SO HELLO THERE CHILDREN. It's time to gather round and let ol' Siddy here tell yah a tale or two about things that I came up with.

This particular idea was one I came up with years ago. Almost ten years ago actually. In fact you can go and see the very first iteration of this idea on my profile page. That version was a collab called 'A Better Kind of Evil', this is a MUCH BETTER AND COOLER AND SMARTER AND MORE HANDSOME VERSION of that story.

So I won't hold back on the minor spoilers. Yes, there are vampires in this story and yes, Dib becomes one. But how? Why? Those are all new questions with new answers to be found. This story has the same theme as the original, but is vastly different in almost any other aspect.

Anyway I'll quit me blabbin' and let ya'll get to the readin'. HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY!

"No ma'am, we can't fix your computer from here. You'll have to bring it in. No we can't do it over the internets. Yes I get that it's broken now, you'll have to bring it in. Ma'am I- No ma'am I- Please just- Ugh."

I put the phone down with no small amount of irritation and took off my glasses with one hand while pinching the bridge of my nose with the other.

This was hell. This was literally hell. I had always believed that an underworld existed, especially after seeing the Pig-Demon underworld as a child. However I never really considered how much worse it could possibly get.

Working customer service at JojaMart was possibly the worse variant of hell I had ever been through. Making it even more terrible was that I was easily the smartest person there. Not to brag but I was. I had a one fifty IQ. The kind of IQ that should be sitting in some lab in Harvard doing fancy looking math or working on some ground breaking thesis.

And yet here I was. Stood behind the counter of the IT department of JojaMart wearing a dumb looking blue shirt and blue khaki pants. I was also here because really I was the only one who knew how to actually fix the computers and tablets that people brought in. Most people simply reinstalled the whole thing, taking the easy route.

And to be honest I could see why.

I always knew people were stupid but you never really realize how stupid until you actually work in customer service. People weren't just stupid, they were insane, obnoxious and complete assholes the vast majority of the time.

But at the end of the day I only had myself to blame for being here.

I put my hands down flat onto the counter top, silently thanking the surface for its calm and comforting coolness while trying to gather my thoughts back together. Dealing with irate old people always threw me off. I was getting close to calm when my thoughts were suddenly and horribly shattered by a shout that was like a whip cracking on my back.

"Membrane!"

I turned my head slowly to give a tired look to my boss, Mr Morris.

It was no small exaggeration to say I hated my boss, which I considered another milestone in achieving the American dream. My boss was a short, chubby man with beady blue eyes, jet black hair and a stupid looking polka-dot bow tie. He wore what he always seemed to wear, that dumb black suit with his blue JojaMart shirt under it. And yet even though I towered over him, being that I was six foot two, I still found myself cowering slightly at the sound of his voice.

"What did I tell you about talking to customers on the phone?"

I held back a sigh. "To always be polite and remind people to buy JojaMart memberships."

"Exactly." He folded his arms across his chest, "And what did you not do?"

I paused, then raised an eyebrow slowly. "... any of that?"

"Don't get smart with me, kid." Mr Morris aimed a finger dangerously at my chest like a smoking gun, "You need to fall in line and do as your told. Next time I hear you talk like that to a customer-"

"Yeah but-"

"No buts!" Mr Morris snapped at me. "If I hear you talk in that tone to another person I'll put it down on your monthly review, do you understand?"

I wanted to protest and tell him the customer was an angry, out of touch idiot but instead I did what any self respecting adult would do. I swallowed my pride and answered. "Yes."

"Yes what?" And Mr Morris grinned in a fashion so slimy that my skin crawled.

"Yes... sir." Ugh, I hated calling that horrid man 'sir'.

"That's right. Now back to work and don't lean on the counter! It looks bad to the customers!" And with that Mr Morris turned and walked away, adjusting his ugly bow-tie as he went.

The moment his back was turned my mind filled with the image of me rushing over there, grabbing his head and smashing it against the customer support counter-top. It filled with me kicking that smug face of his halfway across the store. It filled with me giving the man more middle fingers than he could count, quitting, and storming out of JojaMart singing showtunes.

But none of that actually happened of course. It didn't happen because I already had two marks on my review and I seriously couldn't afford another one. This job was literally all I had and if I left it I would have to begin that nightmarish process called job hunting all over again... and with a record like mine it was amazing I had this job to begin with. To be honest I think I got it only because Mr Morris wanted to brag about hiring people who went to Hope's Peak College. Not graduated mind you, just attended.

