Chapter one
What a night last night turned out to be, Angel thought as he sauntered into the office early on a Friday morning. Three people had nearly been killed by a gang of vampires-teenagers in life and absolute thugs even by vampire standards, and then there had been that curious tip off from two girls who claimed there was a demon running amok in downtown L.A.
Pouring himself a coffee and swinging his legs up onto the desk Angel pondered whether such a demon as they described could possibly be real. Flicking open a notebook he scanned once more through the description. Average height, dark hair and, like him, apparently completely human. Unlike him this exterior had one flaw-this demon had a bizarre right eyebrow and an evil temper. The name this supposed fiend had been using for the past lord-knows-how-many years had been Garikely although this had been altered several times when it shifted from high school to high school across the globe. It fed on unhappiness which it caused by bullying the children that crossed it but had recently gone as far as to kill a student and teacher at a local school. Which was why the two girls had called him.
Well, he thought standing up and reaching for his coat, one way to find out.
Trudging through the none too pleasant sewer systems that L.A. seemed to have just for the convenience of his kind and the rats Angel considered what kind of demon this possibly could be. Wesley had researched it as well as he could and one particular kind seemed to be cropping up again and again, he was pretty sure that Garikely was an Eyebrowrus. The books had said that the only way to defeat an eyebrowrus was to shave off the right eyebrow leaving the beast disabled and easy to kill. The problem was there was only one reported killing of an eyebrowrus and that had been done many years ago by the slayer of the time. Angel had no idea how he was going to get rid of the eyebrow even if he did find the demon, a task that, among all the hundred miles of sewers added to the fact that it could walk around in the sunlight, wasn't looking all too easy.
He was totally unprepared when something dropped on to his head as he rounded a corner. Tucking into his shoulder he rolled and landed neatly and was back on his feet in an instant. Swinging around to confront his attacker he was confronted by the remotely human (but goddamn ugly) features of the creature he supposed was Garikely. Throwing his fist forward into its face he caught it square in the nose causing blood to spurt from the wound.
"Er…..Y'dick!" the foul thing mumbled as though it hadn't quite mastered human speech yet.
It flew at Angel but not before he'd had a chance to get a good look at the eyebrow-it was grotesque, twisting up and pointing to somewhere close to the creatures hairline. Ducking, he avoided the clumsily thrown punch. Carried forward by its own momentum the eyebrowrus crashed forward into the concrete walls of the sewer. Turning to look at Angel with small squinty eyes it laughed like some kind of donkey before running off in the direction of the nearest manhole.
Knowing better than to follow it Angel returned to his office to research exactly how he could deny the creature of its power source. He knew it wouldn't be easy-all through their scuffle Garikely had been careful to keep his right side away from Angel effectively protecting that vile chunk of body hair. Flicking his computer on he decided to do some checking up on the demon so he would have some idea about where it was heading. After searching he found that it stayed in a school for up to five years doing nothing but disrupting lessons and causing upset before moving on-a harmless but irritating parasite. None of this was of interest to Angel but what he read next caused him to jerk upright and read avidly. At the last school it had attended-the one where the homicides had occurred-Garikely had several demonic accomplices: Pawlbayt, a stink demon, Shawnhaz, a dangerous and violent fighting demon and Danrobbo, an eyebrowrus who had undergone corrective surgery to disguise his distinguishing feature. This certainly was news to Angel who'd had a sketchy idea that these things hunted in packs. The stink demon he wasn't to bothered about, they melted in water and the fighting demon would go and live in a cave by itself if it lost in a fight // shouldn't be too difficult // Angel thought // it says here that this one is really dumb //. The two eyebrowrus' were what was worrying him. Danrobbo would be harder to kill anyway as he wouldn't have that awful eyebrow to aim for but how could he get their eyebrows when they guarded them so closely? Finally he hit on a plan.
