Chapter 1: The Hell I Call My Very Own
Story Title: Fragile (re-write of Dark and Lovely)
Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me
And the lonely…
The Lonely- by Christina Perri
I sit on top of the hill overlooking the staggering view of the infamous Hollywood. The sun dipped into the depths of the evergreen trees igniting them with a radiant shine. The calm ocean blue sky blended brilliantly with the sun's peachy waves of shine. I could see people having a casual conversation down the rocky paths; they were smiling, laughing, and having fun which I was envious of. I'm stuck up here drowning in my sorrows wanting to awaken from this nightmare. There's no path leading me to where I want to be. What's meant to be is simply not there. Today marks the 10th anniversary of my father's death. A man's life was taken away all because of my idiotic ways. Guilt, sorrow, and anger invades my emotions. I let tears whisk away from my eyes and fall onto the surface of my jeans. It's my entire fault. I let the pain eat away at my heart, chewing bits and pieces of it away. An astounding heaviness hits my chest and my heart solemnly drops to the floor. The memories prevail once again, as they seem to leave a lasting mark in the depths of my thoughts. I try hard to erase all the pain, all the dark thoughts, but to no avail they never fade. 10 years since I lost my father. 10 years since he died due to my careless acts. This was the one place him and I shared with each other. We always used to watch the stars embellish the night sky up here, and basically he and I always had a good time up here in this very spot. It's better taking a visit up here than the cemetery where grief lives on. All those people there mourning, crying hysterically, and longing for his presence again. My heart could only take so much. My Mom down there with her new boyfriend did I mention I despise him. He's not necessarily my favorite person in the world. I was supposed to at least make an appearance down there, but I protested and ended up here.
I continue to let my gaze fall upon the baby blue coated sky. The sun kept on shining, but my eyes only know the color of darkness. I can't seem to find the silver lining. Nothing in my life is the same anymore. The bright yellow hues of the sun found my eyes and delivered a striking brightness, which made me squint at the sudden sight. I moved to the left slightly having the trees block the projection of the sun. I moved my blanket along with me that I always brought when I came up here. I had it placed underneath me wanting to not get my clothes filthy with muck from the ground. The blanket had a simple blood red and black checkered pattern plastered on the back and front. My Dad and I always sat up on this very quilt like blanket whenever we visited here. 18 years old. I was 8 when I saw it all happen to me. Still can't believe it was a decade ago since it all happened. The flashback replays in my mind as the memories killing my being still saunter.
Flashback
My Dad and I sat upon the dirt covered ground as we watched the meteor shower at our spot. He held me closely in his tight embrace as we sat on our beloved blanket. I let my head rest on the surface of his chest, as I felt and heard his heartbeat. I was 6 years old at the time. His hold on me never ceased to loosen as we sat up here enjoying the night. I could see bright orange flames fall from the sky at an unbelievable pace. My heart jumped in joy at the astonishing sight. One by the one they fell into unknown vicinities. The night sky illuminated with the bright infusion of orange and yellow. The stars held their place up in the sky elucidating it. I looked over to my right avoiding the sight of the meteor shower averting my gaze elsewhere. There stood the moon with its luminescent glow. I smiled at the sight and loved the amazing view that lay before me. Today was surely a fairytale. I returned my gaze to the reason why I came up here, and was disappointed to see nothing but the stars now. I looked up at my Dad and shot him a smug frown.
"What's wrong sweetie? I thought you were having fun." I shrugged my shoulders, and down casted my eyes having sadness painted all over my face.
"It's just that I wish it would've lasted forever. One second I look over at the moon, and then suddenly those bright orange flame stop dropping from the sky."
"I'm sorry honey." He kissed the top of my forehead delicately, and shot me a warm smile. I averted my gaze back to meet his eyes, and I wondered why he was so happy.
"Sweetie. Loren listen to me when I tell you this. Some things are not going to last forever. In the blink of an eye things could disappear quickly. Just appreciate all the small things life brings you. Don't take it all for granted. Honey there will be plenty more meteor showers were that came from, and we will see every one of them. Promise me you'll appreciate what you have. If you don't take advantage of all of it now it will be wiped away in a matter of seconds. Even when you're feeling down honey be strong and keep faith in things getting better. Like your mother always say "in order for the sun to shine there has to be some darkness."
"I promise Daddy I'll always keep faith in hope, and I'll appreciate what I have." I said assuring him I'd keep my promise.
"Good job sweetie. Make sure you keep to your promise." He said pointing a finger at me.
"I will Dad. I'll keep that promise no matter what."
