"Something happened to me in Mexico, it was tough, it's taken time to get through, but it's really tough, in a different way, when it's happening to someone that you're close to" Nikki explained to Matt as she lay back on the couch in his sitting room. The words swirled around in her head, repeating themselves over and over again.
"When it's happening to someone you're close to...it's really tough...someone you're close to...Mexico"
That was it. Jack.
"I'm sorry" Nikki apologised as she jumped up and started gathering her things together "I have to go, there's someone I need to...something I have to do"
"Nikki?" Matt called after her.
"I'll call you" she shouted, running for the door. As she made her way out to her car she scrolled frantically through the contacts list in her phone until she reached Jack and pressed 'call'.
"Jack" she exclaimed as soon as he answered "I need to see you, now"
"Well hello to you too. I know I'm irresistible but aren't you meant to be playing nurse maid?" he joked, not realising the importance of her call.
"Please Jack, this is important, I need to see you, where are you?"
She had him worried. "Ok this sounds serious, I'm at the Lyell, I'll wait here for you"
"Great, I'm on my way" and then she ended the call so she could drive. Jack was left with a multitude of scenarios playing out in his head as he waited. Fifteen minutes seemed like five hours.
Nikki burst through the doors to the Lyell breathlessly, interrupting Jack's train of thought.
"I'm sorry I just needed to see you, I need to talk to you"
"You've got me really worried now, can you just tell me, please?" Jack imagined all sorts.
"I was talking to Matt" she began "I was trying to explain to him that something happened to me in Mexico"
"Did you tell him, what happened to you I mean?"
"No, I didn't want to talk about it and I don't want him thinking of me like that, trapped, helpless, terrified" Nikki shook her head to try to rid herself of the memories that she had been trying so hard to forget, whilst Jack drew in a breath, bowed his head and shut his eyes, memories resurfacing for him too.
"So did you want to talk to me about it?"
"No, the therapy is working, that's all the talking I need. It's just that, I was talking to Matt about life and what I want from it and I said something to him and I thought of you and I had to see you because I need to tell you I'm sorry" Nikki explained poorly, leaving Jack more confused.
"What have you got to be sorry for? We've been over all of this Nikki, everything is ok now, the past is the past and you're here, safe"
"I said to Matt that something happened to me in Mexico and it was tough and it's taken time to get through but it's really tough, in a different way when it's happening to someone that you're close to. I understand now Jack. I couldn't see why you couldn't look me in the eye, why you were ignoring my calls but I do now. I was terrified in that box, I thought I was going to die, I was prepared to but I never understood how terrified, frantic, you must have been when you were trying to find me. And that is how I felt today, terrified and frantic, looking for Matt, not knowing where he was, if he was dead or alive, if I was ever going to see him again. When they told me that they had found him and he was alive I felt so relieved and all the way to the hospital I just wanted to hold him and never let him go but when I got there, I got to the door, put my hand on it, but I froze. I blamed myself, why didn't I try harder to get the door open, why didn't I put all the pieces together sooner, if I had, he might not have taken him"
Jack interrupted her as she spoke faster and faster, emotions overwhelming her and tears beginning to well up in her eyes. "It's not your fault Nikki, none of it, you weren't to know Matt was going to be taken, you did everything you could to help find him"
"Ditto" she replied.
"Excuse me?"
"None of what happened to me in Mexico was your fault either Jack, you did everything you could to find me, and you did find all those other people, you found Luisa, and I got out, I survived too. I never understood until today and I'm sorry I didn't. I'm sorry that I was so determined to stay in Mexico and I wouldn't just listen to you and come home, I'm sorry I was so..."
"So Nikki?" Jack offered
Nikki laughed "What do you mean, 'so Nikki'?"
"You are stubborn, bossy, impulsive and very moody"
She gasped "I'm pouring my heart out and you're going to insult me?!"
