"Lily?"
Remus paused on his way to the Gryffindor common room to meet up with the other Mauraders. He was already running late, as he had lost track of time working on his latest Arithmancy assignment, but at the sight of the red-haired Head Girl standing by a window in an abandoned corridor, he couldn't help but stop. Lily startled slightly in response, turning to face him. The prefect was rather alarmed to notice the lingering traces of distress on her face, despite her hurried attempts to plaster on a smile.
"Hey, are you okay?" Lily blinked at the question. She started to nod, then froze before making an aborted attempt to shake her head. In the end, she settled on a shrug, and turned to look out the window again. If Remus hadn't had alarm bells going off before, he certainly did now. His tentative friend was never this quiet, and that was a sure sign that something was on her mind. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Lily remained silent for several moments longer, to the point where Remus was beginning to think she was either ignoring him or hadn't heard him. She then turned her head to look at him, the dim lighting casting shadows over her features.
"Everything's changing, isn't it?" she asked quietly, her eyes shining softly, even though the emotion showing there had them hardened. Remus was taken off guard by the unexpected comment from the girl. He blinked, trying to figure out what she meant by that.
They had always clicked, and she had known about his . . . furry little problem since first year, but they had never really spent a lot of time together due to his involvement with the Marauders. That had changed when they both became the Gryffindor Prefects the previous year and suddenly were spending multiple evenings a week in each other's presence. It was because of their growing friendship that he knew something was really off with Lily.
"What do you mean?" Remus asked, his voice sharpening in concern. "Are you okay? What's wrong, Lily?" Lily continued to stare out the window for several moments in silence. The rustle of crinking paper drew Remus's attention to a folded letter in the Head Girl's hand before her response distracted him again.
"I'm fine, Remus," Lily said, turning to face him with a weak smile on her face. "Thank you for asking, and for caring. I just . . . have a lot on my mind right now." Remus scrutinized her expression for a moment to determine if that was really the truth or not. He saw only sincerity in her gaze, and nodded, his tension slowly leaving his body. He took several steps forward until he was beside Lily, looking out over the shadowed grounds with her.
"Would it help to talk about it?" he asked quietly. Catching her moment of hesitation, he added on, "I can keep a secret from the others if you need me to. And if you decide you don't want to talk about it, then I can stay here with you for as long as you need."
Lily looked at him with an unreadable expression for several moments, before it softened and a grateful smile took its place. She turned back to the window, and several minutes passed where they were simply standing in silence, staring out at the moonlit scenery. After a while, Lily quietly broke their silence.
"We are at the edge of war, and this time next year, I bet you anything it will have started." Lily said grimly. Remus had never seen her look so serious, but he stayed quiet and let her speak. "It's going to be painful, and bloody, and terrifying. And I don't care what I have to give up to do it, but I am going to fight in it – maybe even on the front lines." That was news to Remus.
"What?" He gaped at her. Lily Evans, pacifist and rule-follower fighting in a war? "Since when did you decide to do that?" Lily turned her gaze on him again, and Remus was suddenly struck by the fact that her eyes looked much older than her seventeen years in that moment. Even worse was the fact that the expression seemed much more familiar to her than it should have.
"From the day I set foot in Hogwarts I knew I was entering a battlefield. I saw the way the older Slytherins and a couple of students from the other Houses looked at me. I had, in fact, heard the rumors about 'my kind' circling around Diagon Alley and on the train. It was only a matter of time before I moved on to the real war."
Remus was sure he looked like he had been Confounded. He certainly felt like he had. The girl before him was a Lily Evans he was sure nobody had seen before, and yet it seemed like she had been there all along. Taking his silence as permission to continue, Lily resumed speaking.
"Fourth year." she said, her mouth thinning as low flames lit in her eyes, the way they only did when Lily Evans was truly furious about something. "Fourth year I walked in on a first-year muggleborn getting her head shoved down a toilet by a group of third-years. They were mocking her, claiming that they were only trying to wash her dirty blood so it would be clean again. I of course helped her, but that was the day I swore to myself that I would never be someone standing on the sidelines. So, I decided I would push myself even harder, and make it to a position were I could help keep things like that from happening again."
