SO A REALLY LONG TIME AGO THERE WAS THE FORGING OF THE RINGS A SUPER LONG TIME AGO THERE WAS MORE THAN ONE RING AND THE ELVES GOT 3 AND THE DWARVES GOT AND THE MEN GOT 9 LITTLE DID THE MEN KNOW THAT THEIR WILL WAS FUCKING WEAK AND SAURON SAID men are weak lol get fucked you guys are my servants of darkness I should call you something cool like the nazgul yeah that sounds badass AND SO THE MEN BECAME SERVANTS OF SAURON IN WHAT MIGHT BE THE WORST TRADE DEAL IN THE HISTORY OF TRADE DEALS MAYBE EVER AND SAURON WAS LIKE what if I made a ring that's like the rest but better and full of all my hate and malice yeah that's fucking cool AND SO HE MADE THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL AND BY THEM I MEAN FUCKING EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING SO EVENTUALLY THE MEN THAT WERE LEFT OVER AND THE ELVES WERE LIKE wow sauron thinks he's hot shit well we'll show him let's go AND ELROND AND ISILDUR WERE THERE AND ISILDURS DAD WAS STRUCK DOWN BY SAURON ANF ISILDUR WAS LIKE oh no dad AND HE GRABBED HIS FATHER'S SWORD AND HE WAS GONNA GET SAURON BUT THEN SAURON WAS LIKE haha what if I broke the sword AND HE DID BUT ISILDUR GRABBED WHAT WAS LEFT OF THE SWORD AND CUT THE ONE RING FROM SAURON HAND AND SAURON WENT ow AND ISILDUR PICKED UP THE RING AND BECAME TEMPTED BY THE POWER OF THE RING SO FLASH FORWARD A BIT AND ISILDUR IS KILLED BY SOME ORCS OR SOMETHING AND THE ONE RING FALLS TO THE BOTTOM OF A RIVER SO FLASH FORWARD 2500 YEARS AND GOLLUM HAS THE RING AND HE FALLS VICTIM TO IT AND HE GOES TO A CAVE AND JUST SITS THERE WITH THE RING FOR 500 YEARS LIKE A FUCKING GOOBER UNTIL THE RING WAS LIKE wow this guy is fucking weird I'm out AND THE RING LEFT GOLLUM AND BILBO FOUND IT AND FOR 60 YEARS BILBO KEPT THE RING
SO 60 YEARS LATER IT'S BILBOS BIRTHDAY AND FRODO IS OUT IN THE SHIRE HANGING OUT AND STUFF AND SEES GANDALF COMING BY ON A WAGON AND HE RUNS OVER AND HE'S LIKE you're late AND GANDALF IS LIKE I'm a wizard I'm never late AND THEY BOTH LAUGH AND THEY GO TO BILBOS HOUSE AND BILBO IS LIKE go away I don't want any visitors AND GANDALF IS LIKE what about old friends AND BILBO ANSWERS THE DOOR AND SAYS hi Gandalf AND THEN THEY TALK ABOUT BILBOS PLAN FOR LATER DURING THE PARTY SO FAST FORWARD TO THE PARTY BILBO IS GIVING A SPEECH AND HE SAYS hey I don't know half of you as well as I'd like to and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve AND EVERYONE IS CONFUSED BY THE BACKHANDED INSULTPLIMENT AND BILBO IS LIKE okay bye AND HE PUTS ON THE RING TO TURN INVISIBLE WHICH THE RING DOES AND THEN HE WALKS BACK TO HIS HOME AND GANDALF SHOWS UP AND IS LIKE bilbo what a bad joke that sucked AND BILBO GOES are you serious those people got fucking rekt son AND BILBO STARTS GETTING HIS SHIT TOGETHER TO LEAVE THE SHIRE AND GANDALF SAYS you best leave the ring here AND BILBO IS LIKE haha I guess BUT HE TRIES TO TAKE IT WITH HIM AND GANDALF ISN'T HAVING IT AND BILBO ENDS UP DROPPING IT ON THE FLOOR AND LEAVING AND THEN AFTER HES GONE FRODO SHOWS UP AND HES LIKE what bilbo no AND GANDALF IS LIKE bilbo yes AND FRODO IS LIKE oh okay AND GANDALF SAYS yeah he left everything in his will to you including the ring so put it in this envelope AND FRODO PICKS UP THE RING AND PUTS IT IN THE ENVELOPE AND GANDALF SAYS keep it secret keep it safe AND GANDALF LEAVES AND FLASH FORWARD AGAIN LIKE A COUPLE YEARS AND GANDALF IS BACK AND HE'S LIKE I'm throwing your ring in the fire pit