Dave was in no hurry today, but the fitting had taken longer than he would have liked. As he made his way to the car park, he spotted a face he recognized but was not pleased to see. He stopped, took a moment, and then bluntly asked:
"What do you want, Kurt?" Dave grumbled as he regained his slow pace, making his way towards his car, Kurt falling in step beside him.
"I came to congratulate you."
"We haven't spoken in three years. What could you possibly have to congratulate me about?" 'Oh, shit. Right… how could he possibly know, though?'
"Your upcoming nuptials. Even you can't be so out of it from all the head trauma that you've forgotten." Dave stopped and a small and familiar feeling of dread laced with panic coursed through Kurt as he wondered whether he had pushed it too far too quickly. Old habits die hard. Sullenly, Dave asked:
"How did you hear? We haven't made it public."
"Your Mom called Carole. She likes keeping her up to date on ALL you do. All your little… heteronormative milestones. A sort of 'Look how well my normal son is doing away from the influence of that boy of yours.' Between discussing the church fêtes and the Book Club meetings." Bitterness and frustrated resentment heavy as stone marked every word.
"Is that how you found me?" Dave picked up his pace once again.
"Yup. 'Hi Carole.' Kurt affected a ludicrously happy and content tone. 'Well, guess what my son, David, is doing? He's going for a tux fitting. That's right. A wedding. He's marrying a sweet, gorgeous gi…'"
"Sweet? She, uh… she said that?"
"Well, I can't be certain. I only got what Carole told me."
"But my Mom did say that?"
"Or something to that effect. Carole mentioned it. Why?"
"How did that help you find me? This can't be the only high-end retailer that I could have gone to."
"No, but a pro athlete getting fitted for a wedding tux does get tongues wagging in my corner of the fashion world. All I had to do was ask around. Very helpful of your mother."
"I'll ask her to stop."
"Is that what you really think I'm here for? This is ridiculous. How can you do this, Dave? How can you get married? I mean, I could forgive the…"
"You could forgive?!" Dave stopped again more abruptly as he turned his wounded glare at Kurt. "Who the hell are you to forgive anything? Who the hell are you, anyways? You're no one, Kurt. You don't own any part of me; we do not touch at any point. I know you were never very good at seeing where you end and others begin but think before you talk. Not everything is your damn business." After a few seconds of giving Kurt a silencing stare, Dave continued once again to walk towards his car, Kurt striding quickly to catch up.
"O.K. O.K. You're right. I didn't mean it like that. I meant… I guess I meant I could understand staying in the closet. For your pro football career. It's completely understandable, but… after all you went through. All you went through to come out…" Dave turned towards Kurt, as they both reached his car, with a confused look in his eyes.
"I'm sorry, you've lost me completely. Come out of where?"
"Are you… seriously? Are you really going to do this? This cliché of 'The Closeted Jock'?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm not gay. Sure, I was confused, for quite some time, and you even took advantage of…"
"TOOK ADVANTAGE?! How the hell dare you?!"
"Look…"
"No, YOU look! I…" Kurt lowered his voice, "I thought you were over this bullshit. I thought you going back into the closet was only a necessary setback. To get your mother back, maybe Azimio as well. You know, because you were feeling alone. And then you were…"
"Yeah. Amazing, isn't it? How alone an 18 year old kid on a hospital bed can feel. Yeah, I felt alone. Thought I had some support there for a few amazing weeks… but other than my Dad, there was no other constant."
"Yes. Yes, I know what I did was wrong. I did apologize last time I saw you."
"Right… when what's-his-name…"
"Blaine. If you're going to insult my fiancé, at least learn his damn name."
"Wha..? Fiancé? You went… you went back? You went back after he cheated on you? Again?"
"Why do you care?"
"I don't. I just had more…" Dave paused for a second, thought better of it and just sighed in resignation "… just forget it. You already apologized for abandoning me in that hospital bed."
"You don't get to do that, Dave. You don't get to simplify it like that. You know that's not how it happened."
"You keeping in touch for two weeks and then slowly fading me out of your life is not oversimplifying it, Kurt. Forget it. It's fine. We both moved on. At least I did."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Can we not do this? Just, whatever it is you wanted to say, just say it and we can move on. Maybe see each other in another 3 years. Maybe more."
