Night of the Hamster's
By TheWainscottWeasel
"I do not own Gundam Wing, Star Wars, or anything to do with space for that matter (unfortunately.) but I do own Genner, Thomas, the flying cattle, General Jones, the Jammin hamsters, and the story so nah nah nah thhhp!"
This story is supposed to be written from the views of several people in the story, so that's why there are different sections. This is the first fic I've written, so I hope you like it.
First There's Quatre..
Okay guys, this part of the fic is mine being as I am the only one who remembers what happened. It's mostly the boring bits, but some of it's pretty funny. The story however, is pretty cool. It includes time and space travel, hamsters, Star Wars, all around insanity, and it also has a bit where Duo gets into some caffeine and. well, you'll see.
Scene One: Hamster Dance
We set this scene in Duo's room, a disgusting dump that is littered with filth and old comics. In one corner an old radio blares out some form of classical music while right next to it a young man with a braid is holding a hamster and arguing with a disgruntled looking Chinese man.
Wufei: No no no you incredibly idiotic idiot! Hamsters can't dance!
Duo: But they can! Hamsters dance all the time when we're not looking. I've seen them in their confining little cages, lifting their little feetsies imploringly to the world to let them free!
Wufei: You said feetsies?
Duo: That's not the point! Hamsters are seriously unrepresented in the free world and to give them a voice I have decided to start a hamster dance routine to show the world.
Wufei: Ha ha! Feetsies! What kind of gay baka says the word.Aaahhh! Duo! One of your fricken hamsters is crawling up my leg!
Duo: really? Cool! (Wufei hops around room looking like a grumpy Chinese guy with a hamster crawling up his leg) See? They are intelligent. They heard you.
Wufei: They did not hear me you weak ugly braided rat kisser! Get the beast off my leg!
Duo: Hell no, I don't want one of those things up my pants. Last time that happened the little thing nearly got into my underwear.
Wufei: (Upon hearing the words "little thing" and "into my underwear" mentioned in close context in the same sentence, the extremely cool and brave Wufei begins to scream like a little girl) WHAAT! You mean that little demon from hell is going to try and crawl up my ass?!? AAAAIIIIEE!!!
Duo: Just hold still there Wuffie (sardonic grin of death) The bite of an irate hamster can be painful.
Wufei: (Wufei stops screaming and jumping and instead tries to fix Duo with a Chinese death glare, which unfortunately for him doesn't impress upon Duo the urgency of his predicament) Duo you big ugly face hugger's daughter of a monk, get this disgusting little rodent off my leg!
Duo: All right All right, jeese keep your pants on. (grimaces at his own distasteful joke) What's your problem anyway? Just let me get my hamster stick and I'll have him out in a jiffy!
Wufei: (Wuffey, uh, I mean Wufei, vaguely interested in what exactly a "hamster stick" could be, looks curiously after Duo and is surprised when he comes out holding a carrot) A vegetable!?! Your going to get the hellion out of my pants with a vegetable!?!?!
Duo: Just watch! (Duo waves the carrot in front of Wufei's pants and seconds later a hamster comes screaming out and attaches itself to the carrot, and Duo's finger.) God dammit!!!
Wufei: Ha Ha Maxwell! Bitten by your own snake I see!
Duo: Shut up POOfei!
Wufei: Poofei!?! Injustice! How dare you insult my honor!
Duo: Bite it Wuffey or I'll sic my hamsters on you.
Wufei: (Wufei eyes the hamsters warily and retreats out of the room muttering darkly about honor, revenge, and the inferiority of Americans.)
Scene two: tea for three
In Wufei's room Wuffers is stirring a large pot of mysterious and questionable looking liquid. Muttering to himself, he does not notice the odd looking person standing behind him.
Wufei: Stupid Duo. Ruining my pants. Insulting me. Letting one of those nasty little rodents crawl up my leg. Almost making me burn my tea. Baka!
Trowa: (AKA odd-looking person): ..Hi.
Wufei: YAHAA! (spills tea everywhere, burning himself and ruining his clothes) Curse you Barton!
Trowa:..(Looks blandly at the now irate Wufei) Whoops.
Wufei: Whoops!?! You sneak into my room, make me spill my tea and burn myself, ruin my clothes, and all you say is WHOOPS!?!
Trowa: (Shrugs vaguely and wanders out of the room leaving Wufei to fume.)
Wufei: Damn you all! May your souls be cursed and sent to a place where everyone is as stupid as you, and no one respects you, and they all make you spill really hot drinks down your shirt! BAH!
Heero: Hn? *translation: Yo Wuffers, Wassup?*
Wufei: What do you want oh wordless one!?!? Do you also want to insult the honor of Wufei and ruin his life? To cause him pain and grievances that should in no way be inflicted on his person, or anyone's for that matter?
Heero: Hn. *God this guy could use a tranquilizer.*
Wufei: BAKA! (Stomps out of room and slams door.)
Heero: Hn. *Well somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.*
Scene three: The Hallway of the Mysterious Door Which Leads to the Dishonorable Box
Kinda self explanatory huh?
Wufei: Fine then, I'll just leave and go somewhere where people respect my privacy, name, honor, and everything else! So there!
(Suddenly Wufei notices a door to the right. Not remembering any such door having previously existed, he decides to investigate.)
Wufei: Ha! This way I'll have something to do and the others will worry where I've gone. It will cause them to think that perhaps I am plotting to destroy them and all they enjoy on this particular plane of existance, and they will worry so much they're heads will explode! Well.(remembering the usual worry displayed by his teammates) Okay so maybe they might not worry, but at least I wont have to put up with them and their spilling of liquid down the shirt of Wufei.
(He enters the door and looks around the tiny, very dirty room)
Wufei: Who lives here, Duo's illegitimate son?
(Noticing a brightly wrapped package in the corner, he bravely strides over to inspect it.)
Wufei: What stupid idiot would leave a present where no one would find it? Baka! It must be a trap cleverly devised to catch an unsuspecting type of person who would just happen to be wandering in a deserted room that didn't previously exist. However, I am not an unsuspecting type person, being as I just suspected it was a trap. Therefore there is no way the trap set would catch me, right Nataku? Even so, it would be wise to perform a few tests.
(Wufei promptly shoots the package. When nothing happens he presumes it safe and proceeds to open it.)
Wufei: Well shit! There's nothing in it. (Suddenly a tiny vortex made of air and pink fluffy animals forms and sucks Wufei in.) WOOOHOOO!
In other parts of the house.
Scene Four: Mayhem Ensues
In the living room, four kids sit around a coffee table, discussing something in dark, terse tones.
Heero: Hn.
Trowa: ..I think Heero just said you can't do that Duo.
Duo: Whadduya mean?
Quatre: You can't move backwards in Parcheesi.
Duo: Of course you can! I've been playing it this way for years!
Quatre: So? That doesn't mean a thing.
Duo: Oh, cummon, you don't really think I could make the same mistake for years and years without ever noticing I was wrong do you?
Heero: Hn. *Ha Ha.*
Quatre: (smirks) See, he agrees with me.
Duo: How can you tell? He hasn't said anything since he found one of the hamsters in his underwear drawer.
Quatre: Yeah, what was all that about?
Trowa: ..(blandly) I don't know, maybe he's got a hamster-phobia.
Quatre: The perfect soldier who's afraid of hamsters?
Heero: Hn...Bite Me.
(Trowa, Duo, and Quatre stare in surprise)
Duo: (recovers quickly from the shock and grins maniacally) How hard?
( Suddenly there is a crash. Relena, Dorothy, and a strange looking girl wearing all black come flying through the ceiling.)
Strange Girl/Duo: Holy Crapola! (They look at each other. Duo grins, the girl grimaces.)
Relena: (Looks up through hole in building) Well that wasn't the most peaceful OR efficient way to do things, I mean dropping people out of a plane simply because you disagree with their... HEEERROOO!!
Heero: Oh Shit.
Dorothy: (Smiles evilly) Well hello there Quatre.
Quatre: *Meep*
Trowa: ..Wow.
And Now Wufei..
Al rite yu weeklings! Noe mor mR. Nise gie! Noe mor nise storees abot the hapee goings on of the fuuls that cal themsefs mie frends! Now it is mie tern. I am Wufei! Yu ar week! I wil.(Uh, Wufei?) Wat Doo yu want nowe Quatre? (Please stop typing like that.) But its al they can unerstend! (NOW!)
