Not to sure why i wrote this tbh. It's thoughts of them both after the last scene we see them each in. I just had all these feels bottled up that i needed to get out really. I don't think it'll make you cry as such, just, it's depressing. Although if you have last night fresh in your mind... well be warned. Actually edited this one you'll be pleased to know. I feel i might have gone a little over board but it's my therapy for the night.
Let me know what yous think anyway.
I guess i could say enjoy...
I looked around me. I saw everything we had created together be torn from me. Everything in this flat had been part of a family, and then the kids had been taken away from me and that family had been destroyed. But Brendan, being who he is, he managed to fix that. We created something new and incredible together, always leaving room for the kids to come back, but we had created something that was ours. It was for two people. Brendan had starting calling this, me, his home. That means more to me than anything.
And now it's being destroyed by these men. Men who think they know what is going here, men who think that they've captured another dangerous heartless criminal. Taken him off the streets and saved some more lives. They don't know the fucking half of it.
Their taking everything from me. I have nothing to remember him by.
I reach in to my pocket. One thing, I have his cross. If they take all this then I am glad I have his cross. I know how much it meant to Bren, how much he treasured it and if I have nothing else except memories and images, I'm glad I have this. But it doesn't take away these feelings. These thoughts that I haven. I just want to pull on one of his jumpers, feel the snug material of it. His scent still lingering. Put his cross around my neck and hold onto it with all my life and crawl into bed. Just lay there remembering everything, his smell stronger now with the amount of time we spent in that damn bed. Just one night to be with him, even though he's in jail now. Lay a hand on my waist, warm and strong. Just like when he held me. Just to feel him holding me one more time. And to fall asleep like that. Fall asleep like that every night.
I just want to feel him once more.
If I had known the night Walker had died would be our last night together, I would've savoured it a whole lot more. Granted, it was the most passionate night of sex we had ever had. It wasn't even sex, that had been love. Brendan had been so worked up over what had happened, he needed to know the love was still there more than anything.
Of course it was. It's never ever going to be gone. Ever.
I had fallen asleep in his arms, he was holding me so tight. As if he never wanted to let me go. Come to think of it, I can't think of a more perfect night.
I can feel a tear run down my face at the memories. That's all they are now. It's all being taken away from me now and there's nothing I can do about it. I can feel something being shoved in my hand, but I am numb. I don't want to look down. But I do.
It's a picture. It's a picture of my family. Brendan, Leah, Lucas and me. Two tears this time. Both simultaneously fall on to the page. I can't look at this, this is some kind of sick fucking joke right? I don't have a family any more. Bren's gone, me kids are gone...
That's when I look to my side to see Leah smiling up at me. I fall to the floor.
One part of me leaves, the other returns. This isn't fair. And yet, this picture has taken a whole different light. To me it is beautiful. This is still my family, no matter where any of us are.
I feel Leah's arms arms around my neck. I put my arm around her, picture still in my now tightened grip. Lucas walks forward then, he wraps his little arm around me and I put my free arm around him. I hold them both to me so tightly.
This is okay. Everything is going to be okay.
Even as I say it I know it's not true, I can feel Leah's hair dampening and realise I'm crying. Not crying, I am breaking. Inside and out, I pull them closer to me and Amy crouches down and gives me a look. A look that says sorry.
I don't need her to be sorry. I need her to stop the hurting, I need her to stop it hurting so damn much. I need to her to bring my Brendan back.
I let go then. This is the reality. Brendan is gone, and he's never coming back. I am choking, I have never felt so much pain in my life. I wish he was dead. I wish he was dead because then I wouldn't have to deal with this pain, the pain of knowing I can still see him, still touch him, still kiss him...
But I can't. He will make sure of it. It won't stop me trying. He is out of his fucking mind if he thinks I won't try and visit him every fucking day for the rest of my life.
I let go of them then. Fall back against the wall. I let go of my kids and feel the coldness inside of me. Or was it already there?
The rest of my life... I won't even get a chance to say bye to him. He's going to die in there, he will die by himself. Without letting me say goodbye. I might not even know if he dies. I could continue trying to get him to let me visit him, not even knowing he was dead.
I can't do this. I cannot do this, any of this... life. I can't do it without him. I just want to, need to see him one last time.
Leah's looking up at her mum now, tears in her eyes because she doesn't understand why I am so upset. Lucas is sat resting his head on my shoulder crying. He's not crying for Brendan. He's crying for me.