Lily was shaking in suppressed rage at the memory, and her wand was shooting off the occasional spark. Remus always knew that she had felt things deeply; it was hard not to tell after so many years of knowing her. Still, the extent to which she seemed to feel the sting of injustice even years later . . . He had to wonder how she managed to contain her anger at all the slights made to muggleborns each day by the more prejudiced students.
"So you made sure to become a prefect," he said, beginning to understand where she was headed with all of this, "and then Head Girl. So that you would always be in a position to do something about things like that." Lily's jaw tightened and a determined glint entered her eyes.
"Yes. And after we leave Hogwarts, I'm joining the Order of the Phoenix, and becoming an Auror." She then gave a slightly strangled laugh and glanced down at the letter in her hands. "You know, I originally dreamed about becoming a Healer, like Madam Pomfrey. That was before I realized that Healers don't really get a chance to take action the same way Aurors do. They just get to pick up the pieces once the fighting's over." Remus looked a her in slight amazement.
"You were willing to give up your dream just so you could fight a war?" Lily looked at him in surprise.
"Of course. What does my dream matter in the long run when there are people being murdered in their own homes because of a madman?" She shook her head. "Besides, I've given up too much by now to even think about turning my back on the fight anymore."
"What do you mean?"
"Exactly that. I've given up more than just a dream to make fighting in the coming war a reality. Have you ever wondered why I never talk about my home? My relationship with my sister has completely fallen apart, and my parents – they're like strangers now. They have no idea what the state of things really are, or what I really get up to. I could have fixed all of that by telling them more and by going home over school breaks." Remus wasn't sure how to react to that, but luckily Lily didn't seem to want a response.
"Here at school I have given up time with my friends so that I could study an extra hour. I gave up being seen as anything other than responsible and capable so that I could become Head Girl. I let nothing distract me from my goals, even –" She suddenly broke off and fell silent. When Remus looked closer at her in confusion, he was startled to see tears in her eyes, though none fell down her cheeks.
"Lily?" he asked quietly. She remained silent a moment longer, and when she did speak, her voice held a croak that told of heartbreak and grief even as her tone spoke of resignation.
"You know, all these years that James has been chasing after me, people have been nagging me to give him a chance – either so I would come to my senses or so that the whole drama could move on." Lily shook her head, and Remus wondered where she was going with this. As far as he knew, his friend had nothing to do with their previous conversation, but it was clear that Lily had a reason she was saying all of this.
"All of these years and nobody, not once even thought – nobody even considered the fact that –" She stopped and breathed in a shuddering breath. "Nobody stopped to realize that I fell for him at the exact same time that he fell for me." Remus was now openly gaping at the girl as his head spun in shock. However, that didn't keep him from hearing the nearly inaudible exhalation.
"Lily?"
Both Gryffindors spun around in surprise to see James standing there wide-eyed, his gaze glued to the red-haired girl by the windows. Sirius and Peter were standing behind him, both with varying levels of surprise and confusion. Remus glanced at Lily, and he was rather alarmed by how pale she had gotten, her skin nearly appearing bloodless.
"James," she breathed in horror. "How long have you been standing there?" The black-haired boy shook his head in response, looking like his world was still turning over on its head. The Marauder's Map was held loosely in one hand while the cloak was in the other. Remus caught Sirius's eye and flicked his gaze pointedly at both items. Sirius nodded and stepped forward to take them both from James. He didn't even seem to notice, his eyes still fixed on the red-haired girl in front of him.
"Long enough." His voice was rough, and the look on his face was that of a man desperate for confirmation. "Is it true? What you told Remus just now, is it true?" Lily looked like it was breaking her heart to do so, but she closed her eyes and nodded. James took an unconscious step forward at the gesture.
"Why?"
He didn't have to explain, everyone listening knew what he was asking. Why had she never said anything? Why was she saying something now? Why had she refused him so many times? Why did she look like it was killing her to admit it? Just . . . why?
"Because I thought that if I could get you to give up on me you would move on." Out of all the answers they might have been expecting, that one was not one of them. James blinked in surprise, and Lily opened her eyes so that she could meet his. "I thought that it was better if you felt sad and disappointed for a little while than if you ended up a target or heartbroken later."
"What are you talking about?" Sirius asked, causing Lily's eyes to flash over to him briefly. "A target? And why would he end up heartbroken?" Lily's gaze was sharp as she assessed him, her expression clearing as she was able to put aside the emotional conversation that had begun moments ago. James was still looking at her desperately, but his desperation was momentarily tempered by curiosity at her response.
