Romance at Hogwarts (Sorta Censored Version)
Chapter 1: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Scene: Harry and Ron are sitting down together on the Hogwarts Express.
Ron: Hullo. I'm Ron Weasely. And you are...?
Harry: Harry. Harry Potter.
Ron: 'Arry Pottah? Are you really?
Harry: Well, I do happen to have a scar shaped like lightning on my forehead.
Ron: I'll bet it's from that time when the portal to platform 9 and ¾ was broken. Hah! My brother Percy ran straight into it. Too bad he was too ugly in the first place to get any uglier.
Harry: Who's Percy?
Ron: My annoying older brother. He's a prig, and only appears in two chapters of the book, so feel free to ignore him. So anyways, who gave you the scar?
Harry: Er, actually it was from the dark wizard Voldemort.
Ron: Oh, Voldemort. That's cool. Hey, you hungry?
Harry: Not really.
Ron: Great! Let's order some food!
Harry: I said-
Ron: OY! TROLLEY-WITCH!
Trolley-Witch: WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT THIS TIME?!?!
Harry: We'll take the lot!
Ron: Why?
Harry: Anything to get you to shut up!
*later*
Ron: Mmph *crunch* mmm…
Hermione: Um, excuse me, but has anyone seen a toad?
*Ron looks down at his stomach in a fearful way*
Harry: No. And there are only two of us here, so we hardly qualify as 'anyone'. More like 'you two'.
Hermione: Well EXCUSE me!
Ron: Nmph!
Hermione: Oh, and by the way, I'm Hermione Granger. I'm also the only girl at Hogwarts who looks like a beaver.
Harry: Oh. Hi Hermione. I'm Harry. Harry Potter.
Hermione: Holy cricket! Do you have the scar?! Can I see it? Can I? Can I? Can I?
Harry: *sigh*. Maybe I should just gel back my hair or something. Then everyone would see it and not ask.
Hermione: Okay, okay, I trust you!
Ron: *AHEM* I'm Ron. Ron Weasely. I'm a Weasely brother.
Harry: As opposed to what? A Weasely sister? Well actually-
Hermione: ER, hullo. Wait a second…Woah, doesn't it bother you that we all have the most ridiculous names?
Ron: I suppose…hey!
Harry: She has a point. My name can be easily abused!
Malfoy: Well well well, what do we have here? Ronald McDonald, Um…Hermione
Granger-
Crabbe and Goyle: *snicker*
Malfoy:-And Harry Anus!
Ron: *snicker*
Harry: Shut up Ron! That wasn't funny in the least. Now, whoever you are, stop calling us names or I'll shove my wand up your-
Hermione: Harry!
Harry: But they deserve it!
Ron: * snicker*
Malfoy, Harry + Hermione: Shut up Ron!
Malfoy: I'm Draco. Draco Malfoy. I'm the bad guy. C'mon, hand over the candy NOW!
Ron: NEVER!
Malfoy: Well, I'll just have to take it from you…OW!
Ron: GET 'EM, BEN! Er, I mean Scabbers.
*Malfoy runs screaming with Crabbe and Goyle*
Hermione: Why did you just call your rat Ben?
Ron: Haven't you heard of the psycho rat called Ben who kills people with his rat henchmen?
Harry: Er, no.
Ron: Come on! The theme song was sung by Michael Jackson? Oh, forget it!
*Entrance to the Great Hall*
Harry: Big…
Malfoy: Like your hairy-
Harry: Shut up!
Professor McGonagall: Quiet everyone. Now, first-years will now be sorted into their houses. I will read from the list…
*later*
McGonagall: Potter, Harry. *gasp* Hehe, just kidding, I can't act surprised because I'm the strict teacher character!
*general whispering*
Harry: Here goes...
Hat: Hullo! I'm the Sorting Hat! Just wait a bit while I probe your mind and see what house you're in! *makes strange mind-probing noises*
Harry: Not Hufflepuff…NOT Hufflepuff…
Hat: Are you sure? You could be great there. Of course, it would be a great loss of dignity, but it's in your blood. Oh well, better be…GRYFFINDOR!
…
Wait, don't leave! I was clearing my throat!
Fred: Hey, how do you do? I'm Fred.
George: And I'm George. We're the Weasely Twins. And that's Percy over there. He's such a prig.
Harry: I know already. Ron told me.
Ron: Guess what guys! I'm in Gryffindor! And I think the Sorting Hat's caught a cold! He's making all these strange noises, like Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, and even Slytherin!
Harry: Actually, I think those are the names of the houses.
Ron: Oh. I see.
Harry: Ow! That teacher over there looked at me! And then my scar hurt! Who is that goth greaseball over there Fred?
Fred: Oh, that's Snape. He teaches potions. He also happens to hate you. Oh yeah, and he likes Draco. I think they're getting engaged in a couple of months.
Harry: That's so gross. Grease and Grease Junior. D'you think the ring'll stay on?
Fred: It was a joke, but you get the idea.
*Suddenly, Nearly Headless Nick appears*
Nick: Hullo. I'm Nearly Headless Nick. I'm a ghost.
Harry: Hullo.
Nick: There just so happens to be a ghost for each Hogwarts House. The Grey Lady, The Bloody Baron, and the Fat Friar.
Harry: They sound like some sort of drinks at a Wizard bar.
Hermione: *in an annoying voice* Nearly Headless? How can you be nearly headless?
Nick: Because whoever tried to behead me didn't quite make it. What a wimp. If it was me, I would've knocked his head right off with one blow, WHACK!
Fred: So as I was saying, would you like me to do a fly-by of the teachers while the others are getting sorted?
Harry: Sure. Why not.
Fred: Ok, the guy with the purple turban is Quirrel. He's the unsuspected axe murderer. The strange lady with the giant glasses looking into her teacup is Trelawney. The ghost is Binns. He didn't know when to quit teaching, and still doesn't. We like to call him the Cat, because he came back the very next day, we thought he was a goner, but he came back, he just couldn't stay away. The old guy digging into the lemon drops is the Headmaster Dumbledore. The evil dirty guy with the cat is the janitor Filch. The lady who looks like she's wearing a skunk on her head is Madam Hooch. And I think that's everyone except Hagrid, who is a high-school dropout who can only land a teaching job here.
Harry: Sounds like a pretty normal staff for any school.
Fred: So that's Hogwarts for you. The worst you have to do here is learn Latin and wave a wand around a bit, and then you get to rule the universe with phenomenal cosmic powers!
Harry: Huzzah!
Dumbledore: Excuse me. Settle down. I have some announcements to make.
*everyone quiets down*
Dumbledore: Firstly, the Forbidden Forest is, well, forbidden.
Harry: Well that was a big shock there.
Hermione: Harry! Shh!
Dumbledore: And Mr. Filch would like me to inform you that magic is prohibited in the corridors between classes.
Harry: How come?
Dumbledore: Because then everyone would be sprouting an umbrella from his side before they got to their next class! Supervision problems!
Harry: Fair enough.
Dumbledore: Of course, there's a curfew at 2 in the morning, because it's your fault if you don't remember anything in the next class!
Harry: I'm beginning to really like this school!
Dumbledore: Secondly, Hogwarts Idol starts in the third term, and lastly, the third corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds this year. That is all. Now let's eat!
*Food pops out of nowhere*
Ron: Albus my man, where did you get these golden dishes?
Dumbledore: Costco, of course! And while I was there, I picked up a Sirloin steak for dinner, Christmas decorations, the Lord of the Rings: The Two towers and a trombone.
Harry: He can't hear you sir. He's got his head stuck in a turkey.
Dumbledore: Well at least he's got a healthy appetite.
Harry: It's an appetite alright, but I sure as hell wouldn't call it healthy…
*later*
Percy: Hurry up! Come on then! Step lively! Let's go!
Ron: Ugh…I can't! Too bloated…to…move!
Harry: Who are you?
Percy: I'm Percy. Percy Weasely. I'm a prefect. And Ron's brother.
Harry: Oh yeah, you. Hey, what's a prefect?
Percy: Well…basically I tell on people when they break the rules.
Harry: Fair enough.
Percy: Oh yeah, and this is my darling girlfriend, Penelope.
*Penelope bats eyes*
Ron: Ewwwww… it's a good thing I'm too ugly to attract any fan girls.
Hermione: I second that!
Ron: Hey, look who's talking Bucky!
Harry: Maybe I really SHOULD gel my hair back.
Percy: Don't. I tried to spike mine, and now I have to wear this cone-shaped wizard's hat.
Ron: *snicker*
Percy + Harry: Shut up Ron!
Ron: Everyone's telling me to shut up. How am I ever going to say anything funny?
Percy: No time for a philosophical discussion Ron! Hurry up! Come on then! Step lively! Let's go!
