Ok, I know this is gonna get a few raised eyebrows, but the idea has been eating away at me for a long time, so, I thought I'd start this. I really think that as far as Natsuki was concerned, I could really see this happening. I don't know how long this will be, but I have a feeling the chapters are going to be short...the actual length of the fiction remains to be seen, although, I do have the outline already done. It could be done in a few chapters (minimum of five/ max like seven), or it could be drawn out into a long story with even more plot, but I guess it'll just depend on if this gets a lot of fans or not. Reader base, you guys have the option to decide! :P

I've never done something quite like this before.

I don't own Mai HiME

Chapter 1: Don't Misunderstand.

Shizuru...I'm sorry I really am. I never meant for this to get so out of hand. I regret what I said. It wasn't that I was lying or anything...no...it was more like I was telling you a truth I kept hidden within me. Do you remember what I told you that day? Do you remember the hurtful thing I said? I told you that I could not return your love. I was stupid, saying it that way was just dumb. The truth is, I really don't know if I can or not, Shizuru. The thing is, I just don't get...gods this is like confessing to a brick wall...why am I even doing things this way? I probably look like a nut job. Excellent...

Anyway, I don't think loving another girl is wrong or anything...I wouldn't want you thinking like that. I do like you. I just don't have an attraction towards you the way you do me. No! Wrong! Ok, not how I meant to say that, but...um...Jesus this is hard. I don't have feelings in a physical light. I mean, I might, but they've never been awakened? No, that's not right either. Shizuru, you've fallen in love with an idiot! Look, this is just really hard for me to say. I know I'll never say this right, so I'll just say it. Take it for what it is, and not hidden meanings or hateful conclusions. don't try and think, just listen, ok? Please? i don't want you misreading anything.

Take it as is it, a sort of confession that I'll never be able to say the best way. This...is hard. It's not that I don't want to make you happy. I do. I really do, because you are my most important person. It's just...Shizuru, I don't hate you. I want the love you give me, and part of it I can accept. Should I stop beating around the bush? I guess so...I just don't know how I can say it.

Being blunt is the best way...
Just please, please don't laugh.
Don't hate me either.
I'm trying to be serous, and even now, I'm scared.
Shizuru...I'm...like...in that way...I just...uh...
I'm different.
At least, I think I am.
I don't really know.
I'm still exploring that part of myself.

I can return the love you give me on an emotional level. I know I can, and I want to share my heart with you...but...will it be enough? I just don't know. Honestly. That worries me. I know I blush when you tease me, and we have kissed a few times. That type of thing...it doesn't bother me a whole lot. I mean, kissing I can do...I guess, but, Shizuru...I'm afraid you may want more than that. That's what I mean. I can't return the lust you have for me, the needs you've got hidden within you. I just don't think I can return that. I'm sorry. Shizuru, I wish I could give you more... right now though, I need time and space. I need to figure things out. I've never really known what love is, not fully, until I met you. But now that I know the feeling, I wonder...could you possibly love me...the side of me I've never spoken about? The fears, the hangups? I've got so many...

You aren't the only one with sins, Shizuru. It's just, yours are seen outwardly, they are things you feel can never be forgiven. Mine, I can move past, but that doesn't mean you would have the type of love you want. I just don't know if I can give that. At least, not the way you want it...if it is any token prize though, you are the light in my life, and...the feeling in my heart, it transcends any and all physical boundaries. I just wish I could tell you this Shizuru, so that maybe, you could understand.

Vocal journals became a sort of reflection. One could speak mindlessly and then listen at it again later. Natsuki needed that. After the carnival she had bought herself a laptop, one for personal use. She didn't do much with it, but her vocal journals were something she did when she was alone. On sleepless nights, like tonight, she would listen. Looking back on the things she had said, she knew there wasn't really any progress being made. It wasn't as if she expected it or anything. She was who she was. It was that easy. One of her earliest recordings wasn't exactly a lie, but Natsuki couldn't say it was a truth either. She didn't have a way to identify herself, not that she'd ever been good with her feelings anyway. She shook her head when the first one completed. She opened her save files, looking for a slightly later entry. Finding it underneath a long list of random spoken files. All of them were hers.

