Now listen to me baby
Before I love and leave you
They call me heart breaker
I don't wanna deceive you
It wasn't just that Nihlus was his apprentice. He'd been tempted, before- he couldn't help but admire the young turian's physique, and Nihlus was so insistent in his come-ons that Saren had almost caved more than once. But he wasn't anything if not stoic and strict- Nihlus would say he had a "stick up his ass"- in his self discipline. He couldn't afford attachments, not in this line of work. Couldn't afford to get bogged down. If he would do anything, it would be a one time only, no strings attached affair, preferably a rough, detached coupling. No mating subharmonics, no eye contact, no post-coital grooming. Nibbling. None of the bonding behaviors so precious to turians in love. Nothing there but raw stress and an insistent urge to get off and relieve some of that pressure.
Nihlus wouldn't want that, though. Saren knew better from Nihlus' behavior. He'd want it all. He'd never seen Nihlus act like he did around him. Casual fucks, sure, but those had stopped not too long after Saren had accepted the younger male has his protege. Not too long after Saren started noticing the subtle cues in his behavior.
Nihlus wanted him- all of him.
Saren couldn't give him that.
If you fall for me
I'm not easy to please
I might tear you apart
Told you from the start, baby from the start,
I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart.
Saren looked at himself in the mirror on the wall next to his bed. He was at his rarely-used apartment on the Citadel, an upscale little loft on the Presidium. Small, but with the amenities someone of his status could afford.
He had no idea what Nihlus saw in him. His waist was too thick; his fringe and spurs too long; minor cybernetic implants too obvious. He was a biotic freak, barefaced, with a severe temperment. Nihlus...He almost everything that Saren was not- and was especially beautiful to look at. Every once in a while- about as often as he'd be in this cushy little nest, which wasn't often at all- he would allow himself to look. Allow himself to imagine what it would be like if he could allow Nihlus in, and give him just a taste of what he wanted.
"Old man," Nihlus called him. He was always rebuked for it, in spite of or possibly because of the sexual undertones of his voice when he said it. "Old man." There was no scorn there, just lust and honest to spirits affection. Saren almost purred before he sat down on the bed and held his head in his hands.
All of this was just fantasy. Fantasy just caused trouble for everyone who allowed themselves to be swept up in it. That was a lesson he had learned at a young age. Desolas and his "Valluvian Priests" had taught him well: Stay grounded in the present. Don't allow any delusion. If someone you care about falls into a fantasy, destroy it and bring them back to the real world. That is the kindest thing you can do.
That was the only way.
There's no point trying to hide it
No point trying to evade it
I know I got a problem
Problem with misbehavior
Nihlus had been upset earlier that night, when Saren had done him the favor of popping that little bubble of delusion he had slipped into.
Earlier that day, Nihlus had been made a Spectre. In a show of idiocy, after the ceremony, he'd come knocking on Saren's door with some liquor and that stupidly jovial mood that Saren found so bizarrely irritating and cute at the same time.
Nihlus'd come onto him again. They had fought. Saren had berated him loudly, made sure to liberate him of those delusions of a "them." Called him an idiot. The younger turian had smashed the bottle of liquor on the kitchen floor and almost stormed out the door before Saren grabbed his arm and dragged him back inside.
Saren looked over beside him at the sleeping turian in his bed. How had they gotten from that to this?
Once inside, they had fumbled with each other's clothing between curses and occasional growls and ended up like this. Somehow.
Fuck, Saren thought. He didn't lose control. Things didn't just "happen" to him. He didn't allow it. But here he was, and here was Nihlus along with him.
If you fall for me
I'm not easy to please
I might tear you apart
Told you from the start, baby from the start,
I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart.
Maybe things weren't going to end disastrously for them. Maybe he wouldn't tear Nihlus to pieces as he had once feared. Perhaps there was a way for them to live this out.
At least for now, it worked- with the both of them being Spectres, they had assignments apart but there were those stretches when they were both free. When those precious moments of calm in the midst of the chaos came along, the two of them made up for lost time. They were essentially a mated pair now. Each only wanted the other. Things were now gentler than they had been at the beginning, when coupling had been fast and frenzied...Now they allowed themselves time to really experience the other.
For the first time in ages, Saren was actually happy. Content, even. What was it he had even been afraid of? He couldn't remember. All that mattered was being a Spectre, and Nihlus.
And I know karma's gonna get me back for being so cold
Like a big bad wolf I'm born to be bad, and bad to the bone
If you fall for me I'm only gonna tear you apart
Told ya from the start...
Saren levelled the gun at his once-protege, once lover's head. He had to do this...Had to keep him safe from this madness. Wouldn't want him going up against Sovereign...against him. Nihlus would not be spared.
Saren had to spare him the delusion. That's all "they" had ever been: delusions. Delusions of peace, delusions of love.
He inhaled deeply, steeled his nerves, and looked away as he squeezed the trigger.
...I'm only gonna break break your break break your heart...