(Briny Beach: Violet, Klaus, and Sunny sit on sand. Violet has a rock. Klaus has an extremely large book. Sunny is biting a stick.)

Violet: There has got to be a way to get these rocks back to me so I can skip them again.

Klaus: Don't look at me. I couldn't invent something to save my life.

Sunny: Me neither.

Klaus: But you can, Violet. People say you're the best fourteen-year-old inventor in the world. And I have to urinate.

Violet: Wonderful.

Sunny: Go in ocean.

Violet: Sunny! What an uncivilized thing to say!

(Klaus exits.)

Violet: Maybe something with a sensor could help with the rocks.

Sunny: (She points.) Gack!

Violet: Why, look at that mysterious figure rising out of the fog! Sunny, don't point! That is rude!

Mr. Poe: (enters) I'm sorry, but your parents died in a terrible fire that destroyed your whole home. Here are the directions to Count Olaf's house, the man that will adopt you.

(Poe exits. Violet stares with her mouth open. Klaus enters.)

Klaus: What did I miss?

Violet: Our house burnt down and our parents died.

Klaus: Unbelievable. (Grabs papers.) What's this?

Violet: Directions to Count Olaf's house.

Klaus: Count-

Violet: The man who is adopting us.

Sunny: Never heard of him.

(Scene change to a front door. Violet knocks.)

Olaf: (Opening door) Hello. Get in you worthless lumps of fat. Where's the other one? There were three, right?

Violet: My brother is riding with Mr. Poe and the luggage.

Olaf: Your brother is a piece of luggage. Get in, baby! (He picks Sunny up.) Worthless lump of flesh! (He throws Sunny in the house.) Now make Dinner! Or else I'll-

(Violet grabs Sunny and leaves the room. She goes to the kitchen.)

Violet: He's horrible! I wish Mr. Poe would get here.

Olaf: There you are! Get out, Poe boy! (The door slams. Klaus enters the kitchen.)

Klaus: Why are you in here?

Sunny: He told us 'make dinner'.

Olaf: (entering kitchen) Where's dinner, orphans?

Violet: You haven't given us enough time to make it.

Olaf: Get to your beds, now!

Klaus: No! You only provided us one bed! (He stands up to Olaf.)

Violet: No! Klaus!

(Olaf picks up Klaus and throws him on the floor. He exits.)

(Violet kneels and hugs Klaus. Sunny comes over too. They all cry. Klaus barfs.)

(Scene changes to a breakfast table with oatmeal. Olaf is sitting there. The Baudelaires enter.)

Olaf: Baudelaires, I have been quite standoffish to you.

Klaus: Standoffish! More like cruel!

(Olaf grabs Klaus and throws him on the floor.)

Olaf: I would like to make up for my standoffishness by allowing you to be in a play, called The Marvelous Marriage. Violet will play the wonderful lady who I marry in the show. If you do not cooperate, the baby will be dropped of the tallest tower in China, which is mine. Any questions?

Violet: How could you do that to a baby?

Klaus: You own a tower in China?

Olaf: My little girl, I have seen worse. I have seen worse villains, worse plots, and worse orphans. Now, to the theater. Our neighbor, Justice Strauss is a judge on the High Court. She will also perform. And I do own a tower in China.(He exits.)

Klaus: (getting up) It's real, Violet. He wants to really marry you to get our fortune.

Violet: How can it be real?

Klaus: To get married you must say 'I do', sign a marriage license, and be in the presence of a judge.

Violet: Oh, no! What will we do?

Olaf: (Offstage) Orphans! I need you!

(The scene changes to a theater. Violet and Olaf are at an alter. Justice Strauss is behind them.)

Olaf: I do.

Violet: (Pause.) I do.

(Olaf sings the document. Violet sings it with her left hand.)

Olaf: I have legally married the brat beside me.

(People in the crowd gasp.)

Violet: No, he hasn't. I sang the document with my left hand. I'm right-handed.

Justice Strauss: Yes, you did. So no one is legally married to Violet Baudelaire.

Mr. Poe: Arrest Olaf! (Crowd runs after Olaf. Olaf runs offstage.) Violet, Klaus, and Sunny, I'm sorry. You were mistreated at your home. I can't say you didn't deserve it. Beatrice and Bertrand did spoil you. Finding you a new guardian should be easy though.

A man named Dr. Montgomery Montgomery is next on your waiting list.

Violet: Waiting list?

Mr. Poe: Yes. People are waiting to adopt you. Of course, I put the relatives first.

Violet: Yes, of course.