Fine then Baka! See if I care if all the stupid people can't read this!
So anyway, as I was saying before some dishonorable freak decided that I was not WORTHY of an uninterrupted sentence, Now you will listen to me! This is MY part of the story! I am your master! HA! HA! HAHAHAHA! Now on with the story!
Chapter 1: Injustice!!!!
In this scene, we are opening in a busy marketplace (if you call three people moving busy) on the desert planet of..uh somewhere, where four weak people are walking: an old weak man who obviously never learned to shave, a younger weaker man with a haircut like Forrest Gump, A really weak little annoying looking baka, and an onna who just looked.dumb. Following them closely was an ugly, disgusting, putrid, vile, but-kissing, snaketounged, (That's Enough Wufei!) All right, Fine! A nasty monster named Jar Jar Binks whose disgusting habits are beyond describing.
Anonymous old onna: You'd better get inside. A storm is brewing.
Anakin: (brattily, like he always acts) You can stay at my house.
Qui Gon Jinn: No We couldn't possibly (At that moment a little Chinese guy comes flying out of the sky and hits Jinn.) Wooof!
Wufei: (sits up and looks at self) I'm alive!
Jinn: Ow.
Wufei: (Looks down at the disgruntled Jinn.) Oh, sorry old man.
Obi Wan Kenobi: Master, are you all right?
Jinn: Yes, I think I'll (Back cracks as he attemps to upright himself)..No.
Anakin: (Whines) Gee, that looks like it hurts.
Wufei: I said I was sorry, and I couldn't help where I landed as I was ripped from my home by a disgustingly mysterious package, and had no control over the trajectory of my fall.
Obi: (helping Jinn up) A package?
Wufei: Yes! I was wandering thru my friends house when I noticed a door which had not previously been there, or at least I supposed it had not been there being as I had not previously sighted it. I walked in and noticed a package which sucked me in to it's dark dishonorable recesses as soon as I opened it. (Notices Obi's skeptical look) It's true!
Obi: Well I guess I'll have to believe you being as you just fell from the sky, which is highly improbable in itself.
Jinn: (Wincing slightly as he stands) A package brought you here?
Wufei: As I said before, yes! (notices two skeptical looks) Why don't you believe me?
Jinn: (Tries to straighten, then settles for hunched look) Well, it is pretty farfetched.
Wufei: Well how about this for size then: You've all been very bad this year so for Christmas the great Nataku has sent me to make your lives hell.
Obi: What's Christmas?
Wufei: A holiday where relatives you didn't even know existed come to your house and expect you to feed and put up with them. In return they give you piles of useless junk.
Obi: Oh.
Jinn: (Shrugs) Okay, I'll go with that
Anakin: (whines) Cummon guys, the storms starting
Wufei: In the spirit of Christmas of course, I'm coming with you.
Jinn: (laughs quietly) Of course.
Back To Quatre.
Scene Five: The Search Begins:
Back at the living room, things are beginning to unravel as the fearsome foursome realize their comrade is missing.
Heero: Please get off my leg Relena.
Relena: (still attached to Heero's leg) Why Heero? Don't you like me?
Heero: Hn
Duo: (To strange girl) So miss.
StrangeGirlInBlack: Genn.
Duo: Oh! Like in Balto right?
Genner: (evilly) No, Its short for Genner, like the rat that killed Nicodemous in NIMH.
Duo: Oh.
Quatre: Get away from me you weird-eyebrowed freak!
Dorothy: (Weilding steak knife) Awww, Quatre, why'd you have to hurt my feelings? You know how angry it makes me.
Quatre: (Little girly voice) Eeehee!
Trowa: .. Hey, that's not nice.
Quatre: That's my line!
Trowa: Well somebody had to say it.
Quatre: Look you monobrowed freak, if you ever steal my lines again I'll rip those freakish things you call your bangs right off and stuff it up your frikin ass!
Trowa: (slightly surprised by Quatre's odd attitude)..That's. not nice either.
Quatre: (notices Dorothy getting closer) Will somebody get this frickin phsycopath away from me?
Heero: (Is trying unsucessfully to get Relena off his leg with a crowbar) I'm pretty busy at the moment. Ask Duo.
Duo: I refuse to deal with that crazy bitch from hell. Ask Trowa.
Trowa: ..NO!
Quatre: Well somebody's gotta help me!
Duo: What about Wuffers?
Quatre: WUFEI! The crazy eybrow bitch is back and she's saying you look like a wussy fairy princess! (Pauses) WUFEI! (Wait's a little longer) Huh that's really stra..(Notices Dorothy making swipe and moves out of way) YAAHAA!
Dorkathy: Damn.
Duo: Where is Wufei anyway? Hey, I rhymed!
Genner: Who's Wufei?
Duo: A Zealot.
Genner: Oh.
Trowa: ..Last I saw of him he was pissed off.
Duo: Like really pissed off, or just more angry than usual?
Trowa: ..Well, I kinda made his tea spill.On himself.
Genner: Ouch.
Heero: So that's why he looked like he'd been bobbing for apples in the toilet.
Trowa: .I didn't mean to. I was just saying hello.
Heero: Well we might want to go look for him just in case he's decided to kill someone and didn't invite us.
Duo: (Brightly) Seeing as you guys are busy, I'll look for him! I think I saw him a little while ago in the hallway.
Heero: You don't think he went into the (Dum Dum Dum) extra room that people go into and never come out of again?
Duo: Well it's a DEstict possibility. (Whips around to face Genner) Wanna come?
Genner: Yah, I guess so.
Duo: What about you Trowbaldo?
Trowa:..I have to stay and help these two.
Duo: (Enthusiastically) O-kay!
Genner: (To Heero) He's not on drugs is he?
Heero: Naw, He's pretty clean.
Duo: Lets GO!
Back To You Wufei.
Chapter 2: Nataku!
In this part of the story we are situated at the house of.Anakin's mom who will be known as Mom, where the five weaklings and the brave Wufei are sitting around the table. The Jar Jar is ALSO at the table, a mistake on his part that could have repercussions.
Wufei: So what do you guys DO anyway?
Qui Gon Jinn: Well, we're actually Jedi.
Wufei: (Looks blank)
Jinn: (Notices the blankness) You know, Jedi.
Wufei: (Equally blank as before) No, not exactly. What's a Jedi?
Obie Wan Kenobi: Hoo boy, here we go.
(Jinn launches into an extremely lengthy discourse explaining the Jedi, what they do, their customs, the training involved with becoming a Jedi, the whole schlemiel. By the end of his speech, everyone except for Jar Jar is asleep.)
Jinn: And that is what a Jedi is, what they do. Hello? Anybody?
Jar Jar Binks: Woah. Yousa talk big time no?
(Upon hearing Binks speak for the first time, Wufei is jerked out of sleep.)
Wufei: What the hell?!?
Jinn: Oh, good your awake. (Realizing they had not been introduced, Jinn promptly told Wufei the dishonorable creatures name) This is Jar Jar Binks.
Binks: Me'sa so happy to meetcha!
Wufei: (Sneers in disgust) Ugh, I would've rather spent quality time with Maxwell than hang out with that thing! What is it, an Italian/Jamaican platapus from hell?
Jinn: Auctually he's a Gungun.
Wufei: A Gundam!?!
Jinn: No, Gungun.
Wufei: Oh.
Obi: (Wakes up and yawns) Wooh, that was a nice na.(Notices stern look from Jinn) Oh, sorry Master.
Jinn: (Relents slightly and shakes head) That's okay. It seems everyone has succumbed to sleep.
Wufei: Yah, you did kinda babble incessantly for a long time there, didn't you?
Jinn: (Looks slightly irritated) I wasn't that bad.
Obi: No, it was actually very good, just a little long.
Wufei: (Under breath) Brown Nosing Baka.
Obi: Hmm?
Wufei: Nothing.
(Suddenly Binks tries that tongue thing to get to an apple. Before the two Jedi can do anything, Wufei is firing his gun at the disgusting creature.)
Wufei: I knew it! He's an frickin alien!
(With their attention fixed on Wufei, no one notices a mysterious figure smack Obi on the head with what looks like a wand. Obi Wan shakes his head, then continues to focus on the current situation)
Obie: (yells indignantly over the gun) Stop discharging your firearm you imbecile!
Jinn: (grabs gun) A little over-reactive aren't we?
