Driving Test
By Jaha Canon
Disclaimer: I don't own Zim… or Dib for that matter.
Sixteen-year-old Dib was ecstatic. Sure, he already had a fully functional spaceship at his disposal, but this mode of transportation wouldn't need to be hidden from other human eyes. It was one mode of transportation Zim can't acquire- a legal one.
Dib suffered the long, painful process of Drivers Education, took the ridiculous test, and now was heading towards the driving test. But it was worth it, he was sure. Now he could keep better tabs on Zim and also have a more effective mode of transportation to, say, the graveyard or any other place a future paranormal investigator would go.
All he had to do was survive the long DMV line and then pass the test. He entered the building.
"Do do do…" a short green being sang tunelessly to himself before turning to the person in line behind him. "Don't mind me, I'm just a NORMAL HYUUUMEN getting my authorization to drive a gas consuming street vehicle from the RIDICULOUS thing you- I mean, -we- HYUUUMENS call a government." He said cheerfully, despite the fact almost every other word was almost screamed.
"You told me that three times already…" said the bored person behind him.
"ZIM!!!!!!!" yelled Dib as he ran to where Zim stood near the middle of the line, "What are you doing here?"
"Why hello, fellow HYUUUMEN Dib-stink. I am merely getting my authorization to-"
"YOU'RE getting a driver's license?! …But how? I don't remember seeing you in Driver's Ed?"
"Silly HYUUUMEN," Zim said with a superior laugh, "You underestimate Irken technology. I have all my paperworks."
Dib glanced at the papers that Zim was holding. They were rather convincing looking. "Zim… Miz? Why did you put that your last name is Miz?"
Zim stood proudly, "Because, you fool, I am a genius!"
"Right… you do know that with that technology you could have made a fake license, too…" Dib said.
Zim's face went blank for a moment, taking this in. "Foolish HYUUMEEEN! Your simple mind cannot understand the complexities of a plan formulated by an elite Irken invader!"
Dib looked around- of course no one was listening to what the alien was saying. He sighed and then paused when he realized what this all implied. Zim- on the road. LEGALLY. He ran to the front of the line to talk to the person at the counter. "Ma'am! You have to listen to me, there's an ALIEN trying to get a driver's license and he has fake paperwork!"
The lady barely looked at Dib, "Look kid, you got to go to the back of the line and wait your turn."
"NO! The fate of the world depends on-"
"Back of the line!" the woman commanded.
"But… please, listen to me!" Dib pleaded. The woman reached under the table to push an unseen button. Two men approached Dib from behind and began dragging him to the back of the line. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Zim sniggered as he watched Dib struggle as he was dragged past him.
"THAT'S HIM! That's the alien! He's trying to get a license! Somebody stop him!!!" Dib screamed.
"Hey," stated one guard to the other, "isn't this the crazy kid that is sometimes on television screaming about aliens?"
"Yeah, it is," replied the other, "they'd let anybody have a license these days…"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
The line was, as Dib thought it would be, ridiculously long. It seemed even longer wondering if Zim was taking his test yet. Did he already have a license? Dib shuddered trying to get the images out of his head of whatever havoc Zim could be causing at that very moment while he's stuck in this line.
"You're here for the driving test, right?" asked a very monotone voice.
"Yes!" Dib answered, "Yes, I am!" He felt as if he had just seen the light at the end of the tunnel, or was trapped in the desert and hearing that rain was finally to come, or-
"Right this way…"
Forget the metaphors, he had a test to pass.
The test was going quite well. He didn't get a lot of chance to practice because his father didn't have time to take him out driving and the law wouldn't allow the busy scientist to even participate via satellite communication. Literally, they asked.
But Dib is a bright young man, plus he had also piloted spacecrafts, planets turned into spacecrafts… well, I suppose this list could go on for some time.
The instructor didn't seem pleased, of course, but he also didn't seem angry. Dib had heard beforehand that people in this profession have been told to be very neutral. Dib was surprised to realize that he found it to be unnerving.
Never mind that, Dib thought to himself, just focus on the task at hand.
Then it happened. He approached a stoplight and he had to glance at the person driving the car to his right. Zim. Surprisingly, there was no damage done to that vehicle… yet.
Zim looked back at him. Both of their eyes narrowed. The alien smiled a venomous smile as the light turned green and he pushed the gas pedal to go forward.
