AN/ Shippo is one of my favorite characters ever made, so a chance for developing him a bit :D I love him. PLEASE read every QUOTE, they are important. THIS IS SOOOO UNCORRECTED, I mean I made the thing up basing myself in some experience I read somewhere (if I remember it I will post a link) anyways
THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH INUYASHA, personal fic.
Summary: They said it was just a call but a mere call can't do what this one did to him.
OOOOO
Stay Strong.
"Guys with help comes hope, remember we all matter." The trainer turned around and pointed at her own head, "Keep our slogan in mind."
"Yes Erika." They all said in unison.
Some nervous gazes made their coach sigh in empathy, she couldn't avoid the counsel "First call will always be the most difficult of all this experience. Remember who is the caller, why is he or she calling, keep close attention and guys, empathy is your empowerment key."
Shippo exhaled nervously, his first job was about to start, after this short meeting with his trainer, and after learning for the last three months how to develop in this complicated task, he would be just in track to start. With a blink, he could see some coworkers were calmer than others and thankfully he was just not like the girl munching her nails in the backseats.
He just turned eighteen and for some monetary reasons, he knew he needed to get a job, at first he thought it would not be his forte but at the end some cheers and friends he managed to develop in the area he felt more optimistic to start, he thought, well why the hell not?
"Grab your belongings, leave your phones inside your assigned lockers, and meet me in the third floor." She turned and crossed the doorframe, "Don't be nervous guys, we are assisting people."
He nodded and stood up, with his coworkers behind, the newly adult ginger was guided to the elevator and with another shaky groan he prepared to ascend to the third floor as assigned.
Once in it, the doors opened for him to enter the operation floor, he saw many people in their cubicles, with their headphones on, he was able to devise many people somewhat relaxed with smiling faces, he could not lie, others seemed bored and more frustrated than he could even imagine.
"It's just a call-center Shippo." He reminded himself, with a heave of breath, he was guided by his trainer and floor support to a certain area of desks, the rows were never-ending in his opinion, he was seated in one of the last places.
He felt even more nervous as he was fairly away from his friends, after he asked for a reassignment that it was obviously denied because he should concentrate in the task at hand, he mentally berated himself to start. With unstable and cold hands, he pushed the ON button and jumped slightly as the monitor went on.
Calm down.
Some last instructions were given.
The trainer's loud voice was somehow calming "If you think you can't handle the call, then call the Supportive Queue, in your Avaya, you can dial 1655 and then select Transfer-"
Okay.
"-Empathy guys, if the caller is dismissive put on speaker, I can help you too. Remember to proper salute the caller when you first hear him-"
"-Now Auto-in guys!"
Alright.
Shippo placed his headphones on place and the side microphone was located directly in front of his mouth, with a short gulp of air and once the monitor showed the entire running program, he decided it was time; the click was easy "Ready" it read.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
I am ready.
Click.
"Thank you very much for calling Suicide Prevention Lifeline, this is Shippo you will be speaking to, let me help you the best way I can."
Though his breathing was ragged, he knew better to feign some serenity, after his heart pummeled violently, he heard a faint voice at the other side of the line.
"Hey..."
"Hey friend," The monitor was immediately patched with the caller's area information; he smiled the best way he could and continued, "Tell me, what led you to call, I am here to listen to you."
"I dunno... I... I think... I am not.."
"Its okay friend, first let me get some information, would you mind?"
"…no." It was very faint but enough to confirm someone was at the other side.
"Would you mind if I have your name?" Shippo breathed to relax; his hands started tapping the keyboard with the information at hand.
"Youki..."
"Alright Youki, how old are you?"
He heard a sigh and a dismissive 'bye', panic arose in him, "Wait Youki-"
Youki hung up.
At first experience, Shippo felt his ribcage constricted and with eyes wide open, he clicked the "Not Ready" Button.
FUCK
"Hey Erika!" He stood up, "The caller hung up on me, he or she barely spoke... I-I didn't mean to screw it-"
"Calm down, these things happens, call the caller back Shippo, remember why are we here for."
He nodded and sat again, once his hand went from iceberg temperature to human's level and the headphones were back in place, he decide to check the Avaya's history activity, with the incoming number he was able to call the named Youki again, beep, beep, beep
Come on Youki answer please, don't be dead.
"Yeah…"
He relaxed.
"Youki, friend, we lost connection for some reason, my apologizes."
"Ah... yeah sorry." after some silence, he mumbled, "thanks for calling back." His tone was far from impolite, the saddened tone Youki's voice was bathed in made Shippo's throat constrict and he wondered whether he was ready for this kind of job.
