Someone to Watch Over Me
Chapter One:
Seek and Find
There's a old saying says that love is blind
Still we're often told "seek and ye shall find"
Sara leaned against the door of her apartment. It had been eighteen hours since she had been home and yet she hesitated at the entrance, trying to decide whether another cup at the café down the street would be better than sitting alone in her apartment waiting for exhaustion to win out and she would sleep until the next shift. The last few cases had seemed too harsh even for Vegas and she felt very much beaten down by the scenes that still haunted her.
It was days like this that she longed for something more than work. She'd turned down an offer for breakfast with the others, not wanting to seem so needy because she knew they'd been offering a lot lately. The truth of the matter was that everyone felt a little beaten down by the sheer brutality of the crimes they came across.
Greg rarely joked while Nick seemed a bit homesick these days for Texas. Warrick's temper flared a time or two when he had to process a crime scene just blocks from his grandmother's home.
Even Catherine felt rattled, calling and checking on Lindsey more often, fearful for her daughter's wellbeing.
Grissom seemed the least affected, grumbling more about paperwork and the sheer volume of cases running across his desk.
Sara wondered if he even noticed the changes in everyone. This morning she had almost asked him to join her for a cup of coffee but her pride could not take another rejection.
Her eyes fluttered in his direction when the gang threw out suggestions for breakfast but he seemed too preoccupied dismissing the offer as his head stayed buried in a lab report.
She hung back with thoughts of chatting with him but his phone rang and then he was sprinting off to talk with Ecklie about some coverage issue, practically walking right past her without acknowledging her presence.
If I were a body on a slab would you be interested in me, Grissom?
Would you hold my hand while scraping under my fingertips and wonder what they would have felt like if they were still warm?
Would you stand there with Doc, and let him hand you my heart to weigh and measure?
It would seem appropriate because it's belonged to you and no one else…
Would you notice the scars on my heart and realize how cruel you've been to me?
No, I guess not…
She scurried away, fleeing from his sight but knew that she could never escape him.
He was always there in her thoughts, her dreams and she would most likely think about him while she lay there in her full size bed, trying to fantasize what it would be like to have him.
She stood there now in her neat quiet apartment and wondered if there would ever be more than this loneliness she felt every time she unlocked the door.
For the life of her, she didn't know why she felt so desolate these days.
With each case, she felt the need to feel close to someone, even accepting a few dinner dates with Nick or Greg.
They were simply platonic encounters but it had been nice until she realized that she did want more out of life than processing crime scenes.
The thrill was gone along with the need to impress Dr. Gil Grissom.
The only reason she came to Vegas was because of this ache she had for an intimate relationship with someone she could trust.
She was sure she could trust Grissom but as months turned into years, it became painfully obvious that he did not have the same yearnings or needs.
She gave up the idea of another cup of coffee, opting for tea as she set the kettle on the stove.
She turned on her laptop, shuffling the stack of mail that was either junk mail or bills. She sighed. Most of her friends kept in contact by email.
Her phone sat silent and she couldn't remember a time when there was a message left.
She stared at the glowing zero indicating the number of messages, as if it were mocking her.
She had good friends.
The problem was that those friends had just witnessed the same horrors as she had in the past eighteen hours and she longed to escape even if it were for a little while.
Each shift had been a bitter reminder of how short life was and for Sara she felt as if she had not really lived at all, her life in a holding pattern of dead bodies.
What was once fascinating was now horrifying at just how cruel life had become. She stared at the faces of the dead, wondering what they were thinking just as the life ebbed from their bodies.
Just for awhile, Sara wanted to feel alive, to know there was more than death that defined life.
One day we wake up and realize….we haven't really lived at all…
She understood this even if it did come from a man that kept her heart in a holding pattern, unable to move forward or backward.
The hot shower seemed to help as she slipped on her robe, pulling herself from the warmth to remove the kettle that had been whistling for quite some time.
She made her favorite tea finally settling down in front of her laptop as she scanned through her email.
There was one from an old friend who needed a reference for a job.
She frowned.
The rest were junk email.
She started to delete all of it but then a strange email address caught her eye.
She hesitated, not sure whether she should open it or not but curiosity got the better of her.
