Broken and Crushed
The sky overhead was slowly turning from its deep purple to the pitch black that matched how he felt that night; broken and crushed and left to nothing. Random bright specks gradually started to light the empty mass of heaven above. His back was set against the trunk of a large tree and his knees were brought up to his chest while his face was buried in-between. He let out a huge sigh and brought his head back up to meet with the tree trunk. A silent tear fell down his cheek while his eyes turned up to gaze into the night sky.
His mind kept racing, but his thoughts were always about her; how she broke his heart, how she left him there and how she didn't seem to care. All he could really think about is why she would do this to him and why it had to have been her out of all people.
Eight months ago, near the end of their sixth year, he made a proposition for her. They would have a relationship that would be solely based on pleasure and passion from sex. He needed someone to fulfill his cravings and satisfy his raging feelings; just a temporary setting for the year, nothing else. She also needed to occupy her mind from thinking about her nasty breakup with Krum. This arrangement had been planned out and both of them had agreed upon it. There were to be no feelings involved with each other, and most importantly; no falling in love. That was the main rule.
A Malfoy was never supposed to have feelings for someone so inferior to them and so this set-up of theirs would be perfect. That little Mudblood meant nothing to him and was no more than just his toy and sex slave, to carry out his desires. Then again, a Gryffindor was never supposed to give a damn about a Slytherin. So in both of their parts, they knew it would be easy to just focus on what they needed.
They quickly found out how wrong they both were.
At least Draco found out how hard it was to not fall in love with her. In his eyes, she was perfect; an angel that fell from the sky and graced him with her presence. He couldn't resist looking at those succulent lips that moved ever so gracefully when she talked. Her long curls could never stay untouched, for he loved the way her hair would feel in between his fingers. Skin as soft as hers was never thought imaginable and her curves were so gentle, but could make a man beg to slowly run his hands down her sides. And those eyes; just one look into them and he would be lost forever.
He had never noticed before, but he found something warming in the way she walked and talked. She always seemed to have this confidence and certain air around her that made him jealous. Just from a small conversation with her would make anyone's worst day hastily forgotten. At the same time he envied her, but also loved her for it.
Her smile was another story. Just a single flash of her meaningful smile would make his heart melt, even if it wasn't directed towards him. She was so beautiful when she looked at him with that certain grin. But then again, she always was beautiful.
Even though he was second in the class according to grades, he was also jealous of her intelligence. She was ahead of him by taking the first position, but he still had a long way to go to reach her amount of knowledge. Her constant persistence in school work seemed to turn him on. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but there was something in the way her face would scrunch up when her mind was lost into a book, and that made him wonder what she was thinking.
No one could begin to imagine when he started having these feelings for her, but it gradually kept on building. He could never tell her how he felt because then it would have meant that he broke the one barrier that never should have been crossed. And what was to say that she would even feel the same? She was very smart and could find a way to control her feelings if they ever got out of hand.
His mind once again set on what had taken place earlier that evening.
There was still another hour before dinner was to be served in the Great Hall, just enough time to get a good shag in. Hermione seductively led Draco into an empty classroom on the fifth floor.
She pushed Draco up against the wall with force and hungrily pushed her lips onto his. She took her arms away from the wall and slid them up his shirt, as she also pleaded for entry into his mouth. He quickly gave in and their tongues collided. He tried to push away as if he didn't want to do this, but she wouldn't let him go.
"Hermione, stop, I need to talk to you," he tried saying in between her forceful kisses.
"Malfoy, what could you possibly have to say at a time like this?" She replied with sultry still in her voice as she broke away from his neck.
Draco took his left hand and pushed a random strand of brown curly hair behind her ear while looking deeply into her amber eyes. His hand came to rest on her cheek and he gently pulled her face towards his and gave her the most sincere kiss. He then whispered something so low that she could barely hear him.
"Sorry I couldn't quite hear you." She knew exactly what he said, but wasn't sure if she heard the right words.
"I love you." He said a bit louder, but still in a whisper.
"No. No… Don't say that. You can't say that," she stammered while gradually backing away and slowly shaking her head.
A small frown started to take place over where a smile had once been on his face. "And why can't I say that I love you?" He asked with slight confusion, even though he knew the answer.
"Malfoy, you know very well why you can't. That was the first rule we agreed upon; no falling in love. Either way you can't possibly mean it, you have no idea what love is." He could sense and feel the fear in her eyes.