"It's okay" After he remembered the calls he listened in the training area, he fisted one of his hands and breathed as easy as he could, "Listen Youki," As in training, he kept his voice non-intrusive and gentle, "-you called for a reason and don't worry, I am here to help you, okay?"
"...okay..."
"Alright, let me listen to you, why are you calling?"
"Feel lonely..." He heard Youki sigh wordlessly "I think I am... unnecessary... here."
"Why would you think that?"
He heard some uneasiness in the other line, "I... I can't describe what I feel; you don't know the amount of courage it took me to call... I just felt like talking..."
"It's okay Youki, you are a very courageous person for calling us, and I do thank you a lot for it, don't worry Youki, tell me all your thoughts, tell me everything you think about, I won't judge you, it doesn't matter if you feel it's ridiculous, I am very experimented and I assure you that nothing that you say will change the fact that you are a human being that deserves to live."
Proud by his systematic statement Shippo permitted himself to smile, the lack of experience showed the amount of insecurity he had in handling these calls, he almost read the ridiculously formal script, he knew he sounded fake but the same nervousness didn't allow him better.
"Thanks... I guess... but... people like you receive calls of people with worst problems than mines, and yet here I am calling a suicide hotline-"
As per training, he knew the worst thing he could do was give the caller or the person in question `the absolute reason` for it would only worsen his or her mental state.
"There is no such thing as big or minor depression or issue, I won't judge you and I won't run on prejudices, I will help you get through it if you allow me, tell me everything that is bothering you, tell me everything that is not in place, I will give you reasons to feel better."
For some reason, the systematic script suddenly turned into something going out of his chest.
"…I just… feel… like there is no escape, I just want to mute everything from my life…"
"I understand the feeling, I do, but it doesn't have to be the end of your world-"
"... I just think, I have no... escape... just die and-"
"Listen Youki, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. "
"No that's not true..."
"Think about it Youki, remember that there are no stars without darkness, in all, you have to learn to see the good sides from your life-"
Youki sighed, "You won't understand… I feel so alone... I don't think nobody will ever miss me if I suddenly disappear..."
"Youki you won't live for nobody to notice, you will live because of you."
"But it's so horrifying; life became horrifying, I am scared... I-I... I wouldn't sound so desperate if I knew you... I-I my mom always told me, Youki smile, be gentle, be nice, be unconditional to those who love you and-" Shippo heard a small sob and he felt something tugging at his heart. "I've tried to be gentle, I've swallowed many things and my mom said I should be forgiving people who made mistakes with me and yet... All I have in return is hate."
"Listen-"
"No, listen, I thought I was unconditional, I thought I made people feel better but still in my worst and darkest times, I never had a shoulder to rely and it can't be possible, I can't be the victim all the time, there has to be a problem, for some reason, I don't inspire love to anybody, they won't owe me not even a fake hug…. Nobody… It can't be everyone… it must be me."
"They surely are being selfish and sometimes Youki, the kindest of people tend to be mistreated, don't ask me why, but I do know it's sometimes a fact."
"It doesn't matter if I thought I was being mild, people just don't see me that way, they see a bad, hypocrite in search of what…. I feel so bad about myself, I'm a disgrace; I am a horrible person... No, the world isn't against me, it's me… It's just me…."
"You are not a horrible person okay? You don't deserve under any circumstance to be called that way."
It was the very first time Shippo heard such disturbing comments coming directly from a person, he read in the past about those thoughts but never had he imagined he would sooth those sentiments down.
"I walk step by step and it doesn't matter if I suddenly don't, it feels so lonely in the nights, I want to be the protagonist of some chivalry of friends, maybe a love… but, I won't deserve it, all I deserve is the negativism I can receive…"
Shippo was flabbergasted, his voice wasn't coated with a begging to be contradicted, Youki's voice was convinced, was condemning and self-hating.
"...I don't have friends, I am so alone and if I am alone... then I must be a horrible person, a person nobody wants to deal with... my mom said that cruel people tended to be... lonely and I am..."
"Well that is not necessary true, you don't sound like a cruel person."
"But people hate me, there must be a reason under it, it is not possible everyone is against me because I am nice? I am not stupid okay? I can't find kindest anywhere I go; I have tried to give a chance to the excluded people because I tend to feel like them and yet, not even them. I must be irritating"
The voice on the other side of the line sounded desolated, miserable and Shippo couldn't even imagine appearances; all he knew was that a very young voice sounded as if the deepest anguish had reached its surfaced agony. And it wasn't a pleasant sensation at all.
"They don't hate you like you claim... maybe you-"
"I screw everything that gets close to me, I am simply a bad person and people don't deserve to be around me, I always do unforgivable stuff you know?"