"But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
Sweet dreams my Sara.
The quote was one she recognized immediately. She used to read a little of Yeats while in college.
My Sara
The word "my" sent a delicious shiver down her spine.
She had not belonged to anyone in such a long time.
She leaned back remembering the guy who taught her the first thing about heartache.
Noah…
He had been quite handsome with blond hair, green eyes and a body rippled with muscles.
She licked her lips at the memory of how his body felt next to hers.
He had been her one temptation in college, forcing her to miss a few classes because she wanted to spend every waking minute with him.
She had been truly tempted and had almost given herself to him.
Even now it was painful to think of him.
She had been so young and naïve without an adult mother to warn her of the games boys played in order to satisfy their needs.
Sara had never paid any attention to boys, mostly because she was too obsessed with grades and keeping her scholarship but Noah had been different.
He was polite and adoring.
He'd accidently ran into her on the front steps of the library, knocking her books from her hands.
He picked them up, introducing himself.
She flashed her Sidle smile but then went on her way.
The next day he sat next to her in class and for the first time she noticed someone else other than the instructor.
He pursued her with a vengeance and she was of course amazed that someone so beautiful would be interested in such a plain, lanky girl pretending to be a woman.
Within two weeks, he was lying on her dorm bed, something no man had ever done.
His hands became a problem and she stayed clear but after another week of his boyish charm, she was lying on the bed next to him.
He kept his urges under control, letting her get used to being alone with him but soon he advanced to the next level, slipping his hands into places no man had ever been.
She struggled from his arms, almost panicking.
It infuriated him.
She tried to explain but he stalked out of the dorm, staying away for almost a week.
His absence sent her into a tailspin of frustration and depression.
She'd never had anyone affect her like that since she'd lost her family, never fully letting anyone in foster care get close to her.
She went to classes, hiding out in the back so that she could hide her puffy eyes and miserable state.
She tried to talk with him but her calls went unanswered.
Suddenly, he reappeared one evening offering her a shoulder to cry on and she took it, clinging to him for comfort while he smiled at her need for him.
He dined her, romanced her and then he groped her mercilessly, forcing her to give in to his wants.
After a few weeks, he decided they needed to move to the next level, citing that most couples were already having sex by this time.
Sara didn't want it to be sex but rather a joining of two persons deeply in love.
When she refused this time, he was quite harsh, breaking up with her and telling her he couldn't remain with a girl who refused to act like a woman much less a young girl who didn't know how to love.
His words had been quite cruel and insensitive to her plight to get him to understand her need to feel loved and cherished.
For weeks, she did not see him, unless he was slipping into class at the last minute, avoiding her at every turn, not giving her an opportunity to talk with him.
He treated her as if she was stalking him and it only made her feel more isolated.
Noah had been the only person she spoke with in class.
The other girls whispered about her, jealous of her intellect as well as her beauty.
Her beauty was something that could easily be seen by others but invisible to Sara.
She saw and felt like an awkward social reject, determined to excel in books, her only solace those days.
Noah's rejection was painful as she sat alone again, far from the others.
She wanted to keep her pride intact but with every day it was getting hard to be without him.
She thought her heart would surely break when a woman called after him and he stopped to talk.
She seductively ran her hand down his arms, licking her lips as she whispered something in his ear.
He smiled, glancing in Sara's direction.
She scurried away like some mouse, too fearful of a confrontation.
The next day the woman stopped him again, this time walking along by his side.
It was clear she desired him and once again he glanced in Sara's direction.
This time their eyes locked.
A tear slipped down her cheeks as she started to turn away.
"Sara," he called.
She really had not been prepared for a confrontation so soon.
She looked quite a mess.
"Sara, wait," Noah called as his hand grabbed her arm.
She halted.
"Sara...don't do this to us," he pleaded. "I can't stand to be away from you but…if you don't want the same thing…if you don't want to be with me…if you don't love me then…"
"Love?"
He pulled her away from the steady traffic of students.
"What else could it be? I can't eat…sleep…think…my grades are slipping…I'm turning down…other women because I don't want anyone but…you."
He smiled innocently at her as his hands pulled her slowly into his arms. "You do feel the same way…don't you?"
