Author's Note: This is my first SVU fanfic, and my first fanfic in probably..3 years, hopefully it doesn't suck too bad :)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, or anything related to law and order cries
Summary: Season 9, Paternity. What if the car had hit Olivia's side? Songfic to Hear You Me. One of my favorite songs.
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"Liv? Thanks"
"No problem."
Olivia Benson smiled awkwardly at the woman next to her. She was now trying to remember why she had agreed to take Elliot's wife to the doctor. What had she been thinking? You know what you were thinking, you were thinking of him. Olivia kept her eyes on the road. Hearing Elliot and Kathy's sappy "I love you's" on speakerphone hadn't really put her in the mood for chit-chat with Kathy. She would never admit why, she never had. She knew why, deep down, but had never let the thought come to the surface until now.
You love him. Stop denying it.
She pulled up to the intersection, brushing the thought out of her mind as it was the one thing she could never think about or admit. She could never think of her partner that way, the consequences were too much.
She looked both ways, pulling out into the intersection. She caught sight of something dark out of the corner of her eye, turned to look, but it was too late. She felt an intense burst of pain, heard herself scream, and then nothing.
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Elliot hung up the phone, staring ahead at the crime scene in front of him, but not seeing anything. He didn't want to admit it, even to himself, that the "I love you's" on the phone had been fake. Yes, he loved her, but not in a way a husband should love his wife. He knew, had it not been for the baby, would they even be back together. He loved her for being the mother of his children, but that was as far as the love went. The other feelings, the feelings of warmth, protectiveness, compassion, and understanding…The feeling that he would do anything in his power to make that person happy, those belonged to someone else. And her alone.
"I'd give you a kidney"
"Not if I gave you mine first"
Every moment he had spent with Olivia over the years, those had been the best moments of his life. He wanted to tell her, he had always wanted to tell her. When he and Kathy had been separated there had been so many times where he came so close to telling her the truth. To pulling her into his arms and never letting go, but he knew she didn't feel the same. How could she? The prospect of being rejected by who he was sure was the love of his life, that wasn't worth the risk of telling her the truth. Maybe someday…
He was brought out of his thoughts by the sound of a car door, and he turned to see Fin who had a grim look on his face.
"Elliot… there's been an accident."
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Elliot burst through the doors of the familiar concrete building. He had been here so many times before, for so many cases, but never had he been this on edge. Fin had told him that Kathy was fine, and had delivered a beautiful healthy baby boy. His son. Elliot had to see it for himself, just to make sure. Fin hadn't said anything about Olivia, but he was sure she was fine. She had to be. She always was.
He found Kathy's room number, and as he walked in he saw Kathy holding a small bundle, and smiling. His shoulders relaxed as he looked down at Kathy and his newborn son, thankful that they were alive, and unharmed. He smiled down at Kathy,
"He's perfect." He whispered, holding the small bundle before giving him back to Kathy, "Where's Olivia?"
Kathy bit her lip and her face paled. "Elliot…" She reached out for him.
That look, that was all Elliot needed, and he ran out of the room.
There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that
'thought I might get one more chance
He took the elevator to the next floor up, thoughts racing through his head. She's ok, she's ok. She has to be. Kathy is ok, why wouldn't she be ok? The doors opened, and he was relieved to see Cragen walking out of what looked to be a patient's room.
"Captain! Olivia, where is she? I need to see her."
"Elliot…"
"Where is she?!" He started to move past Cragen, but Cragen grabbed his shoulders and looked at him, his words coming out slowly, "Elliot…she's gone."
Elliot stumbled backwards. His head spinning, he felt dizzy all of a sudden. He shook his head. "No…she's not…she has to be…you don't understand."
Cragen looked at his best detective with tears in his eyes, "I'm sorry Elliot."
What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
Elliot couldn't hear anything except the pounding in his ears. He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't hear his own footsteps as he ran from Cragen, couldn't hear Munch or Casey telling him to come back. He ran until he reached a deserted restroom. His happiness of having a healthy son diminished. He couldn't remember anything anymore, couldn't remember Kathy, or his new son, all he could remember was Olivia, sweet Olivia…and he had never told her the truth about how he felt. He had meant to, someday, but now it was too late. If only he hadn't gotten too involved in the case, then Olivia would still be alive, and he would still have that chance. He'd still have her glowing presence, her sparkling smile, her chocolate brown eyes to keep him going. She was worth so much more to him than he was ever worth to himself…
"You had to choose between saving the little boy or saving Olivia."
"Yeah, but she didn't need me."
" You didn't know that."
" I wish I didn't …"
" Didn't what? Didn't ... care so much?"
Elliot felt his fist slam against the cold hard tile, he couldn't feel the pain. He slid down the wall, head between his knees. Defeated.
