Harold had done it now! I wasn't in a good mood to start with and Harold's jesting was more then I could deal with. So I brought my fist back and slugged him a good one in the gut. He toppled over onto his knees, clutching his stomach as he wheezed. I smirked devilishly at his sorry position and how easy it was to take him down. If only life was that easy. Unfortunately that was not the case and now was no exception. All eyes were now on me and it was starting to make me feel uncomfortable. Some were astonished, some ashamed, but most were angry. And I honestly didn't blame them. I had gone to far by physically hurting Harold. "I…" I began, freezing up as my brain registered that I was the center of attention in a bad way. Even Courtney seemed confused by my action.
"You what!?" Leshawna screeched, bending down next to Harold and pulling him into an embrace before continuing. "What did he ever do to deserve this!! He was just standing up for himself!" You're a horrible person!!" her last sentence echoed in my mind and sent a shiver down my spine. It was a case of de ja vu in the worst degree. An image of my mom saying those exact words when I was 4 flashed before my eyes. I drew in a sharp breath, taken aback by the sudden and unwanted memory. "Answer me!" Leshawna shrieked once more, scowling up at me as if I were lower then dirt. I didn't bother saying a word, just fled at top speed in order to escape the screams. As I ran another memory from when I was 3 filled my mind.
"Lookie what I did mommy!" I had said happily, pointing to the building of blocks at my side. My smile was bigger and brighter then it had ever been, I was so proud.
My mom must've been in a bad mood because as she walked in a glare was set on her face and she snapped at me, "What? What is so great about a pile of blocks? It's the stupidest thing I've ever seen!" she then kicked my masterpiece over and I wailed, devastated.
I continued to run, a light growl erupting from my throat. I hated my childhood then and I hated it now. Sometimes I wonder how I turned out so positive. I then caught sight of the dock and another memory from when I was 4 came to me.
"Duncan was good once again, except he tends to push others around. Do you think he might've picked it up from home?" Mrs. Stone asked, curious.
Mom fidgeted uncomfortably, knowing perfectly well that's where I had learned the apparently bad habit. "No, of coarse not. We don't tolerate such behavior." She half lied, sending a glare my way. I shrank back towards my teacher, afraid of being alone with her. "We'll be going then." She muttered a little to fast, taking me by the hand and dragging me out to the car. I didn't move the entire 20 minute drive home. I didn't dare…
The minute we were home and in the house she snapped, "What the hell were you thinking!?! I told you not to hit!!" I cowered pitifully before her, not completely sure of what I had done to deserve such hate. "H-He did it first…" I managed in a whisper, unwilling to meet her fiery gaze.
"I don't care!! You shouldn't have been bad! You're a horrible person!!" she growled, grabbing me by the arm so that I couldn't get away until she was done with her fit…
I was breathing heavily when I finally stopped at the end of the dock, not as fit as I should be. I then proceeded to settle into a sitting position, dangling my feet just above the water. I stared down at my reflection, disgusted by what I saw. I saw a boy who hurt people day and night both intentionally and unintentionally, who was a scar on the world and didn't deserve what little happiness he had. I am just as bad as my mom always said I'd be. I wasn't worth anything. Today had proved that to me and the whole world. I had promised myself when I was 7 that I'd never be like her, that I'd never strike someone unless hurt me physically first. I would be nice…and I broke it. I didn't deserve friends, Courtney, or life. If anything I deserved to be beaten down like when I was 5...
I had been sent home from kindergarten on he first day for biting and kicking someone else. Of coarse I didn't think much of it, in fact I was pleased with myself. This stupid kid wouldn't leave a girl alone so I decided to do something about it. I had gotten a sweet prize for it too, a kiss on the cheek.
My happiness was a thing of the past the minute I walked through the door and caught sight of my mothers face. She was so pissed. I didn't know what to do. "H-Hi…" I mumbled, a fake smile on my face.