Shippo heard some shifting; he heard the desolated voice lowering to a barely understandable whisper, he heard some tormented sobs again. He could scarcely believe someone felt as abandoned as that young person at the other side of the auricular probably felt.
He knew he couldn't ask why was he feeling that way, he knew this illness didn't have answers, all he knew is that people like him felt at a breath of their breaking points. Probably even further it.
"Well if the people around you can't forgive your mistakes then they are not true friends, alright? Maybe you are not in the correct place. But I assure you are worth good."
He heard him breathing anguished snivels of sheer pain, "Not here, not Singapore, not in school, in my neighborhood, accept it must be me…"
Shippo couldn't understand how people with such kind voice like his were permitted and abandoned to drown in such a dangerous spiraling of pain.
If he were forsaken to feel lonely, and if he felt as lost as Youki probably felt, his last and almost non-optional supply would be calling a toll-free center like the one he was working in, so he assumed the situation was worst than he firstly imagined.
All the thoughts made his chest constrict even tighter, for he didn't know how many resources the young boy tired out already, all he knew is that this deprived resource was probably his last resource.
And his very last attempt to feel hope.
"That's not true, listen-"
"N-Nowhere then, I-I am such a horrible person, I don't deserve friends, I don't even have them. I must deserve it and I never said this aloud, but… today… I just felt like finally… spilling."
"Youki-"
"People tend to prefer me away… they say I'm a bad, cruel, worthless person… that I should be gone already, that at the end... Nobody would- woul-" He heard a sob, "That nobody would even miss me."
The saddest part that if a person like him was calling, it meant he was willing to feel fine, it wasn't that he didn't want, probably he couldn't, or he didn't know how, but the willpower was there, the determination, the cooperation, he could hear the desperation to be given reasons to be alive. He could feel the young boy's willpower to be welcomed to life again.
"Youki, easy, you know…" His voice was gentle and reassuring, "You sound like a very young and sad person, but I don't hear anything close to cruelness, nor I hear any glint of evilness in your voice, and boy, I've dealt with many people in the past…"
Youki heaved breathless and then another heart-breaking sob followed, "I feel horrible…"
"You sound…" Shippo upturned his tone of voice to a more playful pitch "You don't sound like a monster, hmmm" He leered jokingly, "Nor do you sound like an ogre, who could be at the other side of the line? Hmmm I know, a human being, for that I am sure"
Shippo heard a short innocent laugh and it made him smile, "Youki, you don't need to feel ashamed nor you need to hate yourself for all you are feeling okay? You are still valuable, you are still important, regardless of any dark comment you have heard along your way, you are worth it."
He could hear his cries on the other line of the phone and his throat tapered; he never knew it could be so challenging to deal with these kinds of calls, his eyes watered up by the same desperation and the same desire to make all those darkened thoughts disappear.
"…Then tell me because it's not possible, I must be and I am disgusting, it can't be, the whole world can't be against me because of nothing and I am not making things up. I simply don't inspire any positivism and I tried to make those close to me, safe, that they had someone alongside them."
"Youki there are people who will trigger those dreadful thoughts about yourself, those murky comments can ooze out of them because they are upset or even they feel miserable about themselves as well, perhaps they don't even know the consequences they have in you, they probably are not aware and I doubt they want to seriously harm you, you sound nice."
Shippo heard another astringent sob, "…n-no… I w-wish… they said that to h-harm me, they say it because it's true, I'm not inventing anything for god's sake, I am not…."
"I never said you did, but I don't believe they are right so, if you don't have any reliable person then you should not concentrate in that people, Youki if they don't like you, it doesn't mean you are a bad person-"
"Nobody would miss me if I were gone…"
"Do you have any girlfriend or boyfriend?"
Shippo heard him snivel devastatingly again, "I-I have a boyfriend..."
"Okay, you have a boyfriend, he would miss you if you were gone, people around you would deeply miss you and if you were dead, they would cry you forever, you are important for who you are."
"N-no... He would not. I've broken him once or twice, I mean... I screw things up between us; he doesn't trust me any longer and... I-I can't cope to be without him...it's not his fault... it's mine..."
"No listen Youki, it doesn't matter how bad the things between you guys are, but if he is still with you it means he cares for you and the same, I assure many people do."
"No, he stays with me because I guess… I'm a good fuck, he is already over me, he no longer harvest feelings for me and I can't blame him, I have done many horrible things to him too... it is my entire fault."
