Notes: This fic is about as niche as it can get, but I still hope it's enjoyable to the people familiar with the universe in question. For anyone else who decides to read this anyway, I've tried to add some detail about the series's lore to the fic. Feedback is always welcome!
When he looked like this – relaxed in his sleep, wrapped up in his white cloak as if it would actually protect him from the cold – it was easy to forget that Alec wasn't actually human.
Seeing him in action was always a jarring reminder, of course. Jace still remembered the day he'd met him for the first time; how he'd looked like a cornered animal until he'd managed to get a hold of one of his attackers and had made them turn against each other with a single touch.
He'd done it many times since then; mainly in battle but outside of it too if the situation required it. He didn't enjoy it, but he didn't seem to mind it too much either. He'd sworn to Jace that he would do anything for their cause the moment Jace had agreed to follow him and so far, he hadn't broken that promise no matter how far it took him.
Jace shuddered at the thought. Alec had made his point today, that much was true, but that didn't make what had happened any less troubling.
Alec had called it Con Dar after everything was over. Blood rage. It wasn't difficult to see where the name had come from; not when Jace could still remember Alec's glowing eyes as he'd commanded everyone in the room to bend to his will until he got what he wanted. And all he wanted was to protect Jace, even if he had barely been able to recognise him in the end.
Magnus had warned him about this. He hadn't specified why, but he'd told him to stay away when he'd first noticed Jace's interest in the Confessor. He'd been trying to prevent the disaster before it had happened, Jace suspected, but at this point it had already been too late. Even if it had taken Alec a while to warm up to the idea that Jace was the Seeker (he could still remember the man's hushed argument with Magnus; the pain in Alec's voice when he'd told him that he'd left his sister in her last moments just to get to them), but Jace had taken a liking to him almost immediately despite that. How could he not? Alec had come from a completely different world – a terrifying, brand new place full of magic and wonders outside of the bubble that Jace's village had provided, and had whisked him off to a war against unknown evils. All he'd given him in return for his trouble was the Sword of Truth and the promise of undying loyalty and, even if he'd been sceptical and impatient at first, he'd announced that Jace was ready to go on his quest after their first battle together.
If Jace hadn't already been in love by then, that would have probably done the trick.
They had clicked together well after that. Alec had taught him how to fight and in return Jace had told him everything he knew about the outside world. Being a male Confessor (another thing that Magnus had stressed upon without fully explaining) meant that he'd been raised with only his sister for company in their father's castle and had rarely met anyone else. There were plenty of topics that his companion tried to avoid, the one of his parents seemingly the most obvious one, but Jace had insisted anyway; eager to know as much as possible for the man who had already done so much for him.
He'd been reluctant at first, avoiding Jace's gaze as he'd started speaking as if he was afraid that the words would change something between them forever. Later, when he'd had the time to actually process the information, Jace had realised that his view had shifted, although likely not for the reasons Alec had anticipated.
Alec had expected fear. Instead, Jace had been filled with overwhelming sadness for the life that his Confessor would never have; the curse that he'd accepted as a given.
"My father used to be the commander of an army," Alec had said while he'd fiddled with their dinner over the campfire. "He still is. My mother– no one knows that she's a Confessor, but she's been commanding his men through him for years."
"Your father was confessed?" Jace hadn't known much about the magic that populated the world – he still didn't – but it had still sounded terrifying.
"Of course," Alec had shrugged, his expression still carefully schooled into its usual mask, the complete stiffness of every gesture the only telltale sign of how uncomfortable he was. "That's what happens when one of us takes a mate. Our power overwhelms the one we've chosen until they want nothing more than to serve their Confessor. It strips them of everything else." He had looked up then, staring Jace dead in the eye as if now that he'd finally gathered the courage to tell him the truth, he wasn't about to let the opportunity slip away. "I've grown up with my father, but I've never known him. None of us does. It's just how it is."
Jace had swallowed heavily, fully aware of the fact that Alec wouldn't appreciate being pitied. "So if you ever decided to have a family–"
"I won't." The response had been sharp enough to cut Jace's sentence off immediately. "But for most of us – yes. There's no other way. Confessors always look for a specific set of qualities in their mates – brave, strong, difficult to break – otherwise our species would die out."
"That sounds–" Lonely. The word had come to mind uninvited and Jace had just barely restrained himself from voicing it. "Do your wives even have a choice?"
"Husbands," Alec corrected. "Male Confessors are rare. As far as I know, there's no one else but me."
And that had been that. No matter how often Jace had tried to breach the topic again, Alec had closed off completely and nothing had been able to convince him to speak. That explained some things – like Alec's almost violent protest when Jace had thought he'd noticed a returned interest in the Confessor's eyes and had tested his theory by kissing him one night – but not much else and while Jace suspected that Magnus knew all about it (he knew all about everything), he'd been adamant that it wasn't his secret to tell and eventually, Jace had given up.