She glared down at me with disgust and hate mingled together before grabbing me by the arm and dragging me into the living room. The shades were pulled down so that passerby's couldn't see in. Even as a child I knew this was a bad sign since we always wanted the sun to shine in to warm the couch. Then before I could protest she threw me roughly to the floor. "Do you know what it's like to be pushed around?!? To be helpless against someone else's wrath!?!" She was now towering over me and I found myself immobile. She obviously didn't care because she yanked me up off the ground by my wrist, squeezing it with unimaginable force before throwing me against the wall. I whimpered lightly. She was insane. "Y-You're scaring me." I muttered pitifully, feeling as if I might cry. I never cried.
"Good! You need to learn what it feels like to be the victim!!" She bellowed, kicking me roughly in the side. I let out a sharp cry as I attempted to scramble to my feet and run. I didn't get far before she had a hold of both of my arms and twisted them in an unnatural manner. I swallowed a scream, not bothering to escape. "See? You see what it's like to be the underdog? To be hurt to the point where you don't want to live!!" She pulled me towards her, releasing her grip on one arm so that she could turn me around and slap me across the face. My free hand went straight to my sure to bruise cheek, tears welling in my eyes. "Now listen and you listen good! If you so much as touch someone with harmful intentions I swear I'll beat you senseless!!" She was but an inch from my face now as she dug her fingernails deep into my skin. As much as I wanted to bite back I was to scared of the consequences and merely nodded. She squeezed my arm one last time as if to reinforce her statement before releasing me and returning to normal. As normal as normal gets for her anyway. Still, I didn't care if she was calm or not, all I wanted was to get away. So I ran as fast as I could to my room, slammed and locked the door, and threw myself onto my bad. I didn't understand. Why didn't she love me anymore…?
Hot tears stung my eyes as I felt the pain from back then flow through me. I still didn't fully understand why she had acted out in violence, but it really didn't matter anymore. It was all in the past, just like Diane. The day I let my parents down for the last time and had to pay a horrible price.
I rubbed my arm with the utmost care, pain still coursing through it from the most recent beating. They were getting more frequent as time went on. The only condolence was my 1 year old sister, Diane. She loved me most and I enjoyed playing with her more then anything. Especially since mom never dared to hurt me in front of Diane. She wanted Diane to grow up to be the perfect little angel, unlike me. She thought me to be the spawn of Satan and a disgrace to the family name. I wasn't thinking of such things then though. I was busy entertaining and was perfectly safe and content. "Diane, look! It's your favorite doll." I exclaimed, shoving it toward her. Her face light up instantly and she giggled happily and took the doll. She kissed and hugged it again and again, gurgling softly. I smiled contently, happy to see her happy. I then moved to her side and pulled her close, running my fingers through her thin blonde hair. She was so beautiful. It was no surprise that my parents loved her more then me. In a way I was jealous, but at the same time I was happy to have a friend. It wouldn't be long until my mom corrupted her into hating me too, so I needed to cherish these moments. She hugged me back, murmuring my name in her baby talk, "Du-can." I kissed her gently on the forehead before releasing her and rising to my feet so that I could make a bologna sandwich with strawberries for the both of us. Just before leaving I muttered something so that only I could hear, "…I love you…"
I had done this multiple times and never had a problem. I figured now would be no different. I had been in the kitchen 5 minutes or so when a high pitched scream filled the air. I froze for an instant, scared to see what had happened. When the screams hadn't let up after a good minute or two I knew I had to do something. If I didn't the neighbors might think something was up and call my mom. They were all for the punishment my mom dished out on me when dad was absent. I speed into the living room and down the 3 step stairs. She was back on her feet and headed for the much longer flight of stairs. I wish I could say I stopped her, but it all happened so fast. It was like I was in slow motion while she was in fast forward. I tried desperately to catch her, but she went tumbling down the stairs in an instant. I stared on in horror as she hit the bottom with a thud. Her screams cut through the short lived silence like a knife through flesh. It was the loudest sound I'd ever heard. I instinctively covered my ears to block out the sound. I hated when people screamed. A shiver ran down my spine as her cries managed to break the barrier that was my hands.