She found it easier hearing hard truths when it was her own voice saying them. She couldn't yell at herself, blame herself for rude comments or off color replies. If a topic was embarrassing, she knew it was only her and the microphone. Her and her own mind building up the conversations she wished she could have. Her first plan, was that she would give these to Shizuru later. After a few months, she had many to pick from, and seemingly not enough time in the day for a choice. She didn't want to edit them either. Her improvisation made it seem like her, the real her. The person who didn't have all the answers, fumbled over words, blushed out of many emotions. Natsuki wanted it to be real, every last flawed word of it.

Her voice came on again, and she became still as she studied the next recording.

I think, after further internet searching, I'm what's called an...Asexual? Is that it? I don't know, but it seems like it. I mean I could be wrong, I don't really know for sure. I've looked some things up online, but you know me, I'm an idiot. I can't figure something like that out. If the people I cared about could hear this, then they might be able to help me. It's just, do I want help? No, can't say that I do. I've always gone at my own pace. Everything I've ever done in my life is because I wanted to do it. It just takes time. I honestly don't care what I am, as long as I don't have to do any weird battling anymore. I guess searching for the answers is just making it worse. I wish Mai, or Shizuru knew me, like ya know, knew the problem. It isn't really anything I want to talk about...

Is it even a problem? God, I'm so dense, and I know I am. But you'd think I would know something like this. All I know is...I don't want to be alone anymore. Is this love I'm feeling, Shizuru? I wish you could tell me... I'm afraid too. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to wonder if I've done the right thing. Will you think something is wrong with me? You aren't the only one in this...It's just, I'm the one who should be blamed. If I had come out and said all of this, would it be different? Please, if I ever do, don't tease me about it. I'm a walking embarrassment enough as it is. You know I've never really liked talking about this kind of stuff in the first place.

"Shizuru..." Natsuki sighed as she closed down her computer, removing her headset and hiding inside her desk drawer. The girl had been on her mind ever since the carnival. Shizuru was a wonderful person. Natsuki would never deny that. She could kick herself all she wanted, but no matter what she did, she remained confused. She wanted to be near Shizuru, wanted to cuddle, hold her closely. Natsuki couldn't deny that she wanted to protect Shizuru through the cold nights, and also, feel that warmth returned. She didn't mind hugging her, the few kisses they had shared were soft, any normal person would have felt their heart flutter. Natsuki wasn't one for much affection, but...she still needed Shizuru. She needed her. She still wanted to wine and dine her...she just didn't want to have sex. Or anything eluding to any sort of bedroom frolic.

The two were on rocky ground. It was even more complex as the days when on. Shizuru honestly thought Natsuki couldn't return her love. She could, and would willingly. Just, not past a particular point. Natsuki hadn't even a name for this oddity until she had been fidgeting around on the internet. That was when she found out there were others like her. Others who wanted romance, just not with everything it entailed. There were others out there who needed the emotional attachment. She wasn't any different. Walking over to her dilapidated sofa, she plopped down, ignoring some of the fluff that went flying. It was going to be another long, cold, and sleepless night. That was the worst kind.

She turned, looking at her picture frame, one taken during the school year. Shizuru was clinging, once again. Natsuki was blushing and yelling, as she always did. She hated pictures. What made it worse was that damned pink dress. It should have been burned. That's what she thought. That was another emotional issue for her, not that she would ever say it. Natsuki liked provocative underwear. She loved the frilly stuff, the kind that made most people in the mood. She saw it rather as a form of art. Scant clothing didn't have to mean sex, far from it actually. She could not deny, she too enjoyed looking at a person who released themselves of their inward chains. The underwear however, was as far as it ever went. The damnable dress was hell, but so was the school uniform, or anything else that was femmine.

She felt weird in skirts, dresses were mostly out of the question, and only when hell froze over, would she wear any makeup. She just liked guy things better. She didn't ever want to be a dude, and took offense to the term "butch" remembering that Nao used that term often. Was is so bad she would rather be comfortable instead of always watching where her legs went? She, personally, didn't think so. In reflection of those days, Shizuru's crush was very obvious. Not that it had been at the time. Now though, Natsuki wondered why she hadn't seen it before. Her bed was cold, the covers were hot... she was a mess tonight. Her mind jumbled with so many confusing feelings.

