A/N: My 2015 edition of Risknight and wolfofsheep's TLAPD Extravaganza!
This is my first attempt at writing a future fic of a prior story. Hopefully it fits. *Lynn
Of course I don't own The Big Bang Theory. I just like to play in their world.
Reference to: 'The Adhesive Duck Deficiency'.
...
"I look like a beached whale," Penny said as she struggled to get into her white pirate puff shirt to no avail.
"I don't see why you're so distressed with your appearance," Sheldon said as he slipped into his black boots. "It's not like you've suddenly become less comely. In fact, some parts of your body have been positively augmented."
"You just like the bigger boobs." Penny shrugged on the shirt and sighed as the top was obviously too small. "God, someone's gonna stick a fork into me."
"If I'm following your metaphor, you needn't fear anyone but a crazed sea captain with a harpoon."
Silence.
Sheldon got up from the bed and went to stand behind his wife. He slipped his arms through hers and rested his hands on her swollen belly. He felt her relax into him even as he heard her sniffle.
Penny opened her eyes to stare at the two of them in the full-length mirror. It was a good thing that Sheldon was taller than she was because her body blotted out part of his slender frame.
"You do realize it's 'Talk Like a Pirate Day', not 'Belittle Yourself Day'," Sheldon said as he rested his chin on the top of her head. Their eyes met in the mirror. "Please don't cry."
Penny took in a big breath and let it out, but the tears kept falling.
"God, I'm a wreck," she said and wiped her eyes. She smiled bravely. "Guess I'll have to get another top."
"I rather like this one."
"I can't close it."
Sheldon's hands slid up her body until they covered her breasts.
"Problem solved," he said with a quick smile.
"That's not my arm," Penny sniffle-chuckled.
"Then I suppose I should let them go." He moved his hands back to her belly. "I have a crimson shirt that's loose on me."
"It's okay." Penny rested her hands on his. "I think I'd rather stay home tonight. You can go," she said as she registered the disappointment on his face.
"What are you going to do?"
"Probably get into some comfy clothes, grab a bag of cookies and play Candy Crush in bed."
"Penny, the crumbs," he pouted.
"Hey, it's not like you don't shower twice daily and can't vacuum out the bed." She smiled at his scowl, but to Sheldon her eyes lacked their usual vibrancy.
"Take off your clothes and get into bed while I inform Amy that we're not coming," Sheldon said as he took up his phone from the nightstand.
"Sheldon, you have to go. Amy says that Raj has been practicing saying, 'Argh' in public for weeks."
"A pirate captain never abandons his treasure." He dialed and put the phone to his ear. "Now strip. Only, keep the shirt on." Penny looked at him and he raised his eyebrow in that 'don't question me' way and he left the room.
Penny let her panties drop to the floor and stepped out of them before awkwardly plunking herself onto and into bed. She stacked the pillows so she could lean against them. She then pulled the sheet over her chest before thinking otherwise and tucked the bedding under her breasts. Penny might not have the abs of steel she once had but she had to admit that her plumped breasts were spectacular.
Sheldon returned a few minutes later and closed the bedroom door.
"A colleague of mine spotted this in Canada and brought me back a box," he said as he handed her a package of cookies.
"'Pirate Cookies'?" she chuckled. "Why do they"—her eyes widened—"they have peanut butter in between!"
"While not the most nutritious given the amount of sugar, I thought the oatmeal element to the cookie 'sandwich' would at least give the illusion of health consciousness," Sheldon said as he stripped out of his knickers and underwear but kept on his own white, billowy, pirate shirt.
"Oatmeal, oatshmeal," Penny burbled happily as she opened the box.
"Not so fast!" Sheldon said as he got into bed. "These are pirate cookies. They have to be eaten in a pirate way."
"What's that, fed by a parrot with an eye patch?"
"We need more of a challenge." Sheldon took the cookies from her and set the box on his thigh. "Since you're in a delicate way we'll have to make this a verbal spar."
