These Things That I've Done
Description: This is a missing scene from New Moon from Edward's POV. It begins with Edward receiving the phone call from Rosalie, telling him that Alice saw Bella commit suicide.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Series or any of the characters. It was all created by the beautiful Stephenie Meyer. I am simply adding a scene and rewriting a couple of excerpts from Edward's perspective.
This is a One Shot FanFic.
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What had I done?
I thought leaving Bella would be a good thing . . . for her. If I had only been thinking of myself, I would never have left her. The only reason I did leave her was to keep her safe. I was certain she would be better off without me and would be able to lead a normal life. As hard as it is for me to admit this, I was wrong and Alice was right. Don't do this Edward. I remembered Alice trying to talk me out of it. Leaving is the last thing Bella needs right now. If you love her, you will stay. If only I had listened.
Rosalie had tried calling me several times, but I never picked up the phone. I assumed that she was just calling to beg me to come back home. When I finally answered her call, she had news that I was not expecting to hear. Alice had seen a vision of Bella jumping off a cliff. Bella was . . . dead. I shook my head in disbelief. Something just didn't seem right.
I called Charlie, needing to hear it for myself. After what I had put Bella through, I knew I would be the last person Charlie would want to speak to, so I decided I would pretend to be Carlisle checking in. I would hang up if Bella answered and continue as if nothing had happened. I convinced myself that Bella wouldn't know it was me and that I was strong enough to continue keeping the distance from her I had created, as hard as it was already.
I dialled her number, printed in my mind forever. I took a deep breath to prepare myself. When someone finally picked up after it rang a few times, it was not who I had expected. It was Jacob Black.
"Swan residence," Jacob barked into the phone. His voice sounded deeper and more mature, as if he had aged a few years in just a few months.
"It's Carlisle, is Charlie there?" Jacob had caught me off guard and I struggled to keep my voice as calm and Carlisle-like as possible.
"He's not here," Jacob tried to sound menacing and intimidating.
The impatience was growing in me and I struggled to keep calm, "Well, where is he?"
Grudgingly, Jacob answered, "He's at the funeral." That was all I needed to hear.
I snapped the silver cell phone shut and collapsed to the floor of the abandoned dingy room in Rio where I had been residing. Bella, the love of my existence, the reason for everything, was dead and Charlie was at her funeral. It was entirely my fault. The last rays of the setting sun shone through the wooden slats covering the broken windows as I lay motionless in my guilt. My cheek rested on the layer of dust and dirt covering the rotting wooden floor boards. If I had never left her she would still be alive. I would still be able to hold her, to feel her warm breath tickle my skin, to hear the beat of her heart, to smell her delectable scent.
How could I have been so foolish?
Vampires aren't supposed to feel emotions, yet there I was, feeling pain, guilt, regret, all mixed into one. It weighed me down like a ton of bricks on a weak human. For once, I felt vulnerable, hollow. Without Bella, there was nothing left of me. I was empty.
Every inch of my body burned as I pictured her beautiful face. Memories of the day I fell in love with her, the nights watching her sleep, every moment flashed through my mind. But one memory stood out from the rest. I remembered what I had told Bella when we were sitting in her lounge room watching Romeo and Juliet die. Well, I wasn't going to live without you. But I wasn't sure how to do it . . . I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help . . . so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi . . . You don't irritate the Volturi. Not unless you want to die.
"Not unless you want to die." I mumbled to myself. The thought of dying sparked life in me for the first time since I'd left Bella. If I died, I would be reunited with my love. That was exactly what I wanted and the Volturi would help me get it.
It felt like a blindfold had been removed and I could finally see clearly. The small closed-up room came into focus and left me feeling claustrophobic. As I peeled myself off the filthy floor, I had the sudden urge to get out of there and never return. The tiny unclean room had never bothered me when all I was all consumed by the misery from leaving my love behind. I ran down the decaying stairs, two at a time, and outside into the empty street, full of abandoned shops with broken windows. It was twilight, the time of day that especially reminded me of her. I balled my hands into tight fists at the realisation of the monster I had become. Wasn't everything I had put her through enough?
My phone started ringing. Rosalie. Of course, Alice would have seen my decision. I needed to be more careful. They all would have known what I was going to do and would be on their way to stop me. But by the time they started running or boarded a plane to Italy, it would be too late. The others are a lot slower than I am and they were much farther away from Italy.
Knowing I had plenty of time, I decided to run straight to the Volturi and ask them to end my life. I would show Aro that there was no reason for me to exist without Bella and I would perish with or without their help. I hoped they would be tolerant.
