Heya! Strudel here. This thing's actually a few months old, originally posted on my devART which I'm too lazy to link to right now.
It was inspired by the awesomeness that is When the First Love Ends, a Vocaloid song by the marvelous Ryo. Go look it up on YouTube. Now. DO IT NOW.
It was originally in present tense, so some of the verbs may be mixed up. I couldn't catch them all. If you spot a mistake, please tell me so, and please give me some R&R!
The first kiss tasted like tears.
Its bitter, salty taste made both Atton and me flinch back, cutting what was sure to be a long, reluctant, painful experience mercifully short. Wintry air flooded into the freshly made gap between our lips, and his breath mingled with mine to form delicate little clouds that dangled by our faces like pretty promises, only to be blown away into nothingness by the chill wind.
It felt like I was trapped in a bad romance holovid; the departure bell rang as if it were waiting for the right time, following a script no one had told me about. I wondered, idly, if there was going to be a happy ending.
I think I already knew the answer.
I wouldn't have been able to catch the first shuttle, even if I tried. My departure from Dantooine would have to wait. I was relieved at the time, but, in retrospect, it would have been better if I had left then. That way I could have ripped myself away from Atton as if he were a used kolto patch, felt the pain in one momentary, intense, agonizing burst, rather than suffer the long, slow death that was ultimately our goodbye.
Atton would have never willingly let me go. We both knew that. It still hurt to be the one to pull away. The stinging touch of the wind brushed my face, scraping my skin with its sharp fingernails.
From where I stood, I could see the sun rise over the grassland beyond the permacrete of Dantooine's small spaceport. The sparse, naked trees and the dead, drooping grass sparkled with overnight frost in the gray half-light of dawn, as if some spell had been wrought to set the plains in gemstones. All to vanish when the day finally came.
There were so many things I wanted -- no, needed to say to him, but I couldn't make my voice work.
"Do you really have to go...?" Atton asked, bringing forth the one question that I dared not answer, even to myself.
"Yes." I replied, in a soft, careful voice that hopefully passed as determined. He stared at me for a few more moments, expecting to hear me say more. When I didn't, he breathed a long sigh out his nose and looked away. And so we stood, side by side, too close for friends, yet too far for lovers. It had always been this way between us. Atton and I had never been on quite the same page, never seen exactly eye to eye. Though we had kissed only moments before, it had changed nothing. The empty gesture did nothing about the gray area our relationship was in, silent, cold, and bleak. I would have done anything to be able to stay, to fix it, to make it all better...
"But...Caprice..." Atton protested, fighting to find the right thing to say.
"It's alright..." I interrupted him before I could hear the rest of his sentence -- his words were sure to be as unbearable as mine were untruthful. "I've made my decision. I have to do this."
I meant to sound strong, but my voice betrayed me and broke.
I felt the urge to pace. It had long since become habit to maintain some kind of movement -- I had been moving on necessity for so long, never needing to think twice about what I had to do, that I had just started to walk when I knew I was about to question myself, or worse -- think about the past. But I had to feel that pain. It was part of letting go.
So I grit my teeth and stayed still, barely daring to breathe, as I let the memories wash over me. The glances, the smiles, the pazaak games left half-forgotten in the wake of laughter. The arguments, the way he refused to talk to me...
I didn't know then why it was so hard. If I can let go of the Force, surely I can let go of Atton, right?
I still haven't. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.
Snow began to fall as I bit my lip to contain my tears. I'm not going to cry, I told myself desperately. I don't want him to see me cry...
I looked around, trying to find something to focus on other than the place where the shuttle would be arriving in only a few short minutes. I saw a couple standing a ways off, holding hands and smiling up into the sky. Their cheerful voices drifted like the snowflakes into my hearing.
"Hey, look! It's the first snow of the season!" the young woman crooned, catching a snowflake on her finger and showing it to her sweetheart, who smiled back at her. I didn't catch the rest of the conversation, nor did I want to. It already stung my eyes to watch. I turned my gaze elsewhere. I couldn't allow myself to break down, not when I was so close.
I looked at the clock. The next shuttle was due any minute. I realize now that I had always known that day would come. Everything that had happened had been leading up to that one bittersweet moment, waiting for the end.
If it was all about to become memory anyway, then why couldn't I...
I rubbed my hands together and breathed into them, but it didn't shake the chill. I wished we could stay in contact, or to just be able to see each other's faces. If only there was a way...
I felt warm fingers intertwine with mine and I looked up into Atton's pleading face. I hoped he couldn't see the way I was breaking in my eyes.
"Atton..." I managed to choke out his name, but the rest of my words are harder. "I really have to go."
"Let me help you..." he said gently, brushing my bangs out of my face and letting his hand linger on my cheek. I closed my eyes and bit my lip again, wishing he wouldn't do this to me.
The sound of the distant shuttle hitting the atmosphere finally gave me an excuse to pull away. I shook his hand from my face and turned my back on him, trying to make my strides firm and purposeful, but Atton refused to relinquish his grip. I lowered my head, not daring to look him in the eye. Miraculously, my voice was even when I spoke.
"Please let go of my hand." I murmured quietly. Atton only squeezed my hand tighter.
There was a second's pause, but it felt like it lasted decades. The air was electrified with the tension of confessions left unsaid. I tried to say something, but all that came out was a hoarse squeak. Force, please give me the courage to speak, just for one moment...
"Atton, I..."
But then I was pulled into his arms and the need for words vanished faster than a snowflake on my tongue.
...Can I cry, just this once?
His embrace made me feel safe enough to break. I didn't need to be invincible, or try to pretend I was sure. I didn't need to lie. I could have let the speeder wreck within me show on the outside, right then and there, let myself break down in his arms. But I didn't. As long as I stayed in the moment, there was no need. His body heat chased the chill away, and his presence let me pretend I wasn't about to leave him. As long as I didn't think ahead, I could hold back the tears.
Then, the shuttle arrived. This, too, felt scripted -- Just as Atton and I had begun to connect, I had to leave. He let me go with only a resigned, understanding nod. He knew that he didn't have to speak to be heard. I walked backwards into the craft until I couldn't get away with it anymore, trying to postpone the finality the motion of turning my back represented.
Only when the spaceport had become but a speck on the surface of an enormous planet did I turn my head away.
And now I wonder. How much of who I was then will remain when I finally return? And how much of the Atton I know -- and love? -- will be there to greet me?