Wufei: Haven't you two ever seen the movie Alien? The thing in that had tongues just like him, and it killed the whole six-person crew, even with flame throwers!
Jinn/Obi: (Look unconvinced)
Binks: (From under the couch) Itsa okays to come out?
Obi: Affirmative Binks. We now possess his considerably hazardous weapon.
Jinn: (looks at Obi funny, then shakes head and turns to Wufei) Look, you can't just go shooting things because of something you saw in a movie. If you can't control the need to fire this thing, whatever it is, then I'll just have to keep it.
Wufei: Injustice! You have no right to confiscate the weapon of Wufei simply because he was trying to protect himself from an unknown menace!
Jinn: The only way I'll give it back is if you promise not to fire it.
Wufei: (Looks like he is going to argue, then gets crafty look on face) Oh- Fine. I promise not to fire my weapon...(under breath) Without Nataku's permission.
Jinn: (Having not heard the last part, he hands back weapon) Good.
Obi: (Nervously) Master, are you positive that was a prudent course of action?
Jinn: Yes Obi Wan. I've seen people like him. They are so obsessed they would dance the entire macarana in a ballet outfit if it would protect their honor.
(Anakin's mom and Padme appear from under the table)
Mom: (Frazzled) So what were you telling me about not being able to leave?
Obi: Well, you see we require certain mechanical instruments for our unfortunately unoperational transport, but it would seem the local pervayor of the proper materials will not accept the currency we habitually have available to our persons.
(All except Obi blink rapidly and look puzzled)
Jinn: Obi Wan are you feeling all right?
Obi: (Smiles brightly) Never healthier master. Whyever do you inquire?
Jinn: Oh nothing.
Wufei: (Has been thinking quietly but suddenly speaks) I might be able to help you there.
Jinn: (surprised) Really?
Wufei: Yes, but only if you'll bring me too.
Jinn: (Thinks quietly) I suppose that would be all right. Do you have any problem with that Obi
Wan?
Obi: No objections what-so-ever.
Padme: (Speaks for the first time since they met Wufei) But what if he's a spy?
Jinn: Then I will kill him.
Padme: Oh.
Wufei: (Eagerly) It's settled then?
Jinn: Yes. You will come with us when we leave.
Wufei: Okay. Be ready to leave quickly when I get back.
Obi: Oh where ever are we departing for? A picnic perhaps? I'll pack scones!
(Wanders off to pack imaginary scones as Jinn stares worridly after him. Wufei heads out but is stopped by Mom.)
Mom: I know this asking a lot, but could you try maybe to free me and my son from our current bondage?
Wufei: Hmm. I will try, but do not hope for too much onna. And stob talking like Obi Wan!
Mom: (Grins) Thank you.
(Wufei heads out door, and comes back an hour later with a bag.)
Wufei: Hoo boy I hope your ready to go!
Jinn: You have the parts?
Wufei: Yes, and I was able to convince our dishonorable friend to let the two anakins come with us.
Anakin: Yah!
Wufei: We must leave now!
Obi: Then let us depart fron this hellish place, for every instant I squander here directs me nearer to eternal damnation!
(Everyone stares at Obi for a moment, and then they leave.)
Meanwhile Back To Quatre.
Scene Six: Oh The Insanity!
We enter this scene with Duo and Genner in the hallway, about to open the "door to the room that people go into and never come out of that is extremely mysterious." Nervous as they are, they do not notice the strange dark figure sneaking up on them.
Genner: That's the mysterious door?
Duo: Yah sure ya betcha. One time a cat got in there (spookily) and it never came out again.
Genner: (Sarcastically) Oh really. Gee, I can't remember ever having a cat dissapear on me.
Duo: (Doesn't notice sarcasm) Yah, we really were kinda worried for a bit there. What really freaked us out though, was when we put about ten hostages in there with the door locked and they kinda disappeared without a trace. All I remember hearing was a weird whooshey noise, and then they were gone.
Genner: Oh.
Trowa/Dark Figure: ..Hi guys.
(Genner and Duo both jump in surprise and wheel around to face Trowa, Duo with his gun at hand)
Duo: (Sees who it is and replaces the weapon) Sheesh Trowa, stop doing that! I almost shot ya that time!
Trowa: ..Sorry.
Genner: (mutters) Freak.
Duo: So why are you here? I thought you were going to help Quatre and Heero.
Trowa: ..Well, Heero said he didn't need my help and both Dorothy and Quatre tried to kill me, so I decided to help you guys.
Duo: (enthusiastically) Great ta have you along! We were just about to go on in and check to see if old Wuffers got himself lost or something.
Genner: Can we go now?
Duo: Okay! Stand back everybody!
(Duo opens door and scans room)
Duo: Looks safe!
(All three enter room, looking around curiosly. Trowa spots the box, walks over to it, and picks it up.)
Trowa: ......Whats this?
Duo: I dunno, why don't you open it?
(All three are standing around the box when Trowa opens it..)
Back To Wufei..
Chapter Three: Baka!
The group of intrepid explorers (ha ha) after traveling across the desert has reached the ship. With relieved expressions, they seem to think the hard part is over. As they will see however, it has just begun.
Jinn: The mechanic is installing the parts now.
Wufei: Good! I want to be off this planet before the local authorities track me down.
Jinn: (Slightly suspicious) Why would they be looking for you?
Wufei: Well, ah, you see, to get the parts I had to do a bit of, ahem, persuading.
Jinn: (Dissaproving) Ah hah.
Padme: (Approaches quietly, startling Wufei) What do you mean by that?
Wufei: AAHHH!! Don't sneak up on me onna! You nearly scared the shit out of me!!
Padme: Well?
Wufei: Well what?
Padme: What did you do?
Wufei: What do you care? It got you the parts didn't it?
Padme: Hmmph.
Jinn: (concerned) I sense something in the force.
Wufei: What is it? Stupidity? (Sticks tongue out at Padme, who frowns)
Jinn: (Slightly Worried) ..No.
(Suddenly a dark figure appears out of nowhere and appears about to attack Jinn with its light saber, when a brown-haired boy comes hurtling out of the sky, hitting it. Two more people follow quickly after.)
Duo: WahaaaaaOomph!
Dark Figure: Wooomph!
Genner/Trowa: AaaaaahhhhhWoohoomph!
Dark Figure/Duo: (Pained) Ahaa!
Trowa: (on top)..I'm alive.
Genner: Get off me!
Trowa: Oops.
Jinn: (To Wufei) Friends of yours?
Wufei: I know two of them, but not the onna.
Genner: (Picks herself up) Don't call me onna! My name is Genner PIG!
Wufei: PIG!! INJUSTICE!!! I will call you what I want you ugly.
Duo: (springs off dark figure, causing it to yelp) Wufei! Heero told me to look for you! Where are we?
Wufei: Oh what joy. (mutters) Yuey I promise to kill you when I return.
Jinn: (Has been inspecting the now unconcious figure from a distance and muttering darkly to himself) Sith. Has to be.
Wufei: What's that?
Jinn: Nothing.
Obie:(runs out of ship) The Mechanical componants have been repaired and replaced! Are you in operational order master?
Jinn: (Looks confused, then grins slightly) I'm fine Obi Wan.
Obi: (Looks over Jinn's shoulder) And who might these additional entities be?
Jinn: Well, lets see. (Wheels to face the three new additions) Do you care to tell me your names?
Duo: I am Duo Maxwell! You can call me Duo, or Maxwell, but if you call me Barney or Tinky Winky I'll have to hurt ya!
Genner: (Proudly) My full name is Genner Grye Hunter.
Trowa: ...Trowa Barton.
Wufei: (Kicks dark figure) What's your name Baka?
Dark Figure (or Maul as we know him): (Hisses slightly and seems confused) I don't think I know.
Trowa: .Hey, cool. Someone else who's lost their memory.
Jinn/Wufei: (mutter) Oh great.
Back to Quatre.
Scene Seven: My Oh My
In the living room the furniture is all in disarray, and Quatre is still being chased relentlessly by Dorothy. She has managed to grab not only her faithful steak knife, but several handguns as well, making her a formidable foe for Quatre who at the moment posseses little else besides a pocket knife. Heero however, seems to have figured out how to contend with Relena.
Dorothy: (Evilly) Come here my pretty and we shall see if good always triumphs.
Quatre: HELP ME!!