The phone started ringing again, Rosalie wasn't going to stop calling until she got a hold of me. I dropped the phone in a trash can and started to run towards Volterra. The empty streets flashed past me as I ran as fast as my legs would allow, only thinking of Bella. Always thinking of Bella. My lifeless heart broke into tiny pieces with every memory replayed in my head. The wind whipped my face, but I didn't feel a thing. Everything became a blur as I focussed on getting to Volterra.
The problem was what I would do once I made it to Volterra? As I dodged past the trees, the branches brushing my limbs softly, I thought of how I would ask Aro to let me die. He needed to see what I had been going through, what I had done. If he could see and feel it for himself, he might be overwhelmed with my grief and grant me my wish. However, Aro is very loyal to Carlisle. There was a high chance he would deny my request due to this respect.
Therefore, I needed a back-up plan. If they were to say no, I needed to do something that would cause them to kill me regardless of Aro's loyalty to Carlisle. Something that could potentially destroy the peace and everything they had created in Volterra. That way, they would end my existence before I could expose them and I would be reunited with Bella. That was all I could hope for.
I considered a killing spree through the city as my back-up plan. I knew that would cause the biggest outrage from the Volturi and they would act very quickly, as they are very protective of their city. The idea left my mind as quickly as it came when I realised it would mean the death of many innocent people. Carlisle would be devastated, I couldn't leave him with that.
Attacking the guard would also fulfil my wish quickly. But knowing the Volturi, even if they did kill me they would be so aggravated that they would need revenge. With me and my love already gone, their only option would be to take revenge on my family. And I could not have that. My family has done so much for me already and I do love them so. Putting them in danger is the last thing I could ever do. I could simply lift a car over my head in the main square. That would cause quite a stir in the city, they would have to demolish me.
My last thought was to lift a car over my head in the main square. A seventeen year old lifting a car with his mere hands is not something you see every day. It would cause quite a stir in the city if they would allow me to do so. It would surely oblige the Volturi to kill me.
I remembered Bella's shocked face as I told her my theory of dying. Her warm brown eyes widened in terror, her perfect pink lips parted slightly, horrified with the thought of a world where I don't exist. I wasn't going to live without you, I had told her. I never thought I would have to act upon my suicidal tactic.
As I was getting closer, I started to contemplate what I would ask them. I had to do it in such a way that they wouldn't question it, even though I knew they would.
I took a deep breath as the stark building where the Volturi reside came into view. I didn't stop for anyone as I reached the entrance, I walked straight in, following the sound of Aro's thoughts. "Hey, you can't go in there!" Someone yelled after me, but I didn't even glance in their direction. I walked straight in to the grandiose room where Aro was sitting, with Caius and Marcus on either side.
"Edward! What a pleasant surprise. What is the reason that I am blessed with your presence?" Aro asked in a courteous manner.
Aro was always courteous. Too courteous, in fact. With the guilt and frustration brewing in me, I grinded my teeth in reaction to his politeness.
"Aro, I am very sorry to visit in such circumstances, but I have a grave request I must ask of you." Caius sat up in his chair, interested to hear what I was about to ask.
"Certainly my son, but first I must ask. How is dear Carlisle?" I cringed as he confirmed my earlier suspicions, that he would be loyal to Carlisle.
"He is very well, thank you for asking." I smiled as genuinely as I could manage.
"Wonderful! It brings me great delight knowing that Carlisle is well. Now, what can I do for you dear Edward?" Aro raised his eyebrows curiously.
I decided to be honest and straight to the point, "I wish to die."
Aro raised his eyebrows slightly, a mixture of shock and disappointment. He had been hoping that I came all this way to join his Guard. Caius smirked, happy with the prospect of killing me. His thoughts were suddenly filled with all the different ways he would end my existence.
"You are asking me to kill you, is that correct?" Aro frowned at me. He placed his hand under his chin and sighed softly in disappointment.
"Yes, Aro. I do wish it wasn't so and I apologise for having to ask you. But there is no other way."
"May I ask why it is you are so keen on ending your existence?" Aro's thoughts were full of ideas to try and change my mind and make me part of his family.
"Of course, but it's rather complicated. I think you will understand better if you see it for yourself." I raised my hand towards Aro.
"Ahh . . . certainly." Aro extended his hand, giving me permission to approach. I walked up to him and placed my hand in his. The papery skin moved under the pressure of mine, his bones somehow felt fragile. Suddenly, his mind was swarmed with the memories of me with my love. From the day I almost lost control from her scent to the day I foolishly left her in the forest and finally to the phone call confirming her death. Slowly, Aro removed his hand from mine.
"Oh my . . . how intriguing. You were in love with a human?" Aro asked, his thoughts full of curiosity. The things I could learn, Aro thought, if only I could convince him to join us.
"Human?!" Caius spat in disgust, his nose crinkled at the thought of humans as anything other than a meal.
"Yes. I fell in love with a human girl." I confirmed.