"How do you know if I can't feel love and know what it is?" He was starting to get angry. "Just because my father and mother never showed any kindness towards me and only showed me the path of hate, doesn't mean that I can't feel something so strong."
"I'm sorry but that's not what I meant. But you still broke the rule you made. You weren't supposed to cross that line, and now what do you expect me to do about this?"
"You could tell me you love me back…" He said this more to himself, but then noticed the shock on her face.
"I… I can't do that."
"Hermione, please; I know you better than that. I notice the way you look at me, and when you touch me…" He started getting closer to her, trying to make her realize the truth. "…I can feel that you want me. The way you look at me isn't filled with hate anymore. Sometimes I can see straight into your soul, into your heart just from looking at your eyes. I know we made a rule, but rules were meant to be broken. So take a chance and cross this line with me, I love you Hermione." He was practically begging her to give into her feelings.
"I…I don't love you Draco," she said in the lowest possible whisper before she bolted through the door.
He could still feel his heart shattering into a million broken pieces on the floor. Lying against that tree in the cold night, his tears just started to flow out once again; he couldn't take it anymore. For once in his life he had opened his heart up to someone, but to someone who didn't love him back. At least that's what she had told him.
Somewhere deep in his heart he knew that she was keeping her true feelings away from him. He knew that she had been hurt before, hurt and betrayed by someone she loved. Maybe she didn't want to go through that pain again. But he was different; he would never let her go.
His body dropped from the tree trunk and he lay buried in the cold winter snow. Even though it was about a foot thick, he couldn't feel the coldness from the wet ground; he was numb enough already. If his heart couldn't feel real enough then neither could the rest of him. Subconsciously his arms and legs had made an angel in the snow, an angel that had fallen from the sky.
Draco had some sort of feeling that he knew Hermione would be the one for him. Why else would he dream of her every night and think about her every day? Why else would her hand fit perfectly into his? Why else would she be the perfect size to fit inside of his arms?
He just didn't understand.
All he could think of now was their last conversation, right after dinner.
Draco was lying down on the couch that faced the fireplace in their common room. He stared blankly into the fire while those same words repeated in his head over and over again. 'I don't love you Draco.' He just couldn't understand why out of all times, she called him by his first name. She had never called him that, but always resorted to call him Malfoy; even when she would scream his name out when she came to her climax during their nights of passion.
That night he skipped dinner due to the loss of appetite and sat there for an hour waiting for her to come back. He had to talk to her, to at least know exactly what she meant by 'I don't love you.' Did she love someone else, but just use him for sex? Or did she just not get attached like he did? Maybe, could she be hiding her true feelings?
Just then the portrait swung open and his angel walked in through it. He shot right up and sat there, staring at her beautiful grace.
"Hermione, I need to talk to you," he spat out.
"I have nothing else to say to you Malfoy," she said without stopping in her tracks to reach her room.
He then got up off of the couch and went to her, spinning her around. A kiss from his lips gently touched hers. Surprisingly enough she never backed out of it. Her face slowly pulled away, and he looked into her eyes while he let go of her arm and wrapped his own arms around her waist. Indeed it was a perfect fit. She then took her hand and cupped his left cheek with it and slowly caressed it. Draco's eyes closed to feel the warmth and softness of her skin.
"I just really wish I could believe you love me," she said somewhat below a whisper.
Before Draco had a chance to say something back, she took hold of his neck and pulled him in for a kiss, a deep and ravenous kiss. She bit on his lower lip, as she knew this would only turn him on quicker. Without giving it a second thought, his lips parted and she slipped her tongue in. After they battled for dominance, Draco unwillingly parted with her.
"Why can't you believe that I truly love you?" He then moved his mouth to her neck and tenderly placed kisses on every inch of skin.
"Because I thought Malfoys weren't supposed to break their promises," she replied while trying still trying to keep a hold of her breath.
Draco quickly let his grasp on her neck go from the shock of hearing her last statement. "You of all people should know that I don't follow along with all the Malfoy, pureblood bullshit anymore."
She took a hold of his hands around her waist, and pulled his arms away from her. She looked pleadingly into his eyes, begging for him to hear her out and then led them both to sit on the couch.
