Title: Cannons
Summary: Rachel and Blair exchange bodies. From a tumblr prompt. Written for Tantoun.
Disclaimer: Glee and Gossip Girl are not mine.
If there's one thing that Blair knows everything about, and she means EVERYTHING, it's fashion. The fashion world has rules. These rules we should always adhere to. That is why she's currently energetically stomping on a Joseph-the-Dreamer rainbow coat that she oddly found herself wearing. It's a bad thing to wake up in a strange room but it's a horror to wake up wearing a.. an abomination, to put it gently. "Jesus." She mutters under her breath when the coat is properly subdued. She kicks the coat aside, coz ew, and raises a hand to her face to check for injuries. "Oh God." Her nose is swelling bigtime. She runs to a glass window to check her face... then she screams.
ooooooooo
Rachel Berry is one for the dramatics so when she realizes that she's coming around from a fainting spell she groans. With feelings. The day's excitement must have been too much for her and rightly so. She could still feel the tingles from their impromptu song and dance number at the park. Not just any park, oh no dear Barbra, but the Central Park. She touches her erratically beating chest and felt silk. Silk? She looks down and gasps as she sees her nearly naked body barely concealed by a short, low cut, silk robe. Darn it! Quinn Fabray must have pulled a prank on her again.
They must have got her when she retired to their hotel room alone, to rest her weary body, after that enjoyable albeit irresponsible outing. That Quinn girl is nothing but trouble, really. Such a pretty face but such vile constitution.
Rachel swings her legs off the bed and stands on unsteady legs. "Whoa." She tries to walk but trips on a bra, this made her frown and then giggle because she's Rachel Berry. She likes to believe she's expected to be cute like that. A quick look around the room tells her that she's no longer at their hotel room. A forlorn sigh escapes her lips. Again, it's to be expected. It has been a long time since the Unholy Trinity has pulled a prank on her so this big scale moving-to-another-room prank comes as no surprise. Rachel got to give the girls credit though. The room's not bad. In fact it is... posh, if she may say so herself. There was a huge bed covered in Egyptian cotton, a closet as big as their own hotel room and a vanity laden with products that may push a non-vain person to try harder. She picks up one and reads the label, organic and non animal cruel, Rachel Berry approves. In fact Rachel Berry approves of everything in this room. She is about to voice out her opinion in detail to the pretty girl she just noticed in the room with her when she realizes that the pretty girl is inside the vanity mirror. That the pretty girl is wearing a dark blue silk robe. That the pretty girl is alone in the mirror. That the pretty girl is her. Rachel Berry raises her hand to her forehead and faints - again.
ooooooooo
"You gots to shut your mouth Berry. You're polluting the air with your hobbit breath." Blair stops screaming at her reflection, turns around, and sees a Latina in a very tight striped excuse for a dress swagger into the room. A smirk seems to be permanently
"Excuse me?" The audacity of this... this Jlo wannabe to tell her, whoever she is right now, to shut up. Nobody tells Blair Waldorf, no matter how Jewish her nose is at this moment, to shut up especially not when she's venting out because clearly she's stuck in the Twilight Zone.
"You're excused dwarf." The smirk got even more sinister. Blair narrows her eyes and marches up to the newcomer.
"Listen here. Who do you think you are?" She angles her body, tiny body, so that she would be pressed menacingly to the Latina. Fuck personal space.
"I'm Santana Lopez, shark week, and I'm gonna go all Lima Heights on you if you do not get away from me." Was the answer.
"Shark week?! What does that even mean?!" Not the one to back down from physical violence to get what she wants, Blair was about to smack this Lopez girl down.
"What is going on here?" Blair whips her head to the voice so fast she swears she's gonna have a crink in the neck later. Her eyes widen. "Finally!" She exclaims and strides purposely to the blonde newcomer. This girl is pretty, blonde and has sex appeal to boot. In this Twilight Zone it is only logical that this girl will be her friend, right? "Please, hazel eyes, tell this... this peasant to get out of here before I have her thrown out." The blonde's eyebrow shoots up, her lips pursed in confused surprise. Blair only rolls her eyes. "Where's my purse?"
"You do not own a purse, bipolar quack, but your pink monstrousity is right there." The Latina quips.
"God." Blair throws her hands to the air and starts to rummage inside the pink roll away. "Who asked you? Seriously, someone should just gag you."
She hears a shuffling and turns to see the blonde restraining the Latina who is now screaming in Spanish. "Crap. Better get out of here, Rachel, before this blows." The blonde half-grunts out. Blair only rolls her eyes, she seems to need to do that with this company, snatches whatever money she could find inside the case and purposely strides out the door. Backing up to where the two girls are still struggling, she plants a kiss to the blonde's cheek. "Thank you." And with that she was gone. If she turns around she might have seen the blonde's face bloom red.