Fat Lady: Password?
Percy: I am the ugliest thing to have ever lived.
Ron: That's for sure.
Percy: Shut up Ron!
Fat Lady: You may enter.
Percy: I swear somehow Malfoy changed the password!
Ron: Stupid Malfoy. Now hold on, was the password I am the ugliest thing to have ever lived-
*Fat Lady stares blankly*
Ron:…or could it be Shut up Ron?
Fat Lady: I said you may enter.
Ron: Why do you torture me like this? WHY??
Harry: Can we sleep yet? I want to go to bed early so that we can throw an all-nighter and do prank spells on the girls!
Ron. Yup! See you in the morning!
*2:00 in the morning*
Ron: Hey Harry, you asleep?
Harry: Yeah Ron, I'm asleep.
Ron: Oh…Hey Harry, what were your parents like?
Harry: Hey, how do you know my parents are dead?
Ron: Well, you happen to be famous, Harry. I read it in a book about you once.
Harry: Really? What was the name of the book?
Ron: Oh, it was Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.
Harry: Hmmm…I wonder what the Philosopher's Stone is. But as I was saying, I live with my horrid aunt and uncle. I would tell you all about them, except that you know all about them already. And besides, it's impossible to make them funnier than they already are.
Ron: Fair enough. Or whoever's writing this is being just plain lazy.
Naomi: You know it!
Harry: Well, I suppose since it's now one minute past curfew we should be getting to sleep.
Ron: Goodnight!
*5 minutes later*
Ron: Harry?
Harry: What Ron?
Ron: Come on Harry; just give me a general summary of your life. PLEASE!
Harry: That's possibly the strangest thing you've ever asked for Ron. Fine then.
So when I was a kid Voldemort came and blasted my parents away but somehow I survived and so I was carted off to my aunt and uncles by Hagrid, McGonagall and Dumbledore (who somehow managed to get a lemon drop stuck to my forehead). So then for the next eleven years I caused general mayhem in the Muggle world by scaring a lunch lady so that she drowned in her own salsa, causing the world's biggest lumber shortage with Hogwarts' acceptation letters and setting a snake loose from the zoo, who then lead the National Reptilian Rebels Front. Then Hagrid had to rescue me from my relatives, unlock more of my money than Bill Gates ever had, and then sent me here. Hogwarts. La Fin!
…
Ron?
Ron: Zzzzz….
*At the Great Hall the next morning*
*Owls begin swooping down with the mail*
Ron: Harry, you read Playwizard?
Harry: Hey, so do you. I saw about 20 copies in your luggage.
Ron: Wait a minute…I borrowed those from my dad!
Hermione: Yay! Cosmo's arrived!
Ron: Harry, look! Someone's broken into Gringotts! But the vault was emptied earlier that day!
Harry: Hey, that's the vault Hagrid and I were at!
Ron: Ooo, bad Harry!
Harry: I mean we were there earlier! Hey check it out; I have a letter from the Hagrid character!
Dear Harry,
I know you get Friday afternoons off, so would you like to come and have a cup of tea with me around three? I want to hear all about your first week. Send us an answer back with Hedwig.
Hagrid
Harry: You know, Hagrid writes in a very untidy scrawl.
Ron: Frankly, I'm surprised he's even literate.
Hermione: Well, looks like our times up! Time for our first flying lesson!
Harry: Joy…
*later*
Hooch: Welcome to today's flying lesson!
Harry: Flying lessons? I thought these brooms were for-
Hermione: Harry!
Harry: Er, sweeping.
Hooch: Now everyone put their hand over their broom and say up!
Everyone: UP!
Ron: It's not coming into my hand!
Hooch: With feeling now!
Ron: Up you f****** broom!
*The broom whacks Ron in the head*
Ron: No fair! It came in to your hand the first time, Harry!
Hooch: Okay everyone, let's try flying on the count of three. One…Two...Mr. Longbottom!
Hermione: Oh my god! Neville Longbottom…Madam Hooch…Everyone in this school has a weird name! Oh poor Neville! I think his arm's broken.
Harry: That was rather abrupt, wasn't it?
Hermione: I suppose.
Malfoy: Did you see his face, the lug? Maybe if he squeezed his Remembrall he would have remembered to fall on his fat arse!
Ron: *whispers* Harry, what's an arse?
Harry: Oh, it means butt in England.
Ron: Thanks!
Hermione: But Ron, we ARE in England.
Ron: So?
Harry: Give it back Malfoy!
Malfoy: Let me think about that for a minute. No. Come and get it, loser!
*Harry catches the Remembrall and flies down to the ground*
Harry: Go hump your broom, loser!
McGonagall: Harry Potter...come with me please!
Harry: Oh ****.
McGonagall: What did you say?
Harry: Um, I said yes, professor.
*later*
McGonagall: Harry, this is Oliver Wood, or Olivier Dubois in the French Version of this movie.
Oliver: Hi. I'm Oliver. Oliver Wood. I'm the psycho Quidditch captain. Is this all you wanted professor? Professor Quirrel was just demonstrating the docile habits of the Zeftokmonster.
*loud crunching noises*
Voice from room: Oh my God! It just ate Penelope!
McGonagall: Well actually, I want Harry to be your new seeker!
Oliver: Well, alright. Anything's better than Percy!
*later*
*The Grey Lady and Nearly Headless Nick fly overhead Ron and Harry as they walk towards Transfiguration class*
Nick: Have you heard? Harry's the new-
*BAM*
Harry: I can't stand this. I'm popular and still nobody wants to go out with me!
Ron: But you were popular to begin with! Oh well Harry, just give up and go out with Hermione.
Harry: Not yet Ron. I can't stoop that low just yet. I must wait until my reputation is completely destroyed.
Ron: My question is…how did you chuck a pineapple at a ghost and hit it?
Harry: I guess it was a ghost pineapple.
*Transfiguration Class*
*McGonagall turns to a map and a pocket watch in the corner*
McGonagall: Very funny Weasely and Potter. Now *snaps fingers so that they turn back*
Sit down and join the rest of us please.
Hermione: So what exactly is it that we do in this class miss?
McGonagall: We turn stuff into other stuff.
Hermione: And why exactly is this important?
McGonagall: Because of the opportunities for pranks and getting out of life-threatening situations. And the fact that it's cheaper to FedEx yourself across town then to drive there. So let's get started, shall we?
*Later in the hallways*
Harry: I don't get it. What in the name of heaven do we need to turn teacups into frogs for?
Ron: Beats me. I doubt anyone is suddenly going to jump out at you and scream 'HELP ME! I NEED A FROG RIGHT NOW!
*Ron pauses and looks around*
Ron: Exactly! See what I mean?
Hermione: Ugh…looks like we've got double Potions next.
Harry: But after lunch though. We should head over to Hagrid's hut…cabin…something.
*At Hagrid's Hut*
Hagrid: Hi. I'm Rubeus. Rubeus Hagrid. I'm the successful school dropout. I'm also half-giant, which means I'm a visible minority.
Harry: Hullo. Harry. Harry Potter.
Ron: Ron. Ron Weasely.
Hermione: Bucky. Er, I mean Hermione Granger.
Hagrid: So Harry, I wanted to show ya something special 'o mine.
Harry: Your pirate accent?
Hagrid: No. I have a dragon's egg!
Harry: Hey an egg! Cool!
Hermione: Hagrid, where did you get this?
Hagrid: Er, from a scary mysterious looking-dude at the Leaky Cauldron.
Ron: Cool. Mysterious evil dude. I approve!
Hermione: Look guys, it's hatching!
*The egg hatches, and a little baby dragon peeks out*
Hagrid: It's so…so…
Ron: Odd-looking. Like a wet black folded umbrella.
Harry: We'd better get back to class. We'll visit after school later Hagrid, ok?
Hermione: Hold on, I just realized we have the afternoon off for the first Quidditch match! Good luck Harry!
*later*
Lee: Aaaaaand welcome to Hogwartses first Quidditch match of the season! Replacing Percy Weasely in the position of seeker is Harry Potter, and in the place of the recently-deceased Penelope Clearwater is Valerie Hazlett, princess of Hogwarts! Here comes Madam Hooch onto the field!
Hooch: Now I want a nice, clean game from everyone! And I mean it this time Fred and George!
Fred: I didn't do it, for future reference.
*sometime later*
Lee: Oh no! What's happening to Harry? He seems to be having broom trouble!
Hermione: No, that's not right…look at Snape!
Ron: Why would I want to look at Snape?
Hermione: Because he's muttering under his breath!
Snape: Stupid boxers riding up on me, just got them dry-cleaned last week-
Hermione: He must be chanting a curse to put on Harry!
Ron: You know, Quirrel is saying stuff too…
Quirrel: I can't believe the price of gas these days…
Hermione: I don't think so.
