"Spooks" is a new fandom for me. I saw a few episodes in the past, and enjoyed them, but this season I've got hooked for some (Sasha-shaped) reason : )
This is an angsty drabble, and does contain some spoilers. It's an imagined scene taking place some time after episode 4, when (as I presume he will) Sasha FINDS OUT.
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"You knew I was his, before I was born," Sasha says, staring at Elena, who looks just the same: still beautiful; still herself; still his mother.
Elena says nothing, but her eyes close for a moment, and she nods once. For that second he hates her – for her fragility and her steel – for her refusal to become a stranger to him.
"You knew I was his," Sasha repeats, "and you still called me Ilyich. How could you do that?"
"Oh, Sasha," Elena sighs, and her hand moves towards him before she withdraws it, having read the recoil in his eyes, along with the yearning to draw closer. "Sasha – how could I not?"
Sasha looks away, his hand in front of his mouth, because there are things he wants to say that would wound her more deeply than bullets – things about his father – Ilya – not him – and about her choices. About what he did to Anatoly, and how he can't sleep, remembering.
"I'm so sorry," Elena says, as though he'd said everything anyway. He knows that she means it – she is sorry – but how does that help? What does it change?
He feels sick, but he won't be. He feels like crying, but it's too late for tears. When he looks back at her, she asks, "Sasha?"
He shakes his head – has no idea what to do. He looks at his mother, who, he feels, should have shifted into something differently recognisable – something he can label and so reject. Liar. Traitor. Whore.
But this unassailable paralysis - he has felt it creeping over him since he first read the codename Tourmaline on that piece of paper he wishes he'd never found... it prevents him from speaking – from thinking.
Sasha looks at his mother, and he can't seem to perform whatever mental trick is necessary to alter his view of her. He can't understand it: everything has changed, and still she looks only like his mother - just as she's always been – just the same.