"You are also the kindest, most caring, genuine, intelligent person I have ever worked with, actually, that I've ever met and because you are all of those things, because you care so much and because you're intuitive and you're brilliant at you're job, you wanted to stay in Mexico because you knew there was more to it than what we first thought. I wanted to walk away because it was easier than staying and if we had, Luisa and all those other people buried in that box would have died but because of you being so, you, they all survived and they are all back living their lives with their families"
Nikki couldn't speak, she nodded her head as tears rolled down her face. "I'm sorry too, I'm sorry you had to go through any of that, I can't imagine what it was like for you in there, and I don't want to imagine because I can't bare the thought of you..." Jack made a fist and hit the table, his anger still very real. "You're my friend Nikki and I hate the thought of you alone and frightened and dying and I just wanted to get to you, I wanted to hold you and keep you safe forever. But seeing you again bought it all back. You got yourself out and I am so proud of you, but I didn't, it was my job to go out there and bring you home, it was my job to protect you, to save you, but I failed"
"You didn't fail, I'm not a child Jack, I'm not a little woman that needs protecting, I'm an adult, I'm not your responsibility. It was my choice to stay there, my choice to chase cartels and question criminals. I bought it on myself"
"But if you had died, I couldn't have lived with myself" Jack cried. "You are my responsibility because you're my colleague and you're my friend and that makes it my job to look after you and keep you safe"
"Jack you don't understand do you?" Nikki smiled, confusing Jack and not for the first time today.
"Understand what?"
"You didn't fail, you did save me. For every time you called me, you gave me a glimmer of hope, something to hold onto, you made me laugh, you made me think, you distracted me from my darkest thoughts"
"What darkest thoughts?" Jack asked
"I knew I was running out of air, I didn't want to die like that. There was a nail sticking out of the top of the box, I broke it off and pushed it into my wrist as hard as I could. I dragged it down the vein in my arm. I wanted to take control. Eva put me in that box and left me to die, there was nothing I could do and it was the one thing left hat I could control, how and when I died"
"What happened?"
"It wasn't sharp enough, didn't even scratch my skin" Nikki remembered as she stroked her wrist.
Jack took a moment to process what he had just heard before he let out a scream and slid his back against the desk as he sank to the floor. He cradled his head in his hands, his sobs audible and tears streaming down his face. Nikki ran to his side and pulled him into her chest, cradling him and rocking him gently. "I'm sorry Jack, I didn't want you to know. I'm so sorry" Jack clung to Nikki, not wanting to let her go ever again.
After a few moments Jack's tears ceased and Nikki let go of him to sit by his side. "Jack" Nikki broke the silence first. He looked up at her and for the first time since Mexico, their eyes met and Jack didn't look away. "I'm so glad you were there with me, I know you weren't in the box with me and you didn't find me but you were there with me, you were on the other end of the phone and doing everything you could to find me and that means more to me than you will ever know. Knowing that you were so scared for me, for my life and so desperate to find me means everything to me. There is no one that I would have rather had there with me than you" Nikki's smile triggered Jack's smile. "You could never let me down Jack, not even if you tried" Jack kissed Nikki's cheek to thank her.
"Do you really think I'm stubborn and moody?!" Nikki asked
"Oh yeah"
"I'm not stubborn and I am not moody, when am I ever moody?"
"And I suppose you don't think you're bossy either?" Jack replied.
"When am I bossy? Tell me when I'm bossy!" Nikki ordered.
"How about right now? And you don't like it so you're getting moody"
"I'm not getting moody, I just don't understand what you mean"
"Poor Matt" Jack spoke sympathetically.
"Oh God, I just left him, I ran out of the house and he's been through so much" Nikki began to feel guilty. "Do you think he's ok?"
"I feel for the guy I really do"
"Why, because he was abducted?" Nikki asked.
"No, I mean because he has to put up with you being moody and bossy and stubborn. It was pretty impulsive you running out on him"
Nikki didn't reply. She knew Jack was right.
"You haven't even been going out for 24 hours and you've told him what to do at least twice already today, haven't you?" Jack said knowingly. Nikki laughed, Jack was right. "Go back to Matt Nikki, enjoy your night, you deserve to" Jack kissed her cheek before standing up and helping Nikki to her feet.
"Good night Jack"
"See you tomorrow Nikki"
"Jack?" Nikki turned back "Thank you, for everything, I mean it"
"I've always got your back"