Ron: Go burn Snape! Now!
Hermione: Okay!
*a few minutes later*
Hermione: I'm back!
Ron: Good, Harry's just swallowed the snitch! Go do the Heimlich maneuver!
Hermione: Why me?
Ron: D'you think I know it?!
*later*
Hermione: I'm back!
Ron: Good, they put out Snape's clothes! Go put them on fire again!
Hermione: I'm not your slave!
Harry: *cough* Hi guys, what's up?
Ron: The sky and we think that Snape is plotting your demise!
Harry: Well, no surprise there! Oh well, back to the dorm!
*later*
Harry: I think we took a wrong turn…
Hermione: Well duh!
Ron: Look! Mrs. Norris! Run!
Harry: Not before I give that stupid cat a good kick-
Hermione: NOT NOW!
Harry: Oh come on! Forget it!
Hermione: Here's a good place to hide-alohomora!
Harry: You can say that but you can't spell McGonagall properly?!
Hermione: Just get in!
Ron: Let me think about that for a second…face a three-headed dog…or Filch…I'll take the dog!
Hermione: Oh no you won't…RUN!
*11:00 at night. Harry, Ron and Hermione are having a secret conference in the common room*
Hermione: This is serious guys. Didn't you see what the three-headed dog was standing on?
Ron: My guess is that they were feet. Um…four of them.
Hermione: Ron, that's not funny anymore. It was standing on a trapdoor! It was guarding something!
Ron: The Very Untimely Death Dumbledore was talking about! *brrrr*
Harry: Hold on a minute Hermione, I think I know what it is. Ron told me he had read a book about me called Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. Maybe it's the Philosopher's Stone the dog's guarding. Hermione, why don't you go and find some books on the subject?
Hermione: Yay! Books!
*Hermione dashes off*
Ron: Harry, it's time for double potions. She's going to miss class.
Harry: I know.
Ron:
…
You're really sick, you know that Harry.
*Potions class*
*Ron is reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone*
Ron: so Snape is going to burst in here and make a ridiculous speech and then ask you irrelevant questions about goats.
Harry: I highly doubt that, Ron.
Snape: Unfortunately, he's right. Oh well, so much for that! So the recipe for a love potion is on the board. I'm giving you the whole two periods except Harry, who gets half the period because I have an unjustified grudge against him.
Harry: A love potion? Hmmm…
Snape: Time's up, Harry!
Harry: But professor-
Snape: Fifty points from Gryffindor!
Harry: But-
Snape: Ten points from Gryffindor!
Ron: Just shut up Harry! Here, I made extra!
Harry: Thanks Ron!
Hermione: *pant pant* you LOSERS! How could you do this to me! I'm late 3.912 seconds to class!
Snape: Then 3.912 points from Gryffindor!
Hermione: You can't do this to us! It's unprofessional of you! I'm telling!
Snape: Ugh, why must I always resort to such drastic and greasy measures?
*Snape throws Ron's love potion at Hermione, which shatters all over her*
Hermione: I…changed my mind professor. I've decided you're waaaay to sexy to tell on.
Malfoy: *gulps* No…dammit! You can take this right back Severus!
Snape: No! That ring cost a hundred dollars!
*Harry slowly looks at Ron*
Harry: Fred was right!
Ron: Just a second…
*flips through pages*
Ron: Yep, it was Fred.
Harry: We've got to end this madness! Is there an anti-love potion available?
Ron: Now hold on a minute. Who says we have to change her back?
Harry: Ron, I want to keep my options open. And besides, I'm not going to be doing all the important research about Nicholas Flamel. That's Hermione's job.
Ron: Let's wait until Halloween. It says in the book she'll be cured then.
Harry: Fine.
*Halloween in the Great Hall*
Harry: How is it that you can eat so much pumpkin pie and not barf, Ron?
Ron: I don't have a clue. Hey, I'm not complaining!
Fred: Hey Harry, any clue as to why we only have 400.808 points?
Harry: Well, um, you see…
BAM
Quirrel: TROLL! IN THE DUNGEONS! TROLL!
Harry: Aww, that's not very nice. I mean, we all hate Snape but that's no reason to call him names! Hey, where's Hermione?
Dumbledore: SILENCE!
*nobody stops screaming*
Dumbledore: *sigh*…SHUT THE **** UP!
*silence*
Dumbledore: It's a wonder I made it to the end to the second film! Now everyone, follow your prefects to your dormitories!
Harry: It's obvious what's happened, Ron.
Ron: No it isn't. Please continue.
Harry: I mean, obviously Hermione is going to get caught by the troll, and I have to save the day! C'mon then, let's sneak away from Percy…
*later*
Ron: Wait up Harry! I can't keep up!
Harry: I'll bet all that pumpkin pie's catching up on you, eh?
Ron: Just shut up Harry.
Hermione: AAAAAH!
Harry: Right on cue! Come on!
Ron: H-Harry…there's the troll!
Harry: Quick, to the girl's bathroom!
*Harry and Ron run into the bathroom and shut the door. Pounding can be heard from the other side. Harry looks at Ron.*
Harry: Doesn't it smell nice in here?
Ron: No kidding. Smells like lavender.
*A large mountain troll suddenly crashed through the door.*
Harry: Uh-oh.
Ron: That's why you should have paid attention to Professor Quirrel instead of staring at Hermione!
Harry: I couldn't help it! She had a zit on her nose the size of a grapefruit!
Hermione: *Ahem*
Harry: Er, sorry. It's gone now, though.
Ron: HARRY! THE TROLL!
Hermione: HE IS NOT A TROLL! SNAPE IS A KIND, UNDERSTANDING UNSELFISH MAN! Wait; hold on, there's a real troll here. Nevermind…
Harry: Oh yea, mountain troll…Um…winguardium leviosa!
Ron: Nice…his club is gone, so it'll use its fists!
Harry: Time to do something drastic....
*Harry jumps on the troll, making karate noises*
Ron: Ok, that's going a bit too far…but I think he likes it…or is it a she…honestly I mean you could have just stuck your wand up its nose!
Harry: Ahhh…that's what I was trying to do Ron.
Ron: Ok nevermind.
*Troll crashes to ground*
Hermione: My hero! Ok that was a bit over the top.
Harry: I suppose…
McGonagall: HARRY JAMES POTTER!
Harry: God, not again! Er, I mean yes professor?
McGonagall: What in the name of Christ are you doing on that mountain troll?
Quirrel: You could've died! Wait, that's a good thing, isn't it.
Harry: Killing it!
McGonagall: Well, you shouldn't have left your house. 50 points deducted for your severe disregard of rules…but 100 points for your technique!
*After school at Hagrid's*
Hermione: Hagrid, you really have to do something about that dragon. It's bigger than your dog, and that's saying something.
Hagrid: Well, what do you suggest I do?
Ron: My brother Charlie-
Harry: Another? Just how many Weaselys are there?
Ron: Twenty-seven. Just kidding, there are um…one two…three…four five six…seven eight Weaselys. Or is the term Weaslies?
Hermione: Nevermind that. What was it you were saying about your brother Charlie?
Ron: Oh yeah. What I was saying is that Charlie's actually in the black market for dragons. If anyone knows how to smuggle out a dragon, it's him.
Harry: So call him up already and we can get this think out of here!
Hermione: I thought you said he only works with dragons, that he studied them.
Ron: He does! Okay, can I borrow you phellcone Hermione?
Hermione: Er, it's called a cell phone. Maybe I should call up your brother. What's the number?
Ron: 1-800-5-RED-HOT. Or you could try 1-800-WE-SMOKE-
Hermione: Its okay, I got their answering machine. This is toll-free, right?
Ron: I think so.
Hermione: Hello, this is Hermione Granger, calling for Charlie Weasely. I just wanted to let you know that my…um…uncle has a Norwegian Ridgeback, just hatched for free if you ship him and handle him. You can contact me at Hogwarts through the mail. Bye!
Hagrid: Oh well, at least I'll still have Fluffy to keep me company.
Harry: Is Fluffy by chance a giant three-headed dog?
Hagrid: Oh yeah, that's him alright. Beauty. Wait, how do you know about Fluffy?
Hermione: We sort of ran into him the other day.
Ron: Some of us literally. *winces*
Harry: What's he guarding anyways? The Philosopher's Stone?
Hermione: Of course it's not Harry. Do you honestly think that the answer would be that obvious?
Hagrid: Well, he's right Hermione. It's the Philosopher's Stone.
Hermione: Dammit, I really should be used to being wrong by now.
Ron: No kidding.
Hermione: Shut UP Ron!
Ron: Take off!
Hagrid: QUIET!
Hermione: Sorry. But the question is, why does Snape want the Philosopher's Stone?
