I'm gonna make you bend and break
(It sends you to me without wait)
Say a prayer but let the good times roll
In case God doesn't show
(Let the good times roll, let the good times roll)
And I want these words to make things right
But it's the wrongs that make the words come to life
"Who does he think he is?"
If that's the worst you got
Better put your fingers back to the keys
One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
even though they weren't so great
"He tastes like you only sweeter"
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"
-Fall Out Boy "Thanks For the Memories"
"Thanks For The Memories"
Freeze-dried string beans and pre-recorded Church sessions occupied Cloud and Riku as they cuddled on the couch.
This was new. Riku never wanted to get romantic with anyone except Cloud. This didn't bother Cloud; it made him want Riku even more. But Riku just wants specifics. If you get him a chocolate ice cream instead of vanilla, he'd threaten to break your arm, and he'd do it too.
But there was something so alluring about him, as Cloud stated. He is like a mystery waiting to be discovered. Or a chest waiting to be opened. And Cloud was always there when Riku wanted to open up.
"Listen Cloud, I think I have to break the ice." Riku removed his hand off of Cloud's thigh and brought it to his face. He curled his fingers and stared blankly into Cloud's eyes. Cloud wanted to melt. Riku's green eyes glimmered like emeralds whenever he was crying- He's crying?
"But the ice doesn't need to get broken. This isn't awkward or creepy. We're just being a sweet." Cloud's hands creeped along Riku's neck. "romantic…" this he whispered into Riku's ear, and nibbled abit on his earlobe. "couple…"
Riku grew wide-eyed and pulled back before Cloud made his move.
"AND THAT IS WHAT I'M SCARED OF!" Riku lunged off the couch, catapulting himself into the wall. He was raging and breathing heavily as he impassively dug his fingers into his palms. Riku was deep, but not this deep. It was horrifying, and scary because Cloud never witnessed Riku this way.
Uh-oh.
His eyes were glossy with tears as he swiftly exited the room and unlocked the door.
Bang.
And he was gone.
It was shocking and the startlement had Cloud guilt-ridden. He loved Riku. Or thought he loved him. No, he really, really, deeply, madly loved Riku. But why wasn't Riku showing this affection toward Cloud? Matters have gotten to the highest point that the height on this relationship was going to ricochet.
It was a different relationship. Cloud and Riku walked the town like two regular gay men. But people were always critizing them; yelling profound words and glaring harshly. It was hard, but they dealt with it. Cloud and Riku strolled hand in hand until they were face to face. It was a sexy relationship. Yes, sexy. No, deep. It was intriguing and alluring and made Cloud's heart creates circles in his naked body.
Two weeks went by without any communication. No calls, texts, e-mails, visits, letters, postcards, nothing. Typical. Typical Riku. Always a taker and never a giver.
On a bleak morning, Cloud was curled up in is bed and was on a date with two other men; Ben and Jerry. The radio played a talk show that had a woman explaining the excruciating details of a rape incident. This worried Cloud. Riku could be anywhere. Or, he could be nowhere. Just a figment of a dream, or a blurry vision in the past. Either way, Riku always had place assigned in Cloud's mind.
While contemplating a good excuse for Riku's escape, the doorbell rang. And while expecting a pissed off neighbor complaining about the condom wrappers and empty beer bottles left on their lawn (Riku and Cloud did this while the neighbors were on vacation in Italy) it was Riku.
He stood scrawny, like a foil wrapper crumbled and spit on. His face was ridden with oil, and his hair was limp and lifeless. He wore the same attire that he had on when he was once standing in this spot; telling Cloud he loved him, and removing his pants.
"Before, uh-huh, before you, OH YOU, say ANYTHING, lemme say sum..tin."
Riku stumbled, and decided to use Cloud's face as a grip. He was drunk. Or high off his ass. Or both. His breath was heavy and thick that stung the air with a putrid smell of pine trees and beer.
"Cloud, I could want you, I should want you and I would want you, and I can want you, and I will want you, but most importantly, I want you."
Cloud could embrace him, but he found him repulsive and he'd rather not. And besides, Riku is drunk. He has no idea what he's saying. He doesn't even care. He just wants money or something. Or food. But what if it's true? Cloud wanted this but did he need it? Was Riku even worth it anymore? He hurt Cloud bad.Very Bad. So bad that Cloud wanted to end his own life. How could you still love someone that made you want to kill yourself?
"Please come in." Cloud ushered Riku to the stairwell and led him upstairs to Cloud's bedroom, where they talked about everything, anything, or nothing.
Riku explained that when he left two weeks ago, he ran through the streets and ended up sleeping under a bridge for four days. He attempted to lure the pizza man to his spot, but he always ended up in a jail cell for 90 hours. After that, he traveled into the neighborhood again and slept in the butterfly bush behind Cloud's house. This creeped Cloud out but he didn't bother to interrupt. Cloud found out that Riku snagged the beer and drugs form a dead hobo in an abounded house.
"Look, I was scared of our future. I'm always scared of new things. You know that." Riku grazed Cloud's calve, and then his knee, thigh and slowly outlined his package and pulled so hard on Cloud's waistband of his jeans that it lunged him forward on Riku's body.
"Back to square one." Riku mouthed, as he parted his lips and slowly kissed Cloud's neck and face.
For hours they lay, warm and ecstatic, breathing each other in and inhaling their newborn love. It was soothing, and they both needed…and wanted it.
The next morning, Riku was rushed to the hospital. The car ride was something out of a movie. Rainy, and humid, and creepy, and long.
The hospital made Cloud shiver in its presence. The white walls mirrored an insane asylum and injured patients and mourning parents swarmed the hospital, walking like zombies.
It was a brain spasm. Riku's brain nerves…spazzed. The doctors said it was the drugs; the nurses said it was the alcohol, and the bystanders said it was because he was gay. Whatever the reason, Cloud never left his side.
Hand in hand they were. Riku and Cloud were eating freeze-dried string beans and listening to pre-recorded Church sessions on the radio as Riku floated deeper and deeper and deeper into his dream until the radio muttered,
"God does everything for a reason."