(There are 40,000 people in Winterfell. These are their problems)
Wayne(solo):You were watching the Boratheons march in the other daaay
(Wayne, Dan, darry, and Katy all wearing traditional winterfell clothes, except in their standard poses)
Dan: well. We're fucked
Katy: how so?
Dan: well we gots a big army comin' in. The people's aints informed. Theys gonna start asking questions, gettins riled ups.
Wayne: shootin' off all your arrows when you don't know what yer aiming for's a good way to shoot yourself in the balls and lose all yer arrows. No reason to get excited.
Katy: what do you think they're here for?
Dan: oh not a clue
Wayne: exactly...
Dary: Now...l don't mean to gossip
Katy: come on now, don't be a tease...
Dary: well...l don't wanna say. It's kinda gross...
Wayne: Don't get crass, the boratheons are right there.(army still going by)
Dan: now is this the ones l told you's the other days or is this somethings else?
Darry: nah something's else. But yours is good, l need to...wrap my head around my...uh, my thing before I tell it.
Dan: so's l'm havins a drinks over with Gail at her place. Have you ever beens in a situations where you sees something outs the corner of your eyes and you knows it's something you shouldn'ts be starings at, but ya just gotta dive in? So l turns and takes a ganders and l sees this real thin woman breastfeedings in the bar. Now...l'm a pretty progressive fella here and likes to prides myself on mindings my own business, but this whole situations has a strange sorts of fuckery. Firsts off, as l'm tryings not to make with all three of her major plotspoints, the first things l notice is "oh fuck, l thinks that's lisa arryn." Now what's lisa arryn doings giving her sons a might helping of the titty nectar, not because it's in public mind yous, but because now if l recall l'm pretty sure the little shits now at least had 10 summers under his belt. Which is a bits fucking weird. This goes ons for a good 45 minutes and l think "fuck it, l'm going all in" and full on starts staring for some answers...but it turns outs it was just the McMurrays practicings their public sexuals exhibitionings.
Darry:...I heard queen Cersei's puttin' out for her brother.
Katy: fuck...you should have gone first
Dan: hey now...
Katy: really?
Darry: allegedly.
Wayne: what goes on in a man's head where he not only willingly gets his family trees all tangled up before conditioner is made, but how are you gonna be so loose with your indiscretions that fucking darry knows about it?
Katy:yeah that's how you know it's not true.
Darry:(laughing) yeah...hey.
Dan: how's do you thinks them boratheons kids will react to it?
Katy: they don't really get a choice...I mean look at them, they all have super blonde.
Wayne: and what does that say about you If you're on the sexual level of queen Cersei Lannister and you think " hey now, know what l'd like to take a whack at? My fucking brother"
Katy:(sounds of disgust)
Darry:(sounds of disgust)
Everyone (all make sounds of disgust)
Dan: If l was ats her level l wouldn't fucks my sisters...well mainly because l don'ts haves any sisters. But still...
Darry: you couldn't fuck your sister even if you tried.
Wayne: I wish you weren't so fucking awkward,bud.
Darry(sad)
Wayne: Nows lm's concerned. What kind of nonsense is our kingdom getting into that our lifeline comes from a man who has no idea is his own wife is inviting her brother into their marital cot putting his mister into his sister?
Katy: the ol' downstairs brother-smotherbr
Dan: the oldschool bible-thump thump thumpin'
Darry:...yeah l got nothin'. This is super gross. I feel bad bringing it up.
(The group notices the army is gone and a horse carrying reilly and jonesy come trailing up.)
Reilly: 'sup Katy-kat
Katy: heyy..
Wayne: l know if a parade were to have an asshole it would be found at the end...don't suppose you can tell me why this parade has two assholes?
(Jonesy and Reilly look caught off guard)
Darry: did you two fucks both ride in on one horse?
Wayne: you share a brain and a horse now? Figger it out.
Darry: figger it out.
Wayne: Now...how is it that 2 people can both ride bitch on the same form of transportation?
Darry: figger it out!
Wayne: figger it out...
Reilly: hey man, we came by to tell Katy that we can't see her anymore
Katy: why not?
Jonesy: I can't say...
Darry: what's the matter? You got your heads shoved so far up eachother's mud clams? Of course you can't see her you fuckin' doorknobs.
Jonesy: you're a...fuck you!
Darry(spits loogie at jonesy's feet)
Wayne: well come on princess l'm on pins and fucking needles!
Katy: guys what in the seven hells do you mean that you can't see me anymore...
Reilly: we're joining the nights watch. We heard shit near the wall has gone fuckin' looney-tunes. Heard some shit about people comin back to life and there's gonna be a possible smackdown
Wayne:(looks concerned)
Reilley: yeah we hear a spot opened up cuz some guy went full-bitch and big daddy Stark fucking beasted his gourd opren.