"How could you be so restrained?" Aro queried.
"I won't lie to you Aro. It was not the easiest thing to do, but I did because of my love for her. I could never do anything to hurt her." My voice seemed to get caught in my throat as I said this. I had always said I would do what was best for Bella, that I would never hurt her. Yet that was all I seemed to do . . . and worse. "That's why I left in the first place. I thought she would be better without me."
"And now she is dead." Caius smirked, he liked to see me in pain apparently.
"Yes." My hands balled into fists again as I thought of what I had done to Bella. To my love.
"If you will excuse us for a moment Edward, we must deliberate and consider your request." The three of them huddled together, merging into one black mound as they hid under their appalling black cloaks. They spoke so low that I couldn't hear them, but I didn't need to, I knew what they were saying through their thoughts. And it didn't look good. It seemed that I would need to use my back-up plan after all.
"My dear son, as you know Carlisle is a good friend of mine," Aro had returned back to his seat, "I could never do anything to hurt him. I do have a different offer, however."
"What might that be, Aro?" I asked through gritted teeth, I knew exactly what he was thinking.
"You have such an amazing talent and incredible self-control, which would be very useful in our family. If you feel that you cannot go back to your family, I would like to offer you a place with ours." I knew Aro wanted me on his guard. But that was almost as bad as existing without Bella. That was existing without Bella and being damned for Eternity.
"I appreciate your kind offer Aro, but I cannot accept. I cannot exist without my Bella alive." My fingers dug into the palm of my hands as I squeezed them into tighter fists.
"That is a real shame. And so wasteful, so very wasteful indeed," Aro shook his head in disappointment. "So dying is the only option then, is it Edward?"
"Yes, there is no other way." I answered as calmly as I could manage, but my frustration was getting to me.
"I'm afraid that we cannot grant your wish." Aro flicked his hand, dismissing my request.
Caius frowned and pouted his lips slightly, like a little kid who didn't get his way. He had been looking forward to torturing me, but Aro could not let that happen, he could not do that to Carlisle.
"Is that your final answer?" I replied angrily.
"It is, Edward. My answer is no." Aro concluded.
"Well, I will get my wish another way then." I snapped as I turned sharply on my heel.
Frustration took over as I lost control of my actions and punched my hand through the wall. The plaster crumpled around my fist and fell in a heap to the floor. I had really been counting on them saying yes. Now I had to do something drastic to get my way. I was going to go hunting, in the city, right under their noses. I bet they would like that, I thought with a wry smirk.
I had completely lost track of time as I walked out of the building, noticing a few hours had passed. The sun was rising, the sky a beautiful blue. It reminded me of Bella, blue was my favourite colour on her. It made her skin glow, her cheeks flush a beautiful soft pink and her brown eyes shine. She was so beautiful. How I missed her.
I stayed in the shadows as I walked towards the city. A red scarf that had been caught in the wind flew past me. As I concentrated on my surroundings, I noticed that the whole city was draped in red. There were red flags hanging from balconies, crowds of people dressed in red and red flowers planted throughout. Before I could make sense of what was happening, the monster inside of me growled with thirst as I got a whiff of the human blood. I spotted my first victim, their face hidden by the hood of their red jacket. The scent was delectable, venom filled my mouth and my throat burned. I was ready to pounce out of the shadows I was hiding in when she turned around. The long brown hair poking out of the hood swayed in the wind, her warm brown eyes searched through the city. "Bella!" I gasped, thinking for a second that it was really her.
I grimaced at my selfishness. I honestly didn't know what had come over me. I couldn't go hunting. I couldn't kill innocent lives for my purpose. Carlisle would have been so disappointed in me. It hurt me to think of my father disappointed in his dead son, he would never forgive himself.
The sun rose higher as more time passed. The rays of the sun were stronger and bounced off the white pavement in every direction. A ray was reflected on to my hand slightly, causing my skin to sparkle softly, and I was hit with another idea. I would walk out into the sun. It would give the Volturi a chance to kill me before I exposed them and endangered innocent witnesses. They couldn't allow me to ruin everything they have created here, surely they couldn't.
Alice would see my decision, they would try to reach me before I went through with my plan. They would do try as hard as they could, but they would be too late. I had until noon, I couldn't leave it any longer. At noon, the main plaza would be at its busiest and the sun would be exactly overhead. It would be quite melodramatic if the Volturi allowed me to go through with it. I would wait under the clock tower, in the shadows, until it was time to step into the light.
Walking towards the clock tower, I was puzzled by the red theme. The entire city was draped with flags and ornaments. "How ironic", I laughed as I realised what day it was, March 19th, Saint Marcus' Day. It would be very ironic if I exposed our kind on the day that celebrates Marcus eradicating all vampires from Volterra. They would be furious!
