Author's note: So I've recently finished watching the show and I can't get these guys out of my mind. This takes place sometime after the last episode of the second season.
Disclaimer: I do not own My Mad Fat Diary or any of its characters, though trust me I wish Finn was mine and mine alone.
Shit. Complete and utter shit. Beyond complete and utter shit. That's a summary of the day I've had. First I wake up late, which of course means that I looked worse than my usual shit self. Next, of course, Izzy's sick, Chop's off with the football team, Archie's ditchin' for some unknown reason, and Chloe's no where to be found. But at least I would have my Finn, or so I'd thought.
Phone rang right as I was walkin' out the door. Finn, of course. He'd been gone for the weekend visiting family.
"Sorry, Rae, I'm not back yet. Just thought I'd give you a buzz to let ya know. I'll be back sometime tonight. Love ya." Fuck. Double fuck.
School was no better. I was alone and I could feel the stares drillin' into my back as if I were some kind of zoo exhibit (elephants probably). And then I fell. Some dickhead arsehole decided to stick his foot out to watch the fat girl fall. Oh God, the laughter. No one came to help me. I scrambled to my feet and ran for it. Screamin' on the inside, cryin' on the out. I didn't want to see anybody.
I burst through my front door, tears streamin' down my face and my breath quick from the run. I silently thanked God that mum and Karim and the baby weren't gonna be home 'til tomorrow. I threw my bag down, not bothering to lock the door behind me and bolted up to my room. I didn't want to do anything – didn't want to binge, didn't want to hurt myself, nothing stupid. I sat down on my bed, clutchin' a pillow to my chest. I'd just cry it out.
6:45pm: I'm so much worse.
The voices have come back. I'm starin' at the walls and listenin' to them poke and jab at me with hurtful words, my own words.
Stupid, fat, ugly, hated, worthless, WORTHLESS, WORTHLESS…
No stop, that's not true.
Why d'ya think that boy tripped ya? Why'd everyone laugh? Why d'ya think none of ya "friends" were at school?
Stop.
They hate ya, Rae.
No. The tears are falling hotter and faster now. I squeeze my pillow tighter to my chest. The voices keep talkin', and I start believin' again. The walls start closin' in on me, the blackness edging my vision. It's getting' difficult to breathe…
I want to hurt myself. I can feel the thoughts emerge from the depths of my mind. Everything the voices are sayn' is true. No one wants me, no one loves me, I should just take care of it now.
7:10 pm: The blade is in my hand. It's just in my hand. I haven't done anything with it. I'm still cryin', though harder than ever now. The voices are still eggin' me on and the blackness is still comin' around.
No, no, no, no, no…
Finn.
I have an escape and he's it. I don't have to do anythin' stupid as long as I've got him.
All I have to do is call Finn and everything will be alright. Should be alright. I've slid off my bed by now, abandoning my pillow shield. I reach up for my phone, dial the number by heart, and pray that he's back already. And if he is back, I pray it's him that answers (I don't think I could calm myself enough to speak to one of his parents). The phone rings 4 times before an answer.
"Hello?"
"F-finn," I stammer through tears.
"Rae," he starts, but I don't let him finish.
"P-p-please Finn. I'm s-so sc-scared. I feel like I-I'm gonna do s-somethin' stupid. I wanna hurt myself." I suck in a sharp breath. "H-help me," my voice goes up on the last word and my sobs finally break through.
"Rae. Rae, listen to me," his voice is demanding and urgent, "I'm comin', I promise. It'll be just a few minutes, I swear, Rae. Just stay where you are, okay? Don't do anything, don't move. I'll be right there." I don't answer, and just wait 'til he hangs up. I feel like shit for puttin' him through this. I'm a terrible girlfriend. I look at the clock. 7:16. I lay myself fully down on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. The darkness is so close to consuming me. I close my eyes.
I hear my name. It sounds distant and fuzzy, but it's definitely my name. I open my eyes. My world is still black, but as the voice calling my name gets clearer there's a break in the black. A tiny beam of light shines its way through.
"Rae!" It's Finn, my beautiful boy. The darkness clears as my beam of light rushes into my room and to my side. I glance at the clock. 7:19. His hands touch my face. I look up at him. His forehead and neck are drenched in sweat, the neckline of his tee soaked (which were I not in such a state would turn me on to no end).
He looks so worried, which makes me feel like shit. He rearranges the 2 of us, pulling me half onto his lap. I grip onto him as if he were my only way to survive – which was mostly true at this point in time. I bawl like a stupid baby into his chest. He wraps one arm around my waist and stokes my hair with his other hand. I feel so shitty for doin' this to him. I choke out apologies between sobs as he kisses away my tears.
"No, don't'," he says between kisses. I know he doesn't mind doin' this, more than doesn't mind really. He holds me until I've cried myself dry. The clock says 7:43.
Finn presses his lips to my forehead and hugs me tight. When his grip loosens, I pull my face away from his chest, his shirt now soaked with my tears. He's lookin' at me with such worry and love in his eyes. What I did to deserve this wonderful, beautiful boy I'll never know.
"Sorry," I say, my voice hoarse from cryin'. His hand comes up to stroke my cheek. He shakes his head slightly.
"Don't apologize, Rae," he says. For that I want to apologize – pathetic really, wantin' to apologize for apologizin'. I lean into his touch and close my eyes. He pulls my head against his chest. I settle on thanking him and in response he plants another kiss on the top of my head. We sit in silence for a few minutes. My breathing has finally steadied.
"Why don't we move to the bed, yeah?" Finn asks. He's looking down at me. I look up into those sweet eyes and nod. He pulls me onto my feet and lays me gently on the bed. He then settles down next to me. I'm on my back, he's on his side. He drapes his left arm across my body and strokes my hand.
"Stay with me?" I know he's not leavin' anytime soon but I can't help but let the words slip out of my mouth. He smiles.
"As long as you need me." I smile slightly; he'll have to stay forever then. He leans down and presses his lips to mine. It's a soft kiss, but it shows me a glimpse of just how much love he has inside him. When we part, he lays his head down on my shoulder.
I stop his arm and trace.
I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U-F-I-N-N.
He traces back.
I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U-R-A-E.
We fall asleep that way and I know everything will be okay as long as Finn is my beam of light through the dark.
Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think if you feel so compelled.