"No. No, this isn't right. I came here to talk to you like an adult. I'm not cutting this short. We're not doing the whole passive aggressive 'I forgive you for whatever it is that's bothering me and you forgive me for whatever it is that's bothering you' crap. We are going to have an adult conversation. So, if you don't want to have it here, where do you want to have it?"
"I DON'T want to have it. Christ, Kurt, why can't you just let it go?"
"Let what go?"
"Us."
"What 'Us'? Wha… There never was an 'Us'."
"That's what I mean. Bad timing and bullying. That's it, that's all it was. Can't you let it go? We're both getting married. I just happen to be marrying a woman. Why is that a subject for discussion?"
"Just take us to a car park or something. Just… just take us somewhere you won't bullshit me because you're scared, and I won't accidentally out you." Kurt rounded the car to get in the passenger seat without waiting for a reply, as Dave reluctantly unlocked the doors. They both got in and buckled themselves as Kurt surveyed the impressive vehicle.
"Where do you wanna go?"
"I already told you, I don't care, as long as you don't have to revert back to 'Karofsky-in-the-stairway'-levels of panic." Kurt regretted mentioning that the moment it came out of his mouth. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know how stupid that was, Dave. Just… just take us somewhere."
"I can't talk while I'm driving. I'll end up driving into a tree if this conversation goes the way I think it will."
"So..? Where do you want to go? Car park?"
"I'd feel kind of stupid going from one car park to another. You want to…" Dave wasn't sure whether he should suggest going back to his place because, for one thing, Katya might actually be at the apartment and secondly, he wasn't sure how Kurt would react to going back to his. He was afraid of him getting the wrong message. Besides, Dave wanted to get out of the whole situation, not bring it home. So he just ended up suggesting:
"I got a loft. Downtown. Small investment I picked up 6 months ago. It's barely furnished and meant to be let. No doorman, and no one knows me there yet. We… we could have some privacy." Kurt took a second before answering.
"O.K. I guess that's fine."
"Great."
The ride was, as expected, quiet. Kurt knew it would be stupid of him to talk as Dave drove; the fear of having Dave lose his concentration was not an irrational one. Once they reached the building, having had to park the car at a nearby lot, hoping all the way that Dave wouldn't be recognized, they made their way to the apartment.
Dave did not oversell it. The place was a good looking space, well positioned in terms of sunlight and the view from the windows; but it was almost completely empty of anything of substance. A futon with a wooden frame to support it, a few glasses in an open cabinet located in the small raised kitchenette, an empty fridge, and a small, faded aquamarine coloured television set, complete with bunny-ears antenna, sitting in the corner on a plastic and metal chair that reminded Kurt of the chairs they both sat on during their elementary school years. Bare white walls with three small and stained sconces, one of which was missing its light bulb.
"I like it. It brings up a lot of ideas for decoration as soon as you see it but it also has a few token objects to make you reminisce on when you had less; when ramen noodles were dinner and stolen cable was entertainment."
"When did you live off of Ramen, Kurt?"
"It doesn't matter. You don't have to be so hostile, Dave. It was just a passing thought."
"Shit, yeah. Sorry. Anyways, I'd offer you something to drink but, frankly, I can't guarantee your safety if you decide to eat or drink anything we might find in the cupboards." An awkward silence took over them, with Kurt looking around to pretend he was still busy getting his bearings on his surroundings, and Dave holding his car keys, shifting his weight from foot to foot and eventually walking over to the only chair and taking the T.V. off of it to sit down.
"That isn't very polite."
"I actually thought you'd prefer sitting on the futon since it's much more comfortable than a chair made for a 7 year old. We can switch if you prefer."
"No. You're right. Guess I'm a bit hostile as well. This isn't exactly what I imagined when I, ah… when I rehearsed what I was going to say to you. I thought I'd devastate you with truth and leave you to dwell on it… maybe change your life forever. It was just a thought. We all like to think we have the gift for speechmaking; to change things with our words."
"You wanted to come in, all whistles and bells, guns blazing and shooting rainbow confetti. You're too optimistic and too damn confident in your rhetoric, Kurt."