Dorothy: Bwa Ha Ha Ha!
Heero: (Calmly) Relena, get off my leg or I will hit you with this crowbar.
Relena: Oh, don't be silly Heero, I know you wouldn't do that to me! You LOVE m (Heero hits her with crowbar) Oomph! (She becomes unconscious and releases his leg.)
Heero: Finally. (Notices Dorothy is still chasing Quatre) Need help?
Quatre: Yes!
Dorothy: No!
Heero: Hn. (Picks up Dorothy and throws her out the window)
Quatre: Thanks!
Heero: Hn. *Translation: No prob.*
Quatre: (Looks peeved) You're not going to become the silent wonder again are you?
Heero: Hn. *Probably*
Quatre: Oh, come on! Do you have any idea how hard it is to understand you when you do that?
Heero: Hn. *I think I have a pretty good idea.*
Quatre: (sighs) Hoo Boy. (Looks around room) Where is everybody?
Heero: Hn. *They went to look for Wufei.*
Quatre: (Thoughtfully) I wonder if we should look for them. They might need our help after all.
Heero: Hn. *Yah, that might be a good idea.*
Quatre: (Looks annoyed) You're not going to help at all are you?
Heero: Hn. *Probably not if you can't understand me.*
Quatre: This is going to be a long day.
Back To Wufei.
Chapter Four: Dishonor!!!
Wufei, Jinn, Duo, Obi, and Maul are sitting around a small table in the spaceship. Genner, Padme, and Anakin are in the back looking at the droids. The Queen and her guards are in the very far back. A flying cat with a wand hovers unseen behind a box, watching the proceedings.
Wufei: So you don't remember anything?
Maul: Na ah. Nope.
Wufei: Great.
Jinn: An interesting case to say the least.
Maul: I don't think it's interesting! I can't remember a single damned thing!
Obi: Tut tut, such language, and from such a youthful urchin.
Maul: (Quizzical) What's up with that fag?
Jinn: (Annoyed at the use of the word fag in respect to his Padawan) Keep a civil tongue in your head or you may lose it. To tell you the truth, we're not sure what's wrong with him.
Duo: (Looks up from jar of peanut butter he is devouring) He's probably just like Trowa. He'll get it back eventually. Say, where is Trowa?
Wufei: How the hell should I know? I don't keep tabs on that freak. TROWA!!
Trowa: (Appears from behind box)..Look what I found.
(A large furry bug-eyed Persian with wings and a wand comes fluttering from behind the box)
Wufei: (Eyes slightly bugged himself) What the Hell!?!?
Persian: Yo.
Trowa: ..Everyone, I'd like you to meet the fan-fic fairy General Jones.
Jones: (Takes seat on table) Like I said, Yo.
Jinn: (Weakly) Ahem. Hello, um. Mr...
Jones: Miss Jones. I prefers ta be called just Jones though.
Duo: (fascinated and in awe) Wow. Are you really the fan-fic fairy?
Jones: The one-and-only kid.
Duo: Cool! You're my role model!
Jones: (Grins) Thanks kid.
Wufei: Your role model is a flying cat?
Duo: Yah, isn't she cool? (gazes adoringly)
Wufei: Ookay.
Obi: Salutations oh feline one!
Jones: Oh jeese, I fergot ta fix him! Okey dokey, here we go!
(Jones hits Obi Wan on his head with her wand and he returns to normal)
Obi: Ouchees. My head hurts.
Jinn: Finally!
Maul: (Fake sorrow) I guess there isn't anything fer me in that big bag Mr. Wizard.
Jones: Don't get smart with me kid.
Wufei: Why exactly are you here?
Jones: Well, actually I came to get you home.
Wufei: YES!
Jones: But there's a catch.
Wufei: NO!
Jones: Some beings from the vortex, or box that sent you here have escaped and I had to catch them and seal them back in here. It was a pain in the, erm, neck. To prevent that sort of thing from happening again I'm gonna have ta confiscate the box.
Wufei: Holy Cheese, I thought you were going to ask for something serious! No, go ahead and take the damned thing!
Jones: Thanks!
Maul: Can I come too?
Wufei: Why in the name of the rocks that hit my head causing me great injury would you want to come?
Maul: (shrugs) Nothing else to do.
Jones: Well, I suppose that'd be alright as long as you promise not to kill anybody.
Maul: Cool.
Jones: Okay, is everybody ready?
Duo: Just a minute! (retrieves Genner) Okay, now we're ready!
Genner: (grins in recognition) Hey there General Jones, what's shakin?
Jones: Nothin much Genner. Nice ta see yah! Where's Thomas?
Genner: He's home writing a story.
Jones: Rightous. I'll have to drop him a line.
Wufei: You know that crazy cat?
Genner: Yah, My friend Thomas and I write fan fics!
Jones: Here we go, I hope yer ready!
(In a flash of light and a poof of fluffy rats they dissapear)
Obi: (Picks rat off of head) Darn, I was beginning to like having them around.
Jinn: Yah. (Tosses rat that was chewing on his copy of Rob Roy away) Oh well. Want some tea?
Obi: Sure.
Back To Quatre.
Scene Eight: Oh The Finality of it All!
Back in the living room, Quatre and Heero are sitting on the couch after an exhaustive search of the surrounding area. Heero has taken the time to clear out the debris, including Relena.
Quatre: Jeese, we've looked everywhere.
Heero: Hn *Yah*
Quatre: I'm kinda beginning to worry about them.
Heero: Hn.
(Suddenly there is a flash of light and Genner, Duo, Trowa, Wufei, Maul, and a kid that could pass off as one of the pilots if he stopped brushing his hair fell out of the ceiling)
Kid: Dammit, I was getting to the good part!
Genner: Hey cool! Thomas, I want you to meet the.uh.weirdos!
Thomas: Uh, hello there.
Trowa: ..Get off me.
Thomas: Oh jeese, sorry!
Trowa: .No prob.
Maul: Hey, you guys got a really nice pad.
Heero: (shocked out of silence) Who are you?
Thomas: Thomas.
Heero: No, not you, YOU.
Genner: Oh that's descriptive.
Maul: Well, I think I remember being called something-or-other Maul.
Heero: Ah.
Thomas: (Picks himself up) Well, I'd love to stay and chat but I really gotta finish my story. See ya later. You coming Genner?
Genner: Sure. See yah guys! I'll visit again!
Maul: Can I come?
Thomas: Yah, sure, why not. You can help me write.
Maul: Yess!
(All three leave)
Heero: Well, that was.
Wufei: Yah, I know.
Quatre: Well I don't know about you guys but I need some sleep. See yah round.
Trowa: ..Yah. (Wanders off)
Heero: Okay. You going to bed too Wufei?
Wufei: What do you think Yuey?
(They both head to bed. No one notices Duo is missing.)
Later that night..
In the bathroom, Duo is standing crouched over something he's munching on and giggling. OH CRAP! DUOS IN THE COFFEE GROUNDS AGAIN!
Dou: (totally spazzed, his hair on end) OKAY GUYS, YOU CAN COME OUT NOW!!!
(Thirteen hamsters form a dance line and the middle one screeches the macarana)
Duo: WE'RE ON A HIGHWAY TO HELL!!!
(Two cows fly by the window)
Cows: Moooooo!!!
Duo: HIGHWAY TO HELL!!!
(Random objects around the room begin to whirl and float as the hamsters hum an eerie dirge.)
Duo: HIGHWAY!!!HIGHWAY!!!
(More cows float by)
Cows: Mooooooooooooooooooo!!!
In Heero's room.
(Heero is typing on his computer, obviously ingrossed in whatever he's doing. He hears weird sounds and looks up)
Heero: Duo quiet down!
(The sounds stop and he goes back to typing. Suddenly, odd ballet music starts and Duo flies by with huge hair and an ear to ear psychotic grin. Heero looks up and around just as he disappears from view)
Heero: (Looks around and, noticing nothing strange goes back to typing) Hn.
(Duo flies by behind him in a ballet dress with several rats flying with him.)
Heero: (Looks up and around after Duo flies away, but sees nothing so he returns to typing.) Hn.
(Duo flies by with several cows and nothing on but a psychotic grin)
We switch to a shot of the house from far off.
Heero: (Surprised) Huh? (Now Shouting) WHAT THE HELL!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The end.
Thank you, thank you. I hoped you enjoyed. Send me some ideas!
