Why Josh Can Never Open the Mail
"Donna!" Josh yelled loud enough for people in Virginia to hear. She knew he wasn't doing anything of great important because she knew everything that was on his deck.
He was just killing time before he had to go to his meeting. "Donna!"
"You bellowed?" She stood in the doorway looking at her boss who was smiling broadly, which couldn't be a good thing.
"Congratulate me Donna. I won!" he said, raising his fists in victory. He swung himself around in the chair like a little boy "I won! I am a warrior, a champion I could go on and on but you get my meaning."
"Oh and I was so hoping you would."
"Mock me if you must, but I'm an internet auction god."
"So what did you win your greatest?" God she loved messing with him.
"I saw it, like a stealthy cat preying upon it's victim, I waited three days and nights. Finally, it was in my grasp. I played with them for awhile until I went in for the kill!"
"Josh you didn't track down wildebeests in the Mojave you bought some sports thing on Ebay."
"Ya know you can just suck the fun out of any situation."
"That's my job to suck fun. Oh wait that's did come that right" Josh gave her a smirk for all her quick wit Donna's innocents occasionally shown threw which was refreshing in this jaded town. "Josh what did you win? I'm growing old over here."
"The catcher mitt from the 1967 world series."
"So an old baseball glove."
Women never understand than important of sport memorabilia. "No not an old baseball glove this is history!"
"So an old and used baseball glove."
He looked at her in utter frustration," I swear sometime it's like you're from another planet"
"Gee I was thinking the same thing. Josh stop looking at your "kill". You have a meeting at the OEOB in 10 minutes.
Josh reluctantly pushed back from the desk. "Hey can you finish filling this while I go to the meeting?" Donna raised her eyebrow but Josh gave that "I'm so sweet look". Defeated she signed and took the seat. "Oh I want it to come here. I want to show it to everybody"
Just then Sam came to the door. "Ready? I've got the reports." Sam motion under his arm.
"I got it buddy! I won!" Sam clapped his hands and gave a thumbs up and as they left the building. Donna could hear them talking about the mitt with the same vigor they talked about fixing the education or passing a bill the president wanted. It was kinda nice that they talking about something else for a change. Donna quickly finished putting in the information in the computer. She knew Josh credit card number by heart.
The rest of the day went by pretty uneventful so that meant she could maybe get home by decent hour like 7:00. She walked into her apartment that she shared with a roommate. It was the perfect solution. Her roommate worked for a nonprofit organization. Sometimes it was nice to talk to somebody who was not in government.
Even though they liked each well enough they didn't really hang-out together. Julie had invited her to an adult toy party the weekend before but Donna had feigned work as excuse to get out of it. She knew that most of the women at party could be a little raunchy and quiet frankly, she couldn't deal with knowing what kind of devices and toys other assistances and secretaries had. How can you have a serious conversion when in the back of your head thinking "I wonder if the assistant to the Secretary of Treasury liked the fur line handcuffs?" It would just be too weird. Julie and one of there mutual friends had teased Donna about being a prude. She didn't think of herself as prude she had had boyfriends but she didn't want to think about what kind of devices her friend and coworkers uses.
However, curiosity got the better of her. She saw the catalog laying on the coffee table and she thumbed thought it. All the expected things and longrea went into what could only be describes as the dress-up section. There was the naughty nurse, French maid, genie and kitty cat costumes and then something caught her eye. It was a bunny costume. It looked like the standard 1970's playboy costume expect the ears were different not the cheap plastic kind she had seen before. These seemed to have faux fur. Her niece loved to play dress-up and loved to dress-up as a bunny. Her sister had already bought two bunny outfits. One she grew out of fast and the other she wore-out.
Julie walked in then. Donna asked if it was too late to put in an order. Nobody would really be able to tell that the ears were from a naughty catalog. Her roommate told her that there was still time and Donna filled out the order form.
