A/N: I wasn't really sure where I was going with this, but it turned out to be a lot more emotional than I anticipated. My apologies in advance for any tears that are shed while reading.
She walked woodenly through the doors of Lockhart/Gardner, knowing that she should feel something; anything. Grief, anger, sadness… even guilt. But instead she felt nothing.
Nothing at all.
She saw Diane walking toward her, the grief evident in her expression and then her supervisor's arms were around her, holding her tight. But still Alicia remained as she was; numb.
Next came Cary, who usually hesitated before hugging her (and rarely had a reason for an impromptu embrace), but not today. He barely had time to nod and say the words
"Oh Alicia…" before his arms went around her in an attempt to provide comfort. But still she felt nothing.
After a long moment he let go and gave her a sad smile. His eyes brimmed with tears; tears that she knew that he would never acknowledge were there, and yet his sadness was evident.
But again…. Nothing.
She thought about the reactions of her family; Peter, Grace and Zach. Each of them had hugged her tight, even though the person she had lost was the same man with whom she had fallen in love; the man who she would love forever, but whom had (inadvertently) threatened to rock her already unsteady marriage.
And it was that memory that had her moving again.
She smiled sadly at those standing near her; Diane, Cary, Kalinda and a sea of others, all who wore the same grief-stricken expressions. But not Alicia.
Her voice, when she finally spoke, was unrecognizable to her own ears. "I-I should probably get some work done. It's been too long."
"Hey, Alicia… You don't…."
Cary's voice floated into the air, mixed with the protests of the others. But she let the voices float away, moving past them all as she made her way to her office. She needed to be alone; to process the magnitude of what she'd lost. Of what they'd all lost.
Or rather, whom.
Her chest hurt. It hurt to breathe, even for a second.
Oh God…
She swallowed hard and woodenly crossed the length of the office, stopping at her door, where the sign read; Alicia Florrick. Her hand poised on the doorknob, she was mere seconds from going in. But then her hand fell to her side.
In one fluid motion, she turned and walked away, feeling the eyes of the entire office on her. However, she didn't look at anyone as she crossed the carpeted floor yet again until she came to an office-his office.
On the door was a wreath. It was beautiful; in the shades of colors that she knew he would love. All of his favorites, his most favorite prominently displayed in the form of a wide ribbon draped across the front. His name was perfectly centered and spaced, just the way he would have liked it. No, he would have insisted on it.
But it was wrong; so wrong. It shouldn't have been here at all. And yet it was.
The words… In Loving Memory jumped out at her and she pressed her hand against her mouth, as the beautiful arrangement was suddenly blurred by her tears.
As she had done at her own office, her hand went to the doorknob and turned slowly. The door opened, and a mysterious force beckoned her inside. She walked trance-like, feeling as though she'd been transported into another world; his world.
A world that he was no longer a part of, and yet his presence could be felt everywhere. She moved further into the office, running her hand along the length of his mahogany desk. It was smooth to the touch and instantly brought back so many memories, both professional and personal. But it was the personal ones that made her tears start to fall. She remembered the he embraces, the heart to heart talks, and the kisses… oh so many kisses; some of which lead to so much more.
It was hard to see now; extremely hard and she found it difficult to move around the office. She needed a tissue and she found one in the small tissue box behind his desk.
But she didn't dare touch it. She didn't want to disturb anything in this space; this was his space.
Even if he was not there.
But something on the sofa caught her eye and she reached for it. An article of clothing; a sweatshirt, emblazoned with the word Georgetown in white block lettering across the chest. When she brought it to her face she inhaled deeply, still able to smell the clean, masculine scent of the man to whom it belonged. The faintness of cologne conjured up another memory; his last birthday…..
The eeriness of that reality made her shudder.
If only she had known that it really was…. She swallowed hard, unable to even finish the thought, while trying desperately trying to push the piercing memory away.
But still it came, haunting her.
If only she had known, she would have bought him something far more meaningful than a bottle of cologne. She would have bought him something that spoke from her heart; something that told him just how much she loved him-and would always love him, even though she could not have him.
She sat down on the sofa, tucking her feet underneath her. As fast as she could, she removed her jacket and tossed it aside, and then grabbed the sweatshirt and slipped it over her head. Instantly she felt his presence and closed her eyes, transported yet again.
The warm breeze made her eyes flutter open and she looked around. She was no longer in his office but in a candlelight bedroom, wearing nothing but a sheet. Her eyes moved to the window, as the wind blew through the curtains sending them dancing in every direction.
In one fluid motion she rose from the bed, the sheet still wrapped tightly around her. She moved toward the open door to the huge balcony where another bed sat prominently in the corner. Her heart sang, for he was there, smiling at her, wrapped in a sheet, framed by a gorgeous view of the twinkling Chicago skyline.
She said his name tentatively. "Will?"
"Alicia."
The sound of his voice was like music to her ears and she suppressed a sob. "I've missed you, so much."
He held out his arms and she wasted no time in filling them. God it felt good to be held like this… he had no idea….
"I miss you, Will." She said again.
"I know." He replied. "I've been away, just for a little while, but now I'm back."
She began to cry and he held her closer. "Oh God, I don't know what I'm doing! Everything's falling apart."
"You're strong. You'll hold it together."
His words surprised her and she drew back, looking into his gorgeous eyes. "You've never talked like that before."
"I know." Was all he said.
And then she knew….
"You're not really here, are you?"
When he didn't answer, she reached to touch his face. But her touch was met with emptiness.
No… this can't be happening. It can't be.
But then she found herself alone.
"WILL!"
She sat upright, unable to catch her breath. And it only took mere seconds for them to enter the office; Cary, Diane and Kalinda.
"Alicia, Alicia…" Cary was saying, trying to calm her. He turned to Diane. "Get her some water, quick! And call Peter!"
"Where is he? I need him."
"I know." Diane replied. "We'll find him. We'll call everywhere we can. We-."
But Alicia shook her head. "Not Peter…"
Diane and Cary exchanged glances and then looked at Alicia. "Kalinda close the door, okay?"
Kalinda brushed away tears and did as Diane asked of her.
Diane sat next to Alicia and took her hand. "You were dreaming weren't you?"
"I-I don't know… it was so real! He was… he was here, he…"
All three faces in front of her were suddenly racked with grief. Cary went to Kalinda and held her while grasping Diane's hand.
"I know…" He said to Alicia. "I'm so sorry…"
Diane sighed, suppressing a sob of her own. "Will was…"
"I loved him so much." Alicia sobbed. "I know I wasn't supposed to, but-."
"And he loved you." Kalinda said. "Anyone could see it."
"Then why?" Alicia shouted. "Why was he taken away?"
Kalinda nodded. "I don't…" The words were but a whisper as she clung to Cary.
No more words were needed, as Alicia's emotions got the best of her. And it was then that the four of them banded together, holding onto each other as their grief unleashed itself; all of them hurting and missing the man who meant so much to them, each in different ways.
But while she cried and held onto Cary, Kalinda and Diane she could have sworn she could hear his voice, floating in the air…
"Don't cry… I'm still here, and I'll always be here-inside your heart, just as you are always inside mine."
And then Alicia smiled, whispering softly. "I love you Will."
A/N: Thank you for reading this and reviews are always appreciated.