"Wow, rhetoric… someone went to college." Dave laughed, recognizing the joke for what it was: a way back to their old ways of communicating, because, though it wasn't their proudest moment in terms of how they connected with each other, it was familiar. And it did work.
"You should know. You visited."
"Yes, well… that was one of my less stellar moments. Do you remember that day? My puffy eyes, my sore throat from all the crying. You remember how worried you looked when you saw me?"
"I remember all of it. Down to the colour of the scarf you were wearing. Blue, before you ask, and no, I won't specify a shade. I'm not good with that. March 2015. I was on my way to the Econ building. I told my friends,"
"Your girlfriend…"
"… I… I told them I would catch up with them. You told me you were sorry. That was the first thing you did. We seem to be doing that a lot today as well. Why did you come to me, Kurt? That day? I mean, why me? You had far more sympathetic and loving friends than I." Dave emphasized 'sympathetic'. "Why come to me not knowing in advance how I would react, since we hadn't spoken since that day."
"Finn… before he died, Finn betrayed your confidences. Told me you two kept in touch. Rachel, as well. They both told me enough for me to know how you still felt."
"So… so I was… what?" Dave getting slightly annoyed and hurt, especially at the mention of Finn and Rachel, who HAD kept in touch and had been some small support during the more difficult days. "Some kind of fucking rebound?!" Kurt recoiled at the uncivilized statement, but held his tongue.
"… Honestly? At the time I would have said no. I would have been offended at the suggestion. But I can't lie to you now, Dave. Yes. As cruel and hurtful as it might be to tell you this, I did think, for a long time, that you were. At least partially. We have to live with the lies we tell ourselves." Dave kept quiet for a minute or so, Kurt not daring to lift his gaze up and see the all too familiar anger.
"God." Dave sounded exasperated. "God. Goddammit, Kurt! How the fuck is it you can still do that?! How can you still make me feel like shit so easily?!"
"I owe you the truth, Dave." Kurt bleated, with his eyes still lowered and his voice subdued, not daring to look up at a pacing Dave.
"What on earth for?! You should have lied! For fucks sakes, KURT, you should have simply lied. We are NEVER gonna see each other again after today, in all likelihood. Why the sudden need for the truth?! Why couldn't you just let me have one fucking thing?!"
"Maybe because I don't want this to be…" and at this he finally raised his eyes to meet Dave's. "… it?"
"Is that what this is all about? How… wha…" Dave halted abruptly and remained open mouthed for a few seconds, before he bellowed out, "KURT! If I told you 'No' back in my second year of college, how much more of a resounding 'No' do you think you're going to get now, when I am checking for caterers with my soon to be wife?! And… you're fucking engaged too! What… what is going on with you?" Dave started pacing again, not knowing how to stand still in the face of all of that Kurt had decided to share, and finally settling by the window again.
"I don't know, Dave! I don't know. I mean, is it wedding jitters? Is it a simple case of cold feet? I don't think so. He JUST proposed. I don't think wedding jitters come 2 days…"
"Two days?" Dave reiterated quietly and calmly. "It's been two days and you're here?"
"Dave. I'm not sure. I'm just not sure anymore and I don't think I ever was."
"Well that's fantastic. This is unbelievable. The irony would feed a family of starving Emos for weeks, Kurt: I chased you into Harry Potter's arms at Dalton because I was so fucked in the head from fear, later thinking that I forever ruined any shot with you. I make amends, like a decent human being who had done so much wrong should; I make a few small steps out of my closet, I try to give you a proper Valentine's in an effort to… I don't even know what I was thinking, to be honest."
"You just wanted to make me happy." Kurt commented resignedly. "Finn had confided in me that he had told you I was not gonna get to celebrate Valentine's."
"And you shot me down. That's O.K. You're entitled to choose who you want and that wasn't me. I thought 'Well, at least I gave it a shot', only to be driven to suicide right afterwards. You came in, all compassion and sweetness, make me forget for an hour just how horrible everything had gone: 'Think of the man you want to be'. You made me feel like a person again. For two weeks, constant contact. You never missed a call, always answered a text, which I admit is understandable considering the events in question. And then you started to phase me out of your life. It's senior year, and Glee is heading to Nationals, and you got college prep, and auditions for schools. It all weighed down on you, and you had to unload what you couldn't deal with over the next few months. I was just unfortunate to be one of those things."
