Commando in a Milk Carton
Disclaimer: I only own nothing. All else, we hail Whedon and
Greenwalt.
Rating: PG-13 to mild R
Spoiler Warning: Both seasons of Buffy and Angel (4 & 1).
References to seasons two and three. Spoilers for season five.
Author's Notes: This is another one of my old fics that I've
redone. Back during the season 4 reruns of Buffy, I heard a rumor going around
that Dawn had supernatural connections and would become Buffy's sidekick, so 1 used
it to my advantage.
Part I
Sunnydale, California
Buffy and Willow's Dorm
"So you tell fortunes," Riley said snidely.
"Duh. I thought you'd figure that out by now. Guess
not," Dawn added smugly.
She's just a kid, Finn; don't get out of line. Bessie won't
forgive you for it. "Well then, tell me my fortune."
"Well, I see two gay cards...."
"What?" Oh God, am I that out?
"I just call them those. I'm not for tarot cards. Still, it's
pretty good money," Dawn said quickly. Buffy is gonna freak. It's a
total given...
"See anything else?"
"A hot fudge sundae at the Bronze." Dawn stopped a
moment and stared at the crystal ball intently. "Oh yeah, and your death's near." Corn-fed Iowa Boy,
meet your doom.
"What? When?" Riley gripped his seat tightly. No! I
haven't visited Bessie yet! And Buffy and I... He cringed when Dawn looked
at him with huge eyes.
"In a week or two, I'm not sure," Dawn said flippantly.
Then, she put out her hand. "Pay up. It's a dollar fifty."
"Noooooo! I can't die! I'm too young!" Riley
argued.
"What're you no-ing about? You asked!" Dawn scolded.
"Now pay up!"
"No! Tell me that I'll live forever!" Riley said
menacingly, waving Dawn's crystal ball, threateningly.
"Wait, I see one more thing..."
"What! Tell meeee!" Riley slammed the crystal ball
across the room. It shattered against Buffy's closet.
"You're making me angry," Dawn warned. Her eyes glowed
purple. Yep, ya better behave. I really have it in for you.
Riley let out a shriek.
"A great darkness will come over you. And I assure you, Fish
Boy, that darkness is not a good thing."
*****
Part II
Two Weeks Later
Angel Investigations, Front Office
"Die! Why won't you die?" Cordelia screamed, slamming
her suitcase on her boss's attacker. "Don't even think about it!"
Without hesitation, she grabbed the army dude by the shoulders and rammed him
into the nearest, un-wallpapered wall. When she pulled him back, blood spurted
in all directions. Immediately, she stepped back in horror.
"Ewww. Pervert! You ruined the carpet!"
"Cordelia?" Wesley asked, staring at the bloody heap on
the floor. The head lifted itself up. "Aggh! Angel, demon!" The Brit
scurried out of the room and into the office, fretting about.
"Get a grip," Cordelia muttered, grabbing one of
Wesley's volumes and poising to whack the demon. Its hand shot out and grabbed
her ankle. With all her strength, Cordy put the large book down on her
assailant's hand. "Stupid demon! Get off! Get off!" She beat it a
couple more times.
"Guys, what's going on?" Angel asked, walking in with
Wesley trailing him.
"Demon," Cordy and Wesley chorused. Cordelia swung the
book again and smacked the demon squarely in the jaw.
Angel looked down at the banged up body. He peered at it and made
out army fatigues. "It's a commando."
"Really? It tripped the scanner," Cordelia said
sarcastically.
Wesley looked forlornly at his overturned tin of blueberry scones.
"It ruined my scones."
"I am not an it!" the commando on the floor whimpered.
"My name's Riley Joe Finn! That's what my da named me and I'm real proud
of it too."
"Shut up!" Cordelia said, again pounding Riley with her
book. "Just die already!"
"I think I made a mistake in calling for you," Wesley
said wryly.
"Cordelia, I'll take him," Angel offered.
"No!" Cordelia said. "I really wanna torture him. Besides,
it's for a good cause." She put Wesley's tin over Riley's head. Angel and
Wesley looked at each other. The coffee. It was definitely something in the
coffee. Maybe the extra sugar.
"Who turned out the lights?" Riley whined. "I want
my Bessie! Moo. Moo."
"Yeah, moo to you too, lame-o," Cordelia said under her
breath as she brandished a barbecue fork.
"Ah, Cordelia, I believe that is a little harsh..."
Wesley said uncertainly. He looked to Angel for conformation, but the vampire
just shrugged.
"PMS?"
"This is for all the innocent little demons you chopped
up," Cordelia taunted, repeatedly stabbing him with the barbecue fork.
"Wesley, get the garbage can from my desk."
Wesley came back with it and handed to her. She put it over his
head and sent for an umbrella.
"This is for Angel, making him brood and putting him in a
funk!" Cordelia shouted as she whacked Riley with her umbrella.
"You're a poor excuse for a commando, Finn." She went to the tiny
refrigerator and pulled out a carton of milk and knocked the tin and garbage
can off Riley's head and poured the milk on Riley. Then, she slipped on her platforms, which made both Angel and
Wesley flinch. Both Buffy and Cordelia were into the art of making guys hit
soprano and that worried a lot of people.
"This is for turning Buffy into a self-centered bitch!"
Cordelia gave him a swift kick. Immediately after, Riley let out a piercing
shriek. Then, she walked over to Angel.
"I'm done. He's all yours."
Angel nodded and dragged Riley into his office. Minutes after, they
heard screaming. It soon died out and Angel returned, with a very limp Riley.
"Wesley?"
The Watcher turned green. "I'd rather not."
"Mind if I have a shot at him?" a voice asked. Faith
walked in and picked up the body.
"Have fun," Wesley and Cordy chorused. Angel nodded.
"Looks like I've go me a new punching bag," Faith said,
smirking. She began to walk out, then turned.
"Can I keep him? Y'know, like a puppy?"
"Be my guest," a new voice said. "Do whatever you want
with him." Buffy walked in with Dawn behind her.
"Hey, B."
"Have fun. And drop by Stevenson Hall once in a while, would
you?" Buffy said. "I've got someone for you to meet."
"Sure will." She looked down at Riley, who was squirming
in her grasp, apparently trying to make a snack out of the rug.
"He thinks that he's a cow," Angel added.
Buffy turned to him. "You pulled the cow thing on him, didn't
you?" Angel shoved his hands into his pockets. Wesley cleared his throat
and looked at Cordy.
"Beef. Yup. We're having that for dinner," Cordelia said
cheerily as she dumped the tray of beef into the nearest garbage can. "Is
it better seasoned or marinated?"
"A cow huh, B? Kinda scary," Faith said, grinning.
"A two-in one pack."
Buffy chuckled. Then, she came forward and slapped a sticker on
Riley's forehead. It read: USDA Approved. Then she frowned.
"Angel, did you wax his legs? And why are his pants
wet?"
*****
Epilogue
Yes, Riley did die. Faith accidentally dropped him while she was
crossing a street and a Mack truck hit him. Then, he and his cows were reunited
in the Happy Grazing Grounds, forever cursed to have four stomachs and chew
grass like idiots. Of course, this was a place in Hell. But they never did meet
the devil. I guess Riley was too nauseating.
As for the Slayerettes and the L.A gang... Well, Oz came back.
Spike met Faith. Anya, Xander, and Cordelia were at each other's throats for a
while. Giles and Wesley both got lives and had happy fun time. Willow turned
Amy back into a human. As for Buffy and Angel... they got back together after
Angel shanshued. So all in all, they lived happily ever after, for the
exception of Kate. Something happened to her, but that's saved for another
time.
The
End