Until, just a few hours ago, Alec had decided to speak up in the aftermath of their latest battle. Nothing had really changed after that, not for Jace, anyway, but Alec had been more upset than he'd ever seen him before.
"This is why I'm the only one left," he'd said, gesturing back to the castle they'd just escaped from with his help. Once he'd seen that Jace was safe, the magic that had taken over him had disappeared, but his anger had most definitely not. "Male Confessors are too easily corrupted. If it had been anyone else..."
"...Exactly the same thing would have happened." Magnus hadn't sounded too impressed with Alec's inner conflict, but then again, he was rarely impressed with anything. "Jace was in mortal danger and so were you. You did the only thing you could to help."
"I didn't do anything." The words had been filled with defeat; something that Jace wasn't used to when it came to Alec. "It just happened. And there's no guarantee it won't happen again."
"Then you'll learn to control it," Magnus had shrugged. "You managed to rein it in today; you'll do it the next time too."
"What are you talking about?" Jace had started getting frustrated with the complete lack of explanations somewhere around that point, but saying that had been his greatest mistake of the night - it had only made both his companions close off completely and Alec had been deadly quiet ever since then.
On a normal night, waking him up when he'd just managed to fall asleep would have been the last thing on Jace's mind. But tonight, he couldn't force himself to keep the questions back any longer and he wanted to make sure that Alec would actually have to stay and talk to him. Every other time, he'd found an excuse to change the topic or to spur his horse so that he could get away and Jace had let him - some secrets were better kept unrevealed, after all - only to have more mysteries pile on as they got to know each other better.
"Alec." He whispered, moving over to the Confessor, his voice quiet enough to not wake Magnus. The Warlock had strongly advised him against doing exactly what he was planning to do just now and Jace preferred not to have him try and prevent this; not now. "Alec, wake up."
"Jace?" Alec got up to his feet almost immediately, blinking rapidly as if to chase the sleep away. "What's wrong?"
"Can I have a word?"
"Jace." It sounded more like he was scolding him now. "We have to leave at first light. Is everything all right?" he ventured when Jace didn't say anything. Always on edge, even when he was still half asleep, Jace thought and the fondness that the thought carried with itself surprised him more than it should have.
"It's fine," he assured him and pulled him away from the campfire and under the shadows of the nearby trees. "I just wanted to talk."
"What is it?" Alec still looked perplexed, the worry clear in his tone and Jace felt almost guilty for waking him up for this. He couldn't not do it, though; not after seeing his Confessor so upset despite their victory today. If he at least shared it with Magnus, it would have been fine, but he didn't; from what Jace could see, all he did was bottle everything up until it exploded. He suspected that his outburst might have had something to do with that and he never wanted to see Alec go through something like that again, no matter how many times he was told that Alec had done it to protect him, so this had seemed like the only decision - cornering Alec here where he wouldn't be able to avoid him.
"It's about today. Not about what you did," he clarified when he saw the shift from confusion to guilt as it happened. "I still can't thank you enough for that. But you said- you said that there's a reason you're the only one left. And I thought– maybe if you had someone to speak to-"
"I don't need to confide in anyone, Jace." Alec sounded exhausted all of a sudden, and clearly not from the lack of sleep. "It is what it is. I am the only one and that's how it should be. The fact that I even exist– it's created enough problems already."
"Why?" It was the only thing that Jace wanted to know, really. He'd never meant to get too involved in Alec's business if the Confessor didn't want him there, but he couldn't bear to see him so troubled either and if that meant pushing for information until he gave up, then he was ready to do it. "You keep saying that, but you never tell me why. And if you think you're going to make me give up by trying to drill into me how terrified I should be of you, then you can probably tell that it's not working."
The jab wasn't lost on Alec, clearly, because he stared intently at Jace's eyes before looking away with an exasperated sigh. He knew that it wasn't working; he could read Jace just as easily as everyone else and Jace had learnt a long time ago that trying to lie to him would be pointless. Instead, he'd opted for telling him the truth even when it wasn't required of him. He was as honest as he could make himself be about everything and anything, his feelings included, and even if he couldn't tell for sure whether Alec felt the same way - the Seeker or not, he was just a human, after all - he knew that Alec was attached to him in one way or another. Despite him not saying anything, in his more daring moments Jace could almost convince himself that he could see the answering love in the man's eyes and that was enough for him to refuse to give up regardless of the divide between them.
"Most Confessors give birth to girls," Alec started, voice so quiet it was almost inaudible. "It's been that way for hundreds of years. Female Confessors grow up and turn their power into a force of good, and then they have daughters of their own. Boys born into our ranks haven't been allowed to live past childhood in decades. It's considered foolish to even try and train a male Confessor because they - we - can't control our magic the same way and it ends up slowly corrupting us. It almost never ends well. My mother- if she hadn't been in hiding at the time, her sisters would have made her kill me as soon as I was born."