"And whoever wins gets the cookies?" Penny's smile took on an evil sheen. "No one's foolhardy enough to stand between Pirate Queen Penelope and a box of peanut butter cookies."
"Be that as it may, I propose a series of rounds whereby we converse with each other only in questions and the conversation must have something piratey about it."
"You've got to be kidding me."
In response Sheldon popped open the cellophane covering the cookies and took a cookie out of the pack and held it up. Penny looked between the cookie and her husband's raised eyebrow.
"Argh, matey," she growled as she reached for the cookie.
"A question, please." Sheldon moved the cookie to his right hand, away from Penny. "If you win, you get a cookie. If I win, I get to preserve my stash."
"Fine, fine. Is that a tattoo on your arm?"
"Do you like it?" Sheldon said. Penny didn't know what to say. "Point Sheldor. My turn. What kind of boat do you sail?"
"Which one, the big boat or the raft?"
"You have two?"
"You just noticed?"
"Argh," Sheldon mock-growled as he handed her a cookie.
"Thank ya," Penny said and happily bit into it. "So, Billy, have you ever been out to sea?"
"That's Captain Highliner, isn't it?" Sheldon smirked.
"You've seen the commercial?" Penny said with her mouth full.
"How is this related to pirates?"
"You see the price of fish these days?"
Sheldon snorted. "Since when do you do the shopping?"
"How do you get to the grocery store?"
Sheldon handed her a cookie.
"How many yards to a dead man's chest?" he asked.
"How many yards are you to my booty?" Penny said as she rubbed her toe against his calf.
"Can I use metric?"
Penny growled and popped the rest of the first cookie in her mouth.
"Good Lord, the crumbs, Penny," Sheldon tsked.
"Cookies. More." She took the tissue Sheldon handed her and wiped her hands. "So, pirate, you know anything about chests?" She patted her breasts.
In response Sheldon flicked her nipple.
"Well?" Penny prompted. Sheldon leaned over and planted a kiss on her right breast. "Your question, sir!"
He looked to her.
"Do you know that when I ponder the cartography of dark matter as being long filaments I often recall the first time I met you and how my life has forever been altered by you?" Sheldon held out a cookie. "That the galactic rotation problem of dark matter reminds me of the wonders of your tongue as you sucked my penis?"
"Does that mean I get to share your Nobel Prize?" Penny giggled.
"Never." Their lips met even as Penny took the cookie from his hand.
"Now that's not very ni—" Penny stopped and sucked in a breath.
"Kicking?" Sheldon asked as he put his hand on her belly.
Penny took his hand and placed it on the spot.
Silence.
And in the silence Penny took in her husband, his touch, and the little quivers of delight at the edges of his mouth with each kicking sensation he experienced.
"See? She likes pirate cookies, too," Penny chuckled.
"Not a landlubber," Sheldon agreed. He waited until the kicking stopped before removing his hand.
"Goodnight Evelyn," he said and kissed Penny's belly.
"Can't wait for that treasure chest to open, huh?" Penny said as she lightly brushed Sheldon's hair with the back of her hand.
"Ah yes, the blood and mucous."
"I'll be too high on the epidural to notice."
Sheldon leaned back against his pillows before turning to Penny with a glint in his blue eyes.
"You realize, at that time, you will have to listen to me," he said.
"I listen to you now, Moonpie. 'Babble, babble, babble, babble, pirate cookies, babble, bab—'"
"You're cut off," he sniffed as he closed up the box and put the cookies on his nightstand.
"Now who's got a bee in his barnacle?" Penny said as she bit into her cookie.
"Argh," Sheldon growled before settling his pillows on the bed and lying flat. "Now lie down and let a scallywag plunder those pleasure chests of yours. And don't forget to wipe your hands."
Penny put the rest of her cookies on her nightstand and with a grin on her face turned out the light.
xTBBTx
A/N: Yes, Pirate Cookies do exist in Canada. *Lynn