The flashback ended and I nimbly found my way back to reality. I brought my knees underneath my chin, and began to cry hysterically. Water continuously fell from my eye-sockets as I let my emotions lay on my sleeve. Depression seems to love following my every movement. Insecure in the skin. I'm trying my best to keep faith in hope, but it seems like an impossible challenged now. A weak mind, hardly any moral support, taunted by the revolting memories every day I live. I can't take it. I am almost at the point of breaking, as I crack slowly. All those promises forgotten and wasted. I began to whimper violently as I screamed internally, wishing it would all end. Teased every day at school for being myself and nothing but myself. I'm broken. She and her little posy knock me down. Adrianna Masters. One of the worst parts of my nightmare of a life. My best friend Melissa there is always there to hold me sturdy though, and I appreciate her presence and existence in my life. If it's even possible I could hear my heart motionlessly fragment into miniscule pieces. The ripples placed there were once again tearing me apart. I can't find the will to smile anymore seeing there is no point too. My being is deteriorating as the seconds pass. I lifted my head up from the support of my now damp kneecaps, and scrutinized the sky with my gaze. Where's my path. The path leading me to where I'm meant to be. Where's the happiness I was promised. Growing up was supposed to be beneficial not like this. This thing I call my life is my own personal hell. Fairytale endings are myths, they don't exist. Faith is inanimate. Hope is also nonexistent in my world.
I'm helpless.
It would be inept for me to feel anything but numbness. Is that it? Is happiness something I'm never going to able to fully experience for myself? I guess feeling anything but depression would be an abnormality. I'm worthless. I have no purpose being here.
"I'm a waste in this world. I don't understand why I'm still here. I'm worthless, unessential, and plainly meaningless." I said in between sobs. I resumed weeping in distress once again, when I heard a twig snap behind me. I automatically turned around only to face a seemingly familiar man. I quickly wiped away any tears covering my face, and studied the man before me. His brown chocolate coated eyes glowed beautifully in the dim sunshine. His brown dismantled hair added more astounding features to his looks. His tall structure was covered with a grey t-shirt with a leather jacket planted on top. The shirt admired his muscular structure. And as soon as I looked back up to meet his iridescent eyes I see he had a warm smile plastered on his face. I quickly turned around avoiding his gaze, and sprung up from my spot and hurriedly attempted to walk away from this situation. I didn't want to impose. I tried to walk past him, but he stopped me with his words.
"I heard what you said. I heard every word. I take one good look at you and I could see you're not worthless, you're not meaningless; you're anything but what you may think of yourself. You're beautiful. I'm just saying the truth, and I could clearly see you breaking in front of me I want to help you." I stood there for a moment and analyzed his words. I'm used to lies and disappointment. Something in his words showed he wasn't lying, but my heart told me otherwise.
"You don't know anything about me. You surely don't know what I've been through. So don't pamper me with kind words if you don't know a single detail about me." I said snappily trying to prove a point.
"You're right I don't know anything about you, but I'm someone who reads people very easily. Your eyes tell your story, and I could certainly read body language. You've been through a lot I could tell. I see you're broken. What I see the most though is a girl afraid to have hope. A girl that doesn't believe in much. I see you're fragile. I want to help." I gave him a perplexed look wondering if I should buy into his words. My eyebrows pressed together as the tears flashed away. By instinct I went what my heart always believes.
"Thanks for the concern but don't waste your time helping someone who is helpless. I'm meaningless it's not a matter of opinion it's a fact. I see you want to help, but I'm sorry no one can change what I am."
"You're a human being, just like the rest of us. I could fix you. I want to help you. I know it's not impossible." I stared at him intently and questioned his persistence. I decided it was enough and I was done dealing with it. I appreciate the concern, but it's pointless for him to even attempt to fix somebody as broken as me.
"That's where you're wrong, it is impossible. I'm beyond broken, and I'll never be "fixed." Just save yourself wasted time. I'm someone who can't be saved from all of this. I've spent ten years feeling this way, and it's never going to differ. Go ahead and enjoy the rest of your day. Here's a note for future references though don't help somebody when you don't even really care." I began to let my feel tremble upon the dirt path, while walking away from him.
"I do care actually." He yelled from across the way. I laughed bitterly and ignored his last remark. Nobody cares. No one is ever going to care. I'm used to this already. I guess he doesn't know that. Then again he doesn't know anything about me. Hardly anybody does.
I'm the ghost of a girl I once knew.
Did you like it? I hope you did because honestly I think this version was better than the first, and the story plotline will only being to grow while new characters come in. Review, fave, and follow if you'd like. Want to hear those opinions of yours they help a ton. The story will switch between Loren and Eddie's P.O.V throughout chapters. And leddie don't worry about them they're going to have their ups and downs. Thanks for reading, and again grammatical errors I tried to fix as much as I can got to go to sleep because going to Disneyland tomorrow. I'd rather stay home writing though. I know right I'm crazy for even saying that. Well adios peoples.
Until Next Time,
hhlover101