Thorough his story, Alec's voice had remained impassive, reminding Jace of their endless history lessons when the Confessor tried to tell him every important piece of information from the history of the Midlands. He had clearly forgot to mention this, of course, and Jace found himself speechless. He had often wondered what to say to Alec when he talked about his childhood - when he was as distant as he was now - but nothing could really compare to this. There was nothing he could say that wouldn't be out of place and so he prefered to keep quiet instead, waiting for Alec to continue.
"But she didn't. She thought that if she kept me away from the world, with only my maid and later my sister for company, then she could avoid what happened to everyone before me." For the first time since he'd started speaking, Alec looked him straight in the eye. "In days like today, I'm not sure whether she succeeded or not. And this," he gestured around them, tone getting more agitated with every word, "was never the plan. Isabelle should have been the one standing here with you. She would have kept you safe just as well and fought your enemies in your name, but she wouldn't put you in danger. Not the way that I do."
"Alec." Jace's voice was soft, as if he was talking to a frightened animal. He had to be careful, he knew; otherwise Alec would slip away and send someone else in his stead at the first wrong word. The prospect terrified him. It wasn't supposed to - Magnus had told him more than once that while the Seeker was one of a kind, it wasn't difficult to find a Confessor who would gladly follow him in his quest - but it did, and it seemed pointless to lie to himself any longer. He wasn't willing to let Alec go even if it that would be the death of him; even if that meant that he would risk the fate of the world along with his own. "I'm sorry about your sister. If you want to, we can try and find out whether she's still alive, but don't ever think that I would exchange you for her or anyone else. I know you think it's reckless," he continued, the words tumbling out faster as Alec made to interrupt him, "and I know we can never be together, but I want you by my side." Reaching up, he slid his fingers over Alec's cheek in a blatant caress, the way his Confessor leant into the gesture almost on instinct bringing a smile to his lips. "I'm not afraid of you."
"You should be."
It was all Alec said, but the defeat in his voice was more than clear. He wasn't about to abandon him - he wasn't even thinking about it, no matter what he said - and, unable to keep himself in check any longer, Jace brought his other hand up too, cupping his face and bringing him closer for a kiss.
This time around, Alec didn't struggle. He always had before, even if he'd been the one to tell Jace that they had a few minutes before his magic kicked into action, and now it felt almost surreal; the urgent press of Alec's lips against his own overwhelming in its intensity. It was a momentary lapse of reason and Jace was well aware of that – Alec wasn't prone to losing control – but he was still more than willing to take as much from it as he could before Alec came to his senses. Taking another step towards him, Jace pressed him against the tree behind his back and leant forward until they were chest to chest and he could feel the rapid fluttering of Alec's heart underneath his armour. It was intoxicating enough to make Jace's head spin and suddenly, it didn't matter if this was what a Confessor's effect on him would feel like; it was too much and not enough and all he wanted was more, the desire expressing itself in the form of his fingers leaving their place on Alec's neck only to leave a trail down to the clasp of his cloak. Jace didn't need to see it to undo it – he'd imagined this far too many times to be unable to do it blindly – and the moment he did, he slid the garment off Alec's shoulders and let it pool at their feet.
The reaction was immediate. Alec broke the kiss and pulled back, still flushed and breathing heavily as he pushed Jace away and turned back to the direction they'd came from, walking away more resolutely than he ever had.
"Alec!" Jace wasn't exactly small, but sometimes it was still difficult to catch up to the Confessor when he didn't want to be caught. Still, he managed to hold him back, one hand curling around his forearm. It made Alec freeze and turn around, his glare icy and yet filled with a frustration too obvious to be ignored. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have."
"No, you shouldn't have." Even the reprimand felt like a caress and Jace couldn't suppress a shiver when Alec leant in, stressing his words with a quick, barely-there kiss. "But it's not your fault. Not only your fault, at least. You're – I'm the one who should be better at this. At staying away. But I'm not, and you have to understand–" His voice died for a moment and Alec ran a hand through his hair, his helplessness shining through every gesture. "The entire world depends on this, Jace. On us. This is much bigger than either of us will ever be, and even if it weren't, I'd never forgive myself for doing this to you. You asked me once whether I felt the same for you that you did for me and I never gave you an answer. I knew what the truth was, but I didn't want to say it, because what would be the point?"
"The point?" The disbelief lacing Jace's voice was enough to make it almost unrecognisable to his own ears. "Alec, if you'd told me–"
"Then what?" Alec challenged, crossing his arms across his chest. "What would have happened then? My feelings don't matter, Jace. And neither do yours. I would never touch you if it meant turning you into a shell of the man that I love and you know that." There was another kiss, short and desperate and full of too many things for Jace to comprehend all at once before Alec pulled away again. "Whatever either of us does, we'll only suffer more for it."
There were hundreds of things that Jace could have said to that – excuses and explanations and ideas born out of every way out he'd tried to think of in the past year or so – but he refrained from all of it. There was no time for trying to find a way out, not now, and they were only wasting more of it by arguing about this.
Alec turned on his heel and headed back for their camp. He was done talking, it seemed, and for once, Jace followed him without further protest. They had to leave at first light.