"Draco, listen. This wasn't supposed to happen, and you know that. You are an amazing guy and I've come to know the real you, the side of you that has a heart. Boys like you are rare to come by." Her eyes started to water and Draco cupped her cheek with his hand. She took his hand in hers, and pried it off her face. "Even though I am being open, don't let this get to your head. You have a great heart, and one day a special and wonderful woman will get to experience that. All of our moments have been great; all the times in the classrooms, hidden in your room, and out on the lawn. But these grass stains on my jeans don't mean a thing. None of it means anything." She couldn't hold it in anymore and tears forcefully fell from her golden eyes.
"Hermione…" He started, but was hopelessly stopped.
"Draco, don't. It's tearing me apart to do this to you, because I know it's breaking your heart, but this can't go on. We've been doing this for almost eight months now, and the holiday break starts tomorrow and maybe these few weeks will be good so you can get your head on straight. I know you're going home, so maybe seeing your family again will make you see that these feelings for me can't happen."
"I couldn't give a flying fuck what my father thinks. I'm of age now and it's time I start thinking for myself," he interrupted her again.
"It's great that you're finally starting to see the right way, but trust me when I say that I'm not worth all the troubles I will cause, Draco; I promise you."
He stood up and stared into her eyes intently and made sure that she saw the hurt reflecting in the specks from his gaze. "That's where you're mistaken…" And he walked out of their common room.
After reminiscing in his thoughts from the day's events, he came to an epiphany; he had to do something about all of this. His problems would unquestionably get worse, but everything would turn out to be okay as long as he got a chance to prove everything to her.
Prove that he loved her.
Prove that she loved him back.
Prove that she was indeed worth all the troubles in the world.
He had to come up with a plan as soon as he could because the train back to King's Cross for the holidays would leave tomorrow after lunch. He had to hurry, but also make sure that his plan wouldn't take a turn for the worse and leave him in a stickier situation.
Ideas, thoughts, and memories flowed in and out of his mind quickly, but never lingered long enough to formulate a full plan. He had pieces to a puzzle that just couldn't be put back together at the moment. Everything had to be perfect; after all, this was Hermione he was trying to please. She is too intelligent to be fooled and he didn't want to mess with her emotions anymore.
Finally he came up with the perfect idea. He would have to start it now before it would be too late. He carefully lifted himself up out of the snow and turned around in his spot to look down at the ground and noticed the snow angel he had made. It was perfect. Every single spot was even and it was perfectly symmetrical. It was beautiful, just like her.
He walked around it and swiftly made his way back to the castle, trying his hardest not make a ruckus to get himself a spot in detention. Even though he didn't have a curfew, he was still not allowed to be out of the castle. Making his way to the statue that guarded the Heads' Common Room, he was starting to become worried if Hermione was in there. He didn't want to come in contact with her, not just yet. Hesitantly, he said the password and gradually walked in through the opening and saw that she was no where to be found.
Letting out a deep sigh of relief, he walked up the stairwell that led to his room. He walked in and placed himself into the chair in front of his desk. While thinking about exactly what he would write, he took out some parchment, a bottle of ink, and his eagle feather quill. He stared blankly at the parchment before starting to write:
Mother and Father,
I promise to write everyday and send you both the presents that I have bought for each of you soon. Draco
I know that you both have been expecting to see me for the holidays and I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am to inform you both that I will not be able to return home. Something important has come up here at Hogwarts that I cannot seem to avoid. As you know, I will be taking my NEWTs at the end of the school year and I do not feel as if I am prepared enough. Father, you have always told me that when there is work to be done, it should be done properly. I want to earn 'Outstanding' in all of my subjects of study and I believe that I am a little behind in Herbology. There is no need to inform you how important this subject is in order for me to run that Apothecary I would like to sometime in the future.
He read it over once more to make sure he made his point across and also made sure that he failed to keep up the Malfoy standpoint. He wanted his father to start getting the hint…
Good thing that he doesn't have a curfew because it must have been sometime past one in the morning when he made his way up the stairwell that led to the West Tower. As he reached the owlery, he noticed that his owl wasn't anywhere to be found. Must be out hunting, he thought. He walked towards one of the school's owls and gave it directions to find his own Eagle owl.
Lucius Malfoy would never accept it if Draco sent a letter home with one of Dumbledore's owls. His father was always going on about how his headmaster was a loony crackpot and anything that he laid his hands on was a disgrace. As much as Draco would love to see his father squirm at the sight of a frail school owl, he didn't want to anger him anymore at the moment.
Suddenly, his owl came swooping in through a 'window' directly in front of him and landed on his shoulder.