"I want you too."
Noah was about to get what he wanted, her virginity.
She wanted her first time to be special.
She'd imagined all sorts of romantic getaways but none of them involved a dorm room that smelled of smelly socks and spilt beer.
She shook her head at the memory now seeing how gullible she had been.
She was merely putty in his hands as he convinced her he cared for her.
She remembered how she had fallen into his arms, tears falling unmercifully while she offered apologies over and over for her behavior while he stood there and accepted each one without admitting any fault.
He had whispered he'd missed her, craved her and had not been able to sleep although looking back now, she fully understood how it looked and felt to be "sleep deprived" and Noah was none of those things but she didn't notice at the time, too emotional to think clearly.
She'd felt guilty for causing him such heartache and promised to make it up to him.
They were heading into finals.
Noah had never been an excellent student but rather average.
Sara didn't care.
He noticed her.
He wanted to spend time with her, told her all of the things no man had ever said to her and she believed it.
She knew he would be studying for finals but she felt compelled to slip over to his dorm. They shared a class or two together and thought they could study together. She'd been successful at helping him bring up his grade.
She started to call but then wanted to surprise him.
She wore her best outfit, showering over and over and then slipped the condoms into her bag.
She swallowed at what she was going to do.
Most college students her age had already slept with several guys and yet she still remained a virgin.
She spent hours in the library researching the effects of sexual intercourse, needing to know what would happen to her body, what she should expect and how she should react.
She didn't know if Noah was experienced and she wanted more than anything to please him.
Secretly she hopes he had not been with anyone but his good looks reminded her that he probably was quite experienced.
The thought now would have put on the brakes for Sara but at that time, her inexperience only made her feel more awkward and ugly, with no one to tell her how important it was to give one's self to a husband who would be her mate for life.
She walked to the dorm with purpose, feeling quite giddy at the implication of her actions. She was going to give Noah something she'd never given to anyone else.
She slipped into the back door not wanting to be seen. There were girls coming and going all of the time but yet she wanted their encounter to be private, intimate as best as it could be under the circumstances.
She knew Noah rarely locked his door and so she slipped inside, eager to surprise him.
If she had waited a second more perhaps she would have overheard the soft moans and grunts coming from inside.
Her face paled when she opened the door and spotted Noah having sex with her roommate.
She was shocked at the discovery. Her roommate never seemed to care for Noah. She glanced down at the empty condom wrapper lying near the trash can.
She flew out of the dorm rushing out into the darkness.
She found an empty bench and sat down, letting the tears drop one by one.
He later came to her dorm room wanting to explain but there was no need.
She was through with him.
It had been a harsh lesson to learn but at least she had not given herself to him.
The remainder of the semester was quite strained as she continued to live with her roommate who made a point of letting her know that it had not meant anything to her but merely a need for sexual gratification.
"You should really consider taking him back. I'm not interested…really," she repeatedly said until Sara was certain she would kick her teeth in if she didn't shut up.
Noah persisted for awhile but she refused to have anything to do with him.
She had almost given herself to a man that could not even control his own bodily urges long enough to share his body with someone who really loved him.
It hurt for a very long time but it came to an end when a certain entomologist came to give a lecture that would change Sara's direction in life.
Sometimes, she wondered what would have become of them if she had given in to Noah sooner but then she figured he would have moved on to other pursuits, having gotten what he wanted.
Still, she remembered how nice it felt to lie in a man's arms, to have him whisper his love and his need for her.
If only I could lie with Grissom…
To feel his arms around me…
His body on mine….
She cursed out loud, hating how Grissom always managed to ruin any indecent thought she might conjure up especially if it did not include him.
She stared at the emails.
Her brain told her to be logical about it.
The Grissom of late would not do this.
Her heart told her it was Grissom.
Her heart carried too many scars caused by Grissom and so she was leery.
His exploits with a certain dominatrix was the worst pain.
She had licked her wounds, telling herself that it was the last straw.
Sara Sidle was not going to be used like a door mat.
She pushed herself to find someone else but really there just wasn't enough daylight in her life to find someone.
So now, she sat alone in her apartment much too often, venturing out only when the walls seemed to be closing in around her.