It took only a moment more for me to realize she wasn't going to stop anytime soon and I'd have to try and stop her myself or face the wrath of my mom. The only 'good' thing about this situation was that my parents were out buying groceries which meant I had time. Unfortunately they had already been gone an hour and would probably be home any minute. I raced down the stairs, intent on calming her. I swiftly dropped down to her level, whispering soothingly, "Shh, Diane. It's alright. Shh…don't cry." Her screams didn't soften for even a fraction of a second, if anything they grew louder. At this point I was beginning to grow frantic. Still, I didn't give up. "Diane, please! Tell me what's wrong!" I pleaded. "I-I don't want to be hurt again!" A panic was rising in me and it only intensified as I heard the car pulling into the driveway. "Stop screaming!!" I shrieked, tears in my eyes. There wasn't much time left. So in a vain attempt to quiet her I covered her mouth with one hand and held her in place with the other. She struggled against my hold, a muffled cry escaping her. Yet it wasn't enough for me. I clamped down harder, the fear of a beating possessing me to do things that weren't in my nature.
I heard the door creak, alerting me to the fact my parents were now inside. I was now shaking from the fear that gripped me. I had never been so scared. "Duncan, we're home!" my mom called sweetly, putting up a fake guise so that dad wouldn't find out the truth. I was about to run and hide when I realized it was strangely quiet. Diane was no longer screaming. At first I was eternally grateful until I realized that she was also not breathing. I immediately took my hand off her mouth and released her, hoping for the best. Yet deep down I knew there was no chance for her…she was long gone.
"Duncan? Honey?" my moms voice reached me again. That's when the severity of the situation set in and I broke down. I convulsed horribly, tears long overdue trickling down my face. What was I going to do now? How was I supposed to tell them that Diane was dead? They would hate me and worst of all they would punish me like never before. I could run, or maybe hide. Then again neither of those options would get me far. The sad conclusion was that I'd have to face them and my inevitable beating. I whimpered at the thought. "Duncan!" she seemed irritated now. Great, as if that'll help. I slowly rose to my feet, taking my time to ascend the stairs. Just as I reached the top my mother's slim figure appeared before me. I was so surprised that I nearly lost my balance. "What are you doing down here? Where is Diane?" her voice was no longer kind and loving like I longed for it to be, but harsh and demanding. Dad must've been outside. As much as I wanted to answer I couldn't find my voice to speak. "Answer me whelp!!" she cried, grabbing me by the arm and pulling me toward her. I tried my best to keep my position, but she was to strong and easily moved me. There was an ominous silence that followed before her furious voice cut in, "W-What did you do!?! Why isn't she moving!?!" Before I had a chance to respond I was flying through the air and hit the wall facing the stairs with unimaginable force. My side ached as I struggled to my feet. "I-I didn't mean to…" I whispered.
She wasn't interested in my pleas, only in giving me what I deserved…pain. "You fucking piece of shit!! How dare you take her away from me!! She was perfect!" She was on me in a heartbeat, lifting me by my collar so that I was suspended in air before slamming me roughly into the wall. I was used to such treatment by now and barely cringed. "You are a devil!! You should be the one dead!!!" I was surprised that my dad was still gone. Could he have left? She then did what she'd never done before. She lugged me as hard as she could into the glass cabinet that held her collectibles, the frail glass shattering the moment I made contact. Shards of glass protruded from all over my body but my mind didn't register it at first due to the shock. "How does it feel?!? HUH!?! What's it like to know no one can save you!?!" she growled, a malicious smile present on her face. Only when she slammed me against another wall did the pain kick in. The shards were pushed in deeper, triggering an immense amount of pain resulting in a tortured scream from me. It was the loudest I'd screamed in my life and it even hurt my own ears. This only served to fuel her fury and increase my fear. "Shut up you sorry little shit!!! Do you want to die!?! DO YOU??" she shrieked in my ear. I whimpered lightly, afraid of what was to come.
She had me by the collar once more when my father as well as a group of cops stormed in. Relief washed over me at the sight of the law. I was saved and mom was finished.
