A Meeting of the Marauders: As Recorded By The Great Men Themselves
Author's Note: I admit it frankly. I was inspired by DevilishGirlz's excellent one-shot, "The Marauders' Notebook", and so decided to use the same format, though hopefully not the same story. I do not mean to be a copycat—and if I am, I heartily apologize to DevilishGirlz—; I simply wanted a chance to explore the format. It is such tremendous fun.
Disclaimer: I own none of this, of course. Who the hell writes fanfiction for their own books?
Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs would like to greet the reader in warmest terms, provided the reader is not Severus Snape—in which case, Mr. Padfoot would like to firmly state that this is a "Git-Free Zone", and that if Snape objects, he may stick a white-hot poker up his ass.
Mr. Prongs would like to add that this can be done at his earliest convenience.
Mr. Moony would like to point out that, while he deplores the coarse language of his colleagues, he must admit that there is a grain of truth in their words.
Mr. Wormtail chooses this moment to edit his colleague's statement and must say that there is not one grain of truth, but several million grains.
Mr. Padfoot would like to drop the slippery subject of Snape and move on to more pleasant matters.
Mr. Prongs would like to inquire if his dear Mr. Padfoot's choice of adjectives is an allusion to the aforementioned Snape's general greasiness.
Mr. Padfoot,, with a deferential bow, admits that it is.
Both Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs laugh heartily.
Mr. Wormtail would like to inquire what is so very funny.
Mr. Moony, Mr. Padfoot, and Mr. Prongs all decline to comment.
Mr. Moony, in hopes of getting to more important affairs, would like to remind his colleagues that they have only an hour of lunch period and that, if they wish to accomplish anything, they should eschew any meaningless chatter.
Mr. Prongs chooses this moment to ask what the devil the word "eschew" means.
Mr. Padfoot agrees that it is a most ridiculous word.
Mr. Moony only deigns to reply with a sigh.
Mr. Wormtail cordially offers to go and fetch a dictionary, or perhaps ask the aid of Professor McGonagall.
Mr. Padfoot helpfully interjects that his good friend Mr. Wormtail can rarely manage to speak to the aforesaid Professor without wetting himself, so thus the offer is of little value.
Mr. Moony would like to remind the assorted gentleman that time is of the essence.
Mr. Prongs respects the wishes of Mr. Moony, but would like to briefly add that Miss Evans, seated nearby, is distractingly attractive.
Mr. Padfoot sighs impatiently and advises Mr. Prongs to stop this stupidity, lest he look as pathetic as Mr. Wormtail.
Mr. Wormtail resents that statement.
Mr. Moony begs his respected colleagues to return to the main focus of the meeting.
Mr. Prongs wishes to inquire exactly what this main focus is.
Mr. Moony must reluctantly admit he has forgotten in all the gabbling.
Mr. Padfoot tells the company he does remember why this meeting was called, and offers to divulge this information as soon as his colleagues are ready to hear it.
Messrs. Moony, Prongs, and Wormtail all become silent.
Mr. Padfoot thanks his colleagues for their attention, and reminds them that they are there to discuss a fast-approaching dance which will take place near Christmas. He also wishes to remind these gentlemen that none of them have dates.
Mr. Prongs objects to this statement; he plans to take the lovely Miss Evans as his escort.
Mr. Moony delicately expresses his doubts as to that point.
Mr. Prongs begs Mr. Moony to shut up.
Mr. Padfoot asks that Messrs. Moony and Prongs defer their disagreement until the matter at hand is settled.
Mr. Wormtail would like to add that while he does not have a date, that Hufflepuff girl near the window is exceedingly pretty.
Mr. Padfoot points out that said Hufflepuff girl is currently dating the Hufflepuff Quidditch captain.
Mr. Moony would like to know why one cannot go to a dance without an escort and simply enjoy oneself.
Mr. Prongs would like to politely inquire if Mr. Moony is utterly mad.
Mr. Padfoot, agreeing with the observation of Mr. Prongs, says that he has his eye on a friend of the bewitching Miss Evans, and plans to ask her to accompany him during his next Astronomy class.
Mr. Moony frowns mildly at Mr. Padfoot and asks whther or not he should be paying so little attention in such an important class.
Mr. Padfoot wishes to protest that it is impossible for him to pay very much attention in said class, because the teacher is fat.
Mr. Wormtail would like to add to the statement of his illustrious friend, and say that she is also much afflicted with warts.
Mr. Prongs agrees with the remarks of his colleagues, and expands on the theme with the observation that the teacher has very greasy hair.
Mr. Padfoot would like, upon contemplation of this teacher's description, to suggest her as a date for a certain Severus Snape.
Mr. Prongs consents that they would be an excellent match.
Mr. Wormtail guffaws loudly.
Mr. Moony, sensing that this discussion is getting them nowhere, moves to adjourn the meeting, and hopes his colleagues may be successful in their amorous endeavors.
Mr. Wormtail would like to object to Mr. Moony's use of his expansive vocabulary, and protests that his head is already sore from his Charms essay.
Mr. Padfoot begs Mr. Wormtail to save his snivels for later, as time is passing quickly and he would like to get a bit of lunch.
Mr. Prongs hopes aloud that Miss Evans will not continue to be so adamant in her refusal of his undying love, and will perhaps take to wearing shirts of a slightly lower cut.
Miss Evans, previously silent, whacks Mr. Prongs soundly on the back of the head.
Mr. Prongs indulges in a few choice expletives.
Mr. Moony would like to point out that Mr. Prongs quite deserved what he got; his remark was far outside the bounds of politeness.
Mr. Prongs, with all due respect to Mr. Moony, says bugger to politeness.
Mr. Padfoot tells Messrs. Moony and Prongs to shut it, and suggests they all partake of Hogwarts' excellent fare.
Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, and Prongs all agree with this excellent suggestion of their comrade, and agree that it is the brightest thing he has said all day.
Mr. Padfoot chooses not to acknowledge their petty remark.
-End of the Meeting of the Marauders-
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