Jonesy: and my mom said l had to get a job and l have to move out and get a job so...
Reilly: we just finished taking our vows of abstinence and our pledge to the watch so we came to say goodbye to Katy.
Jonesy: yeah...when everyone hears about our brave sacrifice we are so gonna get laid!
Reilley: gonna get our D's dubbed!
Jonesy: kills some zombies and hit it at some mom-bies.
Reilley: kill some wight walkers and rockers with our cockers!
Jonesy: ferda watch!
(Both yell "ferda" and chest-bump.)
Katy: you guys are fucking idiots. What is the real reason you'd want to do something so impulsive?
Reilly: I don't know...we got tired of making snow Angel's and now we're bored. and l heard Jon Snow is joining. And that dude's a real fur trapper-
Katy: -wait, Jon Snow is there? Oh fuck...(leaves with jonesy and Reilly on the horse)
Wayne: oh fuck indeed...(gets up and leaves in a different direction)
Wayne(solo): So spring may have sprung and the fall was a small trip, but winter is coming and we're all fucked.
(Letterkenny Title card)
(Wayne and Darry walking to Shireen's ((name of Gail's bar in this universe)) he hears a ruckus behind him as a group of people are shrieking and growling behind them)
Wayne: gods damnit...fuckin' Greyjoys(lights up a cigarette)
( the "Greyjoys"((played by The Skids)) jump around Wayne completely surrounding him. While Wayne just stares off in the distance annoyed.)
Stuart: what's the matter, shirt tucker?!
(Roald plucks the cigarette out of Wayne's mouth and sniffs it length wise, burns his nose, and yelps loudly)
Stuart:(yells) Roald! Aesthetic.
Devin:(growling) GET INTO POSITION!
roald: *gasps* (puts the cigarette in between his fingers wolverine-claw style and hisses at Devin, Devin hisses back)
Stuart: Like I SAID... why the sudden craving for the death stick? Usually people tend to...partake whenever they are nervous? Timorous? Intimidated?
(Whole group screams/growls "GREYJOYS" while Stuart raises his hands over his head)
Wayne: Nothing to be intimidated over. Just can't imagine this moment will pass any sooner than l'd like (gestures to roald) and twiggy, if you put my dart anywhere near your meth-hole l suggest you send for a raven to let your family know l'm gonna cut you in half like Peter Baelish's gross little milk tickler.
Roald: (horny) well...l'm willing to pay the iron price if the great Wayne Is willing to...split me in half.(giggles and brings cigarette to his mouth)
(Wayne reaches for the cigarette and without touching him, Roald shrieks and falls to the floor whimpering, imitating a kicked puppy.)
Wayne: don't be crass. Not in front of Darry.
Darry: thanks bud.
Wayne:How is it compared to winterfell people who live in a land where they get about as much sun as you get social cues, yet we have a healthy glow and you's guys are paler than aerys targaryan's pubes?
Darry: You's guys need some fucking vitamin D and l need a fucking Puppers.
Stuart: what a day! Wayne is splitting people in half and darry is suggesting his fucking D...
Wayne: what did l say about that kinda talk in front of darry! And what in the seven hells is the Iron Price even?
Stuart: it means...we take whatever we want. By means of conquest. Anything catches our fancy, we pounce! Attack! Dessimate! Annilate!
(Growling continues, chanting "WE DO NOT SOW")
Stuart: and to answer any curiosities in that frost-bitten brain of yours. We are here...to get the attention of THE, royal Greyjoy family. We hear Theon is here..
Darry: as Ned Stark's bargaining bitch.
Devin:Irrelevant!
Stuart: we can still pitch our idea to him and maybe he can pass it onto his family's attention...hopefully,Balon?(Smiles smugly)
Darry: buncha Balon Greyjoy gay-boys..
(Stuart laughs at the joke but tries to play it off serious, but roald raises his eyebrows looking upset)
Stuart(harshly whispering) I have always supported you!
Wayne: let me choke up on the reigns here real quick.
Darry: please do, good buddy.
Wayne: first of all, you're from the Iron Islands. So calling yourself "Greyjoys" is a bit misleading since yous aint part of the family.
Darry: thought you should know...
Wayne: "We do not sow" sounds like a real dipshit thing to brag about. You're too self absorbed to plant a fucking potato? Learn to farm, stay in one place, stop stabbing people. Common sense, figger it out...
Darry: Figger it out, you might as well go around bragging saying "we don't do laundry" " we poops our dungarees so mommy greyjoy can wipe our stinky-starfish off for us."
Wayne: And so we can close this little musical, let's get to the third act so we can drop curtain on this goth-squid shitshow.(lights another cigarrette)
Stuart:Curious about our plan? Well... if you MUST know...show him, Devin.