Ron: Oh I don't know, maybe so he can LIVE FOREVER!
Harry: Stop it the both of you! We have to stop Snape. Hagrid, we need to know everything we can about Fluffy!
Hagrid: Well, you see, all you have to do is play music and Fluffy will instantly go to sleep.
Hermione: Well, I can sing, if you like. Want a demonstration?
Harry: NO! I mean, that's alright Hermione. We can wait for Hogwarts Idol.
Ron: I can tap dance.
Harry: That won't work. How about I play bagpipes!
Ron: If that's all we've got, then it's ok with me! Just get me some earplugs, please!
Harry: Okay, now that that's over with, let's go to bed and get some rest. After all, tomorrow's Christmas!
Ron: We just had Halloween stupid. It can't be Christmas.
*Later, at Christmas*
Ron: Harry, wake up! It's Christmas!
Harry: Oh, is it really: I didn't notice all the festive decorations hanging around. Not to mention the Christmas tree in the common room. Well, let's go downstairs then!
*Downstairs*
Hermione: Ok, which smart guy bought me the thong?
Harry: Hmmm…what's this?
Ron: Holy cheese Harry! It's an invisibility cloak!
Harry: Really? Where? I can't see it! Pahahahahaha!
Hermione: Very funny Harry.
Ron: Well anyways, if you wear it, you turn invisible!
*Harry puts his cloak over his head, and drapes it over his body*
Harry: Can you see me? Does this make my butt look big?
Hermione: Nope. You're totally invisible.
Harry: This is so cool! I can do anything under here!
Hermione: I don't want to think about that to much…
*Suddenly, Hermione is jerked into the cloak*
Hermione: HARRY! Stop that right now!
Harry: Aww, you're no fun.
*Later that day*
*At night, Harry is roaming the hallways, making his own sound effects.*
Harry: Duuuuun Duuuuun Duuuuun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun…mwahahaha! I am Darth Vader! Hoooo-peeeh. Hooooo-peeeh (those were Darth Vader breathing noises by the way) I will now activate my lightsaber…Pshoooooowwwwooooowwwwooo…. Woah, is that Hermione kissing thin air in the middle of the night? I guess I can take my cloak off now…
*Harry takes off his cloak to discover that there's a mirror in the empty room he's standing in. It not only reflects him, but also Hermione, who is kissing him madly*
Harry: Score!
Dumbledore: I see you have found the mirror of Erised, which of course is Desire spelled backwards. The mirror will only show a persons' deepest, most desperate desire of their hearts. What do you see, Harry?
Harry: *Obviously making it up* Erm, I see myself, erm, acne-free and taller.
Dumbledore: Fascinating. I see myself getting an X-Box or a Game Cube for Christmas. People always insist on getting me books or socks.
Harry: I know what you mean.
Dumbledore: Well, you'd best be going off to bed now. You do know we have a curfew here at Hogwarts.
Harry: What? We do?
Dumbledore: Yes. Now go.
*Harry starts to leave*
Dumbledore: Oh, and Harry…
Harry: Yes sir?
Dumbledore: Be careful when you rescue the Philosopher's Stone.
Harry: I will, sir.
*Back at the guy's dorm*
Harry: Ron! Ron! Ron!
Ron: What! What! What!
Harry: I just saw the greatest thing ever! Come with me! We can both go under the invisibility cloak!
Ron: Oh no, Harry, I'm not falling for that this time.
Harry: I'm serious Ron. There actually is something I want to show you.
Ron: Okay…
*At the mirror of Erised*
Ron: Oh, check it out! I can see myself!
Harry: Yes, Ron, it's a mirror. Now look closer…what do you see?
Ron: I see…FOOD! Lots and lots of FOOD!
Harry: Maybe bringing you here wasn't such a good idea. Hey-Ron! Stop licking the mirror!
Ron: Oh. It's only a mirror. What do you see, Harry?
Harry: Um… I see…
*Footsteps and voices can be heard from a distance*
Harry: Quick! It's Snape! Run for it!
*Some time later, inside a statue of armor*
Ron: So what do we do now?
Harry: Let's sneak back to the common room and pick up Hermione. Then we can go for the Stone tonight.
Ron: Why so soon?
Nomi: Because I'm bloody sick and tired of this damn story!
Ron: Oh. Okay.
Harry: Ok, let's go!
*Later, in front of the door leading to Fluffy*
Hermione: Bagpipes?
Harry: Check.
Hermione: Surplus rations?
Ron: Check.
Hermione: Let's do it. Alohomora!
*They all quietly except Harry walk in*
Hermione: Okay, me first. Harry, when it's your turn, you can leave the bagpipes.
Harry: But Fluffy will mangle them! Oops! *keeps playing*
Hermione: Exactly Harry. That's a good thing.
*Hermione, then Ron, then Harry go down the trapdoor*
Harry: Stop touching me!
Ron: You stop touching me!
Harry: I wasn't touching you!
Hermione: Harry, stop touching me!
Harry: I'm not touching you. You're touching me!
Hermione: You idiots, it's the plant! It's trying to strangle us! RUN!
*They run.*
Harry: 1 down, er, something to go.
Ron: Good thing I brought my copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. Harry, you have to climb up on that broom, and catch the disabled key.
Harry: The disabled key?
Ron: The one with the deformed wing.
Harry: Sure thing.
*later*
Harry: Got it. Here, Hermione. Hey Ron, can I ask you something?
Ron: About what?
Harry: About your book. Will I win or not?
Ron: I can't tell you. That would be paradox.
Harry: Paradox? Okay, whatever, I'll just find out on my own.
Ron: Come on Harry, use logic. You're the main character. You can't die, or lose!
Harry: Really! Score!
Hermione: Come ON! We have to play giant chess to get to the other side of the next room!
Ron: Hey, something I'm good at!
Harry: Besides eating you mean.
*They play chess blah blah blah and win blah blah blah but Ron gets concussion blah blah blah. Honestly, normally I would be less lazy, but chess is just SO boring!*
*Meanwhile, in the potions room*
Hermione: According to this book, you have to drink the black potion and go through the black flames. I have to drink the blue potion and go back to Ron.
Harry: I hope you're right. I don't want to be poisoned.
Hermione: Harry, would I ever poison you?
Harry: Well, I would.
Hermione: What?
Harry: Er, I said of course I wouldn't.
Hermione: Good. Now, before you go…
Harry: You are NOT going to kiss me.
Hermione: FINE! *Stomps off through the flames*
Harry: Well, here goes nothing…at least I know I can't die.
*Harry Steps through the flames into a big round room with the mirror at the centre.*
Harry: QUIRREL?!? Why are YOU here? Oh yeah, you're the unsuspected villain, right?
Quirrel: That's right. Snape, on the other hand, merely has an unexplainable grudge against you, but he can't kill you. You're the main character!
Harry: Doesn't that stop you from killing me too?
Quirrel: Well-damn!
Harry: So why don't we just get it over with and let me kill you?
Quirrel: Now normally I would let you do just that, except there's the small problem of Lord Voldemort living on the back of my head. We can't kill him! Otherwise there would be no point in continuing this series!
Harry: Well, there's just GOT to be a loophole somehow. Wait! I know! Voldemort can't die, and I can't die, so how about I just kill you, Voldemort's soul escapes, and you give me a concussion so it looks like I battled heroically with you.
Quirrel: Sounds like a plan to me!
Harry: God I love it when I get my way.
*Later in the hospital wing*
Ron: Harry, are you alright? We though you DIED!
Hermione: Oh, Harry! *sob*
Harry: Oh come on, you know I can't die.
Ron: Well, I was reading a book called Total Recall. The main character gets lobotomized, which is essentially getting killed. Um, in Gladiator, Maximus dies…In Star Trek: The Motion Picture, TWO main characters die, Ilia and Commander Decker…and on the subject of Star Trek, in Star Trek Generations, Captain Kirk dies!
Harry: But Ron, this is a children's book!
Ron: Star Wars is for children, and Anakin Skywalker dies…
Harry: So what you're saying is that I actually could have died?
Hermione: I'm afraid so.
Dumbledore: As usual, Hermione, you're wrong. Harry has protection that seldom heroes have these days. He has his mother's love.
Ron: Dumbledore, you're such an old softie. Mother's love? Give me a break.
Dumbledore: No seriously!
Harry: Well that's pretty cool. So have I been out cold until the last day of school?
Dumbledore: Unsurprisingly, yes.
*The Great Hall*
Dumbledore: Well, it's been a hellova year as usual. And when I am finished giving out the house cup, you are all welcome to run to the doors and leave Hogwarts for this year! And the winner, by 0.808 points, is GRYFFINDOR!