AND FRODO IS LIKE that sounds stupid but you're a wizard and could end me so okay yeah AND HE THROWS IT IN AND EHEN HE PULLS IT OUT GANDALF IS LIKE what does it say AND FRODO SAYS nothing it's a fucking ring AND THEN AFTER A SECOND THE RING HAD ELVISH LETTERS ON IT AND GANDALF SAID yeah it says it's the one ring and sauron wants it and you have it and it's a mess AND FRODO SAYS haha good thing he doesn't know it's here AND GANDALF WENT well maybe he does AND FRODO SAYS well he doesn't so that's good AND GANDALF SAID no he totally does gollum told him AND FRODO GOT SPOOKED AND GANDALF TOLD HIM TO BLOW OUT OF DODGE AND SAMWISE HEARD IT AND GANDALF WAS LIKE god hobbits can be so annoying whatever go with Frodo and meet me at the village Bree and go to the Inn and tell them you know me it'll be cool but dont go on the road SO THEY LEAVE AND THEY RUN INTO MERRY AND PIPPIN WHO WERE STEALING SHIT LIKE HOOLIGANS AND FRODO SAID you guys are hooligans AND THEN THEY ENDED UP ON THE ROAD LIKE GANDALF SAID NOT TO AND THEN THESE BLACK RIDERS SHOWED UP AND THEY WERE LIKE screeeeeeeee AND THEN THE HOBBITS RAN AWAY TO THIS FERRY AND CROSSED A RIVER AND MADE IT TO BREE
SO AT THE GATES OF BREE THIS GUY OPENS IT AND HE'S LIKE I'm the grumpy old troll who lives in the village of bree if you wanna come over all you gotta do is this solve my riddle AND FRODO SAID no thanks AND THE GRUMPY OLD TROLL WHO LIVES IN THE VILLAGE OF BREE SAID okay then AND LET THEM IN AND THEY WENT TO THE PRANCING PONY INN AND FRODO SAID hi I'm looking for Gandalf he said he was here AND THE BARTENDER WAS LIKE he hasn't been here for like 5 months dude AND FRODO GETS ALL SAD AND THE HOBBITS START DRINKING AND THERE'S A SHADY GUY IN THE CORNER AND THE BARTENDER SAYS that guy is named strider AND FRODO SAID wow that's a fucking stupid name and he's so ugly too AND THEN FRODO DISSOCIATES AND PIPPIN TELLS RVERYONE THAT HIS SURNAME IS BAGGINS AND TO ESCAPE THE AWKWARD SITUATION HE PUTS ON THE ONE RING AND DISAPPEARS AND STRIDER GOES holy shit that looked suspiciously like the one ring AND IT WAS AND THEN FRODO TOOK IT OFF AND STRIDER IS LIKE bro that was fucking sick but those nazgul are coming for you now so I'll save you let's go AND THEY GO JUST AS THE NAZGUL WHO ARE THE BLACK RIDERS SHOW UP AND THEN MERRY AND PIPPIN ARE LIKE I'm hungry AND STRIDER THROWS APPLE'S AT THEM AND THEN THEY REACH THIS DECREPID PLACE CALLED WEATHER TOP AND ARAGORN LEAVES THEM ON THEIR OWN WHICH WAS A BAD IDEA BECAUSE THE NAZGUL SHOW UP FRODO WENT oh no AND THEN THE KING OF THE NAZGUL STABBED HIM AND FRODO WENT ow AND THEN STRIDER SHOWS UP AND SAYS more like nah-zgul and drives them away AND THEN HE REALIZES FRODO WAS STABBED WITH A MORGUL BLADE AND HE SAYS now he's going to turn into a nazgul unless we can save him so let's go and save him SO THEY GO TO THE FOREST AND ARWEN THE ELF IS THERE AND SHE SAYS wow he got fucking rekt lol AND STRIDER SAYS yeah haha but we have to save him AND ARWEN SAYS okay I'll take him to Rivendell to be healed by my father love you bye AND STRIDER SAYS love you bye