(Devin pulls a string out of his pocket that appears to be a necklace with about 9 tongues for charms.)
(Darry scrunches up his face upset)
Stuart: if we-
Wayne: What the fuck!
Stuart:...if we invent a new way of torture and sell it to the greyjoys...we will finally get what we deserve in this realm of f-f-fucking! monotony!
/Darry: I...I...I dont want it. I dont want to be near it(goes inside the bar)
Devin: after we conquer a group, we will appeal the idea of taking your victims and ripping out their tongues. It will be the highest form of being conquered.
Wayne: so you make a necklace out of tongues?!
Stuart: Not exactly...
Wayne: then what the fuck will you do with the tongues? Who's tongues are those even?
Stuart: just a couple of common bovine...whom succumbed to the art of nunchaku...by accident of course. I haven't thought through what to do with our battle earned tongues...
Wayne: I need you gals to be honest to me. I'm not about to go into the semantics of how fucked it is that you seek out people and hurt them. I understand killing a man who invades your home or kingdom, but if you guys are going out of your way to kill a guy, then rip out human tongues...and you go and-and... if l find out you put the tongues up butts or something of that ilk...by the old gods and the new you need some fucking help.
Stuart:...
Roald:...*giggles and whimpers*
Wayne:(puts out his cigarette.) Stay outside and leave the cows alone!
(Wayne enters the bar while the greyjoys stay outside)
Roald:(visibly pouting)
Stuart:...
Roald: STRT!
Stuart: I didn't tell him! I didn't even tell devin about your...recent lingual adventures
Devin: (grimmaces) well NOW l know!
Roald: (super high pitched) strrrrrt! (Runs away sobbing)
Devin: (looking at the tongue necklace) which one of these did he...*sniffs* ooohf!
(Wayne and darry sit down at the bar and greets gail Derry and Dan sit at the bar too)
Wayne: Gail, how arye you now?
Gail: Good, n' you?br /br /Wayne: Ohh...not so bad. Well, actually-
(Glenn walks in)br /br /Glenn: Well, shoot! By the seven! This little mother of dragons is freezing her eggs off! (Sits down) Wayne! How ARE you? I'm just gonna (sits too close) scooooch on over. Oh you're so warm! Ooh! I can see the steam comin' off ya! (Pretends to touch wayne) ow! Burned my damn tips off(wiggles fingers) Now l do NOT know...how l'm gonna handle this cold any longer.
Gail: I don't mind...I know I'm drivin safe when l can see everyone's headlights(sticks fingers out to mime having hard nips)
Wayne: 'kay now...
Glenn: Just the other day, "little birdies" told me...about these fellas. Livin' the dream! Livin' down in the South. Y'know like Dorne or The Reach...
Derry:course.
Dan: super toastys in The Reach.
Gail: I got a few places l'd like to Reach...
Glenn: Thing is, these fellas aren't down there on holiday. Called the Unsullied. They got a pretty cushy job protecting people.
Wayne: Nothin' wrong with protecting those that you find dear to you...
Dan: that sounds likes a pretty fuckings nobles professions.
Derry: kinda feel like there's about to be a catch.
Glenn: oh quite a catch. Though not much to catch. Let alone to grab onto...you see...um
Wayne: well pitter-patter let's get at her!br /br /Glenn: they unsullied have to have their root and pumpkins shaved off.
(Group just stares disgusted into their drinks)
Glenn:...so that's a no? not worth it?
Wayne: fuck no!
Dan: fucks no!
Derry: by the fuckin' old gods and the fuckin' new...I heard some pretty depressing shit outside just now but...NO!
Gail: (Screams)NOOOO!
(Everyone looks at gail)
Gail: (horrified) N-no...(stares vacantly into a glass she was cleaning, deeply scarred)
Dan: Now why's the fucks would you wants to volunteers your family jewels and lemonades spewers.
Gail: (still in shock)
Derry: I think she's broken.
Glenn: well I'm just so dang cold all the time. I'm so effing cold l haven't seen my needle and my hot-pies in ages. Plus l thought it would be fun to, ya know, see the world...
Derry: yer beans thoughs!
Dan: your Sean beans!
Derry:..."Seen"?
Wayne: I'm not touching this one. I'm just gonna follow Gail's lead. Got any tips Gail?
Gail:...br /br /Wayne:Now don't make me get crass...not in front if Derry..
(Gail continues to stare off)
Wayne:(sighs)tips?... di-ck...tips?
(Gail doesn't respond)
Wayne: holy fuck she's about to assume room temperature. And like l said before, l'm not touching this one. I gots too much on my mind, just tossing that out there in case anyone's gonna bite.