A few day's later Donna came in early and went to the mailroom to get Josh's package. She set it on one of the chairs in his office and went to her own work. Josh came in later and threw his coat over the chair and the box. He sat down to work and then noticed across the bullpen the man from the mailroom was passing out that morning's deliveries. He watched as the man placed a package along with some mail at Donna's empty desk. Donna must have been at a meeting or maybe in, the bathroom. He scurried over to the assistant's desk grabbed the package and went back to his own office.
Josh, in all his excitement, motioned for Sam to come over and marvel at his purchase. "This is going to be the quintessential piece in my memorabilia collection. I'm gonna put it in a display case and maybe have a spotlight installed in my house!" He boasted.
"You da man!" Sam said. Josh rummaged around the inside of his desk drawer, looking for a box cutter or letter opener. Anything that would cut the tape. He found something and ripped open the package like a kid at Christmas, except he was Jewish. He took the packing slip off, which he noticed Donna had addressed to herself, and removed the foam material and reached in to get his prize. To his surprise, however, what he pulled out was not a glove, but a pink Super Thumper Jackrabbit vibrater. Josh was stunned as he looked it over. He reached into the box again wonder what else could be there. Inside were batteries and lubricant.
Sam looked at Josh holding the vibrator. "This makes me uncomfortable. You don't know how uncomfortable this makes me." He said.
"DONNA!" Josh shouted. Donna knew that scream. It was the scream Josh used when republicans had done something to piss him off. She walked into the office and saw that her boss was holding a pink vibrater. "What is this? Where's my glove."
"It's right there." She said pointing to the chair with the coat over it. "Joshua, why do you have that? Why are you holding that…thing?" She questioned.
"It's yours!"
"It's not mine!" Donna said grabbing the package slip. "I didn't order this! I ordered bunny ears!"
"Okay, now I'm really disturbed." Sam said. "I'm just gonna be in my office if you need anything. And please, god, don't need anything.
Josh had a grin on his face and was putting batteries in the apparatus. "How come you order this?"
"I didn't! I ordered bunny ears!"
"No Donna you ordered a vibrater. It says so right here on the slip"
"Joshua I did NOT order a vibrater!"
"Yes you did. Look, it's right here going whirly in my hand and the ears on it are going crazy! It says here it has 75 different speeds"
"I did NOT order a vibrator! I'm from Wisconsin!" Josh, knowing there was probably a mix up, decided to tease her just a little bit more.
Donna reached over and picked up the box with his glove in it. It was quickly opened and he lost interest in the sex toy for the new toy. Josh began pounding his fist into the mitt like all guys did. She picked up the vibrater, turned it off and started to place it back into it's packaging.
Josh saw what she was doing and asked,"What are you doing?"
"I'm sending it back." She said
"You don't want it?"
"No I don't want it. I didn't order it!"
"You don't want your vibrater?"
"It's not my vibrater. They sent it to me by mistake! I've already explained this to you!"
"But Donna you should keep your vibrater!"
"Stop saying it's MY vibrater!" She exclaimed.
"Donna's vibrater! Donna's vibrater! Donna's vibrater!" Josh sang.
She jerked it out of the packaging she had been trying so hard to put it into and pushed it onto Josh's chest. "If you say "Donna's vibrater" one more time I'm gonna shove it so far up your ass your teeth with fall out!"
Just then, there was a clearing of a throat and both the office occupants turned to face the door.
"Mrs. Bartlet!" They said in unison.
"I just came by to tell you that you did a great job on the child care bill. Am I interrupting something?"
Donna began saying "Oh my god!" in rapid succession. She was utterly embarrassed. If she thought she was embarrassed before this was a new low.
Mrs. Bartlet sashayed further into the office and said, "Donna-" who immediately looked up into the first lady's eyes. "It's kinda like a baseball team. If he's not getting the job done, you have to send in a new pitcher." She turned and glanced at Josh who was sitting with his mouth agape. "Nice mitt!"
Mrs. Bartlet said her goodbye and left the room. Donna sat stunned and finished putting away the apparatus.
"Josh-" Donna began. "- I want you to promise you'll never touch the mail again-"
"I promise Donna."
"-and we never speak of this again."
"Deal."
Disclaimer: I do not, and have never owned West Wing