MEANWHILE GANDALF IS RIDING ON A HORSE TO ISENGARD TO MEET WITH HIS GOOD FRIEND SARUMAN THE WHITE AND GANDALF GOES TO ASK HIM FOR ADVICE SO SARUMAN IS LIKE hey Gandalf AND GANDALF IS LIKE hello saruman my old friend AND SARUMAN IS LIKE what's up AND GANDALF IS LIKE hey saruman i sent the one ring off with a hobbit and hes gping to take it to Rivendell to Elrond AND SARUMAN IS LIKE haha fuck Frodo I'm telling Sauron right now that Frodo has the One Ring AND GANDALF IS LIKE yo what AND SARUMAN IS LIKE boi did you really think a hobbit could contend with the will of sauron because he can't and neither can either of us so let's join him brah AND GANDALF IS LIKE uh no AND SARUMAN IS LIKE fine well I guess I have to kill you AND THEN HE THROWS GANDALF ONTO THE ROOF OF ISENGARD TO FIGHT HIM LATER AND THEN GANDALF HAS THE EAGLES COME SAVE HIM AND HE SWOOPS INTO RIVENDELL
SO FRODO WAKES UP AT RIVENDELL AND GANDALF IS LIKE wakey wakey eggs and bacey AND FRODO IS LIKE yo i had the trippiest dream I got stabbed and shit AND GANDALF WAS LIKE haha look at your shoulder AND FRODO SAID oh dear AND THE OTHER HOBBITS RAN IN AND SAID hi frodo you were almost fro-dead AND GANDALF LAUGHED AND THEN FRODO SAW BILBO AND BILBO SAID what did you think of my sick trick it was pretty tight right AND FRODO SAID I missed you AND BILBO WAS LIKE here read my book AND FRODO READ IT AND THEN ELRIND AND GANDALF WERE TALKING AND ELROND SAID well I don't want the ring AND GANDALF SAID but neither do I AND ELROND SAID okay so let's send someone to destroy it in the firey pits of mordor AND THEN ELROND CALLED A MEETING CALLED THE COUNCIL OF ELROND AND ONLY THE MOST POPULAR PEOPLE COULD JOIN AND ELROND SAID so elephant in the room the ring is here AND BOROMIR SON OF THE STEWARD OF GONDOR SAID can I have it AND STRIDER SAID no AND BOROMIR SAID wow AND LEGOLAS SON OF THRANDUIL KING OF MIRKWOOD SAID how dare you say wow to Aragorn son of arathorn AND BOROMIR SAID so this is isildurs heir AND ARAGORN FORMERLY KNOWN AS STRIDER SAID nobody said that but thank you for enhancing my character development and establishing my spot as a main character AND THEN GIMLI SON OF GLOIN SAID ill break it with me axe AND THEN HE TRIED TO BREAK THE RING BUT THE RING COULD NOT BE BROKEN BY ANY CRAFT THEY HAD AND ELROND SAID the ring cannot be broken by any craft we have AND THEN THEY ALL GASPED AND ELROND SAID someone has to take it to mordor AND FRODO SAID yeah okay AND ELROND SAID really AND FRODO SAID yeah I'll take it AND THEN LEGOLAS AND ARAGORN AND BOROMIR AND GIMLI AND FRODO AND SAMWISE AND GANDALF AND MERRY AND PIPPIN BECAME THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING
THE FELLOWSHIP LEAVES RIVENDELL AND THEY START HEADING TOWARDS CARADHRAS AFTER SARUMAN SENT SOME BIRDS TO SPY ON THEM AND SARUMAN SAID TO HIMSELF so they're heading toward caradhras AND THEN CARADHRAS IS A SNOWY MOUNTAIN AND SARUMAN STARTED YELLING AT THE MOUNTAIN hey have an avalanche please AND THE MOUNTAIN SAID okay AND THERE WAS AN AVALANCHE AND THEN ARAGORN SAID we should go another way AND GIMLI SAID let's go to the mines BUT BOROMIR SAID let's go to the gap of Rohan AND GANDALF SAID let's let the most inexperienced and clueless person decide the fate of our lives yeah that's a good idea what'll it be frodo my lad AND FRODO SAID the mines SO THEY WENT TO THE MINES OF MORIA WHICH HAD AN ITHILDEN DOOR WHICH COULD ONLY BE OPENED IN THE MOONLIGHT ANF GANDALF SAID it needs a password AND THEY ALL WERE STUMPED FOR A LONG TIME AND PIPPIN THREW SOME ROCKS INTO THE LAKE AND ARAGORN SAID don't disturb the water AND PIPPIN SAID yeah it would suck if there was like a huge squid thing in there Thatll grab us later AND ARAGORN SAID yeah that's oddly specific but yeah that would suck AND THEN GANDALF OPENED THE DOOR TO MORE AND THEY WALKED