Title; Bittersweet

Author; Tarklovishki

Pairings; Dean/Castiel background Sam/Sarah, John Mary.

Rating; NC-17

Warnings/Spoilers; No spoilers. Early character death.

Summary; Castiel left Lawrence to go to college and pursue his dream, with the intentions of coming back as someone bigger and better than before, forcing him to end his three year relationship with Dean. Two years later, pressing the on button on his TV sends him back when he learns that Dean's been badly injured in a car accident that took the life of his twin brother Jensen.

Bittersweet

Prologue

Standing in front of the kitchen window, basking in the warmth of the sunlight, Dean tried to ignore the heavy feeling in his chest to no avail. He couldn't stop thinking about it. Ever since Castiel told Dean he'd gotten accepted into Stanford, he'd been thinking.

He couldn't force Castiel to stay in the relationship. Long-distance relationships never quite worked out anyway. Besides, what if Castiel found someone in college that made him happier than what Dean ever could? He couldn't cut off Castiel's options like that. No, he had to let Castiel go.

Dean knew that being single wasn't going to be easy; the relationship was three years old, almost four. Waking up to an empty phone, checking for texts on his phone that wouldn't be there, making space in the shower for a man who wasn't going to be joining him—it was going to be a big adjustment.

He had to try, though; for Castiel.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Jensen asked, standing in the kitchen doorway with a grim expression on his face. Dean had told him his plans, and naturally Jensen had tried to talk him out of it. Sam, too, when he'd heard through Jensen. "There's no going back if you break up with him."

"You never know. He might come back after he graduates."

"He might not, too," said Jensen. He hesitated. "Just. Just think about it, okay?"

Dean shook his head. "I've done enough thinking. I've made up my mind."

Sounding defeated, Jensen said, "I just don't want you to get hurt, that's all."

"Yeah, and I appreciate that, but this isn't about me. It's about Cas."

A tiny smile tugged at the corners of Jensen's lips. "With you, everything is about him." He crossed the distance between them, placing a gentle hand on Dean's shoulder. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

Dean could understand and appreciate where Jensen's concern came from. If the situations were reversed, he knew he'd be doing the same thing. Yet trying to convince him not to break up with Castiel only assured him more that he was doing the right thing, and it irritated him to no end.

"Yes," he said exasperatedly, putting as much emphasis on the word as he could. "Now could you go annoy Sammy? The little munchkin's trying to do his homework."

"He's not that little any more," said Jensen, amused.

"Still a few inches shorter than us," said Dean off-handedly. "That's still little."

Jensen huffed out a laugh, choosing not to reply as he left the kitchen, calling Sam's name as he went.

Taking a deep breath, Dean fished his phone out of his pocket and called Castiel. It went straight to voice mail, so he hung up and left a text message.

Meet me at our secret place ASAP. We need to talk. Love Dean.

He drove out to the small shack out in the middle of nowhere that he and Castiel had found a year before they got together. It hadn't been structurally sound back then, but they'd made a habit of fixing it up whenever they could. Nobody else knew where it was, so it had been a perfect spot to hang out.

Dean felt older, wiser, when he pushed open the door that squeaked so loudly it practically screamed, scanning the inside of the dilapidated, dusty shack that had seen nearly as much of his sex life with Castiel than either of their bedrooms had combined. There were still cigarette butts and beer bottles strewn around the place back when he and Castiel were teenagers being a little rebellious, trying a few things out.

After today, Dean didn't think he'd come back here. It wouldn't be the same. This shack had always been meant for two people; himself and Castiel. Never the one.

He didn't know how long he stayed there, searching around this place for old memories he'd sub-consciously buried. Didn't have the heart to check his watch or his phone, because he'd entered into a bubble where time didn't exist or matter. He just wanted to freeze time and curl up into a ball to stay here forever and never have worry about letting people go.

"Hello, Dean." The uncertainly spoken words penetrated the haze that clouded Dean's mind like a bullet. Castiel hovered by the door, like he wasn't sure if he was allowed to come in or not. "You said you wanted to talk?" From his tone of voice, Dean knew that Castiel knew exactly what he wanted to talk about.

"Yeah," he said numbly. "Come inside."

Castiel did so, a grimace pulling at the corners of his lips as if he'd attempted a smile and failed. Glass from a broken beer bottle crunched underneath his boot.

"I have a hunch. I think I know what you are going say," said Castiel sadly. "Ever since I told you I got accepted into college, you've been thinking about it, haven't you?"

"Kind of hard not to, isn't it?" Dean replied. "I mean, you're going across country. You said it yourself a year ago; you wouldn't want to try a long distance relationship because they never work out."

"You could always come with me," Castiel suggested.

"I can't do that and you know it. My home is here. What kind of life would I have in California?"

But Dean wished that packing up his stuff and going with Castiel was that easy. Maybe in a few years he would be able to leave, when he figured out what he wanted to do. All his life he had been trying to choose between his dream jobs; fire-fighter, police officer or mechanic. He wasn't like Castiel, who seemed to be born with the knowledge of what he wanted to be when he got older.

Castiel dropped his gaze, scuffing the toe of his shoe into the floor.

"Yeah, I know." He took a deep breath. "So I guess this is goodbye, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess so." Dean buried his shaking hands into his pockets. "But it doesn't have to be forever, okay? When you graduate, and you feel like coming back, I'll be here."

Castiel smiled and nodded. "I'll definitely keep that in mind."

They were finally going their different directions after years of being inseparable. Dean's heart pumped painfully in his chest.

Castiel cleared his throat loudly. Looking uncomfortable, he extended his hand. "Goodbye Dean."

Dean took the offered hand, using it to yank Castiel close for what would be their last kiss in a long while. He clutched at Castiel like a drowning man would clutch to a life-line, wishing he never had to let go. When they parted, tears were streaming down their faces.

"Goodbye, Cas," said Dean.

He watched Castiel leave that day, taking his heart along with him.

That was the last time they saw each other in two years.