"That's… that's, ah. Yeah. No more excuses, Dave. That's letter-perfect."
"So… so I, uh… I spend a year recuperating, while my Dad is trying to get a job somewhere else where I can have some anonymity and finish high school. A year for me to realize that it was better to be in the damn closet the way you found me at 'Scandals'. Out within and In without. Knowing what I want but not daring to want it. I got my Mom back, so there's some comfort. And then 18 months later I start college, far enough away so I don't have to fear running into someone I know. And then three years after you found me on that damn hospital bed, crying silently and hearing about what an amazing life I have ahead of me, you showed up. You tell me you left him."
"Don't, Dave."
"That you caught him cheating after you returned from visiting your Dad back home because your poor Aunt had died. You told me it got you thinking and that it got you thinking about me. You know, I still remember how disgusted you were when I told you it was my girlfriend I was saying goodbye to. Kurt. You may have wanted me at the time, but not enough to stop yourself from judging me. Still, we spent the night together. Again, how ironic that it was my first time, which you did pick up on. Guess it wouldn't be sex if shame didn't come into it. Not that you made me feel too bad about it. But I was always spending more time between girlfriends than actually with them; always left early on. Do you remember, you let me hold you after and that… that had meant the world to me. But…"
"But?"
"But I was in too deep and I didn't trust you enough to believe you'd stay. So I took no risk. I told you 'No' and you took it at face value, barely asking for an expl…"
"Hey. Would you mind if we ordered some Chinese?"
"I'm… I'm sorry, what?"
"I'm, ah… Well, I'm kinda hungry, Dave. And we're not done here. Can we get some Chinese takeout?" Dave was confused. He wondered whether Kurt had mentioned this just to get him to stop. If he was being honest with himself, he was a bit scared of sitting down and having a meal with Kurt. It would prolong whatever this was and add domesticity to the whole situation. The picture was enticing, though. Both of them sitting on the futon, crossed legs, fighting over spring rolls. Too close; too reminiscent of another time.
"Ah, yeah. I guess I can call my regular place. I'm not sure they'll deliver out here but the owners might have another restaurant close by that they could give me the number for."
"Just get me egg drop soup and the crispy duck." Kurt said, somberly. "Oh, and a diet coke. Thanks." Dave got up and made the call out in the building's hallway, which seemed a bit strange, but Kurt was just grateful for the small reprieve and a chance to get up and look out the window for some much needed distraction. This is was not what he had planned in the carefully constructed confrontation he had invented in his head. 'All that time I wasted on rehearsing what I would say. I never once considered the fact that he would talk back.'
The onslaught of raw recrimination from Dave was not easy to handle but was not off the mark on any point, either. Dave had not lied, though he had revealed more than Kurt knew and suspected about that day. Kurt did wonder now, why it was that he hadn't been more devastated by Dave's rejection and why, at the time, he hadn't questioned it or fought to be wanted; he had been in such a vulnerable place. Surely being rejected should have mattered more. Had Dave really meant that little? But Kurt was starting to see things more clearly now, and he realized he had, for a long time, thought of Dave as second place. And Kurt hadn't lied either. He really wasn't sure anymore.
"They said they'd be happy to deliver here, despite it being outside their delivery zone. Apparently they'll get a closer restaurant to make the order so the food doesn't get cold on the way but they'll get it sorted with the other place so they'd save me the trouble. You O.K.?"
"Wha… oh. Oh, yeah." Kurt sniffed and wiped his face. Tears had welled up in his eyes, brimming, and on the verge of falling. "Yeah. Did they, ah… did they say how long?"
"Twenty minutes, give or take. You sure you're O.K.?"
