****Presents For the Old Folks: An AOT Parody****
Every year, Levi, Hanji and their brood went Christmas shopping together. On the last Saturday in November, the group drove into town and split up into two teams. Armin, Mikasa and Eren went in search of presents while Hanji and Levi shopped for the teenagers.
The three made a beeline for Trost Department Store and elbowed their way through the jostling crowds until they found an empty space in the Fabrics Department. The lengths of glittery brightly-colored cloth surrounding them made it like being in an exotic jungle clearing. Armin and Mikasa dutifully looked through their list while Eren hopped and jerked to the music from his iPod.
"Alright, what've we got? Perfume, Windex, black tea…" Armin read aloud, "Soap, deodorant, uh… Febreze - "
"Febreze?" Mikasa interrupted in astonishment, jerking her head up from where she was nearly engulfed in rolls of plush dark red material.
"So it says here," shrugged Armin.
"But Levi's already got at least ten bottles!" the girl frowned.
"It must be awful, being old! Imagine having to use all that stuff to keep from smelling bad!"
Eren waved his hands above his head, chanting, "Hey, bob-a-roonie! Chick, chick-a-boonie!"
Passing shoppers turned to stare and Mikasa shot her brother a death glare. "He'll get us thrown out of here, I know he will!" she hissed. "Can't we sneak off and pretend he's not with us?"
"Are you kidding?" Armin shot back. "Levi will have our head!" But he quickly reached out and yanked off Eren's earplugs.
"Oh, rat poo-plops!" he complained loudly. "It was coming to the best bit!"
"You can hear the rest when we get home," said Armin. "Right now we've got to concentrate on presents for Hanji and Levi. What the heck are you listening to, anyway?"
"Christmas carols!" Eren announced enthusiastically. "Mega-wick! So what do the old folks want this year?"
"The usual," sighed Armin, passing Eren the list so that he could see for himself.
"Sasha Braus and her dad are heading to the OCEAN this Christmas!" Mikasa said enviously as she checked a text she just received. "They're going to eat their turkey on a sun-kissed beach! We're going to be stuck at home with Uncle Erwin and Uncle Moblit!"
"Too right!" The blond groaned. "Uncle Erwin will go on at Levi about not standing up for Queen Historia's speech…"
"And Uncle Moblit will drink too much booze and sing rude songs again!" moaned Mikasa.
"Ye-ukk!" yelled the youngest boy. He was staring at the list, his face as wrinkled as a big toe that's been in the bath for too long. "These presents are crucially boring! Socks? Tights? Cravats? Gross!"
"It's not their fault," The girl hastened to explain. "They're old and set in their ways, that's all. If we gave them interesting presents, they'd be over-excited and get indigestion."
"And it's cruel to let Levi go on wearing those slippers he's got now," Armin pointed out. "They should have been put out of their misery years ago!"
Eren curled his top lip and stuck out his tongue. "Change-a-roo time!" he growled. "I'm not spending good money on this gank! I vote we get the old folks something super-maxi-surprising!"
"Such as?" enquired the blond.
A wicked smile spread itself across Eren's face like a hungry Titan. "Fee, fi, follow me!" he exclaimed.
Hanji and Levi, meanwhile, were upstairs in Trost Toy Department. Hanji was consulting their list while Levi rummaged through a shelf of soft toys for want of anything better to do. He picked up a cuddly, black horse with a bow of red ribbon around its neck and smiled.
"Isn't this cute?" he asked. "Do you think Mikasa would like this?"
The brunette looked surprised at the question, since normally Levi always got bored on these trips. "No," she finally replied. "Mikasa wants a new scarf and an Ackerman Action Annual."
"Oh!" said Levi. "How about Eren, then? He'd love a cuddly horse!"
"I doubt," Hanji said. "He wants a Titan-killing set, a Titan punching bag and Titan blood bath bubbles."
Levi looked crestfallen. He pressed the cuddly horse under the chin and made its head twitch. "We could get it as a dumb present for Armin," he suggested.
"Armin wants a book on ocean life and a pedal for his electric guitar," she replied, reading from her own list.
"A pedal?" yelped Levi, startled. "What's he going to do with his guitar, ride it?"
"A pedal is a little box," Hanji explained. "When Armin plugs his guitar into it, it changes the sound it makes. He says he's tired of it going jingle-jangle and wants something to make it go krank-kerbang."
"Krank-kerbang?" The captain gulped. "You mean we've got to go into the Music Department and ask for a pedal to make a guitar go krank-kerbang?"
"Armin's written the name of the pedal down," said Hanji. "We ask for a Gritty Titan Gear. They'll know what we mean."
Levi shook his head sadly and scratched the cuddly horse behind the left ear. "Doesn't it seem five minutes ago that we bought Armin his first encyclopedia set, does it?" he murmured. "Remember the year we got Mikasa those knives? And last Christmas, Eren wanted a – what was it again?"
"A Titans v.s. Survey Corps game," replied Hanji. "And he sulked because we forgot to buy batteries for it."
"So," said Levi glumly. "No cuddly horse?"
"No cuddly horse."
Levi put the horse back on the shelf with the other soft toys. "Shame, really," he whispered to himself.
On Christmas morning, the group gathered around the tree in their front room. It was Eren's turn to hand out the presents.
"I want to open this one now!" he cried, clutching a large parcel covered with silver paper.
"You know the rules!" Levi snapped sternly. "All the presents have to be given out before anybody opens any of them."
"Oh, Titan's knickers!" grumbled Eren. He passed the presents out at high speed, reading the labels and calling out, "Armin-Legout! Mikasa-Su-Casa! Hanji-Four-Eyes! Levi-rella! Superlush me-me!"
"Suppose it isn't just a phase he's going through," Levi muttered to Hanji. "Suppose he stays like this for the rest of his life!"
"Don't say that!" whispered the scientist. "You'll spoil Christmas for everybody!"
The next five minutes were chaos. Eren sprang on his presents like a caffeinated Titan and disappeared behind a small blizzard of wrapping paper from which emerged shouts of, "Crucial! Maxi-brill! Mega-ding-dong!"
Armin ripped open the tops of his presents, extracted the contents and said, "Oh wow! That's really cool!"
Mikasa teased the duct tape off her packages and folded the wrapping paper into neat squares before examining her gifts. She kept on saying, "Oh, how super!" as she always did when she was pleased.
"I suppose we'd better open ours as well," Levi sighed wearily. "Hardly seems worth it really – when you've seen one pair of brown slippers you've seen them all."
"Don't be such a misery!" Hanji scolded. "Open your biggest one and I'll open mine."
Levi picked up a big red parcel and squeezed it gently. "Slippers!" he grunted. "Oh well. I suppose I do need new ones."
"Mine feels like a thermal vest!" said Hanji unenthusiastically.
But it wasn't a thermal vest. It was a bright yellow jumper covered with purple Titans. Hanji squealed with delight and pulled it on over her pajamas.
"You look ace!" yelled Eren.
"Wow!" exclaimed Armin. "That's really cool!"
"Oh, how super!" breathed Mikasa, beaming at the scientist.
Levi smiled to himself and tore open the wrapping on his present. It was a black, cuddly horse with a bow of red ribbon around its neck. Levi's eyes bulged and his mouth fell open.
"Well?" demanded Eren.
"Do you like it?" Mikasa asked.
"What do you reckon, Levi?" Armin said anxiously.
Levi held the horse close to his face and pressed the tip of his nose against its snout. "I reckon it's super-mega-brill!" he exclaimed.
The End.