"You haven't figured it out yet?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at Sirius. "I thought you would have. You of all people should know how most purebloods react when other purebloods don't share their views." Sirius's expression darkened, and his eyes flashed with sudden understanding.
"They would target James for being with you, someone with, as they see it, dirty blood." He considered her for a moment longer, a hint of growing respect for her in his eyes. "You were trying to protect him all this time by pushing him away. Yourself too, it seems, as they would also go after him to get to you."
"What did you mean about heartbroken?"
James's hoarse voice drew everyone's attention to him. His eyes were intense, and his expression was as serious as any of his friends had ever seen it. A strange look passed over Lily's face for a moment, before she composed herself again with a slight shake of her head.
"I'm going to be an Auror," she said simply, gesturing with the hand still holding her letter. Remus had nearly forgotten about it, what with everything that had been revealed in the past several minutes. "I just got my letter today. I'm going to apprentice under one of their veteran Aurors for a year before joining the force."
Remus was about to ask what that had to do with James getting his heart broken because of her when he paused. Realization lit his features as he figured out what she had already been preparing for even back when she was eleven.
We are at the edge of war . . . And I don't care what I have to give up to do it, but I am going to fight in it – maybe even on the front lines.
"You don't expect to survive this war, do you?" he asked quietly, causing an even deeper silence to fall over the already quiet group. Lily's lips thinned, and she stared resolutely at a brick in the wall to avoid their expectant eyes.
"No war is without casualties," she stated in an emotionless voice, the kind that, Remus realized with a sinking feeling, only comes from a long time of knowing something bad was coming. She flicked her eyes over to him, the strange blankness of her demeanor dropping slightly as she continued. "It is stupid to think that I might not be one of them. But it is a chance I am willing to take if it means that there will never be another muggleborn witch or wizard who has to grow up too fast. So long as no other child is told that they are worth no more than the dirt stuck to the bottom of someone's shoes, or made to feel afraid wandering an empty hallway in broad daylight, or ends up cornered in an empty classroom by a gang of older students and has to fight her way out -"
Lily's voice cracked and she broke off, her eyes clenching shut and her hands forming shaking fists by her sides. She didn't have to finish. All four Marauders knew where she was going with her statement, and were rather horrified at the implications. She took several steadying breaths to compose herself, and soon after, her hands had unclenched and her eyes reopened. She cleared her throat quietly, and ended with one final statement.
"No matter what I have to give up, be it a dream, a future with someone, or my life, it is worth it. It will always be worth it."
Remus wasn't entirely sure what to say after that, and he could tell that the others weren't either. They all waited in an uncertain silence for several minutes, until James cleared his throat, drawing all of their attentions to him. His eyes were locked on Lily, and she seemed – not fragile, but almost like she could crack under his gaze.
"And if you didn't have to give up that future," he began, his voice steady but his eyes uncertain, afraid of receiving one final rejection, "would you still want it?" Lily blinked, not entirely sure she was understanding him correctly.
"What do you mean?" The red-haired girl's voice was small, a strange contrast to her usually unshakable personality. James took a step forward, now only several paces from her. Lily looked almost afraid, though not of James. It seemed to Remus as if she were afraid that none of this was real, and of the situation itself.
"Did you really think I would stop fighting for muggleborns and halfbloods if you pushed me away? I was always going to fight; it had nothing to do with whether you accepted me or not. I was always going to be a target, and I was always going to be a part of this war. In fact, Sirius and I just got our letters today, same as yours, telling us that we were accepted into the Auror program." He took another step forward, and Lily seemed to be at a loss for words.
"As for getting my heart broken," he continued, taking one final step forward, until he was only a foot away from Lily, and was looking down at her, "if you die now, that will happen anyway. You're my friend Lily, and I would be heartbroken because of that, if nothing else. If we might die anyway, wouldn't you rather have until then together, rather than regret what might have been?"
Remus, Sirius, and Peter were riveted by the scene, the risk of getting caught out after curfew a forgotten thing. James and Lily were studying each other in silence, reading something from each other that the rest of them couldn't see. After several minutes of silence, Lily broke their connection, glancing to the side and out the window. Remus held his breath in anticipation, and from the slight sounds of shifting beside him, he could tell that the others were anxious too.