"Yeah. I just…" Kurt sniffed again and took a small tissue he had with him to wipe his face and nose. "All that talk. It brought it all back, you know? I mean… you're right. I did take it at face value. But I'm sorry Dave. Though I do admit that part of what I was doing there was just a simple rebound, I don't think that's all that was. Did I, ah… Huh." Kurt looked out the window at the darkening skies, as he reflected for a moment. "You know, it's funny. I was about to start telling you something and I just realized that I can never start telling you a story with the words 'Did I ever tell you about...?' We ruined all our chances for us to have had some conversations and not others. With you and me… everything is unsaid and unspoken. If there ever had been an 'Us', like you said, I would have been glad to have shared at least some of my stories. Isn't that what it's all about? Having someone to come home to and say 'You'll never believe what happened…' or 'So, this guy at work…' I can't even use a 'Remember that guy I put a hit out on…' Ah, there it is. That winning smile. You never smiled in high school."
"Of course I did."
"No, you didn't. Not really. I'm not just talking about smiling at me. I did pay attention, Dave, and you never smiled. Not out of happiness. Sure you had plenty of opportunities to sneer at a victim or share a buddy-laugh with some of those jacket wearing meat piles that you called 'friends', no offence meant to present company and half the Glee club, including my late brother." At this Dave chuckled again. "But you never smiled. That sadness, the one that cut through everything you did and everything you experienced, made it harder for me to truly despise you. It's part of the reason I forgave you the first time you apologized. Did I ever tell you," and at this he raised his eyes and smiled at Dave. "That out of all my friends, who hadn't always been my friends, you were the only one that actually sincerely apologized to me? Not even Finn, God bless that boy, and don't give me that look. It's just an expression. Wherever that goofball is… I sure do miss him."
"Did he never apologize?"
"There was never really a moment I felt he needed to. When I was crushing hard on him I took it as a sign when he held my jacket, and every kindness afterwards felt like he was apologizing to me in small gestures. When that had ended, we were on our way to becoming brothers and the apology no longer seemed relevant. Maybe his sweetness and protectiveness towards me compensated on his apparent lack of remorse. I do believe he was truly sorry, especially once we had become close. Did you call your wife while out in the hallway?"
"My w… you mean my fiancé?"
"Yeah. You took like ten minutes. I was just curious."
"Yes, well. She'd wonder, I guess. If I took too long in getting home."
"Her name's Katya, right? I think I read she was a friend of a friend."
"Yeah. Katy. She's great. She's been very supportive and sweet. She's, ah…"
"A real fireball, huh?"
"Hey!"
"She's… Dave. Is she getting paid? Is that why the sudden need to get married? You got caught…" Kurt was interrupted by a loud knock on the door. "That'll be the food. I'll be right back." Dave made a hasty retreat to get to the door, leaving Kurt regretting he had brought the subject up. It's one thing when you're in the thick of it; the words tumbling one after the other. But now he's been interrupted, and the subject can't be dropped. And yet picking it back up might almost be more awkward than letting it lie. Dave came back from the door, took off his jacket and shoes, and sat crossed legged in his tailored pants in front of Kurt.
"It's still nice and warm. They brought a separate bag for the drinks so they wouldn't get ruined by the heat. No plates, though, so I guess we'll have to eat straight out of the cartons."
"Dave."
"What? What, Kurt? What do you want me to say? My agent has been riding me on this since he signed me on. He gave me this whole 'if you don't tell me about something, I can't do much about it once it blows up' speech, so I told him; and me getting drafted by the Cleveland Browns made him all the more persistent. No, Kurt. I didn't get caught. I've been leading a sexless life since you and I… I mean, there were a couple of times. Guys online. No faces. Mutual, um… thing. Anyways, he just wore me down. I gave up the fight and went along with it. She's a good friend, Kurt."
"So, she's not a friend of a friend?"
"Nah. We made up the whole 'getting set up' crap. She's been a friend for quite a while now. She's gay too. And Russian, like me. My Mom doesn't like her, which is why I was so surprised when you told me what she had said to Carole, though I shouldn't be that surprised, all things considered. She comes from money. Quite a bit of money. Caviar. But a mess of a family. She's scared, Kurt. Like I am. And she would never grudge me loving someone else. So there." Dave exclaimed, with a resigned tone of finality. "You have your answer. It's what you wanted to ask since you found me making my way to the car, isn't it?"