She tried the bar scene and abandoned it the first night. She never cared for the way guys in bars stared at women as if assessing whether they were into one night stands or not.
She definitely was not into one night stands.
It had been so long since she felt any sort of affection she was beginning to reconsider her stand on such a thing, needing some physical contact soon before her job drove her to less attractive diversions such as smoking or alcohol or worse drugs.
Sleep was getting to be a problem, particularly after long shifts such as this. It was hard for her to shut down, her brain still processing and reprocessing crime scenes that seemed stuck on rewind.
When she first came to Vegas, she'd used sleeping pills briefly, trying to adjust to graveyard and the fact that her job brought her in close proximity with the object that kept her from sleeping, Grissom.
Her body never fared well when it was thrown into his path for long periods of time. She wanted him with every fiber of her being but he did not share the same sentiment, looking at her as a prized asset for the lab. Over the last few nights, she had worked just about every case with him in some form or fashion and it was getting to her.
She turned her attention to the screen again.
The email nagged her.
She started to delete the message but then found herself responding.
"How can we know the dancer from the dance?"
Your Sara
She grinned remembering her own Yeats line and hit the send button but then thought that she had made a huge mistake by letting the person think that she was accepting of the invitation to be "his."
She chastised herself for responding, blaming it on the lack of sleep and the loss of a social life.
Her toes, however, curled at the thought that it just might be Grissom.
That's impossible…
Still, it didn't hurt to fantasize.
She pulled the laptop over to the couch as she curled up, sipping on her tea.
She was hungry but knew there was little food in the house and she didn't want to face another delivery guy.
Her stomach growled.
Perhaps one more delivery guy wasn't such a bad idea after all.
A response appeared.
My Sara,
"In dreams begin responsibility."
You know me. You know my heart.
She stared at the short response. She swallowed.
"Take, if you must, this little bag of dreams, Unloose the cord, and they will wrap you round."
Sara
She wondered if he would catch that she had omitted "your" this time in the reply.
A response appeared immediately.
My Sara,
You've taken my line. I guess I will have to jump to the end of my thoughts and dreams.
"How far away the stars seem, and how far is our first kiss, and ah, how old my heart."
You wound me by omitting the "your" with your name. Are you not mine?
Her heart beat wildly as she stared at the screen. She had no idea who she was talking with. It could be a prank by a friend or worse some cyberspace pervert but inwardly a tiny part of her heart hoped that it was Grissom.
He'd done such a thorough job of destroying her self confidence when it came to relationships that she wondered if she would spend the rest of her life silently waiting for something that would never happen.
There was a tap at the door and she jumped.
She checked before opening the door slightly to accept the delivery.
She returned to the couch with food in tow.
Minutes went by as she allowed herself to fantasize about having someone to call her own.
She laughed out loud, wiping a tear from her cheek.
It was painfully funny.
She had been miserably lonely and now someone was sending her quotes from Yeats.
How could they have gotten her private email?
It could be anyone but at that moment in Sara Sidle's life, she wanted it to be one person, Grissom.
"The light of lights looks always on the motive, not the deed, the shadow of shadows on the deed alone."
What do you want?
Sara
She slid the laptop onto the table beside the couch as she hunched down onto the couch, curling into a ball. Her body ached to be loved, cherished. She couldn't remember the last time she was held.
If this proved to be a sick joke, she couldn't hurt any worse than how she felt each time she entered her empty apartment.
My Sara,
"I am still of opinion that only two topics can be of the least interest to a serious and studious mood- sex and the dead."
I want to see you smile more.
Smile for me my Sara.
She sniffled as she grabbed the throw pulling it over her body as she closed her eyes.
She was almost asleep when the sound of an incoming email woke her.
My Sara,
"If suffering brings wisdom, I would wish to be less wise." I suffer when you suffer. Isn't it time we do something about this?
Sweet dreams My Sara. Be safe tonight.
The last line made her sit up.
She always said that to Grissom just as he left the lab.
Despite her curiosity, exhaustion won out.
She lay there on the couch, treading softly on his dreams.
She dreamed of a house with a beautiful rose garden in the front. There were rocking chairs on the front porch, one occupied by a cat.