"Take this to father immediately and wait to see if he sends a response," he said while tying the letter to one of her legs. She gave a tiny hoot that meant she understood his orders. Before she took off, Draco ran a hand through her soft feathers, for the first time taking in how much he actually appreciated his owl.
This was the moment where he would begin to put his plans for Hermione into action. He reached into the pocket of his robes, took out his wand, and muttered a spell. In an instant, a single white rose appeared in the palm of his other hand; the color being an indication of pure love. He looked around the owlery, searching for the perfect owl. His eyes landed on a golden owl that stood out to him; it was flawless and matched the color of Hermione's eyes when she felt at the top of the world.
He whistled for the owl, and it almost instantly came to him and perched on a stand in the middle of the room. His eyes wouldn't remove themselves from the immaculate owl that stood before him as he ran his hand down his back, but keeping the feathers tidy. Finally taking his gaze away, he carefully tied the rose on the owl's clawed foot.
"Take this to Hermione Granger. She is on the fifth floor in the Head's room. Make sure she gets this, and no one else." Without any hesitation, the owl spread its wings and flew through the closest hole in the wall.
He let out a heavy sigh and he finally noticed how tired he really was. In the distance, he heard a clock chime twice, indicating that it was two in the morning. He rushed down the stairs and hurriedly made his way back to his room. Right before he laid himself down on his own bed, he heard a window shut. He knew that Hermione had just received his delivery to her. Without another thought, his heavy eyelids shut themselves.
He was just about to fall asleep when he heard the shuffling of feet and parchment crinkling right outside of his door. He got up so that he was sitting on the edge of his bed and noticed faint rays of illumination leaking in from the underside of his door. He was about to make his way to the door to find out what the commotion was all about, when he noticed something slip into his room.
Obviously it was from Hermione, so he swiftly made his way to pick it up. His hands were trembling with desire, but yet he felt apprehensive about what she had to say. Not wanting to expose the surprise all at once, he closed his eyes while he opened up the folded note. His left eye slowly opened up, and then he finally made way to open his right eye. He hurriedly scanned over the note, and found it hard not faint right then and there. Trying to keep his composure, he read it over once more to make sure his eyes weren't seeing things.
I appreciate the rose you sent and it's an exquisite gesture, but I do know exactly what the white rose symbolizes, pure love and want. Thanks for trying, but I don't think that something so simple will catch my heart. When will you ever realize that an emotional relationship will never work out between the two of us? To everyone else, we are the worst of enemies and none of them even have a clue of what has been happening. We had already broken one rule, the one where we wouldn't let it go past sixth year, and we obviously have passed the closing date for our agreement. Please, just think about the consequences of your actions and how they would affect the world around you.
I will take into consideration everything that you have told me, but just remember I just used you for the sex, just like you had done with me. So don't expect anything to change. Just go home and maybe you can come to a realization as to how stupid this is.
Yep, his vision was unquestionably up to par. Yet another lonely tear slid down his cheek as he noticed that she wasn't going to give into this. He was still determined to do whatever he can to make Hermione his. For the first time in his life he was capable of feeling something other than hatred towards someone, and there was no way that he would let these feelings falter.
With his buildup of courage, he went over to his desk and took out his quill and some parchment and began to write his own letter back to her.
My only love, the rose which I gave you is more than just a gesture but more of a promise. A promise that I will love you until the day that I am buried beneath the earth. A promise that no one will ever love you nearly as much as I do. A promise that you are a princess and nothing beneath that well deserved title. So darling, you were wrong because it is so much more than just simple; it's my heart in visible form.
The question is not whether I will eventually realize it won't work, but when will you realize that it has already has worked. I have known you far too long to know when you are lying straight through your teeth. So when you said that you didn't love me, I noticed the corner of your left eye twitch and the look of repentance in your eyes.
Now I have one question to you; if love has the power to move mountains, then do you not believe that we can convince the world that what we have is real? I'm ready to defeat all of the obstacles in the way of getting to you because I know all of the consequences and I'm prepared to face them all head first. And don't ever say that you are not worth the troubles it will cause, because love, you are the only thing worth giving up everything for.
He skimmed over the letter once more before walking out of his room, and slipping it through the crack of Hermione's door. When he got back to his room, he no longer felt like going to bed. Draco just lay on his bed staring intently at the ceiling, just like he had done two hours ago into the night sky.