*Explosion of cheering*
Slytherins: Aww…
Malfoy: *sniff* This was the worst *sniff* year ever…
The End
Chapter 1: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Scene: Harry and Ron are sitting down together on the Hogwarts Express.
Ron: Hullo. I'm Ron Weasely. And you are...?
Harry: Harry. Harry Potter.
Ron: 'Arry Pottah? Are you really?
Harry: Well, I do happen to have a scar shaped like lightning on my forehead.
Ron: I'll bet it's from that time when the portal to platform 9 and ¾ was broken. Hah! My brother Percy ran straight into it. Too bad he was too ugly in the first place to get any uglier.
Harry: Who's Percy?
Ron: My annoying older brother. He's a prig, and only appears in two chapters of the book, so feel free to ignore him. So anyways, who gave you the scar?
Harry: Er, actually it was from the dark wizard Voldemort.
Ron: Oh, Voldemort. That's cool. Hey, you hungry?
Harry: Not really.
Ron: Great! Let's order some food!
Harry: I said-
Ron: OY! TROLLEY-WITCH!
Trolley-Witch: WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT THIS TIME?!?!
Harry: We'll take the lot!
Ron: Why?
Harry: Anything to get you to shut up!
*later*
Ron: Mmph *crunch* mmm…
Hermione: Um, excuse me, but has anyone seen a toad?
*Ron looks down at his stomach in a fearful way*
Harry: No. And there are only two of us here, so we hardly qualify as 'anyone'. More like 'you two'.
Hermione: Well EXCUSE me!
Ron: Nmph!
Hermione: Oh, and by the way, I'm Hermione Granger. I'm also the only girl at Hogwarts who looks like a beaver.
Harry: Oh. Hi Hermione. I'm Harry. Harry Potter.
Hermione: Holy cricket! Do you have the scar?! Can I see it? Can I? Can I? Can I?
Harry: *sigh*. Maybe I should just gel back my hair or something. Then everyone would see it and not ask.
Hermione: Okay, okay, I trust you!
Ron: *AHEM* I'm Ron. Ron Weasely. I'm a Weasely brother.
Harry: As opposed to what? A Weasely sister? Well actually-
Hermione: ER, hullo. Wait a second…Woah, doesn't it bother you that we all have the most ridiculous names?
Ron: I suppose…hey!
Harry: She has a point. My name can be easily abused!
Malfoy: Well well well, what do we have here? Ronald McDonald, Um…Hermione
Granger-
Crabbe and Goyle: *snicker*
Malfoy:-And Harry Anus!
Ron: *snicker*
Harry: Shut up Ron! That wasn't funny in the least. Now, whoever you are, stop calling us names or I'll shove my wand up your-
Hermione: Harry!
Harry: But they deserve it!
Ron: * snicker*
Malfoy, Harry + Hermione: Shut up Ron!
Malfoy: I'm Draco. Draco Malfoy. I'm the bad guy. C'mon, hand over the candy NOW!
Ron: NEVER!
Malfoy: Well, I'll just have to take it from you…OW!
Ron: GET 'EM, BEN! Er, I mean Scabbers.
*Malfoy runs screaming with Crabbe and Goyle*
Hermione: Why did you just call your rat Ben?
Ron: Haven't you heard of the psycho rat called Ben who kills people with his rat henchmen?
Harry: Er, no.
Ron: Come on! The theme song was sung by Michael Jackson? Oh, forget it!
*Entrance to the Great Hall*
Harry: Big…
Malfoy: Like your hairy-
Harry: Shut up!
Professor McGonagall: Quiet everyone. Now, first-years will now be sorted into their houses. I will read from the list…
*later*
McGonagall: Potter, Harry. *gasp* Hehe, just kidding, I can't act surprised because I'm the strict teacher character!
*general whispering*
Harry: Here goes...
Hat: Hullo! I'm the Sorting Hat! Just wait a bit while I probe your mind and see what house you're in! *makes strange mind-probing noises*
Harry: Not Hufflepuff…NOT Hufflepuff…
Hat: Are you sure? You could be great there. Of course, it would be a great loss of dignity, but it's in your blood. Oh well, better be…GRYFFINDOR!
…
Wait, don't leave! I was clearing my throat!
Fred: Hey, how do you do? I'm Fred.
George: And I'm George. We're the Weasely Twins. And that's Percy over there. He's such a prig.
Harry: I know already. Ron told me.
Ron: Guess what guys! I'm in Gryffindor! And I think the Sorting Hat's caught a cold! He's making all these strange noises, like Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, and even Slytherin!
Harry: Actually, I think those are the names of the houses.
Ron: Oh. I see.
Harry: Ow! That teacher over there looked at me! And then my scar hurt! Who is that goth greaseball over there Fred?
Fred: Oh, that's Snape. He teaches potions. He also happens to hate you. Oh yeah, and he likes Draco. I think they're getting engaged in a couple of months.
Harry: That's so gross. Grease and Grease Junior. D'you think the ring'll stay on?
Fred: It was a joke, but you get the idea.
*Suddenly, Nearly Headless Nick appears*
Nick: Hullo. I'm Nearly Headless Nick. I'm a ghost.
Harry: Hullo.
Nick: There just so happens to be a ghost for each Hogwarts House. The Grey Lady, The Bloody Baron, and the Fat Friar.
Harry: They sound like some sort of drinks at a Wizard bar.
Hermione: *in an annoying voice* Nearly Headless? How can you be nearly headless?
Nick: Because whoever tried to behead me didn't quite make it. What a wimp. If it was me, I would've knocked his head right off with one blow, WHACK!
Fred: So as I was saying, would you like me to do a fly-by of the teachers while the others are getting sorted?
Harry: Sure. Why not.
Fred: Ok, the guy with the purple turban is Quirrel. He's the unsuspected axe murderer. The strange lady with the giant glasses looking into her teacup is Trelawney. The ghost is Binns. He didn't know when to quit teaching, and still doesn't. We like to call him the Cat, because he came back the very next day, we thought he was a goner, but he came back, he just couldn't stay away. The old guy digging into the lemon drops is the Headmaster Dumbledore. The evil dirty guy with the cat is the janitor Filch. The lady who looks like she's wearing a skunk on her head is Madam Hooch. And I think that's everyone except Hagrid, who is a high-school dropout who can only land a teaching job here.
Harry: Sounds like a pretty normal staff for any school.
Fred: So that's Hogwarts for you. The worst you have to do here is learn Latin and wave a wand around a bit, and then you get to rule the universe with phenomenal cosmic powers!
Harry: Huzzah!
Dumbledore: Excuse me. Settle down. I have some announcements to make.
*everyone quiets down*
Dumbledore: Firstly, the Forbidden Forest is, well, forbidden.
Harry: Well that was a big shock there.
Hermione: Harry! Shh!
Dumbledore: And Mr. Filch would like me to inform you that magic is prohibited in the corridors between classes.
Harry: How come?
Dumbledore: Because then everyone would be sprouting an umbrella from his side before they got to their next class! Supervision problems!
Harry: Fair enough.
Dumbledore: Of course, there's a curfew at 2 in the morning, because it's your fault if you don't remember anything in the next class!
Harry: I'm beginning to really like this school!
Dumbledore: Secondly, Hogwarts Idol starts in the third term, and lastly, the third corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds this year. That is all. Now let's eat!
*Food pops out of nowhere*
Ron: Albus my man, where did you get these golden dishes?
Dumbledore: Costco, of course! And while I was there, I picked up a Sirloin steak for dinner, Christmas decorations, the Lord of the Rings: The Two towers and a trombone.
Harry: He can't hear you sir. He's got his head stuck in a turkey.
Dumbledore: Well at least he's got a healthy appetite.
Harry: It's an appetite alright, but I sure as hell wouldn't call it healthy…
*later*
Percy: Hurry up! Come on then! Step lively! Let's go!
Ron: Ugh…I can't! Too bloated…to…move!
Harry: Who are you?
Percy: I'm Percy. Percy Weasely. I'm a prefect. And Ron's brother.
Harry: Oh yeah, you. Hey, what's a prefect?
Percy: Well…basically I tell on people when they break the rules.
Harry: Fair enough.
Percy: Oh yeah, and this is my darling girlfriend, Penelope.
*Penelope bats eyes*
Ron: Ewwwww… it's a good thing I'm too ugly to attract any fan girls.
Hermione: I second that!
Ron: Hey, look who's talking Bucky!
Harry: Maybe I really SHOULD gel my hair back.
Percy: Don't. I tried to spike mine, and now I have to wear this cone-shaped wizard's hat.
Ron: *snicker*
Percy + Harry: Shut up Ron!
Ron: Everyone's telling me to shut up. How am I ever going to say anything funny?
Percy: No time for a philosophical discussion Ron! Hurry up! Come on then! Step lively! Let's go!
Fat Lady: Password?