The moment Mr Morris was gone I of course leaned onto the counter and patiently waited for the next angry soccer-mom to arrive complaining that her bratty kid had broken her Cyborg phone and inwardly I wished upon whatever lucky star or eldritch force was out there that I could change my life.

By the time I got out around nine it was already dark. I threw my trenchcoat over my shoulders and ignored the stares and whispers of some of the other employees as I left. Everyone knew my story even if I never told anyone about it. I didn't need to, it had shown up in most of the local papers when it'd happened and had no doubt done the circles on social media. It's always nice to have something you know you'll never live down right there on the front page for all to see.

Still, I got into my car and took a moment to breathe for myself, possibly for the first time since that morning.

My car, who I had named Scully, was my own little bit of self. It may have been a hunk of junk with one door colored differently from the others, an engine which always seem to threaten a total cut out and almost no turning fluid whatsoever so it screamed every time I turned a corner, but it was mine. All the old styrofoam drinking cups, the discarded receipts, the 'Live Long and Prosper' bumper sticker and the orange and blue portal air freshers dangling from the rear view mirror, it was all mine. One of the few things in the world that I owned completely. I'd bought it off my father of course but even so. It was mine.

I started Scully up and set off out of the car park and down the road. As I did so I took out my MePhone and held down the on-button to bring up the call assistance, the moment it activated I called out. "Glados, call Space Jerk," And I placed it an old coffee cup sitting in the car's one remaining cup holder to keep it upright.

"Calling Space Jerk."

It went to exactly three rings before the line clicked and an old, familiar yet still irritating voice called out, "Hello? Who is this? HOW DID YOU GET THE NUMBER OF THE MIGHTY ZIM?"

"Zim you moron it's me." I rolled my eyes at his reaction. "It's always me. I'm the only person who ever calls you."

"Oh. Dib-stink. Greetings." He clearly relaxed on the other end, "What are you calling about?"

"I just finished work." I stated bluntly, "Wanna hang out?"

We weren't friends. Zim and I were certainly not friends. I could never, ever be friends with that space-bug. But we had long stopped being enemies, at least to the point where we no longer tried to kill one another. It was mostly because Zim had lost his reason for conquering earth way back when we were going through high-skool.

It had happened suddenly, almost overnight. One day he had walked in looking like his entire world had fallen apart. In a moment of pity, after several hours of suspicious observation, I had asked him what was wrong. Weirdly enough he'd told me straight out. The Irken Empire was no more. It'd stretched its vast military too thinly and had been hit suddenly by several rebel forces, causing it to collapse on all fronts. Red and Purple had fallen out, the falling out had become a fight, which had become a civil war splitting the Empire in two, then it had become even smaller as pieces of it had broken away to become their own warring nation-states, kingdoms and republics.

It was apparently complete chaos out there.

Either way Zim no longer had anyone to serve, no one to answer to, and as such he'd decided it was best to keep quiet and stay put. 'At least until the Empire comes back' as he'd put it.

I knew as well as he did that the Empire was never coming back.

And so an uneasy peace had come between us. I agreed not to try and expose him anymore as long as he didn't try to conquer the planet. Besides, with the bullies and jerks we had to deal with on a daily basis in high-skool it was probably for the best. But we weren't friends. Just ex-enemies who also hung out together sometimes.

"Hang out? I can't." The answer came swiftly. "I'm working."

"Working?" I frowned, though I kept my eyes on the road. "On what?"

"The Mi-Go want a machine that turns nitrogen into acid." Zim announced with an obvious grin over the phone, "And I'm building it for them."

This was how he kept busy with his life. Building death machines for others. He was helping spread the chaos and war that the galaxy was engulfed in and he loved it. I had to admit I was jealous, he was living his dream, I was spinning my wheels in a dead end job.

"Ugh, fine." I rolled my eyes as my car groaned around a corner. "I'll entertain myself tonight I guess." Which probably meant leftovers in the fridge and Utube videos until I fell asleep. Same as almost every other night.

"Ew, human, I don't even want to imagine what that-"

"Goodbye, Zim." And I swiftly hung up on him. God that alien was annoying, though perhaps what was more annoying was the knowledge that he was basically the only link I had left to the world of the supernatural.

