Disclaimer: Twilight © Stephanie Meyer…and thank God for that!

Author's Notes: After reading Sulkie Wolfen's Lion King parody The Epic Tragedy, I thought: why not do the same for something I consider nothing more than kitschy narrative for teenage girls to wank to? Yeah, you read that right, so bring it on, Twitards!

And Now for Something Completely Different

In the dreary town of Forks, there once was a girl named Melissa, named for the Grecian honeybee, who, despite her immense intelligence, lived a life of angsty (almost emo) solitude.

Then one day, a new kid came to her high school. An omgsoperfect girl named Bella Swann, which she knew immediately because…who WOULDN'T know the name of the most perfect, almost Mary-Sue-ish, girl?

So at lunch, Mel did what any girl in her situation would do:

"Hey, Bella! Wanna be friends?"

"Fuck no, bitch! Now go away, geekazoid! You're ruining my Edward moment!" And sure enough, when the verbally-bitch slapped honeybee-christened girl turned her head in the direction of Bella's gaze, she saw the omggetafuckingtan Edward Cullen. (And like she knew about Bella, Mel also knew about Mr. Ed's vampire status. I mean, who DOESN'T know anything about Gary Stu?)

"Oh," Honeybee deadpanned, seeing the Swann girl drool (literally) over the albino weirdo who looked like he would shit a diamond if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass. "Bye, then."

And with that, Mel unceremoniously slumped back to her emo corner. And watching Bitch Swann wank over that bloodsucking phallic column, Honeybee decided to do herself and everyone else a favor…and rid the world of such kitsch!

"Oh, Edward, you're soooooooo hoooooot!" Bella squealed. And he really was, such that Bella could go on 24/7/365 (or 366!) about his inhuman beauty.

"But our love is impossible. I'm a vampire, you're human…and don't we have, like, no chemistry?"

But to no avail. Bella was her oblivious self. "I loooooooove the way your skin sparkles…and those omgawesome eyes of…"

"Brown?" Edward offered.

"No! That's not good enough. How 'bout topaz?"

"Do as you wish."

"Yaaaaay!" Bella squealed again before somehow cuddling up to the arctic coldness that was Edward. "I love you, Eddykins," she cooed. "I hope we'll be together forever and frolic with rainbows and puppies!"

Beside her, the centenarian virgin sighed. How he wished he weren't immortal, so sweet death could take him away. What'd he do to have this mindless thing clinging to him? Then again, she smelled great, so maybe he could pretend to like her too.

"I lov—"

BOOM!

An explosion that could rival the Death Star and the A-bomb combined rocked the hill that the two acquaintances with benefits were laying on. And trucking back via the weapon of mass destruction's trajectory, one could see the maniacal being who fired it.

Yes, it was the Honeybee who, having accomplished her mission, couldn't help but muse on how lives could be so transitory, so ephemeral. For now, they were nothing more than two gooey puddles of visceral slime, one of them oddly sparkly.

Mel smirked. Looks like Mr. Ed got his wish.

Jacob, in his lupine glory, was prancing through the fields. The flowers were tickling his fur, and oh, how he loved that!

Suddenly, he stepped into something nasty.

"Bella?"