"Hey, Caitlin, how are you?". Cass stood over me, waiting for me to answer. I had just woken up, and already my fears had been realized. There hovered the one person, the only one, who I couldn't say anything to. I stared at her blankly, as if I didn't remember her. Her eyes, however saw right through me. The pages of me flew wide open, just waiting for her to read them. My face became hot, my vision hazy. I couldn't stand it, just the thought of showing such weakness now.
"Get out!" I shouted hysterically, tears already beginning to stream down my face. "Leave me alone!" Cass looked hurt, more shocked at my outburst, but hurt none the less. She glanced at Mother, then quickly exited through my bedroom door. My mom stood there, horrified.
"Honey, it's ok, it's Cass," she said, resting her hand upon my shoulder. I shrugged her off, not in the mood to have someone sympathize me because of my situation.
The first thing my mother said to me when I got out of rehab was, "Are you fixed?" I took it for it's worth, she only cared that I'd be back to normal. She only cared that she'd be able to continue in her baking for the cheerleading squad, coming to all the games, and in her lackluster life. That was one reason why I loved Rogerson. He lived a life completely opposite from what my mother, and my family, lived. Only Cass had been able to break that, I temporarily did, but was sucked back in. I still, occasionally, wished in that time with Rogerson for a simple date. But that was out of the question with him; it was only a few times when I wished for simple things, though. There was a knock on the door, and then came in Dad.
"You know Cass came all the way from New York to be here," he said, trying to guilt me, "she even brought Adam." I stared at him. Did he honestly think that it was such a big deal that she brought her boyfriend with her home. It was the perfect way to do it. Everyone would be so wrapped up in me, they'd certainly overlook the fact that you up and left for this guy. I nodded, it was better to get it over with now rather than have Mom bugging me.
Cass reentered the room, taking a seat upon the edge of the bed.
"Hey," she said, nervously twirling the strings on her hoodie.
"Hey," I quietly replied.
"Um…look," she continued, hesitantly, "I'm sorry, about everything. Not just walking out, but not coming home when I first found out you were in rehab." I shook my head.
"You have a life outside of your little sister, it's fine."
"No it's not," she claimed, grabbing my hand, "I should've been there for you." I moved my hand quickly away from hers.
"No, it's ok, I handled it."
"Caitlin, no offence, but you ended up in an abusive relationship with a drug addiction. You weren't handling it."
"At least it's better than being stuck in that mold!" I shouted. "Yeah! You know what I'm talking about! Where everything seems so pointless, but then there's that one person who makes life worth it. And then he had to be taken away!"
"Caitlin, listen to yourself!" she revolted. "He beat you!"
"I don't care! I loved him!" We sat in silence for a moment, but then it seemed she'd found the right words to say.
"You know it wasn't your fault, don't you?" she asked, honestly concerned. At that moment, I didn't really have an answer for her. Rogerson was the only one who ever made me feel alive. I could still feel his touch upon my skin even then. That rush of pleasure, of danger, of excitement. Even when he would hurt me, I still adored him. I would see scars and think of how he had touched my life, in all different ways.
"Of course not." I was completely truthful in my answer. I had been told a million times that it was his fault, and that he was the one who betrayed me. I couldn't agree with these accusations towards him. I knew it wasn't his fault, I was completely certain; I just wasn't certain that it wasn't mine.