Chapter two
Flicking through one of his hundreds of books on demonology, Angel discovered what he had been looking for-a whole passage on the weaknesses of the eyebrowrus. Unfortunately they were few in number. In fact the only real way to get an eyebrowrus to lower its defence on its precious right eyebrow was to massage its ego so to speak. The book stated that the eyebrowrus thinks so much of itself and its appearance that it takes any compliment-no matter how totally not genuine the delivery was-and instantly trust the person that said it. Rubbing his chin thoughtfully Angel wondered where anything so hideously ugly would receive compliments. Suddenly the idea came to him and he thumped his fist down onto the desk.
"The local bars!" he yelled triumphantly before dashing to get his coat.
"He's going WHERE?!" Cordelia asked a worried look on his face.
Somewhere in downtown L.A.
Walking quickly along the corridor of the run down old place that was Los Angeles' most seedy establishment, Angel listened carefully for any signs of the eyebrowrus. His patience was rewarded when he heard a high pitched giggle reverberate from one of the boothes-a truly horrible noise that grated on him like finger nails down a blackboard.
"Oh I love a man with eyebrows," the owner of the giggle simpered in a British accented voice.
Breaking the door down with one swift kick Angel burst into the room. As he'd expected, it was Garikely but words failed him when he looked at the girl-she was probably the strangest looking female he had seen in his unnaturally long life.
"You are a nip," Garikely mumbled at him in a voice that sounded several decibels too low to be natural.
Once again Angel stared dumbfounded at the eyebrowrus and wondered how anything so unbelievably stupid got accepted into even one high school let alone hundreds. Didn't they have I.Q. tests or something?
Taking advantage of Angel's diversion of attention the creature dived for the window and plummeted to the ground with a high pitched, girlie scream. //He probably forgot that he was three stories high// Angel thought, shaking his head in disbelief.
Turning his attention to the girl (he actually felt more inclined to think of her as thing) he felt his own eyebrows rise involuntarily, she was even weirder looking up close than she had been from the door.
"Would you like to tell me what the hell you thought you were doing just there?" he rounded on her angrily.
"Why? You want some too?" she questioned, a creepy looking leer spreading across her face.
He only just managed to suppress a shudder before backing away several paces just in case she got the idea of physically assaulting him.
"In case you were wondering, darling my name's Saz and I'm a firm favourite with the eyebrowrus' so yes I know exactly what I was doing."
"So what are you exactly?" Angel asked, making sure the door was within easy distance.
"A bog monster," came the casual reply.
"Ooooohhhhhh kaaaaaaaay." Spinning on his heel Angel made for the safety of the corridor-he knew all about the natural bodily secretions of an angry bog monster and he didn't fancy spending the next three months trying to get the smell off eau de smelly slime out of his shirt.
He'd known Garikely would have ran as soon as his legs worked enough for him to stand after his fall but he still made his way round to the front of the building just in case. Nothing. Turning back the way he had come, Angel made his way back to the office.
Settling back into his chair with a book and a coffee, Angel decided to give himself the night off. No sooner had the thought crossed his mind when there came a short knock at the door.
"We're closed," he called out, turning his back on the door.
"Really?" came the reply, the accent was definitely not local. "Just we think we might be able to help you with your eyebrowrus problem."
Standing slowly Angel made his way to the door and opened it cautiously. Two girls who couldn't have been older than 16 were on his doorstep.
"Hi. You must be Angel."
Chapter three
"You better come in," Angel said, stepping away from the door so that they could squeeze through.
When everyone was sitting comfortably in the office he asked the inevitable questions:
"Who are you and what do you know about Garikely?"
"My name is Janet, this is Tracey, and we happen to know an awful lot about Garikely-although we didn't know him as Garikely."
"How can you help me?"
"The bog monster you spoke to, Saz, well she's the key to all this. You find her and you've found the demons."
Angel didn't bother to ask how they knew this. "Can YOU help me?"
"Of course."
Meanwhile in the sewers…
"Y'dick."
"Y'nip."
"Y'doyle."
The two eyebrus' faced each other, suddenly realising that they had run out of words. Garikley seemed to have a sudden flash of inspiration.
"Shurrup!"
The three other demons looked in undisguised admiration at Garikely for this sudden flash of inspiration and mumbled happily to one another for a few minutes using nothing but this new and untried phrase.
