III. Thorned Roses
Kohane-chan
"There's a difference between love and infatuation. Love is real,
infatuation's an false impression. If so, why does it hurt more than it should?"
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"In this state of infatuation,
the pain seems a bit too more real than what's usually projected..."
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Disclaimer: I don't own CCS or the song I took the lyrics (italicized; except for the quote above) from.
Chapter 1: Not a fairytale
I used to believe in fairytales, the kind where girl finds boy return her love.
I used to believe in fairytales, the kind with a 'happily ever after.'
But now I believe more than before that all good things must come to an end.
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"Can you still see your dreams in the distant, starry sky?
Are they more vivid than you were little?"
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And now I know that it's not possible for me to have a 'happily ever after.'
Reality just doesn't work that way.
It's inevitable and I know it. And because I know it, I thought I could do something about it. But I couldn't and that's what makes living seemingly not worth it for me. And the simple fact that there's nothing I could do about it makes me feel vulnerable, held back and more so, even more helpless.
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"When one forgets to put the emotions that overflow in her heart to rest,
they burn the color of passion."
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It's annoying to the point of disturbing that there's nothing anyone could do and although it's just little things (most usually) in our daily lives, when it collects itself and builds up inside, it becomes a serious and reasonable excuse to blow up.
Obstacle or not, no matter how strong a person is, doesn't mean that they're immune to pain.
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"When one forgets to put the emotions that overflow in her heart to rest,
they burn the color of passion."
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From time to time I wonder, is it true that you feel emotions in your heart? Aren't emotions (according to logical, scientific explanations) caused by hormones? If so, why is it that when I see him or hear him talk about his past (those parts pertaining to his love life), I feel an uncomfortable tugging at my heart? As if my heart twinges in pain whenever I unconsciously visualize whatever he narrates.
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"When one forgets to put the emotions that overflow in her heart to rest,
they burn the color of passion."
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I couldn't stop the visual images coming to my mind. It's something that always happens to me whenever I think of something, maybe that's why I could draw and write quite well if not amazing.
But it's unfortunate whenever I hear him narrate on how he wondered, and still wonders on how his heart would beat faster at the sight or maybe even thoughts of a certain girl from his class in high school.
And on how he firmly pronounces that he 'doesn't feel as such around other girls he's seen and dates…'
Life mocks us. And as many times it been realized, the more it gets more true.
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"I used to believe without a doubt that I could reach my dreams,
no matter how far off they were.
But that part of me from long ago now sleeps inside my heart."
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Why must there be so many ways to get your heart broken, yet a lot less ways to even have a chance to get closer to having it heal?
If only there was just one certain way that a heart could break, at least then I'd know o avoid. Or at least what I could hide myself away from, even just for a little while longer when I grasp the facts that everything will end up in pain anyway.
I mean, just because I'm aware of facts, doesn't mean I understand the truth.
I just wish that life could be a bit more fair and narrow the list of 'Ways to break a heart' from about a thousand words to just one reason.
But life isn't so kind; isn't so fair.
Children find it easier to believe things than people who have already 'been there, done that' while some retain their child-like state of mind; the part that's naïve and still hopes and wishes for the perfect 'fairytale ending' in their own lives.
I used to find myself sometimes (but never usually) hoping I could be in the former group, that is to say those that aren't quite as naïve to believe that their lives are examples of a 'happily ever after.'
But I'm not quite so fortunate.
I had to believe that there was still a chance that maybe; just maybe he loved me as well.
I had to believe that I had the courage to cope and accept the fact that some things just aren't meant to be.
And then I had to believe that there was still hope for me that I could evade a heart ache, like how I naturally avoid certain things I dislike.
I really wish right now that I didn't believe in those things.
Not because all around me, people are happily discussing an event that happened not too long ago in which a 'love among colleagues' has sprung up between Li-sensei and another teacher.
Not because all around me, people are giddily conversing about the kiss that transpired between the two upon request of most of my classmates.
Not because I also saw him walking home with a different girl neither my one of my classmate's older sister (whom had been his previous love interest that kept his heart…anxious to see her) nor was it one of my teachers he supposedly has a relationship with.
And also not because when just upon thinking I've done it, that I seem to be coping and getting over him, only to suddenly have the truth jump out at me like it did.
But for the reason that I got myself to believe that I was only infatuated with him.
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"Dreams are more fragile and fleeting than a glass rose,
so then why are we destined to dream?"
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That I was only shallowly attracted by how his smile could be so warm, showing that he hasn't gone through heart break like how he did back then.
Only slightly attracted at his physical features (I'm only human after all): his chocolate bangs swaying above his brows as he walked, his mahogany eyes gently prodding a troubled student to talk to him, showing that he's listening and will always be there to support and help his students achieve their dreams or perhaps finding a solution to their life issues…
For the reason that I got myself to believe I was only ever infatuated with those traits, I never thought nor expected that the pain would be this real when I thought that my feelings were merely spur of the moment thoughts that grew on me.