I lurked in the shadows of a narrow alleyway under the clock tower, to the north of the square. People were filling in, standing tightly grouped with their shoulders brushing against each other. I could hear the thoughts of the Volturi. What does he think he's doing? He's crazy! All for a human?! They were waiting for me, watching my every move. They were everywhere!
It was almost noon. I stood at the edge of the shadow and unbuttoned my white shirt. In one swift movement, the shirt fell into a pile on the ground at my feet. Rays from the sun were reflected onto my chest, causing my skin to sparkly subtly. It wasn't noticeable enough to cause any concern . . . yet.
I closed my eyes as the clock made its first boom. I would wait till the clock was silent, indicating that it was exactly noon, before I stepped out into the light.
"Edward!" The beautiful voice of the one I loved filled my head. The only thing that had got me through my pain was those delusions of Bella. I could see her now. Her soft, delicate hand reached out for me, her long brown hair flowed angelically against the slight breeze, her pink lips pouted lusciously, her brown eyes so warm and endearing. The clock tolled again. "Edward, please!" She reached her pure hand further towards me, her voice was strained, distant. That was odd. Usually her voice filled every inch of me.
The clock tolled again. "Edward!!" Her pink cheeks glowed luminously. Its ok my love. I will be where I belong very soon – with you. I sighed at the thought of being reunited with Bella, finally. I had to use all my strength to wait till noon. The clock tolled again. Soon all of this would be over with. They would kill me before I stepped out. It would be quick and thorough. The clock tolled again. Bella and I would be together forever. That was all I could ask for. The clock tolled again. My family would hate me. They would grieve for a while and feel pain. But that would pass. They would move on.
The clock tolled again. "Edward, no!" Her majestic brown eyes widened in horror. This is what I want, Bella. I want to be with you. I cannot exist without you alive. If there is no you, than there is no me. I know you can't imagine a world where I don't exist, but my existence means nothing without you. I am nothing without you.
The clock tolled again. One more chime and I would step into the sun and end my existence. One more and Bella and I would be united. The clock tolled, and I took a step out towards the light, moving closer to the beautiful angel in front of me.
"No! Edward, look at me!" But I am looking at you love. I smiled very slightly. I'm coming, we'll be together again. I was about to take another step that would put me directly into the sunlight when I felt something, or someone rather, against my chest. My arms instinctively wrapped themselves around that person.
The clock tolled again as I slowly opened my eyes to see who I was now holding. Familiar brown eyes looked up at me from beneath her wild brown hair. It was Bella! It was her! The Volturi sure are good, it happened so quickly I didn't even notice. And there I was, with Bella, in . . . in heaven!
"Amazing," I said, amused at how wrong I was about everything. I had never thought there would be an afterlife for a monster like me. I had accepted many years ago that I would never have those same privileges as humans. It seemed too good to be true. "Carlisle was right."
"Edward," She sounded exhausted, like as if she had been running, which was odd. "You've got to get back into the shadows. You have to move!"
I was baffled. I didn't understand what she was talking about. We were both in heaven, I was exactly where I needed to be. I brushed my hand against her flushed cheek. Strange, I could feel the blood pulsing beneath the thin layer of skin. She felt warm. I didn't think that would be the same in the afterlife.
"I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing – they're very good," I closed my eyes and pressed my lips against her hair. She was as beautiful as always and still had that delectable scent. My throat burned as I took a deep breath in. "Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty," I quoted the line spoken by Romeo just before he kills himself. I was Romeo and Bella was my Juliet. "You smell just exactly the same as always," Venom filled my mouth as my throat burned again. "So maybe this is hell. I don't care. I'll take it."
"I'm not dead. And neither are you! Please Edward, we have to move. They can't be far away!" Bella's voice was panicked. I couldn't make sense of what she was saying. Alice had seen her jump off the cliff and drown. Bella was dead and so was I.
"What was that?" I must have somehow heard wrong.
"We're not dead, not yet! But we have to get out of here before the Volturi –"
You are so dead Edward. I heard the thoughts belonging to Felix and Demetri. They were approaching us, ready for the kill. Your lovely girl smells delicious . . . mmm . . . I'm very thirsty. Felix's thoughts were filled with disgusting visions of him draining Bella's blood. He wanted to kill my love.
As I grasped that we were in fact alive and in danger of the Volturi, I quickly spun Bella around and put her between myself and the brick wall. As I faced the alley, I sank down into a crouch, ready to pounce if they tried to attack Bella. Felix and Demetri, draped in their sinister black cloaks, stopped at the mouth of the alley. Demetri looked from Bella to me as Felix smirked, confident that he would be getting the meal he wanted.
I curled my lips back into a snarl, "Greetings, gentlemen."