"No. You're right. It's not fair. I'm here because of my own problems just as much as for my curiosity about the future Mrs. Karofsky. I just haven't gotten around to voicing them as honestly as you." Kurt opened his soup container and fished out the plastic spoon from the bag, while Dave made himself comfortable on the futon.
"I don't know if you want to hear about any of it, Dave, but I still need to talk about it. You and I have unfinished business. Stuff from three years ago that we haven't settled."
"Wait. Wait a minute, you said… you said you weren't sure anymore. But that had nothing to do with the engagement, did it? 'We have to live with the lies we tell ourselves.' That's what you said, Kurt. Did you mean me? Did you mean you were no longer sure regarding how you felt about me?"
"I'll answer that, after I tell you a story. It has affected so many of the decisions I made that day I came to visit you and none of my actions before or afterwards will make sense if I don't tell you. Can you listen to me and then ask me that question again?"
"I'll listen."
"O.K. Well, where should I start? Do you remember the name of my late Aunt?"
"I can't say that I do."
"It was Katherine. She passed away the week I came to visit you. She had an interesting life, to say the least but, ultimately, it was a sad and hard one and not just because she had died at the age of 55. The first thing you need to know about her is that she was a black woman. She'd been adopted by my grandparents after her mother had died of a lung thing, an infection, I think, that wasn't well treated at the hospital. Her father had died in 62' when she was only two years old; a factory accident. Bit gruesome, from what my Dad told me. Anyways, when Katherine was eight, her mother, by that point, had been my grandparents' maid for quite some time, and before that she had worked for my grandfather's parents. My grandparents doted on Katherine. See, they had been told that, though they were young, it was very unlikely they would ever have children."
"But,"
"Yeah, my Dad. Well, things aren't always 100% with these things, especially back then. It did take them a long time to have my Dad, so it wasn't an exaggeration. Anyways, when Katherine's mother passed away my grandparents thought long and hard and decided to adopt her. She had no one, except her father's mother and she was in no position to take care of her. It took a year but they were thrilled and were even happier to learn a year later that my grandma was pregnant with my Dad. Katherine was 10 in 1970, when my Dad was born. They were never particularly close, the age gap making it a bit hard to maintain a very close relationship, but they were close enough. Especially as grown-ups. Anyways, by 83' Katherine was engaged to this amazing guy called Thomas, who she met at college."
"What's he like?"
"I don't really know, you see, because he drowned during a fishing trip with a buddy of his, Lawrence, or Larry, as they called him. Larry swam to safety but Thomas sank immediately. Larry was sure he was swimming right behind him but by the time he got to the shore, he turned around to find Thomas wasn't there." Kurt finished the last of his soup in a gulp and dove into his crispy duck.
"How did Katherine take the news?"
"She became a bit of a hermit. After the funeral, Larry and Thomas' other best friend, Amanda, came to stay with her. In all that time, since she met Thomas, they had all become a sort of friendly circle. Larry lived like two houses down from Thomas and Katherine, while Amanda lived on the west coast. Even so, she was constantly in and out of their lives. No warning, just getting in her car and showing up; very untethered. I have to admit I kinda liked her when my Dad told me all this."
"When did he tell you?" Dave asked, as he took a portion of Kurt's duck from his carton, just as Kurt liberated a spring roll from Dave's container.
"At the hospital. He felt it needed to be told. And there was a bit of a fear behind it, like he was warning me. I never did have any secrets from him."
"What was he warning you about?"
"You'll understand once I'm finished. So, anyways, Thomas is dead, and Katherine is devastated, so the ties that bind bound them all closer together. They all huddled around Katherine and propped her up. They spent months at the house, living together. We still don't really know what it was that Amanda did for a living, that she could afford to just leave it all. I mean, my dad said she always had a camera with her but on the other hand Katherine told him she was sure Amanda wrote for a living… maybe she did both, I don't know. So, as I was saying, they spent months like this and Katherine and Amanda fell in love. They kept it secret, naturally, though not because of homophobia, surprisingly enough. It was more of a 'this is for us and no one else'. I think there was also guilt involved because of how quickly Katherine must have thought she had moved on from Thomas. However, Amanda got tired of it after a while, and when Larry found out… well, Katherine got defensive, denied it meant anything, which Amanda accidentally overheard."