It was all a blur after that. All I know is that I never saw my mom again, was moved to a 'better' home, and sustained a lifelong injury. I almost instinctively brought my hand to the back of my head, running my fingers over the bumpy stitches that ran across it. It had been so bad and deep. At a point no one knew if I was going to make it. But I did…unlike Diane. I grit my teeth from the anger and sadness of that day resurfacing. It isn't fair! I should be the one dead, not Diane!! I swear the world would be so much happier without me. In fact, I sure no one would even notice my absence. I really was a scar on the world. One that spread hate and misfortune to everyone I came in contact with. I punched the dock as hard as I could, tears forming from both the pain of the punch and the memories. I couldn't believe how stupid I'd been to cut off her air. I always managed to destroy the one thing that made me happy and today was no exception. The way Courtney had looked at me was more then I could take. She seemed so confused by what I'd done that I could honestly say she would never look at me the same again. I was a monster to everyone, not just my parents and I can't bear it. If no one loves me, then why live? I don't see the point in it. "C-Courtney…" I breathed, feeling like a lost child in this hell of a world. Why? Why me?! I had gone through so much pain already. So why didn't it stop?
Then, for reasons I didn't understand, an image of Courtney screaming at me and leaving me filled my mind. At that point I couldn't stay calm another minute and found myself shaking profusely just like with Diane. S-Sorry…" I stuttered, near a breakdown. She would be right to leave me. I wasn't worth giving up a perfect lifestyle nor was I worth loving. I was lower then dirt. I suddenly felt the urge to cry out, to let my presence be known. "C-Courtney!!!" Tears poured down my face, staining my favorite skull t-shirt. I pulled my knees close to my body and rocked myself back and forth to a tune I had remembered from when I was little and my mom still loved me. It was the only good thing she had given me. Still, it wouldn't matter in a minute. I was going to free the world of a pest that had plagued it long enough. I was going to kill myself. I knew how to, too. It wasn't hard. All I had to do was breath under the waters surface and never come up. I turned my body so that I was facing the post that helped hold up the dock. That way I could untie the rope that held a rowboat in place and use the rope to my advantage. Due to my criminal background it was a synch to attain the rope, all I had to do was cut it off with my infamous pocket knife. I suppose I didn't really need it, but it was a precaution to make sure I wouldn't be able to resurface. I sighed, this was it. And I wasn't going to chicken out.
I dove down into the cold sea blue water, making sure I was a little more then 2 feet under. The rope was less then a foot long since I cut it so if I tied myself to the dock it would be impossible for me to come up for air. I swiftly tied the rope to the dock and then to me, making sure there was a tight knot. Within seconds I was gasping for air, only getting mouthfuls of water. Just as I expected, despite my intentions, I was fighting to reach the surface. I would have succeeded had it not been for the fact I had tied myself to the dock at such depths. For an instant I regretted my actions as an image of Courtney's devastated face flashed before my eyes. Still, I reassured myself by thinking that she'd move on, find someone better then me, and eventually forget my existence all together. Unlike most, I didn't want to be remembered. I didn't want to hurt others with the void my absence would create if they were to remember me, I just wanted to be free of the pain that was life and make people happier. I hoped my death would do just that. I was starting to feel weak and without drive all of a sudden. As if the life was being sucked out of me and my conscience fading. In my last moments one last memory came to mind…
"We goin swimming?" I asked curiously.
"Yes, honey." my mom sighed distractedly, kissing me lightly on the cheek.
We were there in a matter of minutes and the instant I was out of the car I was streaking around anywhere I could reach. It was only a few days after the block incident and tension was high. However, being so young and innocent I didn't realize it. My parents were barely paying any mind to me as they set up the picnic stuff. I wasn't concerned with that though, I was focused on the water. It gleamed beautifully in the sun, hypnotizing me. I then called to my parents in a high pitched tone, "Water! Water!" Immediately charging toward the water while laughing hysterically all the while. Only when I reached the water did a feeling of uneasiness creep up on me. By then it was to late. I was a foot under and struggling to bring my head above it. Every time I tried to scream water filled my lungs and I was feeling exhausted. I didn't know it, but I was dieing.