Dan:No ones gonna be touchings that ones on accounts of nothing's beings lefts overs!
Glenn: Well dont you think l know that?And l just thought l wouldn't...miss 'em all that much if l got to slum it with that Spicy little Danny T'. Or Obey Marts'!
Gail:*mumbles*
(Wayne splashes his whiskey in Gail's face and Gail pulls herself out of the dickless void)
Gail: (Screams)
Derry: There shes is.
Gail: Danerys Targeryan...I'd hit that until MY hair turned white..
Glenn:..or...or...that little minx Margie T?
Gail: MMMM! Margaery FUCKIN' Tyrell...I got something "Growing Strong" for her in my rose bush...
Derry: is there anyone you wouldn't mind tossing it to's?
Wayne: Hows abouts Roberts Boratheons afters a longs hunts?
Gail: ooooooooooh! Robert... ours is the fury but mine is the "furry"(gestures to her bits) it's been a long time since l've shaved it will be like he is staring into a very. Grateful. Mirror. Beautiful bearded thick son of a bitch.
Dan: Now l'ms not ones to sharpens my owns swords,Buts l feels pretty good abouts myselfs. Thanks you, Gails!
Gail: anytime you lil' Baratheon gateway drug.
Wayne: What aboot Jamie Lannister?
Derry: couldn't be able to get passed him fucking his sis.
Wayne: allegedly
Gail: That's fine by me...I'd be thinking about giving his sister a few blisters myself...
Derry: what do you think the unsullied do with their uh...
Wayne: spit it out...
Derry: what did they do with the leftovers once they got cut off?
(the skids kick in the door)
Roald:Strt was NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU ANYTHING!
Wayne: Dinger-bell! I told you to stay the fucks outside! And l gots something's to say! Now l ain't askin' and l ain't tellin'...but l got some business over at the wall. (Slams his drink) have a good one.
(Shoulder- checks roald lightly and roald screams as Wayne passes him)
(Cut to the wall)
(Jonesy and Riley are pissing off the wall while Katy sits at the side bored.)
Jonesy: you see that pinecone at the bottom of the wall?
Riley: not really.
Jonesy: well l'm throwing a fuckin' Clapper at it.
Katy: thank you guys for your ultimate sacrifice... I feel so much safer now...
(Wayne travels up to the top of the wall about to chew the guys a new one before the coach pushes past)
Coach: Now what kinda sad butt-fuckery is going on here!?
(Jonesy and riley look startled)
Coach: and here l thought l had to worry about my men here fighting off grumpkins and fucking snarks for the good people of winterfell, when really the biggest threat l've got is a couple of pissin' chode-fairies...oh look boys! Cryptic messages allover the wall(gestures to where they peed earlier)...now look at the writing boys, what do you think it says?(coach grabs jonesy and rilley and hangs their heads over the wall while they blubber in fear staring at their own pee stains)
Coach: hey now, l think l cracked it...it says that you two dusters are...FUCKING. EMBARASSING!
(Jonesy and riley are tossed back to where they were sitting.)
Coach: now grab some rags and make this bitch look shine like your moms' fucking foreheads...l hear jon snow is coming by later.
(Riley and jonesy both): oh fuck, jon snow...(Both start cleaning)
Katy: (see's Wayne hanging out by the wall) Wayne?
Wayne: Now...don't go making a scenes.
Katy: you came down here all by yourself?
Wayne: I suppose...
Katy: Because you don't trust me to take care of myself?
Wayne: 'course not Katy.
Katy: Then why did you come down here? You wanted to make a grand stand big brother?
Wayne: Now l trust you as far as l can drop those two fucks down this great wall any day...now you're gonna want to give me a time out for getting all gooey on you but...when those two human thumbs started talking about Walkers and Cockers l gots nervous. Cuz if there is anythings that the people needs protection from, let alone my friends and family, l don't wants to go around relying on a couple of fucking hardboiled eggs like them. But seeings how they got a tongue lashing just now l do feel better about the whole thing...before that l was gonna join the night's watch.
Katy: *shoulder punch* Wayne! What the FUCK!
Wayne: l know...instead l'll just come knock them around as a warning every now and then.
Katy: thanks(hugs)
Wayne: now stop hanging out with these fucking losers!
Katy: we'll see...
Wayne: seriously, those two couldn't hit a buck if they had a bazooka and 4 quarters.
Katy: ok...
Wayne: those two couldn't find their way out of a 10 foot bag if l gave them a 15 foot headstart!
Katy: simmer down!
Wayne:...they...they couldn't hit...
Katy: are you done?!
Wayne: couldn't hit...hit a...hit a fucking...yep. guess I'm done.
(End credits pick a song or whatever. Pick something by Jon Lejoie l don't care.)