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
Any good qualities he had still possessed, they had been because of her, and were now gone with her. No matter what went on at home with Kathy, he always had Olivia. He had always needed her. She had been the constant in his life. His rock to lean on when he had no one else. She was the one thing in his life he could always count on, the one thing he had to hold onto that wouldn't desert him. Their friendship..9 years. Was that how long he had loved her? He couldn't remember not loving her. All the glances, the laughs, it had all meant something. He had loved her all along, and no matter how much he tried to deny it, he knew it was too late. Liv…Please. You never knew…I'm sorry I never got the chance…
He stared ahead blankly at the wall, silent tears streaking his face.
So what would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
He walked into the precinct the next morning. He hadn't changed. He hadn't slept. He hadn't talked to anyone nor did he want to. He didn't want to do anything except curl up in a ball and go into a deep sleep and never wake up, as long as he was with Olivia. He took a glance at his partner's desk, hoping, praying, that by some miracle this had all been a nightmare, just a bad dream, and she would be sitting there smiling up at him.
But she wasn't. Her chair was empty, and everything just as she had left it, as if she may walk in any moment and tell him he needed to get some sleep. He walked over slowly, there was a stillness in the air as he felt his Cragen, Fin and Munch's eyes on him. Casey was there too. They were all looking at him, the way a person looks at a stray puppy or kitten that they know they can't save.
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
He reluctantly picked up a picture sticking out of a drawer that he hadn't noticed before, he turned it over. It was Liv and him, about a year ago at the annual Christmas party. He had the same picture buried deep inside his own desk, but he never looked at it because he was afraid of what he would feel if he did. She was wearing a black halter dress, and her hair fell softly around her shoulders in curls. She had been looked beautiful that day, like an angel. Her brown eyes were sparkling, and she was smiling, that same smile that had kept him going every time he wanted to give up. He was wearing a blue dress shirt with khakis, and he was smiling. A true, genuine smile. Despite everything that had gone on that year with Kathy and the kids, he had been happy. Just standing next to her, he had been truly happy.
The thought briefly crossed his mind that maybe, just maybe, she had kept the picture because she loved him. Had loved him how he loved her. He couldn't think that, he couldn't. Because if all along, if she had loved him, and all this time had thought he didn't care…Then all those years when he could have…when she could have known…
He willed himself not to cry. He couldn't. He had to be strong, but for what? What did he have left? He violently kicked the chair behind Olivia's desk, sending it crashing to the floor. It wasn't fair…she was a good person, one of the best.
May angels lead you in
Fin took a step towards him, "Elliot..talk to us…we lost her too."
May angels lead you in
Elliot turned away, his voice barely above a whisper, "She meant more to me, and she never knew it. I never got the chance…"
And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God couldn't let it live
Elliot looked down at the open casket holding back tears. He was a wreck. He looked as if he hadn't slept or eaten in days, because he hadn't. However, Olivia, she was beautiful. Just as beautiful as the last time had seen her. There was nothing he wouldn't give at that moment to see her sparkling brown eyes one more time, to take in her scent, her smile, everything.
He held the picture of Olivia and him he had found in her desk. His hand trembling, he placed it carefully between her hands. He wanted her to have it. If you can hear me Livvie…
"She loved you too."
Elliot spun around to see Casey standing there look down at Olivia, her eyes puffy and red. Elliot looked at her, not sure if he had heard right. "What?"
Casey touched Olivia's hand gently, her voice soft, "She loved you. She never would have admitted it…but I could tell. Everyone could. Fin and Munch were placing bets on when you two would finally get together…but…"
She stopped mid-sentence. Elliot's was leaning on the edge of the railing, his whole body shaking, his face in his hands soaked with tears.
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
The funeral had been beautiful, if a funeral could be such a thing. For Olivia it couldn't be anything but. Everyone else had already left, but Elliot had stayed behind, wanting to give his own goodbye.
The day was cold and dreary with a slight mist, a perfect indication of Elliot's feelings as he looked down at Olivia Benson's grave, decorated with flowers and wreaths. He was numb, frozen in place. Realizing that she was never coming back. They would never walk side by side in sync again. Never get into a petty argument, never work on another case together. Little had he known that the last time he had seen her, when she had offered to take Kathy to her appointment. That had been the last time he would ever see her alive.
And he would never get the chance to tell her that he loved her.
He bent down, placing a single white rose on her tombstone. It was the only white rose among the flowers. White roses, they had always been her favorite. Not pink, or red. White. He had been the only one who knew that.
"Livvie." He sucked in air, holding back the tears that were threatening to fall behind his eyes. "It should have been me, Liv. If I had known…if I had told you…if you had known…" He stopped. His lips pressed firmly together to keep the sobs from coming out, his eyes already watering. He looked up at the sky, in a last fleeting attempt to beg whoever was watching over him to give him one more chance. Nothing happened. He looked back down at the grave, his voice trembling.
"It was always you Liv, it was always you." By now his body was physically shaking, and he could barely speak, he gasped, trying to get the words out. "I love you Olivia. I love you."
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
A/N: Any reviews would be lovely!