging times do I have to explain that I can read minds? I knew just where that big-ass sword of yours was going! How can you be so deaf with those oversized ears?! I know all of your weaknesses!" Taking a moment to calm himself, the ogre decided to victimize everyone just to get rid of his frustration. He turned to Miroku as saimyosho/poison insects/fuglybeethings randomly showed up. "You cannot use the wind tunnel, monk, lest you be poisoned."
Miroku looked at him like he was the biggest moron he'd ever seen. 'And that has stopped me... when, now?'
Next came Sango. "And you, slayer, are unable to fight. The pain from the hiraikotsu's blow is such that you can't move."
Sango snapped back to... aw, never mind... and looked at him dryly. "Yes, that would explain why I've been sitting on Kirara, wincing in pain from time to time and generally not moving since we arrive here. Really, I'm glad to know you find out such fascinating and secretive things when reading our minds. Do carry on."
Miroku snickered while Goshinki muttered something about 'damn unrepressed females spouting sarcastic comments instead of bowing down in fear'. He then turned to Kagome, because she was much less likely to annoy him intentionally. It was fair game that she'd unintentionally annoy him to the point where he'd want to stick a hook up his nose and pull out his brain in little chunks just to make the infernal noises go away. Who's really keeping track though?
"Don't think about shooting an arrow at me Kagome. I'll kill you before you can draw your bow."
Kagome looked surprised for a grand total of ten seconds before her brain processed the line. Then she was just insulted.
"Wait... you'll just kill me? I thought you knew everyone's weaknesses! You pointed them out to Miroku and Sango, after all! Are you insinuating that you can kill me, weakness or no weakness, because I'm not strong enough for you?!"
"In basis, yes."
Kagome gawked as Inuyasha nodded in agreement.
"No offense Kagome, but you usually are the damsel in distress. And even if you aren't and manage to draw your bow, you kinda have this habit of, well, missing your target. Don't worry though, because if you actually hit something, you kick ass!"
Shippou was nervous. What would the demon say to him?
Nothing, of course. That would be a waste of precious, precious oxygen.
Meanwhile, the two children from the hay had found their parents heads.
And they lived happily ever after.
The End.
Oh, wait. It wasn't supposed to end there. Oopsy.
Well, anyway, the two kids were holding their parent's heads. (WTF...?) That sounds depressing. It's like 'Mom's got a problem hanging over her head! Her body is missing!' Sounds like an awkward moment if there ever was one.
Inuyasha pointed out the obvious by asking, "Are those your parents?" That's right, someone other than Kagome pointed out the obvious. What now.
"Inuyasha, you're only half a demon, right? Half the blood flowing in you is a demons, and you still don't know the pleasure of devouring humans?"
"Shut up!" shouted Inuyasha, using his two favorite words in his twenty-five-word vocabulary. "I already told you that I do!" Yup. He walked right into admitting his cannibalism. Poor Kagome. The horrified look on her face was funny.
Since that's obviously not going to be resolved for a while, let's just skip to the part where Inuyasha tries to kill Goshinki again. Goshinki, who was extremely tired of these annoying people, tried to swallow the tessaiga in hope of stabbing and killing himself. He succeeded in both snapping it in half and destroying Inuyasha's true love. Wait... just said the same thing twice.
Out of frustration, Goshinki knocked both Inuyasha and Miroku unconscious. Though that technically only happened to Miroku. Inuyasha, who was half demon and supposedly stronger, almost got ripped to shreds. Makes perfect sense, really. If you (don't) think about it.
Miroku had received his injury when Kagome went into hysterics at the Inuyasha's bloody, unmoving body.
"INNNNNNUUUUUUUUUUYAAAAAAAAAASHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she cried dramatically, running towards him in slow motion.
That's when Miroku ran in front of Kagome in slow motion. Goshinki raised a clawed hand in slow motion, and hit Miroku with it in slow motion. He flew backwards in slow motion, while Sango and Shippou respectively cried either 'Houshi-sama' or 'Miroku' in slow motion. Then Kirara sneezed in slow motion, and little bits of cat saliva flew through the air in slow motion.
Meanwhile, Inuyasha was on the ground, bleeding in slow motion. Just to end the repetition, a random bird spontaneously combusted while flying overhead. Wheeeee.
Goshinki would have been fairly happy with this turn of events if it weren't for one little thing.
Inuyasha suddenly went full demon and ripped one of his arms off.
A Band-Aid would have been nice at that point in time. 'Cause mind reading wasn't really helping him. Inuyasha's thoughts were pretty brainless now. Like, more than before.
'BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! DIE, purple thing, DIE! BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!
Goshinki finally realized the fundamental truth of life: It sucked. So he let Inu rip him into itsy-bitsy pieces like the expendable background character that he was. After that, Sesshoumaru had Goshinki's teeth made into a sword, and he finally thought he could live a happy life under the name tokajin. His only problem? An annoyingly preachy sword named tenseiga.
'It's not nice to kill things Goshinki. You should resurrect things like I do, and fill the world with happiness, and joy, and happiness...'
'Just shut the hell up.'
'...and joy...'
Yeah. Life sucked.
-
Meanwhile, Inuyasha and the others continued to chase Naraku for another twenty years or so. Inuyasha had a rendevous with Kikyou, Kagome kept failing at school, Miroku got poisoned, Something sad happened to Sango, and Shippou ate candy, eventually developing ADD. None of them aged a day.
And Jaken started a brothel. He lived happily with fifty wives and hundreds of toad children.
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AN: Not induced by drugs. I need to write something MirokuSango themed...