She opened the door to her dream house and found him standing there.
Just as he turned, the dream was interrupted. Her beautiful house morphed into a bloody crime scene.
A dead body lay on the floor.
She stepped to the fire place intent to take a closer look at the photo but her feet were glued to the floor.
The man's hand slowly moved and she cried out for Doc, pleading with him that there was still life in the bloodied body.
She started to scream just as the man's body was being rolled, his identity almost known but she calmed, feeling a soft hand gently stroking her hair.
She curled into the warmth, the room cool as the autumn temperatures moved in.
A soft featherlike kiss was placed upon her head. "It's okay, Sara. I'm here," he soothed.
She never had such a vivid dream before, his touch almost real.
She struggled to wake, but a soft voice urged her to sleep, promising to watch over her while she dreamed.
"Dream, Sara. Dream of me," he whispered.
She woke with a start not sure what to make of the dream.
Her laptop still lay open.
There was a new message and she opened it quickly.
My Sara,
"Now a soft kiss- aye, by that kiss, I vow an endless bliss."
I am yours. Be gentle.
Her hand slipped to her forehead, remembering the feel of a kiss.
That's impossible…
I was dreaming…
Her C.S.I. training went into high gear as she checked and then double checked for any evidence that someone had entered her apartment but found none.
She shivered, no longer liking this email exchange.
She deleted the message and hurried to get ready for shift.
She started down the hall an hour later but forced herself to return inside, opening the laptop once more to check for messages but then shook her head at her stupidity when there was no further emails.
She kept her eyes from Grissom each time he spoke with her.
It annoyed him to no end but he gave her an assignment and let her rush off to her part of the lab where she felt safe from his verbal assaults that were coated with mixed signals or emotions that only unsettled both of them.
She had seemed a bit strange this evening and he wondered if she were burning out.
She had spent far too many hours on the clock this week.
"Sara," he called.
She turned and finally looked at him.
"Are you okay? You've been working a lot of overtime. We're not that busy…do you want to go home?" he asked.
"What would Yeats say?" she asked.
"Yeats?"
"Never mind. I'm fine."
She forced herself to believe that right until she returned home, rushing to her laptop.
My Sara,
"I love you the more in that I believe you had liked me for my own sake and for nothing else."
You didn't smile today. What can I do to make you smile?
She hadn't smiled that day.
Was it a lucky guess or were the emails coming from someone within the lab?
She wasn't quite sure how to feel.
Was it really Grissom?
Not knowing was driving her crazy.
Drop the Yeats crap. Use your own words.
Sara
She hit the button and then wondered if she had been too harsh.
Grissom was always quoting someone else. He felt more comfortable using someone else's words.
She slumped back into the couch.
My Sara,
What have I done to make you so angry?
G
She thought she would hyperventilate.
"G" had to be Grissom.
No wait.
"G" could be Greg.
It didn't feel like Greg.
She let out a loud "ugh" as she grabbed her laptop.
Greg,
Cut the crap out.
Sara
There was an immediate response.
My Sara,
Do you really think Greg would know Yeats so well?
G
She stared at the screen as she rubbed her eyes.
She grabbed her cell, calling his number.
"Grissom."
"Do you really care whether I smile or not?" she asked gulping for air and blinking back tears as she held her breath for a response.
He cleared his voice. "Sara, I know the hours have been hard. I also know…you're like me. I just don't want you to burn out."
"The lab needs me," she muttered as she glanced at the plant she had wanted to die even though she watered and tended to it every day.
"I need you."
She gulped, not sure how to proceed.
"Night," she finally got out.
She nibbled on the bagel in her hand and then sent an email.
G
Don't play games. You made your point: don't let the lab consume me. See, I didn't read a whole lot into this. You don't have to worry that I'll think you really care.
Sara.
She closed the laptop.
He's just afraid you're burning out…
He doesn't mean anything by this…
She took a hot shower then curled into bed.
She should be thrilled he had taken the time to send those emails but it just hurt, deep inside.
She wanted more than what he was willing to give.
The loneliness was impalpable.
She turned her head into the extra pillow, letting the sobs come.
A good cry always seemed to help her sleep.
Hours passed and she felt the warm hand once more stroking her hair.