I just need to see him. I need to see him one last time, I just need to see the selfish bastard one last fucking time.
Why does everyone else get their happily ever after. Everyone but us.
XOXO
You changed everything Steven, everything.
There's so much more I needed to say. But I couldn't, I couldn't do that to him, and as selfish as it may be: I couldn't do it to myself.
Those words had been rolling around in my head. Ever since I had said them. Ever since they cuffed me, not bothering to be gentle despite my arm. They think I'm a heartless murderer. Truth is their probably right. When they carried me out, I could see Steven just sat on the ground, head in his hands. He was making uncontrollable howling noises and he didn't seem to care who heard. The hands gripping my arms tighten as my legs slipped under me. It broke my fucking heart, tore at it, to see him like this. I was doing this for him. So he could move on with his life and be happy. I hadn't meant to cause him any more grief. I had already broke that promise with myself.
Didn't take long did it. But that's just who I am. A screw up.
I'm fighting as best I can with these arms to reach him and hold him in my arms while he cried. Just to hold him one last time and make him forget the pain I have caused him. But I can't. They're to strong and I'm weak.
That I can't touch him right now, it's almost enough to make me shout out. To force him to look up from the sound of my voice and for him to run to me. I know he would do it. Just to see the love in my face and understand how sorry I am.
But I made my choice. To turn my head away and carry on out of the hospital. Never once looking back. The emotions were fading now and I started to feel numb. That wasn't how I wanted to remember Steven. Not at all.
So kneeling here, on the cold floor of my cell. I wandered whether they were the right words. They were weren't they?
He did change everything.
As they locked me in, I tried to be Brendan Brady. Tried to be strong and tried to show that I didn't give two flying fucks I was in here. But as the door was slammed shut, I fell to my knees along with the bang of the door.
I look up and took in the reality of what is, now, my life.
I need him. I need to just feel him.
Where the fuck is he?
Why isn't he here?
Why am I not holding him right now?
…
What the fuck have I done.
I'm not aware of it, but I have stood up. I've started pacing, looking around franticly as if, if I do it enough times I might turn my head and he'll be there. Waiting. But he never is.
I can see his face in my mind, that fucking gorgeous skin. Those eyes that shine even in the dead of night, that stupid dopey smile of his.
I can't do this. This is torture, I need out. I start screaming but no one hears. No one cares.
'STEVEN!'
I sound insane but I don't care. I shout at the top of my lungs, hoping he will hear and come running. I don't even care about the promise I made with myself any more.
I never took in the fact that this is my life now. And it is so much worse than the first time. The first time in jail I had fucked things up royally for us. But this time, call it wishful thinking, but this time I actually had a chance. Something to look forward to.
All I have to look forward to now is going from day to day thinking about him. Has he got his kids? Is he still in Hollyoaks? Is he okay?
Has he found someone new?
And Cheryl. Is she happy? Is she started her new life with Nate and never looking back?
My kids... I won't even see my kids grow up.
I'm going to die alone, without ever seeing the people I love ever again. There's no chance Eileen will let the kids visit. Not when she hears the latest victim.
Seamus Brady. Bet he's having a big fucking laugh in his grave. I bet they all are. RIP you mother fuckers. I know I will now.
I deserve it though don't I? I never paid for my sins, I guess now it's my turn. Ironic, I'm getting punished when I finally try to do something right.
My voice has become hoarse. My hands sore and bloody, most likely bruised from banging on the door. Nobody came. They want me to revel in my own suffering.
And believe me when I say all I can feel is fucking pain. A numb ache in my heart. A yearning for what I know I can never have. Ever again. It's the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my whole life. And I know there won't be a day in the rest of my life that I don't feel like this.
If I had been a better person...
I'm sobbing now. I don't sob, I never sob. And yet, small chocked sobs are escaping and the tears won't stop. Crocking out Steven's name so quietly, I'm not even sure whether it's in my head now or not. I have lost everything. I don't blame Cheryl, the past always catches up with you in the end. I just wish I had more time.
I wish I wasn't causing myself this heartache everyday by not letting Steven see me.
We only except the love we thing we deserve. Sounds about right.
This isn't how I wanted it to end.
On opposite ends of this thing, never reaching each other,
but...
It's a tragic ending to our tragic love story I guess...