"What are you doing?" the instructor asked urgently, breaking out of his monotone voice.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" Dib answered, "I'm following that car!" He veered his car out of the left turn lane he was in and into the traffic going through the green light.
Zim smiled victoriously and peered at his rear view mirror. No sign of the Dib-stink's automobile…He will obtain the valuable plastic of vehicle maneuvering rights!!! "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Points off for maniacal laughing." Said the stern instructor in his car who was concentrating on the clipboard in her hands.
"Oh, right. Sorry." Zim said. He only needs to impress this stupid human a little longer, then he can conquer the road, then the world, and then this demanding bag of smelly flesh will be among the mass of his human slaves. He glanced at the rear view mirror again. "Oh no… it's the Dib HYUUMAN!" he pressed firmly on the gas pedal and the vehicle jerked forward.
"Points off for speeding." The instructor stated, still focusing on the clipboard.
"FOOLISH HYUUUMAN!" exclaimed Zim as the vehicle sped up even more.
"I'm just warning you…" Dib's instructor said through his panic attack, "….that you won't pass the test speeding like this."
"Test? What test? Can't you see the human race is at stake?" Dib replied quickly as he glared at the car in front of him and adjusted his speed to try and catch it.
The instructor literally clawed at this window of the vehicle. "WHY DO I ALWAYS GET THE CRAZY ONES?!??!?!"
"I… AM NOT CRAZY!" Dib exclaimed as the vehicle was approaching Zim's on the left.
"Oh no…." Zim frowned. "I cannot allow that worm baby to ruin any more of the INGENIOUS Irken plans…. What to do… Oh, I know!" He spoke into the communicator on his wrist. "Gir!"
"MASTAAAAAAAAH!" Gir squealed back. "Have you…. Uhh… did whatever you were going to do yet?"
"Gir, listen carefully. I need you to… uhh… find the car that the Dib human is driving and… ummm… THROW something at it!" Zim commanded.
"Yaaaaaaaay!" Gir exclaimed as a 'ding' sound was heard in the background, "Just in time for muffins!"
The transmission ended.
"Points off for talking on a cell phone while driving." Stated the instructor.
"SHUT UP, YOU!" Zim hissed. Gir wasn't any good now, what else could the Irken do?
"What the-" began Dib.
"Am I going crazy now?" wondered the instructor.
Dib recognized the insane laughter. "That robot is throwing muffins at us!!! I can't see out the windshield!!!"
CRASH!!
Dib stepped out of the vehicle to survey the damage. He stumbled over a few stray muffins as he reached the front of the vehicle. He glanced at his instructor, who probably actually was insane now, who was too busy proclaiming himself to be the muffin king.
"How am I going to get out of this one?" Dib asked himself. The answer he dreaded dawned on him. "Oh no..."
"Wahahahahahaha!" Zim laughed, as victory was once again his.
"Points off again for insidious laughter" said the stern passenger who still hadn't once looked up from the clipboard.
Suddenly something appeared on the windshield.
"Hiiiiiii Master!" Gir greeted. "Did you like my muffin attack?"
"It was satisfactory, Gir, but MOVE!" Zim swerved the vehicle trying to see around the robot. He could only hear trashcans being smashed and pedestrians around him screaming- sounds he would certainly enjoy hearing if it were currently his intention. "GIIIIIIR!!!!" he yelled as he, like Dib, crashed.
Needless to say, although this whole situation was a pain, both of them managed to get out of the situation relatively unaffected. Dib was able to plead that he is in fact insane and it was officially deemed that he should never be behind the wheel- never mind that anyway, he has a spaceship. Both fortunately and unfortunately, he had a number of people who agreed quickly and wholeheartedly with his claim.
Zim was allowed to go home after people got tired of his insistent rambling about how he does indeed have NORMAL HYUUUUMEN INSHUUUUR-ENCE, that his NORMAL HYUUUUMEEEEN BODY was not damaged, and also that he REALLY loves Earth. "Zim Miz" was also deemed incapable of driving responsibly, so this particular plan of Zim's had to take the back burner until Zim can think of a new brilliant alias.
Yes, indeed, this is another happy ending.
A/N: I just wanted to say that the DMV insanity is based on that of California. And no, it's not 100 accurate.