By TheWainscottWeasel
"I do not own Gundam Wing, Star Wars, or anything to do with space for that matter (unfortunately.) but I do own Genner, Thomas, the flying cattle, General Jones, the Jammin hamsters, and the story so nah nah nah thhhp!"
This story is supposed to be written from the views of several people in the story, so that's why there are different sections. This is the first fic I've written, so I hope you like it.
First There's Quatre..
Okay guys, this part of the fic is mine being as I am the only one who remembers what happened. It's mostly the boring bits, but some of it's pretty funny. The story however, is pretty cool. It includes time and space travel, hamsters, Star Wars, all around insanity, and it also has a bit where Duo gets into some caffeine and. well, you'll see.
Scene One: Hamster Dance
We set this scene in Duo's room, a disgusting dump that is littered with filth and old comics. In one corner an old radio blares out some form of classical music while right next to it a young man with a braid is holding a hamster and arguing with a disgruntled looking Chinese man.
Wufei: No no no you incredibly idiotic idiot! Hamsters can't dance!
Duo: But they can! Hamsters dance all the time when we're not looking. I've seen them in their confining little cages, lifting their little feetsies imploringly to the world to let them free!
Wufei: You said feetsies?
Duo: That's not the point! Hamsters are seriously unrepresented in the free world and to give them a voice I have decided to start a hamster dance routine to show the world.
Wufei: Ha ha! Feetsies! What kind of gay baka says the word.Aaahhh! Duo! One of your fricken hamsters is crawling up my leg!
Duo: really? Cool! (Wufei hops around room looking like a grumpy Chinese guy with a hamster crawling up his leg) See? They are intelligent. They heard you.
Wufei: They did not hear me you weak ugly braided rat kisser! Get the beast off my leg!
Duo: Hell no, I don't want one of those things up my pants. Last time that happened the little thing nearly got into my underwear.
Wufei: (Upon hearing the words "little thing" and "into my underwear" mentioned in close context in the same sentence, the extremely cool and brave Wufei begins to scream like a little girl) WHAAT! You mean that little demon from hell is going to try and crawl up my ass?!? AAAAIIIIEE!!!
Duo: Just hold still there Wuffie (sardonic grin of death) The bite of an irate hamster can be painful.
Wufei: (Wufei stops screaming and jumping and instead tries to fix Duo with a Chinese death glare, which unfortunately for him doesn't impress upon Duo the urgency of his predicament) Duo you big ugly face hugger's daughter of a monk, get this disgusting little rodent off my leg!
Duo: All right All right, jeese keep your pants on. (grimaces at his own distasteful joke) What's your problem anyway? Just let me get my hamster stick and I'll have him out in a jiffy!
Wufei: (Wuffey, uh, I mean Wufei, vaguely interested in what exactly a "hamster stick" could be, looks curiously after Duo and is surprised when he comes out holding a carrot) A vegetable!?! Your going to get the hellion out of my pants with a vegetable!?!?!
Duo: Just watch! (Duo waves the carrot in front of Wufei's pants and seconds later a hamster comes screaming out and attaches itself to the carrot, and Duo's finger.) God dammit!!!
Wufei: Ha Ha Maxwell! Bitten by your own snake I see!
Duo: Shut up POOfei!
Wufei: Poofei!?! Injustice! How dare you insult my honor!
Duo: Bite it Wuffey or I'll sic my hamsters on you.
Wufei: (Wufei eyes the hamsters warily and retreats out of the room muttering darkly about honor, revenge, and the inferiority of Americans.)
Scene two: tea for three
In Wufei's room Wuffers is stirring a large pot of mysterious and questionable looking liquid. Muttering to himself, he does not notice the odd looking person standing behind him.
Wufei: Stupid Duo. Ruining my pants. Insulting me. Letting one of those nasty little rodents crawl up my leg. Almost making me burn my tea. Baka!
Trowa: (AKA odd-looking person): ..Hi.
Wufei: YAHAA! (spills tea everywhere, burning himself and ruining his clothes) Curse you Barton!
Trowa:..(Looks blandly at the now irate Wufei) Whoops.
Wufei: Whoops!?! You sneak into my room, make me spill my tea and burn myself, ruin my clothes, and all you say is WHOOPS!?!
Trowa: (Shrugs vaguely and wanders out of the room leaving Wufei to fume.)
Wufei: Damn you all! May your souls be cursed and sent to a place where everyone is as stupid as you, and no one respects you, and they all make you spill really hot drinks down your shirt! BAH!
Heero: Hn? *translation: Yo Wuffers, Wassup?*
Wufei: What do you want oh wordless one!?!? Do you also want to insult the honor of Wufei and ruin his life? To cause him pain and grievances that should in no way be inflicted on his person, or anyone's for that matter?
Heero: Hn. *God this guy could use a tranquilizer.*
Wufei: BAKA! (Stomps out of room and slams door.)
Heero: Hn. *Well somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.*
Scene three: The Hallway of the Mysterious Door Which Leads to the Dishonorable Box
Kinda self explanatory huh?
Wufei: Fine then, I'll just leave and go somewhere where people respect my privacy, name, honor, and everything else! So there!
(Suddenly Wufei notices a door to the right. Not remembering any such door having previously existed, he decides to investigate.)
Wufei: Ha! This way I'll have something to do and the others will worry where I've gone. It will cause them to think that perhaps I am plotting to destroy them and all they enjoy on this particular plane of existance, and they will worry so much they're heads will explode! Well.(remembering the usual worry displayed by his teammates) Okay so maybe they might not worry, but at least I wont have to put up with them and their spilling of liquid down the shirt of Wufei.
(He enters the door and looks around the tiny, very dirty room)
Wufei: Who lives here, Duo's illegitimate son?
(Noticing a brightly wrapped package in the corner, he bravely strides over to inspect it.)
Wufei: What stupid idiot would leave a present where no one would find it? Baka! It must be a trap cleverly devised to catch an unsuspecting type of person who would just happen to be wandering in a deserted room that didn't previously exist. However, I am not an unsuspecting type person, being as I just suspected it was a trap. Therefore there is no way the trap set would catch me, right Nataku? Even so, it would be wise to perform a few tests.
(Wufei promptly shoots the package. When nothing happens he presumes it safe and proceeds to open it.)
Wufei: Well shit! There's nothing in it. (Suddenly a tiny vortex made of air and pink fluffy animals forms and sucks Wufei in.) WOOOHOOO!
In other parts of the house.
Scene Four: Mayhem Ensues
In the living room, four kids sit around a coffee table, discussing something in dark, terse tones.
Heero: Hn.
Trowa: ..I think Heero just said you can't do that Duo.
Duo: Whadduya mean?
Quatre: You can't move backwards in Parcheesi.
Duo: Of course you can! I've been playing it this way for years!
Quatre: So? That doesn't mean a thing.
Duo: Oh, cummon, you don't really think I could make the same mistake for years and years without ever noticing I was wrong do you?
Heero: Hn. *Ha Ha.*
Quatre: (smirks) See, he agrees with me.
Duo: How can you tell? He hasn't said anything since he found one of the hamsters in his underwear drawer.
Quatre: Yeah, what was all that about?
Trowa: ..(blandly) I don't know, maybe he's got a hamster-phobia.
Quatre: The perfect soldier who's afraid of hamsters?
Heero: Hn...Bite Me.
(Trowa, Duo, and Quatre stare in surprise)
Duo: (recovers quickly from the shock and grins maniacally) How hard?
( Suddenly there is a crash. Relena, Dorothy, and a strange looking girl wearing all black come flying through the ceiling.)
Strange Girl/Duo: Holy Crapola! (They look at each other. Duo grins, the girl grimaces.)
Relena: (Looks up through hole in building) Well that wasn't the most peaceful OR efficient way to do things, I mean dropping people out of a plane simply because you disagree with their... HEEERROOO!!
Heero: Oh Shit.
Dorothy: (Smiles evilly) Well hello there Quatre.
Quatre: *Meep*
Trowa: ..Wow.
And Now Wufei..
Al rite yu weeklings! Noe mor mR. Nise gie! Noe mor nise storees abot the hapee goings on of the fuuls that cal themsefs mie frends! Now it is mie tern. I am Wufei! Yu ar week! I wil.(Uh, Wufei?) Wat Doo yu want nowe Quatre? (Please stop typing like that.) But its al they can unerstend! (NOW!)
