A/N: Takes place at the beginning of S1Ep21: 'Salvation'. Unbeta'd, and very much raw. Been watching the first season, as it's been a while. I've written two others, but this one is the least sucky. Though I might just post the others, if coerced.
Summary: --'It's a strange thing, when we first see our parents as people in their own right. What Dean sees is a man... lost.'-- Dean thinks about his dad at the beginning of 'Salvation'.
Seeing
It's a strange thing, when we first see our parents as people in their own right. Who they were before they were attached to us. The John that Sam and Dean are catching a glimpse of; the person he is, separate from them.
They've seen him for most of their lives. But, Dean thinks, maybe they've never truly seen him until now. It's always been the status quo. Things are as they are, and they're never any different. Hunt bad things, kill bad things, save people, move on. It never really seemed like it was going anywhere before. Never seemed like it could be close enough to grasp.
And he watches his father now, telling he and Sam how he wishes their mother were alive. How he wants that, more than anything. He wants Sam to go to school, and Dean... he wants Dean to have a home. In a strange, wrenching way, it kind of hurts to hear it. His deepest, truest wish (a thing he'd only ever admitted to Sam in a moment of frustrating weakness and incredible doubt) laid bare before them all.
But in between these thoughts lurks a feeling of relief, brought on by understanding. It sweeps through him as he stands, gently swaying under the weight of it all. He watches his father moving fast, rushing to the end of the journey. He watches, in awe of what he sees. A man (just a man), broken by time and pain and life, and the things he wants but can't have. A man moving through moments at break-neck speed, only stopping to come up for air when he runs out of gas. A person at the end of his rope, and ready to hang himself with it if it would save the world, and the people he loves most along with it.
What Dean sees is a man... lost.
The earth spins in time to the beat of his heart. Years pass before his eyes, untethered from the perspective of someone standing too close. Events twist sharply into focus, careening through ideas he once had and leaving clarity behind in the wreckage.
It's a strange thing, a painful and wonderful thing, to finally see his father as a human being.