Thoughts that I believed in the short moment it entered my mind probably because I was also trying to get over Eriol and his betrayal to me.
Maybe I was thinking too much.
Maybe I am thinking too much.
I acted the way life expects unsuspecting fools to act.
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"Dreams are more fragile and fleeting than a glass rose,
so then why are we destined to dream?"
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Coming back from a short midnight stroll, unable to take the summer chill that makes its way through the streets every night when the usual summer heat that takes over during the mornings of the summer season, the calling of a certain thought that needs to be faced is confronted.
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"Can you still see your dreams in the distant, starry sky?
Are they more vivid than you were little?"
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Taking refuge near the fireplace, with a large encyclopedia in hand, and quietly, with an encouraging hand (literally), the large book opens its covers to reveal its contents.
Words upon words, definitions and explanations…
But besides all that, in the very middle of the book lie 3 pressed and dried roses.
And although not currently visible, one of them used to posses soft white petals, untainted like that of a pearl just taken from its oyster in the ocean.
And another, that used to be colored in rich ruby red.
While the most recently pressed one still had visible fresh pink hues rather than bearing a stiff, crispy brown appearance.
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"When one forgets to put the emotions that overflow in her heart to rest,
they burn the color of passion."
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But despite having been dry for quite a lot of time, the thorns still are very much painful to the touch and if possible, more painful than it was still fresh. But it's still all the same, painful; painful enough to help in forgetting that the rose, at one point or another offered reassurance in each and every little silk-like petal it held.
Perhaps it's because happiness is so much easier to get used to than despair?
Where when everything around us is still so new, so mysterious, happiness is abundant that smiles never seem to part from its respective face.
While as time goes on and moves around, and the scenery and changes sink in, boredom takes over, eventually giving way to frustration and despair, because now, everything's the same, everywhere is dull and gray.
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"I used to believe without a doubt that I could reach my dreams,
no matter how far off they were.
But that part of me from long ago now sleeps inside my heart."
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Like a sundae that had once lived up to its name as a "sundae surprise" instead of now just a regular vanilla ice cream with candy and marshmallow sprinkles with caramel and cherry on top.
Like a gorgeous rose that's main noticeable feature were its vibrantly colored ruby red petals instead of the now stiff, even more prickling brown colored thorns that prick at your palm every time you hold it.
Like love once so passionate and once had been a very beautiful display to the world, that each of you anticipate time of being together instead of the now that you feel like you've been there, done that, the usual on and off romances, and the now anticipated time of being back to before it was before you were committed and restricted.
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"Dreams are more fragile and fleeting than a glass rose,
so then why are we destined to dream?"
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Because eventually, in due time, we'll lose our passion in our hobbies, relationships and in our effort to cope with the pains of unrequited love.
This isn't a fairy tale, like the ones we used to read when we were kids, where love was the most powerful and indestructible thing ever…
Where love is the only thing we could ever wish for to feel happy.
Because this is reality, there are so many things more powerful than love.
There's absolute power, where you may be in the government, with police officers at your command, with maids at your beck and call. There's also money and influence as well, which can help get you out of jail or allow you to carry on illegal trades and such.
Love can't do that for you.
And it's false that it's all you could ever wish for.
There are so many things around that you could wish for to feel happy. Like wishing for that expensive chocolate, or maybe wish that you could travel to another country…
You could wish that you could be numb and immune to any sort of pain.
Because though passion dies out, pain is much harder to get rid of, and it grows faster than happiness… like the thorns of a rose… the more it's left, when you come back to it, the thorns would've stiffened and would hurt more than when it was still fresh…
"Right now, I could really wish that it was just an age factor that made things complicated, rather than for the reason that he was in love someone else… or maybe I could wish that there was a mean of running away from all this."
Tomoyo looked straight at me, silently reminding me that I know better that it was virtually impossible to run away from problems.
"You can't run away," Tomoyo started, "but you could go away to sort out your thoughts elsewhere…"
I turned to her, and before I had the chance to ask what her words had meant when she replied with that knowing smile of hers, "Why don't you go on a vacation? It's not guaranteed to help, but it's guaranteed to keep you away for a while from the things that remind you of him to sort out your thoughts."
I smiled at her, and she smiled back.
This may not be a fairytale, where the princess will discover or meet a way to solve all the problems she has back at her kingdom, but this is reality, where no matter how harsh it is, it's still not enough to not let me recover…
So, I'll say goodbye… just for now…
"As someone said before...that's the end of that," but somehow...somehow, I think otherwise.
I have a feeling that this chapter in my life isn't over yet...
END of part 3 of 3...
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