Percy: I am the ugliest thing to have ever lived.
Ron: That's for sure.
Percy: Shut up Ron!
Fat Lady: You may enter.
Percy: I swear somehow Malfoy changed the password!
Ron: Stupid Malfoy. Now hold on, was the password I am the ugliest thing to have ever lived-
*Fat Lady stares blankly*
Ron:…or could it be Shut up Ron?
Fat Lady: I said you may enter.
Ron: Why do you torture me like this? WHY??
Harry: Can we sleep yet? I want to go to bed early so that we can throw an all-nighter and do prank spells on the girls!
Ron. Yup! See you in the morning!
*2:00 in the morning*
Ron: Hey Harry, you asleep?
Harry: Yeah Ron, I'm asleep.
Ron: Oh…Hey Harry, what were your parents like?
Harry: Hey, how do you know my parents are dead?
Ron: Well, you happen to be famous, Harry. I read it in a book about you once.
Harry: Really? What was the name of the book?
Ron: Oh, it was Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.
Harry: Hmmm…I wonder what the Philosopher's Stone is. But as I was saying, I live with my horrid aunt and uncle. I would tell you all about them, except that you know all about them already. And besides, it's impossible to make them funnier than they already are.
Ron: Fair enough. Or whoever's writing this is being just plain lazy.
Naomi: You know it!
Harry: Well, I suppose since it's now one minute past curfew we should be getting to sleep.
Ron: Goodnight!
*5 minutes later*
Ron: Harry?
Harry: What Ron?
Ron: Come on Harry; just give me a general summary of your life. PLEASE!
Harry: That's possibly the strangest thing you've ever asked for Ron. Fine then.
So when I was a kid Voldemort came and blasted my parents away but somehow I survived and so I was carted off to my aunt and uncles by Hagrid, McGonagall and Dumbledore (who somehow managed to get a lemon drop stuck to my forehead). So then for the next eleven years I caused general mayhem in the Muggle world by scaring a lunch lady so that she drowned in her own salsa, causing the world's biggest lumber shortage with Hogwarts' acceptation letters and setting a snake loose from the zoo, who then lead the National Reptilian Rebels Front. Then Hagrid had to rescue me from my relatives, unlock more of my money than Bill Gates ever had, and then sent me here. Hogwarts. La Fin!
…
Ron?
Ron: Zzzzz….
*At the Great Hall the next morning*
*Owls begin swooping down with the mail*
Ron: Harry, you read Playwizard?
Harry: Hey, so do you. I saw about 20 copies in your luggage.
Ron: Wait a minute…I borrowed those from my dad!
Hermione: Yay! Cosmo's arrived!
Ron: Harry, look! Someone's broken into Gringotts! But the vault was emptied earlier that day!
Harry: Hey, that's the vault Hagrid and I were at!
Ron: Ooo, bad Harry!
Harry: I mean we were there earlier! Hey check it out; I have a letter from the Hagrid character!
Dear Harry,
I know you get Friday afternoons off, so would you like to come and have a cup of tea with me around three? I want to hear all about your first week. Send us an answer back with Hedwig.
Hagrid
Harry: You know, Hagrid writes in a very untidy scrawl.
Ron: Frankly, I'm surprised he's even literate.
Hermione: Well, looks like our times up! Time for our first flying lesson!
Harry: Joy…
*later*
Hooch: Welcome to today's flying lesson!
Harry: Flying lessons? I thought these brooms were for-
Hermione: Harry!
Harry: Er, sweeping.
Hooch: Now everyone put their hand over their broom and say up!
Everyone: UP!
Ron: It's not coming into my hand!
Hooch: With feeling now!
Ron: Up you f****** broom!
*The broom whacks Ron in the head*
Ron: No fair! It came in to your hand the first time, Harry!
Hooch: Okay everyone, let's try flying on the count of three. One…Two...Mr. Longbottom!
Hermione: Oh my god! Neville Longbottom…Madam Hooch…Everyone in this school has a weird name! Oh poor Neville! I think his arm's broken.
Harry: That was rather abrupt, wasn't it?
Hermione: I suppose.
Malfoy: Did you see his face, the lug? Maybe if he squeezed his Remembrall he would have remembered to fall on his fat arse!
Ron: *whispers* Harry, what's an arse?
Harry: Oh, it means butt in England.
Ron: Thanks!
Hermione: But Ron, we ARE in England.
Ron: So?
Harry: Give it back Malfoy!
Malfoy: Let me think about that for a minute. No. Come and get it, loser!
*Harry catches the Remembrall and flies down to the ground*
Harry: Go hump your broom, loser!
McGonagall: Harry Potter...come with me please!
Harry: Oh ****.
McGonagall: What did you say?
Harry: Um, I said yes, professor.
*later*
McGonagall: Harry, this is Oliver Wood, or Olivier Dubois in the French Version of this movie.
Oliver: Hi. I'm Oliver. Oliver Wood. I'm the psycho Quidditch captain. Is this all you wanted professor? Professor Quirrel was just demonstrating the docile habits of the Zeftokmonster.
*loud crunching noises*
Voice from room: Oh my God! It just ate Penelope!
McGonagall: Well actually, I want Harry to be your new seeker!
Oliver: Well, alright. Anything's better than Percy!
*later*
*The Grey Lady and Nearly Headless Nick fly overhead Ron and Harry as they walk towards Transfiguration class*
Nick: Have you heard? Harry's the new-
*BAM*
Harry: I can't stand this. I'm popular and still nobody wants to go out with me!
Ron: But you were popular to begin with! Oh well Harry, just give up and go out with Hermione.
Harry: Not yet Ron. I can't stoop that low just yet. I must wait until my reputation is completely destroyed.
Ron: My question is…how did you chuck a pineapple at a ghost and hit it?
Harry: I guess it was a ghost pineapple.
*Transfiguration Class*
*McGonagall turns to a map and a pocket watch in the corner*
McGonagall: Very funny Weasely and Potter. Now *snaps fingers so that they turn back*
Sit down and join the rest of us please.
Hermione: So what exactly is it that we do in this class miss?
McGonagall: We turn stuff into other stuff.
Hermione: And why exactly is this important?
McGonagall: Because of the opportunities for pranks and getting out of life-threatening situations. And the fact that it's cheaper to FedEx yourself across town then to drive there. So let's get started, shall we?
*Later in the hallways*
Harry: I don't get it. What in the name of heaven do we need to turn teacups into frogs for?
Ron: Beats me. I doubt anyone is suddenly going to jump out at you and scream 'HELP ME! I NEED A FROG RIGHT NOW!
*Ron pauses and looks around*
Ron: Exactly! See what I mean?
Hermione: Ugh…looks like we've got double Potions next.
Harry: But after lunch though. We should head over to Hagrid's hut…cabin…something.
*At Hagrid's Hut*
Hagrid: Hi. I'm Rubeus. Rubeus Hagrid. I'm the successful school dropout. I'm also half-giant, which means I'm a visible minority.
Harry: Hullo. Harry. Harry Potter.
Ron: Ron. Ron Weasely.
Hermione: Bucky. Er, I mean Hermione Granger.
Hagrid: So Harry, I wanted to show ya something special 'o mine.
Harry: Your pirate accent?
Hagrid: No. I have a dragon's egg!
Harry: Hey an egg! Cool!
Hermione: Hagrid, where did you get this?
Hagrid: Er, from a scary mysterious looking-dude at the Leaky Cauldron.
Ron: Cool. Mysterious evil dude. I approve!
Hermione: Look guys, it's hatching!
*The egg hatches, and a little baby dragon peeks out*
Hagrid: It's so…so…
Ron: Odd-looking. Like a wet black folded umbrella.
Harry: We'd better get back to class. We'll visit after school later Hagrid, ok?
Hermione: Hold on, I just realized we have the afternoon off for the first Quidditch match! Good luck Harry!
*later*
Lee: Aaaaaand welcome to Hogwartses first Quidditch match of the season! Replacing Percy Weasely in the position of seeker is Harry Potter, and in the place of the recently-deceased Penelope Clearwater is Valerie Hazlett, princess of Hogwarts! Here comes Madam Hooch onto the field!
Hooch: Now I want a nice, clean game from everyone! And I mean it this time Fred and George!
Fred: I didn't do it, for future reference.
*sometime later*
Lee: Oh no! What's happening to Harry? He seems to be having broom trouble!
Hermione: No, that's not right…look at Snape!
Ron: Why would I want to look at Snape?
Hermione: Because he's muttering under his breath!
Snape: Stupid boxers riding up on me, just got them dry-cleaned last week-
Hermione: He must be chanting a curse to put on Harry!
Ron: You know, Quirrel is saying stuff too…
Quirrel: I can't believe the price of gas these days…
Hermione: I don't think so.