I would have died too, but my parents miraculously found out I was drowning before it was to late. They brought me back from the brink of death…but I can't say that was good for anyone.
Then just like before I felt the life flow back into me. First I gained the ability to think, then to hear things around me, and lastly I was able to open my eyes to the scene before me. I coughed and spluttered, sea water flying from my mouth and onto my already soaked shirt. My vision was blurred from the extended period of lack of oxygen. Yet somehow I was able to hear loud and clear. "Duncan!! Duncan, can you hear me? Duncan, say something!" Courtney's mortified voice called to me. A wave of guilt swept over me at how tortured she seemed. I'd done it again. I'd hurt the one person who cared about me. "D-Duncan! Please…" Despite the fact I couldn't see her face clearly I sensed the tears in her eyes thanks to her tone. I tried my best to speak but all that came out were more coughs and water. I didn't know how much longer I could take her distress. So I did the next best thing to talking, I grunted. My vision was slowly returning t me and I was happy to see her relieved. She then pulled me into a tight embrace, resting her head on my shoulder. "God, Duncan. You're such an idiot!"
I smiled faintly, pleased by her tender touch. "So I've been told." I muttered, trying my best to avoid the topic of why I'd done it.
I swear you're insane!" she cried, nearly choking up.
I sighed dejectedly, know very well that this was leading to a delicate subject that would be impossible to avoid. "Yeah…I am."
"W-Why would you do it…? Aren't you happy?" she stuttered, obviously shaken by the event.
I hesitated, unsure of how to answer. I didn't want to go into detail about my past. It was something I'd rather keep buried in the ages of time so that I was the only soul that could call upon them as I pleased. Besides, it would only hurt people if I told and I had done enough of that in my life. Then I felt an unimaginable fury and resentment rise in me that I was unsure of the source. All I knew was that I wanted, no needed, to scream at someone. Unfortunately Courtney was the only one around. I pulled out of her hold, scowling. "Why? Why!?! I did it because I wanted to!! I thought it'd be fun to see how much my body could take! Besides, it couldn't be any worse then what I've already been through!!" I knew it seemed that I was referring to her and the way she treated me, but it wasn't like there was anything I could do about it.
She was taken aback by my sudden spur of anger, her eyes full of dejection mixed with confusion and her lip quivered ever so slightly. "W-What…? What did I do?" she whispered.
I snorted, irritated by her weak demeanor. "Did I ever say you did anything?! Or is it just fun to play the blame game!?" I cried, fists clenched into tight balls. See? This is why I don't want to even think about my past. It always causes hate to flow through me which I end up directing at other people. I had no self control.
She averted her gaze, unable to look at me. I could see the tears in her eyes and the fear on her face. She was not used to being treated as such, especially not by me. I needed to stop, but I found it near impossible. This wasn't going to end until my hate turned to bitter sadness. "I-I…" she started, trailing off as she covered her mouth and began sobbing faintly.
"I hate people who can't make up their mind!! Do they want to hate me, love me, or just treat me like an insignificant piece of trash!!" The anger was becoming worse, mixing with the sure to follow sadness. I didn't want to cry, I wouldn't be able to bear it. I proceeded to grab her by the wrists so that she had no choice but to look at me. The worst part was that she looked exactly like my mom. I was nearing insanity. "How do you like it now that I'm in control?! Who's the bigger man now!?!" I had even forgotten I was talking to Courtney, convinced that she was my mother come to torture me some more.
She seemed torn between breaking down or biting back. I was interested in which someone like her would choose. She was complicated. "SHUT UP!! What the hell are you talking about!?! I've never done anything but love you!! So what are you going on about!? I don't understand!!"