Fine then Baka! See if I care if all the stupid people can't read this!
So anyway, as I was saying before some dishonorable freak decided that I was not WORTHY of an uninterrupted sentence, Now you will listen to me! This is MY part of the story! I am your master! HA! HA! HAHAHAHA! Now on with the story!
Chapter 1: Injustice!!!!
In this scene, we are opening in a busy marketplace (if you call three people moving busy) on the desert planet of..uh somewhere, where four weak people are walking: an old weak man who obviously never learned to shave, a younger weaker man with a haircut like Forrest Gump, A really weak little annoying looking baka, and an onna who just looked.dumb. Following them closely was an ugly, disgusting, putrid, vile, but-kissing, snaketounged, (That's Enough Wufei!) All right, Fine! A nasty monster named Jar Jar Binks whose disgusting habits are beyond describing.
Anonymous old onna: You'd better get inside. A storm is brewing.
Anakin: (brattily, like he always acts) You can stay at my house.
Qui Gon Jinn: No We couldn't possibly (At that moment a little Chinese guy comes flying out of the sky and hits Jinn.) Wooof!
Wufei: (sits up and looks at self) I'm alive!
Jinn: Ow.
Wufei: (Looks down at the disgruntled Jinn.) Oh, sorry old man.
Obi Wan Kenobi: Master, are you all right?
Jinn: Yes, I think I'll (Back cracks as he attemps to upright himself)..No.
Anakin: (Whines) Gee, that looks like it hurts.
Wufei: I said I was sorry, and I couldn't help where I landed as I was ripped from my home by a disgustingly mysterious package, and had no control over the trajectory of my fall.
Obi: (helping Jinn up) A package?
Wufei: Yes! I was wandering thru my friends house when I noticed a door which had not previously been there, or at least I supposed it had not been there being as I had not previously sighted it. I walked in and noticed a package which sucked me in to it's dark dishonorable recesses as soon as I opened it. (Notices Obi's skeptical look) It's true!
Obi: Well I guess I'll have to believe you being as you just fell from the sky, which is highly improbable in itself.
Jinn: (Wincing slightly as he stands) A package brought you here?
Wufei: As I said before, yes! (notices two skeptical looks) Why don't you believe me?
Jinn: (Tries to straighten, then settles for hunched look) Well, it is pretty farfetched.
Wufei: Well how about this for size then: You've all been very bad this year so for Christmas the great Nataku has sent me to make your lives hell.
Obi: What's Christmas?
Wufei: A holiday where relatives you didn't even know existed come to your house and expect you to feed and put up with them. In return they give you piles of useless junk.
Obi: Oh.
Jinn: (Shrugs) Okay, I'll go with that
Anakin: (whines) Cummon guys, the storms starting
Wufei: In the spirit of Christmas of course, I'm coming with you.
Jinn: (laughs quietly) Of course.
Back To Quatre.
Scene Five: The Search Begins:
Back at the living room, things are beginning to unravel as the fearsome foursome realize their comrade is missing.
Heero: Please get off my leg Relena.
Relena: (still attached to Heero's leg) Why Heero? Don't you like me?
Heero: Hn
Duo: (To strange girl) So miss.
StrangeGirlInBlack: Genn.
Duo: Oh! Like in Balto right?
Genner: (evilly) No, Its short for Genner, like the rat that killed Nicodemous in NIMH.
Duo: Oh.
Quatre: Get away from me you weird-eyebrowed freak!
Dorothy: (Weilding steak knife) Awww, Quatre, why'd you have to hurt my feelings? You know how angry it makes me.
Quatre: (Little girly voice) Eeehee!
Trowa: .. Hey, that's not nice.
Quatre: That's my line!
Trowa: Well somebody had to say it.
Quatre: Look you monobrowed freak, if you ever steal my lines again I'll rip those freakish things you call your bangs right off and stuff it up your frikin ass!
Trowa: (slightly surprised by Quatre's odd attitude)..That's. not nice either.
Quatre: (notices Dorothy getting closer) Will somebody get this frickin phsycopath away from me?
Heero: (Is trying unsucessfully to get Relena off his leg with a crowbar) I'm pretty busy at the moment. Ask Duo.
Duo: I refuse to deal with that crazy bitch from hell. Ask Trowa.
Trowa: ..NO!
Quatre: Well somebody's gotta help me!
Duo: What about Wuffers?
Quatre: WUFEI! The crazy eybrow bitch is back and she's saying you look like a wussy fairy princess! (Pauses) WUFEI! (Wait's a little longer) Huh that's really stra..(Notices Dorothy making swipe and moves out of way) YAAHAA!
Dorkathy: Damn.
Duo: Where is Wufei anyway? Hey, I rhymed!
Genner: Who's Wufei?
Duo: A Zealot.
Genner: Oh.
Trowa: ..Last I saw of him he was pissed off.
Duo: Like really pissed off, or just more angry than usual?
Trowa: ..Well, I kinda made his tea spill.On himself.
Genner: Ouch.
Heero: So that's why he looked like he'd been bobbing for apples in the toilet.
Trowa: .I didn't mean to. I was just saying hello.
Heero: Well we might want to go look for him just in case he's decided to kill someone and didn't invite us.
Duo: (Brightly) Seeing as you guys are busy, I'll look for him! I think I saw him a little while ago in the hallway.
Heero: You don't think he went into the (Dum Dum Dum) extra room that people go into and never come out of again?
Duo: Well it's a DEstict possibility. (Whips around to face Genner) Wanna come?
Genner: Yah, I guess so.
Duo: What about you Trowbaldo?
Trowa:..I have to stay and help these two.
Duo: (Enthusiastically) O-kay!
Genner: (To Heero) He's not on drugs is he?
Heero: Naw, He's pretty clean.
Duo: Lets GO!
Back To You Wufei.
Chapter 2: Nataku!
In this part of the story we are situated at the house of.Anakin's mom who will be known as Mom, where the five weaklings and the brave Wufei are sitting around the table. The Jar Jar is ALSO at the table, a mistake on his part that could have repercussions.
Wufei: So what do you guys DO anyway?
Qui Gon Jinn: Well, we're actually Jedi.
Wufei: (Looks blank)
Jinn: (Notices the blankness) You know, Jedi.
Wufei: (Equally blank as before) No, not exactly. What's a Jedi?
Obie Wan Kenobi: Hoo boy, here we go.
(Jinn launches into an extremely lengthy discourse explaining the Jedi, what they do, their customs, the training involved with becoming a Jedi, the whole schlemiel. By the end of his speech, everyone except for Jar Jar is asleep.)
Jinn: And that is what a Jedi is, what they do. Hello? Anybody?
Jar Jar Binks: Woah. Yousa talk big time no?
(Upon hearing Binks speak for the first time, Wufei is jerked out of sleep.)
Wufei: What the hell?!?
Jinn: Oh, good your awake. (Realizing they had not been introduced, Jinn promptly told Wufei the dishonorable creatures name) This is Jar Jar Binks.
Binks: Me'sa so happy to meetcha!
Wufei: (Sneers in disgust) Ugh, I would've rather spent quality time with Maxwell than hang out with that thing! What is it, an Italian/Jamaican platapus from hell?
Jinn: Auctually he's a Gungun.
Wufei: A Gundam!?!
Jinn: No, Gungun.
Wufei: Oh.
Obi: (Wakes up and yawns) Wooh, that was a nice na.(Notices stern look from Jinn) Oh, sorry Master.
Jinn: (Relents slightly and shakes head) That's okay. It seems everyone has succumbed to sleep.
Wufei: Yah, you did kinda babble incessantly for a long time there, didn't you?
Jinn: (Looks slightly irritated) I wasn't that bad.
Obi: No, it was actually very good, just a little long.
Wufei: (Under breath) Brown Nosing Baka.
Obi: Hmm?
Wufei: Nothing.
(Suddenly Binks tries that tongue thing to get to an apple. Before the two Jedi can do anything, Wufei is firing his gun at the disgusting creature.)
Wufei: I knew it! He's an frickin alien!
(With their attention fixed on Wufei, no one notices a mysterious figure smack Obi on the head with what looks like a wand. Obi Wan shakes his head, then continues to focus on the current situation)
Obie: (yells indignantly over the gun) Stop discharging your firearm you imbecile!
Jinn: (grabs gun) A little over-reactive aren't we?