"Listen-"
"His eyes are so cold towards me, he thinks I'm playing fool, I hate to cry in front of me, I have heard him say he doesn't want me, he doesn't love me and he says he is not sorry… he feels it, he isn't angry…. I fool myself thinking it's his way of coping with his anger…"
"…"
"But it's not, it's only that he is tired of me, of what we have and it's everything I have… Not even the person who is supposed to love feels anything close to longing for me, he doesn't need me; I can't blame him Shippo… I wouldn't feel it either if my lover was me, you think I think, I remotely deserve him? I'm horrible… I can regard highly of myself…"
"No Youki, you are not horrible and the mistakes you have made are completely normal, everybody makes mistakes, a mistake won't make you a horrible worthless person, okay?"
"But mines are unforgivable, I... If people prefer to be away from me is because I am appalling. People can't trust me and I don't know why I always make mistakes, and then…" Shippo heard a deep breathing, "Then they prefer… me off… I screw everything up."
"No, I just think you need to focus on other people, on other matters actually, if your boyfriend or the friends you have there are no reliable option when you feel down, it means they are not worth your time, Youki stay away from people who makes you think you are hard and difficult to love."
"I-I am hard to love..." Shippo didn't know who was the person at the other side, he only knew this person was a breath away from a dangerous nerve wreck, he knew he had to ease him down. "R-Requires… m-much time to love m-me… people that meet me think I-I'm unpleasant…"
"Hmm..." Shippo made a loud thoughtful sound, his heart wishing he could make him smile again, it all seemed hard for him to cope, "You don't sound mean, nor rude, lemme see," he smiled, "You don't sound presumptuous or envious..."
Wiping some tears away, Youki smiled, "You sound kind hearted, you must be very friendly, you don't sound aggressive, maybe you have made mistakes like me, like everyone in this floor, and it's normal, you don't need to think that way about yourself."
"If you knew me you would be probably hating me like the rest, they can't stand me... boys can't stand me, girls can't stand me, they push me down me when they can, they come to say I'm disgusting, that I am a fag and... they are so rude I just pretend I don't hear them... but I am so sick… I don't want to hear it anymore…" Shippo heard another round of tear-jerking sobs, his hands fisted and he just couldn't believe the level of cruelness people was allowed to have, especially with people like him.
Youki's voice was tender, yet broken, he could not understand how people didn't notice how ill he was and if they did, that made them monstrous.
"Alright, but you know? I haven't talked to them and I truly think they are rude, they are cruel, and they must be presumptuous and spiteful... And you? I think you are nice, I want you to understand you are worth it, under any circumstance you should take what they say as a fact, if they are bullies then their opinion shouldn't affect you."
"….They are right… after all that's what I am…."
"No Youki, that's bullying and you know what experts say about bullies? Insecure and unhappy people shaming what they fear are superior people so they can feel either accepted or good with their own persona, if you are a target of it, it's not your fault, you are not what they say and it doesn't mean you deserve it." Shippo heard how he broke into pitiful and powerless cries, "Easy, Youki don't cry, there is hope okay?"
"b-but I-I can't seem t-to find it Shippo...please help me, I feel so desperate..."
Shippo gulped, in his whole existence did he expected to hear those lamenting cries in a phone call, "I am here to help you okay? I don't think you are horrible, I think you worth every second standing where you are okay? Not everything is lost."
"...I don't know... I'm so alone... I want to disappear and stop feeling so abandoned... I... I-I hate myself so much... I wish I was someone else"
Shippo breathed, Youki's own desolation was starting to affect his own stability.
"No, you are fine just the way you are, Okay let me ask you Youki, how old are you?"
"I'm sixteen." Shippo muted the microphone and gasped, he couldn't believe he was speaking with such a young person, he felt his heart tugging again, after a second of puffed cries, he heard the faint voice asking "You?"
Shippo narrowly smiled, his heart was constricted and just like he imagined, Youki was an emotionally devastated person with the whole youthful provinces ahead, and that made it even more difficult to witness "I'm... I am eighteen."
"Great I have an old friend." the innocent laugh made Shippo smile and gulp yet again, he muted his microphone and reached for his bottle of water, his lips felt dry and after refreshing he breathed and determined to liberate some of his self-hatred.
"Yes you do, I am your friend, now Youki have you ever went to a psychiatric?" With the information that popped in his screen he started searching for a close psychiatry affordable center.
…
Shippo stopped tapping once he heard Youki breathing doubtfully.
"Yes..." He heard Youki's tongue clicking in sheer uncertain, almost ashamed of his words "I am not crazy alright? But I have diagnosed clinical depression with psychotic suicidal tendencies, plus anxiety disorder."
Shippo considered in connecting the line with the Support Queue but breathed and decided Youki would feel considerably worse if he transferred the call to someone else even if that meant the other person would be more trained, surely Youki would feel abandoned yet again. "Psychotic? That means you have tried to kill yourself more than twice right?"