As a child I had seen bigfoot using the belt sander. I had seen aliens, ghosts, demons, witches and zombies. And yet as I grew older all of that seemed to fade away. Any paranormal sightings I had were few and far between. My spelldrives no longer seemed to respond and any ghost-summoning rituals I tried failed. Even the Swollen Eyeball network had descended into nothing but conspiracy theorists, creepypastas and meme spouting trolls.

By the time I had entered college I felt as though the supernatural world had abandoned me against my will with the one exception of Zim. And yet I had held onto the slightest sliver of hope that maybe someday I would see something special, something unearthly once more.

Of course it was that belief that had landed me where I was now.

I tried not to think about it. I didn't like to think about what had happened because it made me depressed and honestly I didn't want to be depressed. I wanted to keep trying to look forward, even though I increasingly felt like I was looking right at a brick wall.

When I pulled into the driveway of my house I felt another blow to my already fragile mood. Sitting there, parked neatly in the driveway, was my sister's car. It was a black, sporty thing that no twenty one year old should be driving. But of course Gaz was not only spoiled rotten but she had perfect grades and no criminal record. She was the good child, amazingly enough. I was the crappy first attempt.

As I opened the door and quietly entered the house I hoped that she was in her room somewhere playing whatever new shiny game had stolen had attention that week.

I was not so lucky.

"Where were you?"

I hate that tone of voice she used. That commanding, smug tone she adopted whenever she simply expected me to bow to her whims.

I was the older child, dammit, why wasn't I bossing her around? Oh wait, because she was literally made of anger and black gothic hate.

I turned my head to see her sitting on the couch, legs up on the coffee table with her gameslave 3DZ in her hand. She was dressed in her usual black colored clothing from head to toe, though the green t-shirt with the Doom-Guy on it was new. Probably bought with that credit card her dad had given her.

"I was driving home, Gaz. You know, from that job I have?"

"You missed my text." Gaz's eyes turned to locked onto me angrily.

"What te-" Timed just right, as if the Gods themselves wanted to pour more crap on me, my phone suddenly buzzed in my pocket. Taking it out I read 'Evil Sis: Get Chicky Licky. I want chicken face plate with extra large poop cola'.

"... oh." I looked up and shrugged apologetically. "I'm sorry Gaz, I mean I obviously-"
"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Go get it."

I paused for just a moment in disbelief. "... Gaz I just got in from a really horrible day and-"

"I said go get it." She rose suddenly from the couch and stood there, game in hand, giving me the best death-glare she could clearly muster. I had no idea how someone who just barely came up to Zim's tiny height, even after he had gained some inches in the years he'd been on earth, could somehow appear so intimidating. However despite the irritation pouring off her I managed to hold my ground, perhaps only out of the reserves of bitter tiredness I had build up within me.

"Let me at least get changed or something, Gaz. I'm still wearing my stupid uniform." I turned from her and began walking quickly to the stairs.

"You have ten minutes." She commanded as I approached the staircase. "If you you're not ready by then I'm dooming you."

Without thinking I, for reasons beyond my control, loudly and stupidly replied. "Dooming me? What are you, twelve?"

Of course I immediately regretted this decision and just as I got to the top of the staircase I turned to see Gaz standing at the bottom, eyes flashing dangerously up at me. "I will doom you, Dib. I have spent all day working on papers for classes I don't even care about while listening to my stupid room-mate talk about fighting crime with her sisters or something stupid. So yes, I am not in the mood to deal with your stupid 'woe-is-me' bullshit. Do what I say or I'll doom you."

Woe-is-me? Who the hell was she to tell me how hard her life was when she was living on freakin' easy street? I had to deal with angry customers demanding the impossible, a boss that hated my guts and all the while suffering with the fact that unlike her I had to buy my own gas, pay my own bills and actually give housekeeping to our father. She had it far, far easier than I did and she thought she had the right to complain?

It had to be the bitterness, it was the only reason why despite having a terrible day I was for some reason arguing with her. "Why should I? You're old enough to go do it yourself."

"But I'm not a failure and I've got important things to be getting on with, like my Fighters of the Storm Two tournament tonight." A horribly self satisfied smirk grew on her lips. "You've got nothing. So get on with it already."

I was suddenly struck with a vision of myself screaming at her. Throwing that gameslave of hers out the window, wrecking everything in her room. Showing her plain and simple that I was not her damn slave.