Ron: Go burn Snape! Now!
Hermione: Okay!
*a few minutes later*
Hermione: I'm back!
Ron: Good, Harry's just swallowed the snitch! Go do the Heimlich maneuver!
Hermione: Why me?
Ron: D'you think I know it?!
*later*
Hermione: I'm back!
Ron: Good, they put out Snape's clothes! Go put them on fire again!
Hermione: I'm not your slave!
Harry: *cough* Hi guys, what's up?
Ron: The sky and we think that Snape is plotting your demise!
Harry: Well, no surprise there! Oh well, back to the dorm!
*later*
Harry: I think we took a wrong turn…
Hermione: Well duh!
Ron: Look! Mrs. Norris! Run!
Harry: Not before I give that stupid cat a good kick-
Hermione: NOT NOW!
Harry: Oh come on! Forget it!
Hermione: Here's a good place to hide-alohomora!
Harry: You can say that but you can't spell McGonagall properly?!
Hermione: Just get in!
Ron: Let me think about that for a second…face a three-headed dog…or Filch…I'll take the dog!
Hermione: Oh no you won't…RUN!
*11:00 at night. Harry, Ron and Hermione are having a secret conference in the common room*
Hermione: This is serious guys. Didn't you see what the three-headed dog was standing on?
Ron: My guess is that they were feet. Um…four of them.
Hermione: Ron, that's not funny anymore. It was standing on a trapdoor! It was guarding something!
Ron: The Very Untimely Death Dumbledore was talking about! *brrrr*
Harry: Hold on a minute Hermione, I think I know what it is. Ron told me he had read a book about me called Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. Maybe it's the Philosopher's Stone the dog's guarding. Hermione, why don't you go and find some books on the subject?
Hermione: Yay! Books!
*Hermione dashes off*
Ron: Harry, it's time for double potions. She's going to miss class.
Harry: I know.
Ron:
…
You're really sick, you know that Harry.
*Potions class*
*Ron is reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone*
Ron: so Snape is going to burst in here and make a ridiculous speech and then ask you irrelevant questions about goats.
Harry: I highly doubt that, Ron.
Snape: Unfortunately, he's right. Oh well, so much for that! So the recipe for a love potion is on the board. I'm giving you the whole two periods except Harry, who gets half the period because I have an unjustified grudge against him.
Harry: A love potion? Hmmm…
Snape: Time's up, Harry!
Harry: But professor-
Snape: Fifty points from Gryffindor!
Harry: But-
Snape: Ten points from Gryffindor!
Ron: Just shut up Harry! Here, I made extra!
Harry: Thanks Ron!
Hermione: *pant pant* you LOSERS! How could you do this to me! I'm late 3.912 seconds to class!
Snape: Then 3.912 points from Gryffindor!
Hermione: You can't do this to us! It's unprofessional of you! I'm telling!
Snape: Ugh, why must I always resort to such drastic and greasy measures?
*Snape throws Ron's love potion at Hermione, which shatters all over her*
Hermione: I…changed my mind professor. I've decided you're waaaay to sexy to tell on.
Malfoy: *gulps* No…dammit! You can take this right back Severus!
Snape: No! That ring cost a hundred dollars!
*Harry slowly looks at Ron*
Harry: Fred was right!
Ron: Just a second…
*flips through pages*
Ron: Yep, it was Fred.
Harry: We've got to end this madness! Is there an anti-love potion available?
Ron: Now hold on a minute. Who says we have to change her back?
Harry: Ron, I want to keep my options open. And besides, I'm not going to be doing all the important research about Nicholas Flamel. That's Hermione's job.
Ron: Let's wait until Halloween. It says in the book she'll be cured then.
Harry: Fine.
*Halloween in the Great Hall*
Harry: How is it that you can eat so much pumpkin pie and not barf, Ron?
Ron: I don't have a clue. Hey, I'm not complaining!
Fred: Hey Harry, any clue as to why we only have 400.808 points?
Harry: Well, um, you see…
BAM
Quirrel: TROLL! IN THE DUNGEONS! TROLL!
Harry: Aww, that's not very nice. I mean, we all hate Snape but that's no reason to call him names! Hey, where's Hermione?
Dumbledore: SILENCE!
*nobody stops screaming*
Dumbledore: *sigh*…SHUT THE **** UP!
*silence*
Dumbledore: It's a wonder I made it to the end to the second film! Now everyone, follow your prefects to your dormitories!
Harry: It's obvious what's happened, Ron.
Ron: No it isn't. Please continue.
Harry: I mean, obviously Hermione is going to get caught by the troll, and I have to save the day! C'mon then, let's sneak away from Percy…
*later*
Ron: Wait up Harry! I can't keep up!
Harry: I'll bet all that pumpkin pie's catching up on you, eh?
Ron: Just shut up Harry.
Hermione: AAAAAH!
Harry: Right on cue! Come on!
Ron: H-Harry…there's the troll!
Harry: Quick, to the girl's bathroom!
*Harry and Ron run into the bathroom and shut the door. Pounding can be heard from the other side. Harry looks at Ron.*
Harry: Doesn't it smell nice in here?
Ron: No kidding. Smells like lavender.
*A large mountain troll suddenly crashed through the door.*
Harry: Uh-oh.
Ron: That's why you should have paid attention to Professor Quirrel instead of staring at Hermione!
Harry: I couldn't help it! She had a zit on her nose the size of a grapefruit!
Hermione: *Ahem*
Harry: Er, sorry. It's gone now, though.
Ron: HARRY! THE TROLL!
Hermione: HE IS NOT A TROLL! SNAPE IS A KIND, UNDERSTANDING UNSELFISH MAN! Wait; hold on, there's a real troll here. Nevermind…
Harry: Oh yea, mountain troll…Um…winguardium leviosa!
Ron: Nice…his club is gone, so it'll use its fists!
Harry: Time to do something drastic....
*Harry jumps on the troll, making karate noises*
Ron: Ok, that's going a bit too far…but I think he likes it…or is it a she…honestly I mean you could have just stuck your wand up its nose!
Harry: Ahhh…that's what I was trying to do Ron.
Ron: Ok nevermind.
*Troll crashes to ground*
Hermione: My hero! Ok that was a bit over the top.
Harry: I suppose…
McGonagall: HARRY JAMES POTTER!
Harry: God, not again! Er, I mean yes professor?
McGonagall: What in the name of Christ are you doing on that mountain troll?
Quirrel: You could've died! Wait, that's a good thing, isn't it.
Harry: Killing it!
McGonagall: Well, you shouldn't have left your house. 50 points deducted for your severe disregard of rules…but 100 points for your technique!
*After school at Hagrid's*
Hermione: Hagrid, you really have to do something about that dragon. It's bigger than your dog, and that's saying something.
Hagrid: Well, what do you suggest I do?
Ron: My brother Charlie-
Harry: Another? Just how many Weaselys are there?
Ron: Twenty-seven. Just kidding, there are um…one two…three…four five six…seven eight Weaselys. Or is the term Weaslies?
Hermione: Nevermind that. What was it you were saying about your brother Charlie?
Ron: Oh yeah. What I was saying is that Charlie's actually in the black market for dragons. If anyone knows how to smuggle out a dragon, it's him.
Harry: So call him up already and we can get this think out of here!
Hermione: I thought you said he only works with dragons, that he studied them.
Ron: He does! Okay, can I borrow you phellcone Hermione?
Hermione: Er, it's called a cell phone. Maybe I should call up your brother. What's the number?
Ron: 1-800-5-RED-HOT. Or you could try 1-800-WE-SMOKE-
Hermione: Its okay, I got their answering machine. This is toll-free, right?
Ron: I think so.
Hermione: Hello, this is Hermione Granger, calling for Charlie Weasely. I just wanted to let you know that my…um…uncle has a Norwegian Ridgeback, just hatched for free if you ship him and handle him. You can contact me at Hogwarts through the mail. Bye!
Hagrid: Oh well, at least I'll still have Fluffy to keep me company.
Harry: Is Fluffy by chance a giant three-headed dog?
Hagrid: Oh yeah, that's him alright. Beauty. Wait, how do you know about Fluffy?
Hermione: We sort of ran into him the other day.
Ron: Some of us literally. *winces*
Harry: What's he guarding anyways? The Philosopher's Stone?
Hermione: Of course it's not Harry. Do you honestly think that the answer would be that obvious?
Hagrid: Well, he's right Hermione. It's the Philosopher's Stone.
Hermione: Dammit, I really should be used to being wrong by now.
Ron: No kidding.
Hermione: Shut UP Ron!
Ron: Take off!
Hagrid: QUIET!
Hermione: Sorry. But the question is, why does Snape want the Philosopher's Stone?
