Baz

It had been 5 years since he left me. 5 years since my whole world crumbled and 5 years since the literal light of my life was ripped from my arms. At first, I stayed in my house and drank until the room was spinning and I couldn't feel anymore. Then, when I ran out of alcohol, I got so depressed that I didn't eat or sleep or drink or move. Penny had been checking on me on a regular basis, so when she found me, on the floor of my bedroom, dehydrated, starved, exhausted, and overall looking like hell, she took over.

Penelope Bunce was the reality check I so desperately needed and for that, I will never be able to thank her enough. She picked my limp, lifeless body up off the ground and shoved me into the bathroom. She put her back to the door and declared I wouldn't be able to come out until I had showered and was wearing clean clothes. Once Penelope Bunce has made up her mind, it doesn't change. So I gave in and showered, but I still felt like absolute shit, so she sat me down at my dining room table and sat there, staring at me, until I had drank a couple glasses of water and ate about half the food she had put in front me.

I couldn't tell you what I ate that day, in fact I can barely remember the day at all, because when I had finished eating, Penny told me she had been worried about me because he had been acting very similarly to how I was. That's when I lost it. I started yelling and screaming about how he had no fucking right to be upset and that he did this to me. She just looked at me, her eyes saying she was sorry. Tears were streaming down my face and I had never felt so full of rage, so misunderstood, so pitied. Penny left after that and didn't come back for awhile. I hadn't realized until much later how much of a bloody prat I was being, I was too far gone.

I remember feeling nothing but anger and hatred towards him, and he may have frustrated the hell out of me sometimes, but I never, not even once, hated him before. It just made everything hurt more. After a couple months, my hate slowly morphed into nothing. I was numb and empty. A hollowed out shell of someone I didn't know. (It's so cliche, I know, but it's the truth.) Unfortunately, even after all these years, the emptiness is still empty and the numb is still numb. People have told me I'll get over it and find someone else, but I just can't. He was the first boy I ever loved, hell, the first anyone I ever loved, and that will never change. And even before any of that, he was my best friend and I haven't seen him since the day he walked out of our room, out of our flat, and out of my life. Kind of.

For some reason, (I had no fucking idea why), he was still my friend on Facebook. About 5 months after he broke up with me and I decided to try out my social life again, I opened the app up to see if I even still had any friends left. I did. As the screen loaded and pictures popped up from people I didn't actually care about, one image made my heart stop, and then beat so fast I thought I could hear it. It was him. He was beaming a golden warm smile at the puppy that was snuggled against his chest. His ordinary extraordinary blue eyes sparkled at the animal in his arms and he just looked so happy… I blinked. I shouldn't have gotten this picture. It shouldn't be here. But it was. So I sat there, drinking in his bronze skin and tawny moles and strong arms and…. stop. You're only going to make it worse. This isn't good, this isn't healthy. But did I listen? Of course not. I loved Simon Oliver Snow and I still am so far in love with him that there's no getting out. But that's my problem.

He didn't post much, maybe about 5 or 6 pictures per week, and I always looked at them. Call me obsessive, and tell me I can't let go. It's true I can't, but I don't care. That was the only way I got to see him. I never liked or commented on them, I just looked. It wasn't until his birthday, about 6 months later, on June 21st, when I actually said something. He loves birthdays. He loves going to parties, buying presents and eating cake, but most of all, he loved his birthday. It was the one day he actually posted a lot on Facebook. Probably close to 25 pictures all of him eating birthday scones or Mint Aero bars or cake. There were also pictures of him opening presents and of people singing happy birthday. The last picture though, was what made me say something.

He was sitting somewhere dark, probably Penny's flat with the lights turned off, at a table with a large, homemade chocolate cake sitting in front of him. It was glowing, practically on fire, and probably stuffed with exactly 22 candes. Penny and Agatha are both looking at Simon, grinning at the look of childlike wonder that reflected in Simon's wide eyes. The firelight illuminating his gorgeous face made me realize just why I fell in love with this adorable idiot in the first place. My eyes sting and the picture grows blurry. I blink a couple times and growl. I hadn't cried in months, I wasn't going to start again. I hit the comment button and quickly typed out a sentence before I changed my mind. "Happy Birthday Snow." He never responded.

~One Year Later~

Simon's birthday pictures slowly filtered in throughout the day. He was at an amusement park, and looked like he was having the time of his life. He took rollercoaster selfies, and ate lots of cotton candy and slushies. Penny and Agatha are in a couple, mostly shown dragging Snow away from the rides they probably have already gone on. The last picture, was of him in a ferris wheel. But he wasn't alone. A girl was holding his hands, and staring at him with twinkling eyes while he gazed out the window in awe. She was stunning, with dark brown eyes and light olive skin. Her shoulder-length raven hair was silky and smooth, not a hair out of place. I would say I was happy he found someone and that it's good he moved on, but I don't want to lie. It hurts, more than I'd like to admit, even though it's been almost two years. I was so convinced that it would be me and him, us, and no one else. After loving him for so long, I didn't ever consider Simon and I being with anyone that wasn't the other. Obviously I was wrong. At least he's not with a guy. I don't think I would be able to handle that. I bit my tongue and jabbed at the comment button, "Happy Birthday Snow." He didn't respond.