Once again he heard the same rustling sound outside of his door and another note popped into view. Without hesitation he raced towards the door and picked it up and read it quickly. He folded the note up and stuck it into his cloak's pocket, and suddenly a huge smile made its way onto his face. With the smile never leaving its place, he jumped into bed, without changing clothes and fell into a deep sleep.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Draco was awakened by a loud pecking at his window. Still half asleep, he got up from the soft velvety sheets of his bed and made his way to the window. The instant he opened it, his owl flew to the top of his desk. Knowing that this was a response from his parents, he cautiously untied the letter from her foot. He handed her a treat before letting her fly back up to the owlery, then unfolded the letter and began to read it.
Son,
This is your mother writing. Your father is not at all pleased from your previous letter. Not only from the disappointing news, but also from the way you have been sounding lately. He thinks that you need to stiffen up and remember to keep your Malfoy backbone. I just hope you keep up in school and work as hard as you need to. Remember that I want you to make something of yourself and not to resort to 'traditional ways.' You know I don't want you to end up like your father.
Always,
Mother
PS. I am glad to see you aren't following in your father's footsteps. Trust me; I've noticed this change in you for quite sometime.
This was an amazing relief for Draco, knowing that his mother was very supportive of him. It had gone better than he had thought. He looked at the clock at the opposite side of his room and noticed that it was 10:30 in the morning. He mentally smacked himself as he realized that he had overslept and needed to be at lunch in an hour.
He made his way to his private bathroom, took a shower and dressed himself in the best clothes he had without overdressing. Taking one last look in the mirror, he sighed as he thought of the next part of his plan. It would be difficult, no doubt, but it had to be done whether he was ready or not. But he definitely was. Still standing in front of the mirror, he reached into his robe's pocket from last night, and read the last note from Hermione once more: If it's what you want, I might not be able to stop you then…
He stood at the door in his room that led to the common room, and kept his ear on it as he listened. Finally it came. Hermione's door opened and he could barely hear her footsteps as she walked down the stairwell. There was a ten second pause and then he heard the entrance that led to the hallway open and then quickly close.
Making his move, he left the room, walked a steady pace, and departed from the common room into the abyss of the castle. He kept his distance from Hermione constant as they made their way to the final big meal of the year in the Great Hall. As soon as she opened the doors to make her late entrance, he picked up his pace and broke out into a jog. Before the doors made their way to close, he slipped through the space and did something no one thought imaginable.
"Hermione…" This made her stop in her tracks and quickly turn around. Suddenly the whole hall went quiet and every single head turned towards the two, even the professors. My plan is working perfectly so far, he thought as he saw her stare into his eyes.
"Please Draco, don't do anything you want to regret," she said in a whisper. He took his time as he walked closer to her and looked back into her eyes.
Unlike Hermione, his voice was loud enough for the whole hall to hear him. "Trust me, just this once when I say I'll never be more ready for anything in my life. I'm ready to prove my love to the world for you, and I don't care who knows it." He could see her eyes well up with tears. "I love you with all of my heart Hermione, and I know you feel the same. Do me one favor; I want you to declare it here, now, in front of everyone."
She couldn't say anything. Her voice was caught in her throat and she could feel the burning of the glares she was receiving from everyone. She knew exactly what she wanted to say to him, but words just escaped her. She looked intently into his eyes and noticed something that had never taken residence there before… affection. Her eyes suddenly changed colors into the bright gold that matched the owl Draco sent to her earlier. He knew what this color meant, and at this point, no words were needed for he suddenly knew she felt the same way.
"I can see it in your eyes Hermione, I know. But are you ready to say it?" He asked low enough so only she could hear.
Without one thought, she nodded and finally said what was meant to say, "I love you too, Draco," and just loud enough to be echoed throughout the room. She quickly wrapped her arms around his neck and gently placed the sweetest kiss upon his tender lips. Draco finally felt at the top of the world, and he smiled into the kiss, and returned the favor by kissing her back.
Draco had crossed every line and stomped over every restriction that he once made himself promise he would never defy; all in the moment he finally professed his true love for her. Hermione also ruined a promise to herself; to never get caught up in this scheme of love again. But all the defenses, rules, and promises didn't matter anymore and these walls she worked hard to build had suddenly been torn down. Broken and crushed, and all it took was one look into each other's eyes…
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I just want to give a note to thanks for everyone who in this process has helped me write this and come up with ideas.