"I'll Go On"
Disclaimer: I don't own SVU or the characters.
Author's Note: This story takes place around the middle to end of season 13. I tend to write my stories with a lot of inspiration from what is going on in my life, this is no exception. I wrote it with guidance from a song by Reba McEntire that I love, this story's namesake, you can listen to it here: /mrxCmOiY48E
I'm starting to wonder if anyone ever comes into your life to stay for good. People come into your life for short periods of time, long periods of time, and anything and everything in between. People come into your life for different reasons some come in to teach you lessons some come in to teach you pain, some teach you love, some teach you wisdom, and some just come into your life to share the experience with you. But no one is in your life forever.
Is it really possible to hold onto these relationships and these people if they aren't meant to stay in your life?
How do you teach yourself to let go, to move on, and to accept the fact that the person has fulfilled their role in your life and can no longer be involved in it? Do you live and let live, move on and forget how important that person was to you and the impact they had on your life? Or do you live and let die, always hold on to the piece of that person who lived in your heart until you die, slowly losing parts of your heart as different people come and go in your life taking that part with them when they leave?
Do you look back on the memories fondly and think of the good times you shared with the person, or do you look back with pain and sadness in your eyes only able to focus on the fact that they are no longer in your life and the times that you did share with them were so good?
People have come and gone in my life so often, that I've started to lose track. But it was always different with him. We were never like other partners, there was always something about us that was… different. He was my best friend, my whole world, my everything.
I thought I knew every part there was to know about him. I knew about his past, I knew about his ambitions for the future, I knew what he had for dinner every night because for some dumb reason, he found it necessary to give me a minute by minute rundown of his days when he left work, like he wanted to share that time with me. I knew everything about him, or thought I did.
You think you know somebody, then you don't and you don't know why. Do you ever really know anyone or just what they show you? Is it possible to know the entirety of a person or only bits and pieces? People are constantly changing, they change so quickly. They change every day right in front of our own eyes, sometimes you see it and sometimes you don't. In this case, I didn't, I was walking around with a blindfold over my eyes. Or, I chose not to see it. If you are lucky enough to notice they are changing, before it's too late, you have to make the decision if you are willing to change with them or let them change without you and leave you behind.
If you let them leave you behind, leave you in the dust, you have to let them go and letting go of people hurts, but do you let the hurt continue, or do you accept your new reality and go on as if you haven't lost a thing? Do you take time to grieve what you are losing, celebrate what you had, or just keep going as if nothing has changed and it has no impact on you or your ability to go through life unscathed.
But it does hurt. It hurts more than I could imagine being shot feels like. Luckily, I haven't experienced that yet, but I think I would prefer it to how I am feeling now.
I've had many people come into my life and leave just as quickly as they were in it. I'm trying to hold on to the people in my life now, but the back of my mind is constantly reminding me that no one stays in your life forever and that I shouldn't get too attached to anyone because they're going to leave my life without ever really staying in it. It's a losing battle and I feel like I've just lost the war.
But I know that's not true and because of it I long for human connection, I long to hold onto the people I choose to be in my life, and even the ones I didn't. Having anyone leave my life is incredibly painful, something I want to avoid but I'm unsure how to prevent. Because of this, I push people away. I don't even let them in. If they can't get close to me, I can't get hurt.
I didn't push him away, in fact, I did the opposite, I welcomed him into my life. I showed him more of myself than I have ever shown anyone before. He was everything, and that's what I gave him. He told me he would never be like them, like the people who walked out of my life before, the ones who left without a word, the ones who left with too many. He told me he would always be my partner, for better or worse, he vowed to protect me from harm when he was the one who ended up breaking me.
I should hate him.
I do hate him.
That's a lie. I don't hate him, I used to, but not now. Truth is, I far but hate him and because of that, I hate myself. I hate that I let him in. I hate that I got used to him being here, relying on him. Needing him. God forbid, even, loving him.
If I could ever hate him, it would be because he wanted me to live my life without him in it, even though he knew how much I needed him in my life.
But I forgave him.
It took some time, but I forgave him for leaving me, I probably would have done the same thing if I was in his shoes. Hell, I have done the same thing, the only difference is that I came back. I also didn't shoot a teenage girl who was on the brink of a mental breakdown, but that is something we all would like to forget.
I hope Elliot knows that I've forgiven him.
He probably doesn't.
He carries too much weight on his shoulders. He was just doing what he needed to do to survive. Basic human nature, fight or flight, eat or be eaten, define or be defined. He was just using his self-repair mechanism. I am very familiar with this technique. When the going gets tough, I get out. I always seem to take the easier road when it comes to my well-being, I shouldn't expect him to be any different. I don't blame him.
It's really not a shock that he left, it was bound to happen eventually. You get used to someone, start to like them, even, and they leave. In the end, everyone leaves. We were playing with water and oil, two souls that were compatible but never meant to combine, to become one. It's better to lock up your heart with a padlock, than to fall in love with someone who doesn't know what they mean to you. I really can't say if he ever felt as I do, we never said the words out loud to each other, but I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't, if I misread the signs.
But I forgive him for that, for not feeling like I do. He is married, I am not sure what I was expecting. It was just a schoolgirl crush that I let get out of hand, nothing more.
That's another lie.
His absence leaves a big hole in my heart and I don't know how I'm going to patch it up. Sometimes I think I am dying. This kind of pain, this level of heartache. I have never been this torn up about someone leaving my life before, why is it any different this time? I know why.
I'm pretty sure it's not the end of the world tonight, even though down deep in my soul, it feels like it might. I'm pretty sure I'll wake up tomorrow still breaking inside, still missing him, loving him, wishing he was here by my side. But he isn't and he won't be, so, I'll go on missing him. I'll go on, wanting him. I'll go on with or without him in my life, he's made his choice and left me behind, the only choice I have now is to go on.
No going back, just me and my memories now.
I put the emblem badge he left for me on my gun. I put it there because he can still be my backup even though he's not here, he will always have my back. He is still my protector, even though I can protect myself. The only two things I fully trust in this world, Elliot, and my gun. He left me and I'll carry what's left of him with me always.
I'll go on missing him.
Semper FI, El.
I remember last summer. The summer of 2010. My hair was growing out, the sun was warm on our skin. The cases were hard; swingers, Cassandra and Doug, Sonya's death, Dana's attack, Calvin. But somehow within all of that crap, we still managed to get through, make it out alive. Together. We had been missing a few pieces of ourselves, but those were the good days. Those were the days that I knew I was in love with him. I thought he was in love with me too.
I wouldn't trade those good days if it could stop my pain now, if I could have told myself not to love him so now. I'd still love him. I'd do it all again if I could.
Nothing has ever been easy between us, but loving him, that was easy. I didn't want to, I fought it every step of the way. But because I let that be easy, letting go of him is so much harder to do.
I'll go on loving him.
This feels like the end of the world. It is, in some sense, it is the end of my world. It's the end of an era. No more Benson and Stabler. No more El and Liv. No more kidneys, no more late night coffees on the steps of his apartment, no more Oregon, no more Jenna, no more fighting about who gets to drive. No more carrots, no more orange juice, no more fighting like lovers or undercover missions as married people. The end of my longest relationship. Who is going to put up with me now? I guess I'll have to figure it out. This is it. I'll go on with or without him.
It may not be the end of the world, but it feels like it is.
Elliot is not coming back, and I'll go on.
Author's note: I hope you all enjoyed it, please leave a review, it really helps me when you guys leave feedback! Thanks for reading, I hope you all go check out the song!