She shifted in her sleep, trying to scoot toward the warmth.
His hand continued its ministrations, lulling her to a more deep and restful sleep.
A dark figure sat on the edge of the bed, taking in her sleeping form.
He smiled at how easy it had been for him to secretly enter her home.
Of course he had been slipping in and out of her home for years without being caught.
He dipped down and boldly kissed her, his body stiffening at the soft moan that came from her lips.
She wanted this.
Soon, he would have her.
"Sleep my Sara," he whispered as he stole another kiss. He smiled knowing that he could be with her in such an intimate way, undetected by the rest of the world.
She stretched, scowling at the clock as she readied herself for work.
She checked her email just before she was scheduled to leave.
My Sara,
I can't bear to see you so sad. I only want to comfort you. I hope that you slept well. Be safe. Be happy. Know that I watch over you.
G
Her legs swooned over the words but she forced herself not to read too much into them.
Can I do this?
Can I put my heart out there one more time and risk it broken by Grissom?
The answer came when she worked a double, one involving domestic abuse with battered children.
She had stealth her heart against the cruelty, going on autopilot, void of emotion while the case played out with the parents being arrested for doing unspeakable things to their own flesh and blood.
Grissom had stood by her side, offering numerous times to take the lead but she had handled it like a pro until the young girl had been taken away by the service worker and she felt the lump in her throat constrict until there was no room for air.
She bolted like lightning to the showers, needing to wash off the filth that had spewed from the father while the mother had sat there too paralyzed to say anything, the fear still visible in her eyes.
With each question Sara posed, his eyes remained fixed on Sara, determined to make her cower like his poor wife but she remained calm, letting each of his answers bury him deeper and deeper until she was certain he would be sent away for a very long time.
The sight of the caseworker with the young girl was just too close in her memory of her own personal experience with foster care and it had been the pin that pricked through Sara's shield.
She had stood under the water for an hour, trying to regain composure but in the end she slipped to the cold surface of the shower, sobbing for the fate of the little girl.
Another hour and she made her escape from the office, avoiding everyone and everything.
She felt his eyes on her when she slipped on her sunglasses, knowing they would hide just how vulnerable she was in this job.
He had thought to stop her but let her pass, whispering a soft "night."
Once she was in the safety of her apartment, she let her anger and sorrow unleashed, throwing things about, screaming into her pillow at the cruelty she'd witnessed in the case.
There was little comfort for her that the father would probably never see the light of day, knowing the little girl was damaged for life just like she was.
She cried herself to sleep, only waking briefly when she felt strong arms encircle her body.
She leaned into his body, pressing as close as she could.
His lips kissed her gently on the temple.
She tried to turn in his arms but he held her firm.
Slowly the horrors of the shift faded away as she reveled in the security in his arms.
His voice whispered sweet sonnets in her ear.
The next several weeks she received more emails but more importantly, she could not remember a time that she slept alone, feeling his body next to hers.
He was always gone just before she woke but it didn't matter.
Grissom was finally doing something about this.
She almost caught him leaving one evening, rolling over to see the door shut.
It bothered her that he never stayed, letting her wake with him next to her.
She had run after him trying to catch him before he got into the elevator but he was already gone.
He gave her an assignment with him that evening but they weren't alone.
Nick rode with them.
Grissom noticed the change in her.
She seemed happier.
"Anyone for coffee?" offered Grissom as he pulled up to a Starbucks.
He ordered three coffees, his finger slightly touching hers as he handed her the cup.
She smiled and he returned it.
"I'll stop for coffee more often if that gets a smile out of you," Grissom perked.
She gulped.
It was difficult to concentrate knowing the words that had transpired between them.
She wanted to say more but kept quiet, knowing there would be time to chat after work.
Note from author:
So how do I say this? This has to be my most strangest idea for a story so things are going to be a little weird….about forty chapters and did I say that it is out…there? It is FICTION….do not consider any part of it anything else but fiction. Don't think you have it figured out…just read and follow along. A word of caution: I am still using my old laptop which does not like me some days so if I don't post daily then you know I am wrestling with my computer. LOL. The story is completely finished so you will get a daily dose and then some.
Take care,
Penny