(The scene changes to Dr. Montgomery Montgomery's house. Violet, Klaus , Sunny, and Uncle Monty are seated.)

Monty: My assistant, Stephano, should be here any minute now. This is his first day. For some reason, Gustav, my old assistant left.

(Doorbell rings. Monty gets up.)

Monty: That's him. (Opens the door. Stephano walks in. The Baudelaires gasp.)

Stephano: Dr. Montgomery, how do you do? I must immediately view your large collection of reptiles. I hear you have 50 different kinds.

Monty: 70 different kinds. Plus some new arrivals. This way. (He and Stephano exit.)

Klaus: You know very well that is Count Olaf. We must stop him immediately.

Stephano: (entering) Oh, orphans, never play with snakes. Your poor Uncle did and he died young.

Violet: No. No. No! You………YOU KILLED HIM YOU INGNORANT PIECE OF CRAP! YOU KLLED HIM!

Stephano: No, darling, why would I, a mere assistant-

Violet: YOU ARE NOT A MERE ASSISTNANT, YOU SCUMBAG! YOU ARE WORTHLESS, STUPID OLAF! COUNT OLAF! SO SHUT YOUR POT ABOUT 'A MERE ASSISTANT!'

Stephano: GOSH DARN IT, GIRL! SHUT YOUR (BLEEP) (BLEEP) UP ABOUT IT, YOU (BLEEP)! THE (BLEEP) POLICE'LL BE 'ERE ANY MINUTE IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP!

(Violet runs off crying. The doorbell rings. Mr. Poe enters with suitcases.)

Mr. Poe: Oh, hello. I'm looking Dr. Montgomery. Where is-

Stephano: Oh, the late Dr. Montgomery. Such a great-

Mr. Poe: LATE! WHAT THE (BLEEP) DO YOU MEAN LATE!

Stephano: I'm afraid a poisonous snake, the Mamba du Mal, bit Dr. Montgomery.

Mr. Poe: YOU MEAN I HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER (BLEEP) HOME FOR THESE (BLEEP) ORPHANS!

Stephano: I'll gladly take these orphans off your hands.

Klaus: No, he's Count Olaf. His ankle should have a tattoo. Check.

(Stephano lifts his pant leg up.)

Stephano: No tattoo.

Violet: (entering with a black suitcase) Yes tattoo. While you all were arguing I managed to make a lock-pick, insert it in the lock on Count Olaf's suitcase, and collect this evidence.

Stephano: My, Violet, you only had a minute or two.

Violet: I'm quick. (She lays the bag on the table and removes the contents from it.) One of these items is the Venom du Mal. Stephano injected it into Uncle Monty and then poked an extra hole so it would look like a snake bit him. When I'm eighteen I inherit the Baudelaire fortune. Count Olaf wants that fortune for himself. It would be easier to obtain the fortune in a location more difficult to trace, such as Peru. Uncle Monty mentioned taking us to Peru to look for snakes when we arrived. Count Olaf stole the tickets to Peru and hid them in his suitcase when he arrived.

Stephano: My name is Stephano.

Violet: Count Olaf is your name, Count Olaf. Count Olaf put powder on his ankle to hide the tattoo of an eye. Mr. Poe, please wipe your handkerchief on that man's ankle.

(Mr. Poe wipes the handkerchief on Stephano's ankle, revealing a tattoo of an eye.)

Stephano: WHAT THE (BLEEP)! HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND OUT, (BLEEP)?

(Stephano runs out the door and shakes his butt on the way, flashing Mr. Poe)

Mr. Poe: WHY THE (BLEEP) DID YOU DO THAT?!! YOU"RE QUEER, OLAF! Q-U-E-E-

(Violet stuffs a banana in Mr. Poe's nose.)

Mr. Poe: (nasal) OH MY NOSE! MY (BLEEP) NOSE!

(The Baudelaires fall asleep.)

(The scene changes. It's two days later and Mr. Poe is still running around with a banana up his nose. A man walks in and grabs all the snakes and almost leaves. The Baudelaires wake up.)

Klaus: Watcha doin with da snakies?

Man: Eating them.

Klaus: Ok.

Sunny: Fine with me.

Mr. Poe: (still sounding nasal) WOULD SOMEONE GET THIS FLIPPIN' BANANA OUT OF MY NOSE?

Violet: No.

(Dr. Lucafont enters.)

Lucafont: Boss! Boss, am I late? I have the orphans…

(Lucafont gets attacked by mutant squirrels.)

Violet: Gosh, I could watch this for a long time.

To Be Continued…