"I can't guarantee that this won't be a mistake," Lily stated, slow and quiet, before flicking her eyes back up to meet James's own, "but I'm willing to try if you are. You know the risks, and my reservations. If you are willing to take that risk, then so am I."
James blinked, processing what she just said, the look on his face a combination of confusion, hope, disbelief, and rapidly growing joy. As soon as her words fully registered, a brilliant grin spread across his face as he let out an ecstatic laugh. It was the happiest the other Marauders had seen him in a long time, and as they watched, a disbelieving smile began to spread across Lily's face as well, transforming her from the solemn warrior she had become back into the girl they knew and were friends with.
James let out another burst of laughter and, seemingly unable to help himself, swept Lily into a tight hug, lifting her up and spinning her around several times. Lily let out a laugh of her own at his exuberance, and when he carefully set her feet on the ground again, made no move to step back out of his arms.
Remus smiled as the reality of the situation sunk in even further for his friend, watching James's expression turn awestruck and ridiculously happy as he realized that he actually could hug Lily and spin her around now, along with many other things. He watched as James closed his eyes, a small smile still playing about his lips, and leaned down to rest his forehead on Lily's. Lily closed her eyes as well, a matching smile on her face, and seemed content to just stay where they were.
He glanced over at the other two, and Sirius had a slight smirk on his face, while Peter merely looked thoughtful. James and Lily would have stayed where they were even longer, but the slam of a door echoing through the halls reminded them of the fact that they were out after curfew, and could still get in trouble.
James reluctantly stepped back from Lily, though he still kept a steady hold on her hand, and turned to Sirius. His friend understood what he was asking in a second and pulled out the Map. After a moment of studying it, he motioned for them to follow him, and the group took off running down the corridor, taking care to keep their footsteps as quiet as possible.
By an unspoken agreement, the group decided to stop by the Heads' dormitory first, so that the other three could continue on to the Gryffindor dorm after that, seeing as Sirius had the Map. When they arrived, there was a comfortable moment of silence until Lily then turned to Remus.
"Thank you, by the way," she said softly, mindful to keep her voice down. "For caring enough to be willing to listen, I mean. I really appreciate it." Before Remus could react, Lily had dropped James's hand and stepped forward to wrap him in a tight hug. He was frozen in surprise for only a moment, before he returned it, a small smile on his face.
"That's what friends are for," he responded, equally as quiet. "You were there for me when I needed someone. This was just returning the favor." Lily made a hum of agreement and stepped back again. She then glanced at Sirius with a slight smirk.
"Keep them out of trouble, Black. I expect you to put that Map to good use." Her smirk then mellowed into a smile. "See you three tomorrow. Sleep well." With that, she whispered the password to the door and stepped through with a final glance back. James stared after her with a smile, before turning back to his friends.
"See you three tomorrow at breakfast?" Sirius snorted slightly, handing over James's invisibility cloak. Remus could see that James had nearly forgotten they'd had the cloak originally, what with all that had happened that evening.
"Of course, why wouldn't you? Besides, I want to see everyone's faces when they realize that you and Evans are finally together after all these years. There were bets circling around about the two of you, and I finally get to collect my winnings."
"You made bets about us?" James asked, giving Sirius a strange look. His friend gave him a look that clearly said duh, and James merely shook his head. "Well, I'd better get to bed. Night guys." The rest of the Marauders repeated the farewell, turning to leave with one final wave. James turned to close the door, but before he managed to, Sirius turned back with a mischievous smirk.
"James!" His friend turned around with a curious expression, and Sirius's smirk grew wider. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." James looked some combination of amused and exasperated, but smiled anyway.
"That doesn't exactly narrow down the list, Pads," he pointed out wryly. He then glanced back into the room behind him. "Besides, that doesn't really matter. I get the feeling we'll have all the time we need, so there's really no need to rush things. We'll figure out how this works one day at a time. Things tend to have a way of working out in the way they were meant to happen." Remus smiled slightly, thinking back to both of his friends' joy earlier that evening when they finally decided to accept the risks that came with being together.
"Yeah," he said softly, "they do." He didn't say anything more, at least not right then, but something in him somehow knew that something amazing would come from all of this. There was a slight feeling of foreboding, but it was overwhelmed by the feeling that something incredible would make any troubles worth it. After all, the world would never stand a chance against the forces of nature that were James Potter and Lily Evans.