"Three times, I... don't know, I don't do anything right... not even that, but I've been persistent. My boyfriend thinks I'm overacting things but... I swear I am not… I just feel so bad about myself."
"You are not overacting anything okay? You have been diagnosed, you are not crazy okay? You don't need to hurt yourself any longer. Stop trying to harm yourself; it is not an option Youki, hurting yourself is not an option anymore, okay?"
Shippo heard a small okay and he breathed, "alright Youki, what do you do in your spare time, you know? Even better, tell me your daily routine, yes?"
He heard Youki sigh distantly, almost tiredly about just remembering.
"I have to wake up at 4:00 am I have to go to school, I'm always late, I'm out at 1:00 pm, then I go to the psychiatric… I'm only free at 5:00 pm… I go to my house and eat something, do my homework and then I go out to my... neighborhood and see some people..."
Shippo felt concerned by all that he was hearing, "I see my boyfriend and then I go back at my house around 11:00 pm, I feel so stressed and I feel tired..."
Shippo couldn't believe a sixteen year old boy lived in those conditions, so exposed, so neglected, so alone.
"Don't you think it would be better if you slept a bit after you eat?" Though Shippo was very aware his work didn't rely in advising his caller for major routine changes and his work only meant to ease the caller for a day, there was something about Youki's voice that made him want to truly help him.
"No, if I do that, my relationship with my boyfriend will get colder than it already is and I will finally lose him for being lazy."
"Youki, if he truly loves you he will-"
"The problem is I know he does not, he laid the card on the table, he said he is better without me…. It's me the one who is still clinging... but he is too careless with me at this point, it's not his fault... I-I made so many mistakes with him in the past, is just fair he doesn't want me anymore."
"Listen, it would be preferable and healthier if you weighted your relationships, Youki, there are so many people that would be glad to love you, they would be glad to have you and still you are thinking some people are indispensable, you are indispensable, your life is worth it."
"... Sure... I just know I'm insignificant and... I just grew tired of this... he said if I were to be gone, he would be eventually fine... and that means I wouldn't harm anyone if I jumped. Like think about it, if I'm dead I am not harming anyone… I'm just freeing myself."
"If you jumped?" Eyes widening, Shippo stood up. "Where are you Youki?"
"A jump to feel better."
He muted Youki and turned the speaker on, he shouted, "Erika!"
The alluded turned around to spot Shippo's cubicle.
"My caller is on a roof, he is about to jump!" she ran to him and watched the Avaya's call count, 45:16 Real time Speaking.
"Holy Shit." Erika mumbled, her strutting eyes directed at him, "Speak to your caller, let him know this is no way a solution."
Shippo un-muted, "Youki, friend, please, go back home, I promise everything will get better," His hands grew cold and his throat dried up.
"... It just won't."
He muted the speaker again, "Erika! What the fuck do I do!" desperation made its presence in Shippo's eyes.
"Shippo! The first thing to ask is where the caller is! Look what happens! If you knew from the beginning he was there, we would have called the police department and he would be safer than right now-!"
"Erika what the fuck do I do?!"
"Alright, calm the caller and sooth him down, I'll connect the police station."
Shippo nodded and un-muted, "Youki?"
"Yeah, I thought you hung up."
"No, how would I? Listen Youki, suicide is not an option okay? "
"I just feel hopeless."
"There is always hope Youki, I know you are not a bad person, so please, move from where you are, go back to your place and sleep just a bit, it doesn't have to end this way okay?"
"It won't get better, you don't know how insignificant I am, I am nobody with a hopeless life... I just waste space and believe me, you are the only one who is seemingly concerned."
"Youki you need to realize your worth, people will deeply miss you, you are beloved and you have made impacts in the people you know."
"None of them care enough, and it's not their fault, I have made bad life decisions, I have chosen people over people than didn't worth it, I have lost so much along the way, I have nobody and I feel incredibly alone."
"You matter more than you know. Youki you have many reasons to live, people are not all that matter, you are intelligent, I bet you are beautiful, you have a forgiving heart, remember what your mother said? Youki be gentle? You have accomplished that, so please" Shippo's voice dripped desperation, "Please don't do it, you are worth it I know it, you are young, you will meet many people in the future."
"I feel tired of trying."
"Look Youki, you haven't meet people that will love you, that's for sure, you haven't met lovers, you haven't met friends that will worth it, it is just a matter of time."
"Time has exhausted me Shippo." Shippo could perceive another soundless cry, his hands were still frozen and his ribcage was determined to hammer as loud as feasible.
"It doesn't have to end this way, I am not the last person you will speak to, you need to go safely down there and I need you to go back home."