"Wait, why was Larry so butthurt about it if he wasn't homophobic? Why was it any of his business?"
"It wasn't, but he was in love with Katherine; had been for a very long time. I don't know at which point Katherine realized this but she must have, since it was his feelings she was trying to spare as well. Anyways, as I said, Amanda overheard and she took off. Permanently. Katherine was hurt but moved on and ended up marrying Larry. I can't say I know what she must have felt in those days and how she had come to the decision, but she must have convinced herself that she did love him; it took her almost five years but by 1989 they were married. However… the lies we tell ourselves don't last unless we put work into it, and Katherine's strength ran out in 2003. She divorced Larry and went in search of Amanda."
"How did she find her?"
"Well, they hadn't cut off all communication, I guess, but nothing came of it. Katherine came back alone." And at this Kurt ended the story.
"That's it? That's the end of the story?"
"I told you, it's a sad story, which ends in 2015 with her death from throat cancer. I did warn you."
"So. So I'm… what? I'm Amanda?"
"It's not as simple as that." Kurt remarked with a frustrated huff and got up off the futon to move to the window, his back now to Dave. "Why did you kiss me that day, Dave?"
"I'm sorry, what? Why? Why did I kiss you?"
"Yes. You must have thought about it enough times since then. Why did you do it?"
"Why do you need to know after all this time? We've slept together since. Does a panicked kiss that happened nine years ago matter so much?" Kurt turned back to look at Dave, still sitting on the futon.
"Yes. I want to know why you felt like I would be responsive to it. That first kiss; that was pure and raw emotion. It was animalistic: Hit him or kiss him. And you chose 'kiss him' because you didn't want to ruin this beautiful face." Kurt said with a sad smile; his attempt at a small joke. "But why the second attempt? Why did you think I would respond in kind?"
"I have thought about it since, but I'm tempted to give you the bullshit answer. I don't know how comfortable I am with all this."
"Too late now to be squeamish about any of this. If you tell me the real reason, I'll tell you who you are."
"I know I'm Amanda."
"No, you think you are. There's a difference."
"Alright. O.K. I'll tell you. The truth is, I just thought we were the same. Not just gay. I thought that out of all our peers, only you and I knew what it meant to be truly alone, with no possible reprieve. You think you paid attention? So did I. I wasn't blind, Kurt. I knew you then as I know you now. And you're still as alone as I am. 'The lies we tell ourselves.' Blaine might not be strictly Larry but I know I am Amanda. I wasn't second best. I just had fucking lousy timing."
"Yeah. That's us. 'Bad timing and bullying'."
"So there. You have all the answers. What are you going to do now?"
"I don't know. I do know I love Blaine. I'm just not sure I love him more than I love you, and I'm not sure I love you more than I love him."
"Kurt. You two have had eight years together. We had one day three years ago and one afternoon today. I may not be your second choice but Blaine can't be either. You need to go back to him and I have to live with my own choices. Ten years from now, when my career is nearly over and my body is failing me and you are happy with Blaine or in the middle of a horrible divorce, I'll come out publicly, if I haven't already by then because I got caught doing something, and I'll find someone to be happy with who can put up with my temper and my gruffness. Maybe you and I will get it together finally, maybe we won't. This little bubble we created here, maybe it's enough for now."
"Could we spend the night together? I can't imagine that futon being all that comfortable but as you said, it could be enough."
"Why would you want to?"
"Because I want you. Because you want me. For the familiarity. To scratch an itch. To payback Blaine for something I told him I forgave years ago. To feel desired. To be with someone else. To feel your body. To rake my fingers through your chest hair. To feel the weight of you pressing down on me. To feel conquered and taken. To do the wrong thing. To smell you for the last time, if it is the last time." Kurt left the window and reached the futon to lean down and look Dave in the eyes.
"I can't be your mistake, Kurt."
"That's the thing, though. This would be me doing something right, Dave. The right thing for me."
"What about the right thing for me?"
"Am I the wrong thing?"
"… No. But I can't make a cheater out of you."
"How lucky you are, then, that it's not your decision to make. You can't make a cheater out of me. Only I can do that." And at this, he leaned the rest of the way down and kissed Dave.