She wouldn't find sleep here. In fact, she never found sleep here anymore. She shared a dorm with Mai and Mikoto. They were nice enough, but she envied them their position. They didn't do anything weird...but they had each other. She wanted that too, and inwardly she grumbled at the sight of Mikoto in her normal position. Natsuki didn't exactly want her face in someone's chest like that, but she couldn't deny, she wished someone would accept her, and the limits she couldn't go past. Pattering over to the kitchenette, she got a drink of water, and then eyed Mai. The redhead always took care of Mikoto, always offered her enough.

Her loud sighing and moping around hadn't gone unnoticed. The green eyed monster made Natsuki a rather loud person in the dead of night. "Can't sleep?" Mai cracked one eye open. "You'll never pass the exams coming up if you don't at least try." Natsuki didn't answer. She'd rather not wake up Mikoto, it was bad enough the red head had caught her. She walked back over to her bed sitting down. Mai rolled her eyes. "Natsuki, you can sleep over here if you want. You don't have to stay in the corner like that."

Puppy like confusion hit Natsuki before her embarrassment took over. Her eyes slamming shut. "Who said I wanted to sleep over there? I'm fine right where I am." She turned facing the wall, trying to fight off her blush. Just because she wasn't interested in particular things didn't mean she forwent the implications. "I swear, just go back to sleep." Her mind could be just as dirty, she just didn't like when it got that way. It felt wrong. She bristled at the fact that someone would actually want something like that. She wasn't overly lewd, what others did in their own time was fine and dandy...just just didn't want that near her. The teasing made things worse. They thought her shy, and she was...kind of, she could admit that. "Besides, the bed is full..." The last part was quiet, but Mai heard it regardless.

"Why are you always such a pain in the butt." It was a statement. Natsuki grated on her nerves more times than not now that they were roommates. Mai knew waking Mikoto was about as likely as finding an alligator in the refrigerator. Nearly Impossible. The girl slept through much worse than a simple conversation. "Look, do what you want, but really Natsuki, one more won't hurt."

It was quiet in the room after that. Mai closed her eyes and waited. It only took a few minuets of fidgeting before she felt a warmth near her back. Natsuki was lying next to her again, and had been making a habit of it when she thought Mai was asleep. Natsuki was out like a light, easily, causing the redhead to chuckle. "Idiot..." Mai...she was the only one who knew. Mikoto didn't understand the situation, and Natsuki wasn't willing to talk about it with anyone. She was lonely though, and afraid. The Carnival may have been over, but the scars still remained. If that wasn't enough, Natsuki was rough as it was. She hadn't any real parents for most of her life, no siblings that constantly bugged her, no aunts or uncles that she could call for moral support. Nothing. It wasn't any wonder Mai had fallen into the role, acting as the only real support Natsuki had. "If you'd stop being so stubborn, then perhaps we could all sleep."

Sleep. It sounded wonderful. After all, Mai did have exams the next day.

The next day was boring for Natsuki. She may have had to repeat the year, but she only had to do a few of her classes, leaving the rest of her day for electives, which she blew off. After her first three classes she found herself free from school while the others still studied hard. Walking aimlessly was always a bad idea when she was doing it. She was so used too recording herself, that on occasion she would speak out loud, forgetting her voice wasn't being recorded. It often earned her many odd looks. She continued walking without any reason at all, finally ending up at the dorms Shizuru was currently staying in.

She knocked on the door, her eyes filled with confusion. Why was she here now of all times? Natsuki couldn't be sure. She knew Shizuru had classes until early early afternoon and then a few more in the evening. Sighing she placed her key into the lock, allowing herself in. she took off her shoes and the orange annoyance the school considered a jacket. Her white hooded shirt kept her warm enough. After that she sat down on the sofa, she really didn't know why, but she wanted to be here. She wanted to wait for Shizuru. She didn't know if she wanted to confess her inner most thoughts, her deepest worries, or to merely sit in the company of her most dearest one. She wasn't sure if she was ready or not. She just wished Shizuru would come home soon. "I'm tired of being alone..."

-More to come.-

Well, I honestly haven't seen this idea before, so we're going to test it out. Tell me what you think of this idea, since I honestly don't know if it will gain an interest or not. I just thought it would be a new way to view Natsuki, that's all.