Shippo heard a shaky breath and if he lent enough attention, he could hear the violent gush of wind against his caller, he knew for a fact that Youki was definitely not lying about his current position.
..."Thank you Shippo, you know...? I couldn't call my boyfriend, I am afraid he will say 'ugh again' like he always does, it makes me anxious to think he thinks I am overdoing stuff... I feel so ashamed of myself when he implies it. I just wanted to talk this down... I needed to let go before I leave and even if nobody will ever know what I felt like, because of what we spoke I feel better. Nobody that I know has ever told me I was worth it, so thank you Shippo, you helped me greatly."
"Wait please, wait please, Youki there is always another way-"
"I have dealt with this loneliness... for so long… I've just come across many people who are more concerned if I'm going to kill myself and make them feel guilty rather than caring if I actually die... its fine I guess lonely people deserve their loneliness somehow, I include myself of course."
"Listen, try to rel-"
"Of course my last intention would be making them feel anywhere close to guilty… so I didn't leave a note…. What I just said, people are more concerned if I will mention them in my suicide note than the actual idea of me writing one."
"Youki, despair and anger are guiding you wrongly, it is not the way to solve things, I know you are upset to all those who had given you their back and probably you don't even feel upset but deserving, I assure you, this is not the way."
Shippo's hands started shaking, he could hear Youki's cries lessening, determination started reining his caller's voice, obviously it was not a positive thing, "You think I want to die? I don't… I want to live, I want to feel needed, Shippo… nobody has ever told me they need me… I want to feel loved, I just need someone to tell me they… they love me, I don't want to die, I am afraid of it… but when I look between life and death, life seems more scary."
"Oh my lord Youki don't say such things, I assure you people need you, if they have failed to make you feel it, it doesn't mean they don't… listen, we have a program to help you finance your treatment, I can fill an urgent request and I can assure you I can be back in contact with you, shortly, as fast as possible, so I can confirm and guide you through the pro-"
"That would only prolong it... Have you ever had a dog? when dogs are too sick and nothing makes them better, you know people put them to sleep... it's cruel to keep them alive right?... happens the same with people like me, if you keep on convincing me I have to give it another chance, I will do, but I will just gain more painful memories, and I will never learn how to cope with them. You care because it's part of your job, in one month you won't remember me and that's why I won't go home tonight."
"No listen that's not true, I feel genuine concern, listen I'll tell you, I'll tell you, this is my first call and I never expected to get so personal with someone in this job, please-"
"…but you have done a perfect job, I want to let you know, you are the best counselor I could have ever wished for. I am sorry I can't be a success not even for you… but I'll feel better once I'm gone… and this person that's standing here, this same person that felt so alone for over a decade now, feels overwhelmed in genuine joy, at least for a night, I was subject of concern and true companionship"
"You are a human being, you can get better, you just need some assistance, but we can control t-"
"Today, you have made something very noble and something I thought to be impossible in my state, Shippo, you have made the loneliest feel cherished, and I'll send you my last breath, I promise you, stranger, you will be the person I'll thank when I get going, after all my mom always said I should thank those who saved me, in any possible meaning ever defined."
"Youki please- list-"
"And you have saved me from thinking I was alone… now I'm happy and it doesn't look so scary anymore…"
"Listen Youki, this is not an option, this is not the way-"
"Thank you Shippo, you helped me more than my closest people ever did. I wish I have met you."
"Youki p-"
"You know?"
Shippo's eyes chest filled with a powerless sentiment, his tongue felt tied and the tears started spilling, "Youki, please, I need you to live-"
"I miss my mother."
And he hung up.
Shippo shut down the computer and threw away the headphones; his hands went up to his eyes as he swore he heard his own heart breaking apart.
Erika put her hand on his shoulder.
"We sent the police but I guess it's too late." Her usual cold eyes softened as she heard her apprentice silently crying. She sighed.
"Shippo I'm sorry a call like this was your first call," She kneeled to be at his level, "We call this Black Callers, they are also part of our job, we don't always save our callers, but that's what we are here for, to save many more, maybe you could not save him, but you can save a hundred tomorrow."
"And so he was right, he is just a number I'll forget in a month, he sounded so desperate. I can't believe he was only sixteen, living by his own, alone, mistreated and... "
"It's okay, it happens Shippo... you have to learn to keep your feelings more distant with your caller, I know you can develop genuine concern when you hear a child like him stating such disturbing content, but you can't die along the people that die every day after they call us."