In that instant I felt myself drained of the desire to hurt or cut down others. I was hit by a wave of remorse and abruptly released her, mind working at 100 miles an hour. What was wrong with me? Why was I doing this to her? She loved me more then anyone had ever loved me. Not even my parents had cared so much about me. God, I really am like my mom. Whenever I get mad enough I lash out at others despite how I felt about them. "I-I'm sorry. I'm a horrible person." I stuttered, sinking farther into depression as my moms words echoed through my mind once more.
I felt a pair of hands grasp my wrists and tried my best to shrink away. To no avail, I was to weak and shaken from my near death experience to do anything about it. "No. You're not." she growled sternly, looking me dead in the eye.
"Y-Yes I am. If you knew me, t-the real me, y-you'd know." I felt as if I might cry from the heartbreak I was feeling at the idea of losing her to my past.
"Stop it!! Regardless of what you think, I know you! And I know you wouldn't do this for no reason."
I didn't know how much more of her badgering I could take before I cracked. I didn't matter anyway. In the end I'd have to tell her the truth of my dark past. "You're wrong!!" My face was contorted with fear, giving me away.
"Don't lie to me. Honey, just tell me what's wrong." she cooed softly so that she was right beside me to my right. At this point her sweet nature was enough to break me. I sensed the tears fill my eyes and trickle down my face. I was weaker then I'd ever been in my life. I turned my head away from her in an attempt to hide my tears. "I-I can't…"
"What do you mean you 'can't'?" She was obviously confused.
"I just can't! It h-hurts to much. J-Just thinking about it is b-bad enough." covering my face with a hand.
"Please…calm down." she murmured, wrapping her arms around my waist and pulling me close enough to rest her head on my shoulder. "Please…" her breath tickled my neck, sending a sensation down my spine.
"F-Fine! I have a-a horrible past! M-My mom used to a-abuse m-me! She even tried to k--kill me after…after I messed up! I-I'll never forget it!! She hurt me s-so much. I HATE HER!!"I bellowed, sobs racking my body as tears continued to pour down my face. Only when I'd finished screaming did I dare turn my head in her direction to look at her face. Just as I expected she was fully shocked, mouth agape. She'd never look at me the same now.
"Wha-What? You were…beaten. And as a kid…" While she continued to digest this information I decided to bury my face in her chest for extra comfort and security. I hoped she wouldn't take it the wrong way. "God, Duncan. How on earth did you live with such a burden? I would have fallen apart long before now." she muttered in amazement, bringing a hand to the back of my head and running her fingers gently through my hair.
Her soft touch was enough so that began to calm down to the point where I could give a little more information. "I-I considered this option many times before, but was to afraid to go through with it. Now, with the way everyone looked at me for beating up Harold, it was the perfect motivation. "No one seemed to care what happened to me so I thought…" I trailed off, unwilling to think about the chain of events that had led to memory after memory of horror.
She squeezed me lightly and nuzzled me lightly. "They were just surprised. They figured you were to nice to act out like that. If they'd known about your childhood…" she sighed heavily.
I jerked up out of her hold instantly, "Don't you dare tell anyone about it! EVER!!" My eyes narrowed into slits, face contorted with rage.
She didn't seem fazed in the least, as if she'd expected such a reaction. "Easy, baby. I wouldn't do such a thing." she breathed, running her fingers in patterns on my face. "But…just how bad did it get…?" she questioned tentatively, no doubt afraid I'd act defensively like before.
I was more ashamed the mad. I hated talking about all the shit I'd put up with through the years. "Bad. It started out as verbal abuse, but soon escalated to physical. I was punished for the tiniest of things, even getting bad grades." I paused, swallowing hard. "I wanted to tell so bad, but…but I was afraid it'd get worse. I was a chicken." I growled ashamedly.
"Duncan, you were only a kid. There wasn't anything you could have done." she comforted, moving so that she could rest her head on m chest..
"I guess..." I mumbled under my breath.
"Duncan, you aren't alone any more. If you need me I'll be there to support you." she wrapped her arms lovingly around me, filling me with hope. "I love you…"
I smiled lightly, returning her sentiments as well as nuzzling her lightly. "I love you too…" I murmured. "…And always will…"