But I didn't. Instead I simply turned my back on her and went off into my room to get changed.

I was so angry at her for doing this to me but I was angrier at myself for knowing that I would go get her food anyway. Because of course I would.

Dammit, Why the hell was I doing this for that spoiled brat? Why the hell was I doing anything for anyone? I was a genius, I should be out there chasing ghosts and fighting demons or something. I should be putting the Mystery Skulls to shame. But no, because of my stupid obsessive behavior I had ruined everything for myself. The supernatural world had abandoned me, my boss was a jackass, my only not-enemy was a successful jerk and my sister was... well she was things I wouldn't say in polite company.

Every day I felt as though I had tripped up somewhere on the road of life. Every day I felt like somewhere someone had given me the wrong directions and I was becoming more and more lost within the weeds. Everyone was doing better than me... and everything constantly reminded me of my mistakes.

I pulled on some fresh clothes and put on some spray and then I took a moment to look at myself in the mirror I had hung on my bathroom door. I looked tired. More than tired, I looked exhausted. I looked like I needed to do something, anything, for myself. Instead I was bowing and scraping to everyone else. I'd had a horrible day backed up by horrible people in an increasingly horrible life.

Then a thought hit me. Why should I have a dull night because I couldn't hang out with Zim? Why should I go get Gaz her stupid fast food chicken?

Why couldn't I go out and do... I dunno, something. Anything. Whatever came to mind first.

I paused as I pulled my trench coat back on, now dressed in my usual dark clothes and gray t-shirt with an orange lambada logo, a 3 in the corner and 'I want to believe' written under it. I liked this t-shirt, it made me happy.

And the more I thought about it the more I should do things that make me happy. I had some money in my pocket, not much but some. I had my car. I could go out. I could go watch a movie or take a walk in the park and do some good old fashioned paranormal hunting. Why not? What was really stopping me? Gaz? Zim? My boss?

I was an adult, dammit, and one mistake in the past shouldn't bring my entire life to a grinding halt. I deserved nice things as much as the next guy, I deserved some real me-time and I felt my hands curl into fists as I decided I was going to go out and get it.

I smiled to myself as I made my decision. Screw everyone else, I was going out to do something fun and to hell with what anyone else thought.

Turning to my bed I got onto my knees and reached under it, scrabbling around for what I knew was there. I soon pulled out a backpack and within it was already packed a notepad, a digital camera, some rope and some other bits and pieces designed to protect me against whatever supernatural thing might be out there.

It was heavy as I swung it onto my shoulder, but the good kind of heavy. The 'I'm going on an adventure' kind of heavy. I strode out of my room with new purpose, though I made sure not to reveal too much of it as walked back down the stairs and past where Gaz was still playing her gameslave. Thankfully her eyes were glued to the screen, though as I approached the door I heard her voice annoyingly call out, "Don't be long."

"Sure." I gave her an empty reassurance. "I'll be back in a bit. Later."

She didn't reply. I walked out and shut the door behind me, taking a moment to breathe a happy sigh of relief before getting back into Scully, throwing the backpack into the passenger seat. I started the old girl up and then got out my phone, cycling through my songs before choosing something loud and thumpy. The sounds immediately filled the car as I pulled out onto the road and I found myself grinning.

I hadn't felt so energetic in a long time, my whole body was tense and excited. I was seizing the night and all that came with it.

SO YEAH THAR YA GO KIDS. I hoped you all enjoyed the read and are all aboard for a new ride into this fic here thing. Fun fact, this is the first time I've ever really done a story in first person, so I hope that comes across alright. Please tell me if it doesn't and what I can do to improve bits and pieces.

Now usually I would note down the many, many references here but I'm gonna take a chance and leave it to you guys to point them out. I'll note them in the next chapter and so on and so forth etc, and I'll make sure to shoutout anyone who guesses the references correctly! Anyone who gets them right also gets a cool point. You want the cool points. You crave the cool points. Give in to the cool points.

HeCallsMeHisChild already has one cool point for being super helpful in reading this and giving me pointers and all sorts.

Anyway yeah, so hopefully you enjoyed all of this first chapter and you hit that review button and tell me what you think. I really do try and respond to all feedback I get, no matter how long or short it may be. Next chapter will be along sometime either next week or the week after depending, but hopefully the update schedule will be steady and regular.

Till next time true believers!