"B-but... I, I"
"Lift your head, see?" She pointed at the Supportive Queue, who where located not too far from their cubicles, "Those have experience, Ryu, the red-head you see there? He seems very relaxed, right? He failed in soothing a Black Caller less than five minutes ago, is he-"
"I don't care whether I did my fucking job wrong or not, all I know is that I wanted to save him, I wanted to know he was going to sleep fine tonight, I wanted to know he wouldn't receive the aggressive bullying he was receiving anymore, I wanted to know he was going to be fine without his boyfriend or this guy would realize how lonely his lover felt, for fuck's sake! Erika he was so kind, he even thanked me when I did give him reasons to live!"
"Shippo this is our job, like doctors and 911 emergency operators, we can't die with every caller we speak with… I understand this was your first call-"
"I-I r-refuse Erika, I refuse! To think such a broken person was right to think he would not be missed!" Shippo's cries became desperate screeches of frustration and lute. "It's easy to retail, its easier to say he died but that person who died, lived every second of their existence feeling miserable!"
Shippo's hands covered his eyes and with a hunched position, his eyes spilt with the frustration and vertical anguish he never knew he could feel for a stranger.
…
Erika stood and breathed again, after letting Shippo cry for a couple of minutes, she proceeded.
"Look Shippo, I didn't sleep for a complete week after my first call," She heaved yet another sigh and though her voice was reluctant to carry on she continued, " it was also a Black Caller, her name was Maki, Imiya Maki…."
Shippo's hands left his crying eyes and with hopeless sigh, his head lifted to gaze at Erika.
"She shot herself in the head right after I tried to sooth her down. I cried her two days genuinely heart-broken; she had this monotone voice but deep down everything she said were of that deeply depressed person… my heart ached every time I remember her voice."
Shippo shook his head in empathy, she kept going, "When she said she had a loaded gun, I understood she said it because with a single call she managed to trust me… I wanted to run and search for her, of course I couldn't since I didn't want to lost connection with her but I always thought it wouldn't have been impossible since we lived in the same area… to meet her wouldn't have been impossible… I kept berating myself with that thought."
"Same area?" Shippo's asked in shaky breath of pure desolation.
"Remember a caller will always be redirected to the nearest center because in some cases it is possible to send a counselor to their house, if they need company… we call those groups White Saviors, so these callers that we receive live near us."
"I could have offered him my company?"
"A counselor not you, White Saviors are heavily trained for this area, however you don't need to berate yourself with those possibilities like I did, every day I learned something new…. I thought of how it could have been help to her…"
"… Did you hear the shot?"
"No, she said her initial plan was not so good, she confessed she wanted to traumatize someone like the world traumatized her…. But she said she felt different and didn't want to harm me…"
Erika breathed and cleared her voice, "Eventually she thanked me and hung up… I was devastated, I spent almost two hours or so with her on the phone, and it still feels as the most everlasting bond I have made in such a short time…. Might sound exaggerated and I wished she knew she made an impact on me."
"Youki just wanted a reason to live… you know? He didn't have any hidden reason…"
"All callers are different… Youki was more depressed than upset, Maki was completely appalled by all the suffering…"
"…" Shippo sighed again "If I'm going to die this way everyday then I would prefer to quit…"
"You might think all calls will be this difficult, they are not, actually this call will be, I assure you the toughest of your time here, you are already over it… your coworkers can receive easier calls or may have received, but they have yet to know how a call like this impacts."
"… I don't want to forget him; I don't want him to be right in his statement…. He was not just a number…"
"If it serves you, next day I saw the new of Maki on the newspaper…. I still have a photograph of her in my office."
Shippo's tears started falling again, "You remember her, and she was not just a number."
"Of course she was not, she gave me strength to be better with my callers, she made an impact in me, of course after her I received many more Black Callers and though I felt each of their deaths, I certainly can tell you those experiences only make us better agents. You will save many more, you will have more wins than loses, I assure you."
Shippo nodded and despite it, his eyes closed in steep sadness.
"…Youki died, I-I just think he… I just think he needed a shoulder to cry on and that's it."
"And Maki wanted to be a boy, she dressed up as one, she was discovered and later bullied, See Shippo? We might think we can fix their problems, sure we must try, but we need to grow up with the fact that not all our callers will live and if they called is because they are constantly thinking about dying."
"... I-I couldn't stop him."
"And you will be my best agent, I see my pain in your eyes, I was devastated for Maki, in this kind of jobs one wishes one was the closest person to the person who dies, I wished I was Maki's friend, sister or even lover, it's a strange phenomenon you will experience along the way, you tend to wish you had given the opportunity to heal them, to be the companionship people missed to give them. Like in your case, you can even wish you were his brother and wonder why you weren't born close to him."
"... Yes."
"Its part of the process, Shippo you will grow colder against these cases and more experimented; I am genuinely sorry you had to take such a difficult call."
