DISCLAIMER: I do not own Duke Nukem, or Kumar, or any other Superman character that appears in this fan fiction, and I make no money off of this.

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Duke Nukem v Lex Luthor v Kumar

by Kenxepe

"This...is the most diabolically brilliant plan...ever," Lex Luthor proudly announces to his aide, the beautiful Kitty Kowalski, as he scans the expanse of black jagged rocks and green crystalline formations before him. "I have created a kryptonite island. Do you know who else creates islands? God."

"Excuse me, Mr. Luthor?" Stanford, one of Lex's goons interrupts.

"What do you want, Kumar?" Lex asks, visibly annoyed.

"Stanford, sir. My name's Stanford."

"I don't care, Kumar. What is it you have to say?"

"With all due respect, sir. I have worked for many super villains before. And I have to say,...I think this has got to be the most stupid plan ever."

Lex stares at him, mouth agape, in utter disbelief. Kitty takes a nervous step backwards. As do Lex's other two goons.

"I do hope, for your sake, that you are speaking in one of those...new, hip lingoes where,...when you say 'stupid', you actually mean 'cool' or 'awesome'," Lex seethes in barely contained fury.

"Uhm...no, sir. When I say 'stupid', I actually mean 'dumb' or 'moronic' or-"

"This is a kryptonite island! I made a kryptonite island! Superman can't touch us here!"

"Well, yeah, Superman. But what about everybody else?"

Lex is momentarily dumbstruck, "What do you mean everybody else?"

"Seriously? You're asking me that question? The greatest criminal mind of our time?"

Lex just stares back in confusion.

Stanford sighs dejectedly, "I mean the police, the army, SWAT, the coast guard! You think they don't know we're here? They got satellites or spy drones up there! We're not in a subterranean, super villain lair here. We're on an island that just appeared from out of nowhere! That kind of thing attracts attention! Hell, they could hit us with an intercontinental ballistic missile any moment now!"

Lex briefly, and quietly thinks to himself, then finally speaks, "I fail to see your point."

"Oh, God!" Stanford exclaims, throwing his hands in the air.

"Look! Up in the sky!" Kitty shouts, her finger pointing upward. "It's a bird! It's a plane! It's-!"

"No, no! You're right! It is a plane!" Stanford confirms.

A large military transport aircraft passes above them. A man leaps from it. He plummets dangerously. Then, at the very last instant, opens his parachute with its stars and stripes canopy.

"Oh no," Stanford gasps fearfully. "That's Duke Nukem! They sent Duke Nukem! He punches aliens to death! Why couldn't they just send an intercontinental ballistic missile?!"

Duke Nukem detaches the parachute while still in midair. The rocky surface cracks under his boots.

After a whole minute of open-mouthed silence at the majesty of the muscle-bound blond with the military style flattop haircut, Lex finally, timidly speaks.

"You're not Superman."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Was that the plan?" Duke asks cockily. "Lure Superman on a kryptonite island so your goons can kick the living shit out of him? Seriously, what Superman fan would want to see a movie like that? These three guys aren't super villains. I don't think they even have names. I mean, you got big guy, other guy,... Oh, that one's Kumar. I recognize him."

"Stanford!" the goon corrects him angrily. "I'm not Kumar! I'm Stanford!"

Duke swiftly draws his golden Colt 1911 pistol, and blasts a hole right through the center of Stanford's cranium.

"Now, you're paste. That's right. I just sent Kumar to that White Castle in the sky."

"What are you all just standing around for?!" Lex shouts. "Get him!"

The goons recover their senses, and rush the intruder.

Duke puts two bullets into the chest of one of the thugs, and the dead man's lifeless body leaves a red trail as it skids across the black surface.

"And now, I've killed other guy," Duke laughs. "Good Lord, you people didn't even bring guns here, did you?"

But just then, like a bull, the big guy rams into Duke's stomach, the impact knocking the pistol away. The goon carries the action hero, and slams him right into a kryptonite wall! The force is so strong that several crystal shards break off.

Duke snatches one of these sharp shards in midair, and thrusts it deep into his opponent's back. The goon wails in pain, as he desperately attempts to reach for the kryptonite spike behind him. Duke gives him a mighty foot to the face. And when the big guy falls, the shard buries itself deeper, stabbing his heart, killing him.

Lex dives for the gun. His reach is short by an inch, and Duke stomps on the villain's hand, crushing the bones under his boot. The greatest criminal mind of our time squeals. He scampers backward on his butt cheeks, cradling his injured hand.

"D-Don't kill me! Please don't kill me!" the villain begs.

"I'm not gonna kill you, Lex," Duke tells him. "I'm gonna call General Graves of the Earth Defense Force. You're his problem, now. Then he'll probably nuke this island of yours. Me? I got better things to do. Like steal your girl."

"W-W-What...?!"

Duke struts towards Kitty.

"How you doin'?" he suggestively asks her.

"Oh my," she replies, her pretty face flushing. "My heart. My palpitations. How are you doing that?"

"It's called animal magnetism. A quality severely lacking in your current beau. Now, is there any place on this rock where you and I can have some...privacy?"

"Oh but, Duke, are you sure we have time? I mean, the very existence of this island is causing floods and earthquakes all over Metropolis, even as we speak! Shouldn't you contact your General friend now, and have him destroy it?"

"Baby, I'm the king. Time waits for no one,...but Duke Nukem."

Duke walks back to Lex.

"I'm gonna go screw your girlfriend now, Lex. Might take a while," Duke tells him. "But I forgot to bring handcuffs or some rope. Usually, I just kill everyone. So...can I count on you to stay put until I get back?"

"I'm not going anywhere. You have my word," Lex nervously promises.

"Nah. Better I make sure."

And Duke shoots both of Lex's kneecaps. The greatest criminal mind of our time squeals in pain again, as Duke puts a hand on Kitty's well rounded hip, and leads her away.

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Moments later, Superman crash lands on the island.

"Great Scott!" the man of steel exclaims. "Why, this is a kryptonite island! This is the most diabolically brilliant plan ever!"

Lex yells excitedly, "I know, right?!"

THE END