Wufei: Haven't you two ever seen the movie Alien? The thing in that had tongues just like him, and it killed the whole six-person crew, even with flame throwers!
Jinn/Obi: (Look unconvinced)
Binks: (From under the couch) Itsa okays to come out?
Obi: Affirmative Binks. We now possess his considerably hazardous weapon.
Jinn: (looks at Obi funny, then shakes head and turns to Wufei) Look, you can't just go shooting things because of something you saw in a movie. If you can't control the need to fire this thing, whatever it is, then I'll just have to keep it.
Wufei: Injustice! You have no right to confiscate the weapon of Wufei simply because he was trying to protect himself from an unknown menace!
Jinn: The only way I'll give it back is if you promise not to fire it.
Wufei: (Looks like he is going to argue, then gets crafty look on face) Oh- Fine. I promise not to fire my weapon...(under breath) Without Nataku's permission.
Jinn: (Having not heard the last part, he hands back weapon) Good.
Obi: (Nervously) Master, are you positive that was a prudent course of action?
Jinn: Yes Obi Wan. I've seen people like him. They are so obsessed they would dance the entire macarana in a ballet outfit if it would protect their honor.
(Anakin's mom and Padme appear from under the table)
Mom: (Frazzled) So what were you telling me about not being able to leave?
Obi: Well, you see we require certain mechanical instruments for our unfortunately unoperational transport, but it would seem the local pervayor of the proper materials will not accept the currency we habitually have available to our persons.
(All except Obi blink rapidly and look puzzled)
Jinn: Obi Wan are you feeling all right?
Obi: (Smiles brightly) Never healthier master. Whyever do you inquire?
Jinn: Oh nothing.
Wufei: (Has been thinking quietly but suddenly speaks) I might be able to help you there.
Jinn: (surprised) Really?
Wufei: Yes, but only if you'll bring me too.
Jinn: (Thinks quietly) I suppose that would be all right. Do you have any problem with that Obi
Wan?
Obi: No objections what-so-ever.
Padme: (Speaks for the first time since they met Wufei) But what if he's a spy?
Jinn: Then I will kill him.
Padme: Oh.
Wufei: (Eagerly) It's settled then?
Jinn: Yes. You will come with us when we leave.
Wufei: Okay. Be ready to leave quickly when I get back.
Obi: Oh where ever are we departing for? A picnic perhaps? I'll pack scones!
(Wanders off to pack imaginary scones as Jinn stares worridly after him. Wufei heads out but is stopped by Mom.)
Mom: I know this asking a lot, but could you try maybe to free me and my son from our current bondage?
Wufei: Hmm. I will try, but do not hope for too much onna. And stob talking like Obi Wan!
Mom: (Grins) Thank you.
(Wufei heads out door, and comes back an hour later with a bag.)
Wufei: Hoo boy I hope your ready to go!
Jinn: You have the parts?
Wufei: Yes, and I was able to convince our dishonorable friend to let the two anakins come with us.
Anakin: Yah!
Wufei: We must leave now!
Obi: Then let us depart fron this hellish place, for every instant I squander here directs me nearer to eternal damnation!
(Everyone stares at Obi for a moment, and then they leave.)
Meanwhile Back To Quatre.
Scene Six: Oh The Insanity!
We enter this scene with Duo and Genner in the hallway, about to open the "door to the room that people go into and never come out of that is extremely mysterious." Nervous as they are, they do not notice the strange dark figure sneaking up on them.
Genner: That's the mysterious door?
Duo: Yah sure ya betcha. One time a cat got in there (spookily) and it never came out again.
Genner: (Sarcastically) Oh really. Gee, I can't remember ever having a cat dissapear on me.
Duo: (Doesn't notice sarcasm) Yah, we really were kinda worried for a bit there. What really freaked us out though, was when we put about ten hostages in there with the door locked and they kinda disappeared without a trace. All I remember hearing was a weird whooshey noise, and then they were gone.
Genner: Oh.
Trowa/Dark Figure: ..Hi guys.
(Genner and Duo both jump in surprise and wheel around to face Trowa, Duo with his gun at hand)
Duo: (Sees who it is and replaces the weapon) Sheesh Trowa, stop doing that! I almost shot ya that time!
Trowa: ..Sorry.
Genner: (mutters) Freak.
Duo: So why are you here? I thought you were going to help Quatre and Heero.
Trowa: ..Well, Heero said he didn't need my help and both Dorothy and Quatre tried to kill me, so I decided to help you guys.
Duo: (enthusiastically) Great ta have you along! We were just about to go on in and check to see if old Wuffers got himself lost or something.
Genner: Can we go now?
Duo: Okay! Stand back everybody!
(Duo opens door and scans room)
Duo: Looks safe!
(All three enter room, looking around curiosly. Trowa spots the box, walks over to it, and picks it up.)
Trowa: ......Whats this?
Duo: I dunno, why don't you open it?
(All three are standing around the box when Trowa opens it..)
Back To Wufei..
Chapter Three: Baka!
The group of intrepid explorers (ha ha) after traveling across the desert has reached the ship. With relieved expressions, they seem to think the hard part is over. As they will see however, it has just begun.
Jinn: The mechanic is installing the parts now.
Wufei: Good! I want to be off this planet before the local authorities track me down.
Jinn: (Slightly suspicious) Why would they be looking for you?
Wufei: Well, ah, you see, to get the parts I had to do a bit of, ahem, persuading.
Jinn: (Dissaproving) Ah hah.
Padme: (Approaches quietly, startling Wufei) What do you mean by that?
Wufei: AAHHH!! Don't sneak up on me onna! You nearly scared the shit out of me!!
Padme: Well?
Wufei: Well what?
Padme: What did you do?
Wufei: What do you care? It got you the parts didn't it?
Padme: Hmmph.
Jinn: (concerned) I sense something in the force.
Wufei: What is it? Stupidity? (Sticks tongue out at Padme, who frowns)
Jinn: (Slightly Worried) ..No.
(Suddenly a dark figure appears out of nowhere and appears about to attack Jinn with its light saber, when a brown-haired boy comes hurtling out of the sky, hitting it. Two more people follow quickly after.)
Duo: WahaaaaaOomph!
Dark Figure: Wooomph!
Genner/Trowa: AaaaaahhhhhWoohoomph!
Dark Figure/Duo: (Pained) Ahaa!
Trowa: (on top)..I'm alive.
Genner: Get off me!
Trowa: Oops.
Jinn: (To Wufei) Friends of yours?
Wufei: I know two of them, but not the onna.
Genner: (Picks herself up) Don't call me onna! My name is Genner PIG!
Wufei: PIG!! INJUSTICE!!! I will call you what I want you ugly.
Duo: (springs off dark figure, causing it to yelp) Wufei! Heero told me to look for you! Where are we?
Wufei: Oh what joy. (mutters) Yuey I promise to kill you when I return.
Jinn: (Has been inspecting the now unconcious figure from a distance and muttering darkly to himself) Sith. Has to be.
Wufei: What's that?
Jinn: Nothing.
Obie:(runs out of ship) The Mechanical componants have been repaired and replaced! Are you in operational order master?
Jinn: (Looks confused, then grins slightly) I'm fine Obi Wan.
Obi: (Looks over Jinn's shoulder) And who might these additional entities be?
Jinn: Well, lets see. (Wheels to face the three new additions) Do you care to tell me your names?
Duo: I am Duo Maxwell! You can call me Duo, or Maxwell, but if you call me Barney or Tinky Winky I'll have to hurt ya!
Genner: (Proudly) My full name is Genner Grye Hunter.
Trowa: ...Trowa Barton.
Wufei: (Kicks dark figure) What's your name Baka?
Dark Figure (or Maul as we know him): (Hisses slightly and seems confused) I don't think I know.
Trowa: .Hey, cool. Someone else who's lost their memory.
Jinn/Wufei: (mutter) Oh great.
Back to Quatre.
Scene Seven: My Oh My
In the living room the furniture is all in disarray, and Quatre is still being chased relentlessly by Dorothy. She has managed to grab not only her faithful steak knife, but several handguns as well, making her a formidable foe for Quatre who at the moment posseses little else besides a pocket knife. Heero however, seems to have figured out how to contend with Relena.
Dorothy: (Evilly) Come here my pretty and we shall see if good always triumphs.
Quatre: HELP ME!!