Ron: Oh I don't know, maybe so he can LIVE FOREVER!
Harry: Stop it the both of you! We have to stop Snape. Hagrid, we need to know everything we can about Fluffy!
Hagrid: Well, you see, all you have to do is play music and Fluffy will instantly go to sleep.
Hermione: Well, I can sing, if you like. Want a demonstration?
Harry: NO! I mean, that's alright Hermione. We can wait for Hogwarts Idol.
Ron: I can tap dance.
Harry: That won't work. How about I play bagpipes!
Ron: If that's all we've got, then it's ok with me! Just get me some earplugs, please!
Harry: Okay, now that that's over with, let's go to bed and get some rest. After all, tomorrow's Christmas!
Ron: We just had Halloween stupid. It can't be Christmas.
*Later, at Christmas*
Ron: Harry, wake up! It's Christmas!
Harry: Oh, is it really: I didn't notice all the festive decorations hanging around. Not to mention the Christmas tree in the common room. Well, let's go downstairs then!
*Downstairs*
Hermione: Ok, which smart guy bought me the thong?
Harry: Hmmm…what's this?
Ron: Holy cheese Harry! It's an invisibility cloak!
Harry: Really? Where? I can't see it! Pahahahahaha!
Hermione: Very funny Harry.
Ron: Well anyways, if you wear it, you turn invisible!
*Harry puts his cloak over his head, and drapes it over his body*
Harry: Can you see me? Does this make my butt look big?
Hermione: Nope. You're totally invisible.
Harry: This is so cool! I can do anything under here!
Hermione: I don't want to think about that to much…
*Suddenly, Hermione is jerked into the cloak*
Hermione: HARRY! Stop that right now!
Harry: Aww, you're no fun.
*Later that day*
*At night, Harry is roaming the hallways, making his own sound effects.*
Harry: Duuuuun Duuuuun Duuuuun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun…mwahahaha! I am Darth Vader! Hoooo-peeeh. Hooooo-peeeh (those were Darth Vader breathing noises by the way) I will now activate my lightsaber…Pshoooooowwwwooooowwwwooo…. Woah, is that Hermione kissing thin air in the middle of the night? I guess I can take my cloak off now…
*Harry takes off his cloak to discover that there's a mirror in the empty room he's standing in. It not only reflects him, but also Hermione, who is kissing him madly*
Harry: Score!
Dumbledore: I see you have found the mirror of Erised, which of course is Desire spelled backwards. The mirror will only show a persons' deepest, most desperate desire of their hearts. What do you see, Harry?
Harry: *Obviously making it up* Erm, I see myself, erm, acne-free and taller.
Dumbledore: Fascinating. I see myself getting an X-Box or a Game Cube for Christmas. People always insist on getting me books or socks.
Harry: I know what you mean.
Dumbledore: Well, you'd best be going off to bed now. You do know we have a curfew here at Hogwarts.
Harry: What? We do?
Dumbledore: Yes. Now go.
*Harry starts to leave*
Dumbledore: Oh, and Harry…
Harry: Yes sir?
Dumbledore: Be careful when you rescue the Philosopher's Stone.
Harry: I will, sir.
*Back at the guy's dorm*
Harry: Ron! Ron! Ron!
Ron: What! What! What!
Harry: I just saw the greatest thing ever! Come with me! We can both go under the invisibility cloak!
Ron: Oh no, Harry, I'm not falling for that this time.
Harry: I'm serious Ron. There actually is something I want to show you.
Ron: Okay…
*At the mirror of Erised*
Ron: Oh, check it out! I can see myself!
Harry: Yes, Ron, it's a mirror. Now look closer…what do you see?
Ron: I see…FOOD! Lots and lots of FOOD!
Harry: Maybe bringing you here wasn't such a good idea. Hey-Ron! Stop licking the mirror!
Ron: Oh. It's only a mirror. What do you see, Harry?
Harry: Um… I see…
*Footsteps and voices can be heard from a distance*
Harry: Quick! It's Snape! Run for it!
*Some time later, inside a statue of armor*
Ron: So what do we do now?
Harry: Let's sneak back to the common room and pick up Hermione. Then we can go for the Stone tonight.
Ron: Why so soon?
Nomi: Because I'm bloody sick and tired of this damn story!
Ron: Oh. Okay.
Harry: Ok, let's go!
*Later, in front of the door leading to Fluffy*
Hermione: Bagpipes?
Harry: Check.
Hermione: Surplus rations?
Ron: Check.
Hermione: Let's do it. Alohomora!
*They all quietly except Harry walk in*
Hermione: Okay, me first. Harry, when it's your turn, you can leave the bagpipes.
Harry: But Fluffy will mangle them! Oops! *keeps playing*
Hermione: Exactly Harry. That's a good thing.
*Hermione, then Ron, then Harry go down the trapdoor*
Harry: Stop touching me!
Ron: You stop touching me!
Harry: I wasn't touching you!
Hermione: Harry, stop touching me!
Harry: I'm not touching you. You're touching me!
Hermione: You idiots, it's the plant! It's trying to strangle us! RUN!
*They run.*
Harry: 1 down, er, something to go.
Ron: Good thing I brought my copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. Harry, you have to climb up on that broom, and catch the disabled key.
Harry: The disabled key?
Ron: The one with the deformed wing.
Harry: Sure thing.
*later*
Harry: Got it. Here, Hermione. Hey Ron, can I ask you something?
Ron: About what?
Harry: About your book. Will I win or not?
Ron: I can't tell you. That would be paradox.
Harry: Paradox? Okay, whatever, I'll just find out on my own.
Ron: Come on Harry, use logic. You're the main character. You can't die, or lose!
Harry: Really! Score!
Hermione: Come ON! We have to play giant chess to get to the other side of the next room!
Ron: Hey, something I'm good at!
Harry: Besides eating you mean.
*They play chess blah blah blah and win blah blah blah but Ron gets concussion blah blah blah. Honestly, normally I would be less lazy, but chess is just SO boring!*
*Meanwhile, in the potions room*
Hermione: According to this book, you have to drink the black potion and go through the black flames. I have to drink the blue potion and go back to Ron.
Harry: I hope you're right. I don't want to be poisoned.
Hermione: Harry, would I ever poison you?
Harry: Well, I would.
Hermione: What?
Harry: Er, I said of course I wouldn't.
Hermione: Good. Now, before you go…
Harry: You are NOT going to kiss me.
Hermione: FINE! *Stomps off through the flames*
Harry: Well, here goes nothing…at least I know I can't die.
*Harry Steps through the flames into a big round room with the mirror at the centre.*
Harry: QUIRREL?!? Why are YOU here? Oh yeah, you're the unsuspected villain, right?
Quirrel: That's right. Snape, on the other hand, merely has an unexplainable grudge against you, but he can't kill you. You're the main character!
Harry: Doesn't that stop you from killing me too?
Quirrel: Well-damn!
Harry: So why don't we just get it over with and let me kill you?
Quirrel: Now normally I would let you do just that, except there's the small problem of Lord Voldemort living on the back of my head. We can't kill him! Otherwise there would be no point in continuing this series!
Harry: Well, there's just GOT to be a loophole somehow. Wait! I know! Voldemort can't die, and I can't die, so how about I just kill you, Voldemort's soul escapes, and you give me a concussion so it looks like I battled heroically with you.
Quirrel: Sounds like a plan to me!
Harry: God I love it when I get my way.
*Later in the hospital wing*
Ron: Harry, are you alright? We though you DIED!
Hermione: Oh, Harry! *sob*
Harry: Oh come on, you know I can't die.
Ron: Well, I was reading a book called Total Recall. The main character gets lobotomized, which is essentially getting killed. Um, in Gladiator, Maximus dies…In Star Trek: The Motion Picture, TWO main characters die, Ilia and Commander Decker…and on the subject of Star Trek, in Star Trek Generations, Captain Kirk dies!
Harry: But Ron, this is a children's book!
Ron: Star Wars is for children, and Anakin Skywalker dies…
Harry: So what you're saying is that I actually could have died?
Hermione: I'm afraid so.
Dumbledore: As usual, Hermione, you're wrong. Harry has protection that seldom heroes have these days. He has his mother's love.
Ron: Dumbledore, you're such an old softie. Mother's love? Give me a break.
Dumbledore: No seriously!
Harry: Well that's pretty cool. So have I been out cold until the last day of school?
Dumbledore: Unsurprisingly, yes.
*The Great Hall*
Dumbledore: Well, it's been a hellova year as usual. And when I am finished giving out the house cup, you are all welcome to run to the doors and leave Hogwarts for this year! And the winner, by 0.808 points, is GRYFFINDOR!
*Explosion of cheering*
Slytherins: Aww…
Malfoy: *sniff* This was the worst *sniff* year ever…
The End