IN ONLY TO FIND EVERYONE WAS DEAD ANF GIMLI SAID oh no that was pretty much everyone I knew and loved AND THEN A HUGE SQUID THING GRABBED FRODO AND EVERYONE FOUGHT IT BUT IN DOING THAT THEY GOT STUCK IN THE MINES AND GANDALF SAID well this is a fine pickle AND THEY TRAVERSED THE MINES UNTIL THEY WERE DISCOVERED BECAUSE PIPPIN WAS BEING STUPID AGAIN AND THEN IT TURNS OUT THERE'S A BALROG IN THE MINE WHICH IS LIKE A SATAN DRAGON AND GANDALF SAID yeah okay it's time to get the fuck out of here AND EVERYONE RAN UNTIL THEY MADE IT TO THE BRIDGE OUT OF THE MINES AND GANDALF STOPPED ON THE BRIDGE AND STARTED TALKING SMACK TO THE BALROG AND HE SAID your momma so fat she could eat mordor AND THE BALROG GOT UPSET AND GANDALF SAID you shall not pass AND THEN THE BALROG FELL OFF THE BRIDGE BUT TOOK GANDALF WITH HIM AND EVERYONE CRIED
SO THE FELLOWSHIP HEADS FOR LOTHLORIEN WHERE THEY MEET GALADRIEL THE HOTTEST AND PUREST OF ELVES AND SHE SHOES FRODO A MIRROR AND SHE'S LIKE things that were things that are and things that have not yet come to pass AND FRODO SAID like my interest in this conversation AND GALADRIEL SAID excuse me AND FRODO SAID nothing AND HE LOOKED INTO THE MIRROR AND SAW SOME SHIT AND TRIED TO GIVE GALADRIEL THE ONE RING AND SHE REFUSED BUT WAS LIKE yeah okay I'm going to go to Valnor after this I've had about enough AND SHE SENDS THEM ON THEIR WAY WITH LITTLE BOATS AND CLOAKS AND SO THEY LEAVE AND HIT LAND AGAIN AND LEGOLAS SAYS yo there's some shit stirring in the woods my dudes AND HE WAS RIGHT FOR MANY REASONS BUT ARAGORN WAS LIKE fuck where's frodo and boromir AND BOROMIR WAS LIKE can I have the ring AND FRODO SAID no AND BOROMIR ATTACKED HIM AND THEN FRODO PUT ON THE RING LIKE A DINGUS AND RAN OFF AND HE FOUND ARAGORN AND SAID dude boromir is off the fucking deep end AND FRODO LEFT TO GO BACK TO SHORE MEANWHILE LEGOLAS WAS ALSO RIGHT BECAUSE THE URUK-HAI WERE COMING AND ARAGORN NOTICED AND WENT okay see you later buddy AND FRODO RAN OFF AND ARAGORN STARTED FIGHTING THE URUK-HAI AND LEGOLAS AND GIMLI SHOW UP IN A PLOT CONVENIENT FASHION AND ALSO START TO FIGHT THE URUK-HAI MEANWHILE MERRY AND PIPPIN ARE FRODO RUNNING AND THEY ARE HIDING AND SAY frodo here's a pretty dope hiding spot you dig AND FRODO DID NOT DIG AND MERRY SAID oh he's going off on his own AND MERRY AND PIPPIN DISTRACTED THE URUK-HAI SO FRODO COULD RUN BACK TO SHORE MEANWHILE THE HORN OF GONDOR IS SOUNDED BY BOROMIR AND ARAGORN AND LEGOLAS AND GIMLI GO TO FIND HIM AND HE IS TRYING TO SAVE MERRY AND PIPPIN FROM BEING KIDNAPPED BY THE URUK-HAI WHO SUSPECT EITHER OF THEM COULD HAVE THE RING AND HE BATTLES THE URUK-HAI LEADER LURTZ WHO IS UGLY ON THE OUTSIDE AND ALSO ON THE INSIDE SO HE IS UGLY AND THAT'S THE POINT WELL EVERYONE ELSE SHOWS UP SAVE FOR FRODO AND SAMWISE AND BOROMIR GETS STRAIGHT UP SHOT THREE TIMES WITH ARROWS AND HE COLLAPSES FIXING TO DIE AS THE HOBBITS ARE CARRIED AWAY AND ARAGORN KNEELS BY HIM AND BOROMIR SAYS I'm dying AND ARAGORN SAYS you kicked ass though my man that was fucking right AND BOROMIR SAID I attacked frodo and I feel real bad AND ARAGORN SAID yeah whatever you're dying so it doesn't matter this is your 3 minute redemption arc AND BOROMIR DIES AND ARAGORN CRIES MEANWHILE FRODO IS ROWING AWAY AND SAMWISE SHOWS UP LIKE hey you fuck I'm your gardener who'll sign my paycheck if you die so im coming with you AND THEY BOTH SAIL OFF AS THE FELLOWSHIP BREAKS INTO LITTLE PIECES AND PEOPLE CRY