Dorothy: Bwa Ha Ha Ha!
Heero: (Calmly) Relena, get off my leg or I will hit you with this crowbar.
Relena: Oh, don't be silly Heero, I know you wouldn't do that to me! You LOVE m (Heero hits her with crowbar) Oomph! (She becomes unconscious and releases his leg.)
Heero: Finally. (Notices Dorothy is still chasing Quatre) Need help?
Quatre: Yes!
Dorothy: No!
Heero: Hn. (Picks up Dorothy and throws her out the window)
Quatre: Thanks!
Heero: Hn. *Translation: No prob.*
Quatre: (Looks peeved) You're not going to become the silent wonder again are you?
Heero: Hn. *Probably*
Quatre: Oh, come on! Do you have any idea how hard it is to understand you when you do that?
Heero: Hn. *I think I have a pretty good idea.*
Quatre: (sighs) Hoo Boy. (Looks around room) Where is everybody?
Heero: Hn. *They went to look for Wufei.*
Quatre: (Thoughtfully) I wonder if we should look for them. They might need our help after all.
Heero: Hn. *Yah, that might be a good idea.*
Quatre: (Looks annoyed) You're not going to help at all are you?
Heero: Hn. *Probably not if you can't understand me.*
Quatre: This is going to be a long day.
Back To Wufei.
Chapter Four: Dishonor!!!
Wufei, Jinn, Duo, Obi, and Maul are sitting around a small table in the spaceship. Genner, Padme, and Anakin are in the back looking at the droids. The Queen and her guards are in the very far back. A flying cat with a wand hovers unseen behind a box, watching the proceedings.
Wufei: So you don't remember anything?
Maul: Na ah. Nope.
Wufei: Great.
Jinn: An interesting case to say the least.
Maul: I don't think it's interesting! I can't remember a single damned thing!
Obi: Tut tut, such language, and from such a youthful urchin.
Maul: (Quizzical) What's up with that fag?
Jinn: (Annoyed at the use of the word fag in respect to his Padawan) Keep a civil tongue in your head or you may lose it. To tell you the truth, we're not sure what's wrong with him.
Duo: (Looks up from jar of peanut butter he is devouring) He's probably just like Trowa. He'll get it back eventually. Say, where is Trowa?
Wufei: How the hell should I know? I don't keep tabs on that freak. TROWA!!
Trowa: (Appears from behind box)..Look what I found.
(A large furry bug-eyed Persian with wings and a wand comes fluttering from behind the box)
Wufei: (Eyes slightly bugged himself) What the Hell!?!?
Persian: Yo.
Trowa: ..Everyone, I'd like you to meet the fan-fic fairy General Jones.
Jones: (Takes seat on table) Like I said, Yo.
Jinn: (Weakly) Ahem. Hello, um. Mr...
Jones: Miss Jones. I prefers ta be called just Jones though.
Duo: (fascinated and in awe) Wow. Are you really the fan-fic fairy?
Jones: The one-and-only kid.
Duo: Cool! You're my role model!
Jones: (Grins) Thanks kid.
Wufei: Your role model is a flying cat?
Duo: Yah, isn't she cool? (gazes adoringly)
Wufei: Ookay.
Obi: Salutations oh feline one!
Jones: Oh jeese, I fergot ta fix him! Okey dokey, here we go!
(Jones hits Obi Wan on his head with her wand and he returns to normal)
Obi: Ouchees. My head hurts.
Jinn: Finally!
Maul: (Fake sorrow) I guess there isn't anything fer me in that big bag Mr. Wizard.
Jones: Don't get smart with me kid.
Wufei: Why exactly are you here?
Jones: Well, actually I came to get you home.
Wufei: YES!
Jones: But there's a catch.
Wufei: NO!
Jones: Some beings from the vortex, or box that sent you here have escaped and I had to catch them and seal them back in here. It was a pain in the, erm, neck. To prevent that sort of thing from happening again I'm gonna have ta confiscate the box.
Wufei: Holy Cheese, I thought you were going to ask for something serious! No, go ahead and take the damned thing!
Jones: Thanks!
Maul: Can I come too?
Wufei: Why in the name of the rocks that hit my head causing me great injury would you want to come?
Maul: (shrugs) Nothing else to do.
Jones: Well, I suppose that'd be alright as long as you promise not to kill anybody.
Maul: Cool.
Jones: Okay, is everybody ready?
Duo: Just a minute! (retrieves Genner) Okay, now we're ready!
Genner: (grins in recognition) Hey there General Jones, what's shakin?
Jones: Nothin much Genner. Nice ta see yah! Where's Thomas?
Genner: He's home writing a story.
Jones: Rightous. I'll have to drop him a line.
Wufei: You know that crazy cat?
Genner: Yah, My friend Thomas and I write fan fics!
Jones: Here we go, I hope yer ready!
(In a flash of light and a poof of fluffy rats they dissapear)
Obi: (Picks rat off of head) Darn, I was beginning to like having them around.
Jinn: Yah. (Tosses rat that was chewing on his copy of Rob Roy away) Oh well. Want some tea?
Obi: Sure.
Back To Quatre.
Scene Eight: Oh The Finality of it All!
Back in the living room, Quatre and Heero are sitting on the couch after an exhaustive search of the surrounding area. Heero has taken the time to clear out the debris, including Relena.
Quatre: Jeese, we've looked everywhere.
Heero: Hn *Yah*
Quatre: I'm kinda beginning to worry about them.
Heero: Hn.
(Suddenly there is a flash of light and Genner, Duo, Trowa, Wufei, Maul, and a kid that could pass off as one of the pilots if he stopped brushing his hair fell out of the ceiling)
Kid: Dammit, I was getting to the good part!
Genner: Hey cool! Thomas, I want you to meet the.uh.weirdos!
Thomas: Uh, hello there.
Trowa: ..Get off me.
Thomas: Oh jeese, sorry!
Trowa: .No prob.
Maul: Hey, you guys got a really nice pad.
Heero: (shocked out of silence) Who are you?
Thomas: Thomas.
Heero: No, not you, YOU.
Genner: Oh that's descriptive.
Maul: Well, I think I remember being called something-or-other Maul.
Heero: Ah.
Thomas: (Picks himself up) Well, I'd love to stay and chat but I really gotta finish my story. See ya later. You coming Genner?
Genner: Sure. See yah guys! I'll visit again!
Maul: Can I come?
Thomas: Yah, sure, why not. You can help me write.
Maul: Yess!
(All three leave)
Heero: Well, that was.
Wufei: Yah, I know.
Quatre: Well I don't know about you guys but I need some sleep. See yah round.
Trowa: ..Yah. (Wanders off)
Heero: Okay. You going to bed too Wufei?
Wufei: What do you think Yuey?
(They both head to bed. No one notices Duo is missing.)
Later that night..
In the bathroom, Duo is standing crouched over something he's munching on and giggling. OH CRAP! DUOS IN THE COFFEE GROUNDS AGAIN!
Dou: (totally spazzed, his hair on end) OKAY GUYS, YOU CAN COME OUT NOW!!!
(Thirteen hamsters form a dance line and the middle one screeches the macarana)
Duo: WE'RE ON A HIGHWAY TO HELL!!!
(Two cows fly by the window)
Cows: Moooooo!!!
Duo: HIGHWAY TO HELL!!!
(Random objects around the room begin to whirl and float as the hamsters hum an eerie dirge.)
Duo: HIGHWAY!!!HIGHWAY!!!
(More cows float by)
Cows: Mooooooooooooooooooo!!!
In Heero's room.
(Heero is typing on his computer, obviously ingrossed in whatever he's doing. He hears weird sounds and looks up)
Heero: Duo quiet down!
(The sounds stop and he goes back to typing. Suddenly, odd ballet music starts and Duo flies by with huge hair and an ear to ear psychotic grin. Heero looks up and around just as he disappears from view)
Heero: (Looks around and, noticing nothing strange goes back to typing) Hn.
(Duo flies by behind him in a ballet dress with several rats flying with him.)
Heero: (Looks up and around after Duo flies away, but sees nothing so he returns to typing.) Hn.
(Duo flies by with several cows and nothing on but a psychotic grin)
We switch to a shot of the house from far off.
Heero: (Surprised) Huh? (Now Shouting) WHAT THE HELL!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The end.
Thank you, thank you. I hoped you enjoyed. Send me some ideas!