~One Year Later~

He was at the beach this time. Over the course of the day, I watched him build sand castles and collect seashells and cook hot dogs. He played in the waves with Penny, while other people I didn't recognized filled the background. The raven haired girl was nowhere to be seen. This made me happy, (I know, I'm a terrible person), but not as happy as seeing his bare, sun-kissed skin dripping with salty water from the ocean. (What can I say? I'm gay as fuck and here was a picture of a beautiful and shirtless Simon Snow). Then I got to the last picture, taken at night, because the sun was setting and the sky was a deep purple and blue with a hint of yellow in the horizon.

Simon was walking along the beach, barefoot, with his arm wrapped around the waist of a tall girl with pale, ivory skin that glowed in the sunset. She was skinny, and her face was turned away from the photographer, but her long, light brown hair cascaded down her back in waves. She was very elegant-looking, even in ripped denim shorts and a red tank top, she was different than the other girl. This one, you could tell, was from a very nice family with money to spare, she just had a look about her….. Simon was never the serious relationship type, (with the exception of me), so it didn't surprise me when I saw he was with a different girl. But, the way he looked at her, with the smile that made me melt, and the eyes that said nothing but love, my heart started to ache. That was supposed to be me walking with him along a beach, him giving me that smile and those eyes, not her. But, I couldn't do one thing about it. So I tapped the comment button and said, "Happy Birthday Snow." He never responded.

~One Year Later~

For his 25th birthday, it looked like he was at a fancy restaurant, because he kept posting pictures of dishes that looked way too refined for the likes of Simon Snow. Earlier in the day, it had seemed he was at the mall, shopping with Penny and Agatha. They spent a lot of time centered around suits and tuxes and they took lots of pictures that showed him trying on many different styles and colors, (with constant snack breaks, of course). I personally liked the grey suit, it was fitted wonderfully, and it hugged his body in all the right places, (hey, I'm a sucker for a guy in a well-made suit, especially when that guy is Simon Snow), but they unfortunately chose a dark green one which was still nice, but I liked the other one better. The other pictures were all of the food, and one of a giant chandelier, so I couldn't tell who he was with or which restaurant he was dining at, but I had a feeling that Snow probably hated at least half of what was served to him. My thoughts were confirmed when his last picture was of him eating some midnight scones with the caption, "Birthday dinner wasn't that yummy… time for scones!" And he's not alone, because Simon fucking Snow is never alone.

Simon is scarfing down scones like they're going to disappear in a second if he doesn't eat them right then and there, but that's not what I'm looking at. There's yet another girl, sitting very close to him, watching him with amusement. Her eyes are a magnetic grey, her skin is rosy, and she has curly, ash blonde hair. And yet, there's something so very curious about her smile. It's a smirk, a light and playful one that falls so effortlessly on her lips, it tells me that she uses it all the time. It seems so familiar, and I don't know why. I'm exhausted, and it's getting late, so I find the comment button with my mouse and type out, "Happy Birthday Snow." He didn't respond.

~One Year Later~

It's been 5 years without Simon in my life. Today is his 26th birthday and I don't believe it. He's with a guy. He's with an actual fucking guy. And it's not me. The picture is similar to the very first birthday scene. Simon is sitting in somewhat darkness, with a brightly shining cake placed in front of him. However, this time he's not looking at the cake. He's looking at the guy beside him. The guy who has his eyes cast down at what I can only assume to be his phone, while Simon stares at him such adoration in his eyes that it's like a knife is being twisted deeper and deeper inside of me the longer I look. And then I take a closer look at the guy instead of just Simon, and I can see that he's very attractive, with a sort of poshness that makes you wonder how rich he really is. He has raven black hair that lines up with is impeccable jawline, and he has a long nose. His high forehead compliments his flawless widow's peak and makes his cheekbones look even sharper. His eyes are a dark brown and his skin is pale, which makes his eyes look even darker. His height is a good 3 inches taller than Simon, even with them both sitting down.

The guy seems perfect, especially when you look at the way Simon's staring at him, but he's on his fucking phone which makes me so fuc- OH MY GOD. IT'S ME. The guy could have been my twin. He looked almost exactly like me! I was skinnier, and the guy's eyes were way darker than mine, but the resemblance is uncanny. Why would he be with someone who looks like m- And then everything clicks. Even the girls had at least one trait very similar to me. The raven haired girl, the elegant tall and skinny girl with ivory skin, and the grey eyed girl with the playful smirk I always gave Simon. He saw a little bit of me in every single one of those girls, and now the new guy basically was me. It was always me, and, it was always him. I had to see him.

~The Next Morning~

He posted a picture from his favorite bakery today. He was eating a sour cherry scone, and if I hurried, I could maybe catch him before he finished devouring the 5th one, (the baker has to cut him off at 5 otherwise he'll eat every single one in the whole place). I grab my jacket and keys and I drive as fast as I can without killing me or anyone else, not that I'm really worried about that right now, I'm much more freaked about what the bloody hell I'm going to even say to him. I park across the street, and sprint towards the bakery. I throw the door open, not caring if I startle the shit out of some random stranger. Delicious, warm, buttery and sugary smells wash over me as my eyes scan the bakery for him. And suddenly, blue eyes meet mine. "Happy Birthday, Snow," I breathed.

~One Year Later~

A different guy is standing beside Simon in the picture this year. They appear to be in someone's flat, sitting in front of yet, another cake. Simon Snow has never looked happier, gazing up at the taller boy with nothing but love in his blue, blue eyes and the guy has his arms wrapped tightly around him, like he's scared to let Simon go. But he's not scared. He's whole. He's complete. He's in love. And I should know, because that guy is me.