"No he was not difficult, he was very mild, I don't want to grow colder, he seemed to find relief for the things I said, I just didn't know he was on the rooftop and that made it hard, I thought he was going to live."
"It happens all the time, we always think he or she is going to live. That's our goal after all."
"Erika I feel so bad…"
Erika proceeded to hug his agent "I know, I know it, Go out if you want, you can go to the shock room okay? It's part of the experience."
Shippo stood and walked out of the room. Certainly enough, he was trained and educated he was going to inevitably receive these calls, but at the end, one heart is never prepared to hear the crushing of someone's will to live.
Shippo couldn't even sleep that night. Next day, the first thing he did was turn on the news and when he didn't find Youki's name anywhere, he went out and returned home with the newspaper in hand, his heart darkened profusely at one little article, though the lines were few and unfortunately they were more dedicated to the statistics of teen suicide, it was still about a young boy who jumped 19 floors to the ground, Youki's name was there, Shippo's heart fractured again, the clean school-type photograph was all it took for him to cry again.
Youki was all he imagined him to be, full of life with bright and playful eyes that sustained a shaded melancholy undergo; those alive yet sad eyes were the only evidenced of Youki's deep depression. At just sixteen his youthful flush remained vivid with all the life he was promised to have.
Shippo's smile was sad, Youki was pretty in all the esthetical forms but what called his attention the most, was in how accurate he was in thinking Youki possessed the kindest of smiles.
Sadly enough, this world would never see a warmer smile, not until Youki got to born again….
.
"If you know someone who's depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn't a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they're going through. Be there for them when they come through the dark side. It's hard to be a friend to someone who's depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do."
―
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AN/ PLEASE READ THIS, this is very important to share with you:
.
Despite your patience level, depressive people should not be our easiest option to burst out to, out of the contrary, depressive people need more attention, more affectionate words and more love than a regular person does. Not because it's usual for him or her to feel sad you need to stop caring or ignore it. They notice it, and sometimes it makes it harder for them to cope.
They are unfortunately going through a serious Illness, sometimes its mortal, and the same way we feel compassion for those who are sick with cancer, we should feel compelled in helping depressive people. Just as a cancer patient, a depression patient is also blameless. Just because the symptoms are not visible for you, it doesn't mean they don't exist.
When you get upset/angry or when you are mean/offensive to a depressive person, you are further pushing them to a never ending swirl of negativity. Maybe you are upset, but they do see the world differently than we do. They over-think and harm their own persona as a cause; they tend to perceive the world as an unfathomable space of hopelessness and loveless sentiments, directed or against them.
You will only hurt them more than you expect or intend to, someone's mental stability should not be left behind only because you fail to control your anger. Keep in mind you might have someone's life in your hands.
People turn to suicide when the emotional pain overwhelms their coping resources. Suicide is felt most often when people are in the depths of depression, a common but treatable mental health concern.
There is help for suicide. Why get help? Because suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
The Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. If you need help, please dial: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
SUICIDE SHOULD NEVER BE AN OPTION.
-By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
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AN again/ (I DIDN'T WRITE THAT OBVIOUSLY, Dr John M. did, so I'm glad you read it.)
I read an agent's experience working on a Suicide prevention lifeline call center, it was a really bitter thing to read, I still feel very moved every time I remember it.
It was very harsh to read, it ended like in this story and this person who attended the call was highly affected, I could not ignore it and this is my way to encourage people to befriend those who are really lonely, you don't know if you are saving someone's life.
I made a vast investigation about these altruist call centers and I even listened to a couple of recordings.
I wanted to include what John M. Grohol, Psy.D. Said about depression, I saw this in the same post where I found the agent's experience and people pointed out it was highly important.
By the way, I have written a similar thing about these two in the past and probably the idea is overused but the post I read about the agent's experience made me incredibly sad, especially because it reminded me of the many cases I have read about suicidal teens such as Amanda Bynes and Phoebe Prince. And of course because my original character Youki is very genuine about this issues. The letter of the agent said "Spread the world and carve conscience in others as best as you can" This is my contribution.
I hope you guys understand it.
PS: Ranma is NOT meant to be anywhere near a villain role, this is just a very pessimistic way suicidal people think. We don't know what Ranma thought; perhaps he was also broken hearted. Probably he was, yep, he was, I decided he was.
Remember is my OTP lol.
Shippo is just like Youki's brother, I guess… sometime lmao
Maybe it was a dull topic and maybe I have written about it before but I think I never used those dialogues before. LOL
Anyways, this is meant to be a s/o to everyone who is dealing with the hopelessness.
You are not alone.
Stay strong.
Batya