"Shhhhurrrrrrruuuuuup." Pawlbayt drawled experimentally-he had only been using human speech (scratch that-ANY speech) for a few hundred years, a mere fraction of the millenniums the others had been mastering the tongue for.
"So," Danrobbo growled at length. "What d'we do 'bout bog monster?"
Garikely shrugged, looked at Danrobbo for a few minutes in complete bewilderment before a triumphant grin broke out across his horribly disfigured features.
"Shurrup!" he yelled as though the answer to all of life's problems could be solved by that one word.
With amazing speed for an eyebrowrus, Danrobbo reached over and punched Garikely in the face. That was it. Utter bedlam broke out among the demons as they punched, kicked and bit. The only one that stayed aloof to the fighting was Shawnhaz. He was gazing at a picture of David Beckham, which he had stuck on the wall with a blob of sewer slop. Only he wasn't gazing at it like a devoted fan-more like somebody who thought they were looking in a mirror, he actually reached up to adjust his hair, collar and facial expression according to the picture. Garikely span madly out of control when a blast of toxic gas from under Pawlbayt's arms hit him as squarely in the face as Danrobbo's punch. It was Shawnhaz that stopped him landing on is arse in all the slime on the floor, but the poster got ripped slightly at the corner. Slowly Shawnhaz turned to look at Garikely, his eyes were cold and when he opened his mouth to bellow two words came out:
"Y'DICK!!!!!" he screamed before launching himself into the scuffle.
From a turn in the huge pipe they called home, a pleasant voice broke into their fight.
"Well this is awfully homely," Angel said.
He was flanked by two girls wearing determined expressions and carrying razor blades.
Chapter four
The fight began in earnest. It was really vicious and left the little squabble that had gone on before look like a playground scrap. Morphing into game face, Angel made a lunge for Danrobbo.
" ARGH!!!!" Danrobbo yelped as Angel's fangs came dangerously close to his face. "You're really ugly you!"
Ignoring this comment Angel continued to spar with Danrobbo. His major fear however was that the girls would get tangled up with Shawnhaz who he believed could be genuinely dangerous. Suddenly a high sob ricocheted off the walls. Fearing the worst Angel looked over to check on Jo and Taz. What he saw shocked him so much his jaw nearly hit the floor. Shawnhaz was sitting in a crumpled heap, sobbing his heart out over several ripped pieces of paper-the remains of the poster he had been gazing at earlier. It didn't seem to Angel that the situation could possibly get any weirder when there came the steady thud of running footsteps in their direction. Demons and people turned as one to see who the new arrival was. A tall girl with dark hair wearing a red cap ran past shrieking at the top of her lungs.
"Fred Durst's a babe! Fred Durst's a babe!"
The demons, realising they had found more than the average demon hunter in Angel, broke and ran, fleeing in the same direction as the deluded girl. Gazing in the direction they had all disappeared, Angel showed both shock at the girls sudden entrance and disgust that the demons had escaped.
"Would somebody mind telling what that was all about?" he questioned, looking at Janet and Taz who appeared to be very unconcerned at this little escapade.
"What, Laura?" asked Taz. "She does that all the time. She just seems to appear when least expected and shout as loud as she can. You'll get used to her." She finished with a confident nod.
"As for the demons," said Janet. "We need to call in the cavalry."
"And who, exactly would that be? No offence but all the people and things you two are aquainted with seem to be more than slightly strange."
"Just our friendly neighbourhood wise man."
A magic shop in Santa Monica…
"Well," started Angel. "We were wondering how we could kill an eyebrowrus without actually removing the eyebrow?"
"Hmm. Quite a difficult task. Would this happen to be Garikley? Decapitating the demon should do just as well."
"Thank you. Guess we'll just have to do that then." Angel said turning to leave.
"I can't believe you're actually gonna do that," Simonnt said, a look of disgust spreading across his face. "That is proper shocking."
Throwing him a bewildered look, Angel tried to make sense of what had just been said.
"But you just said…"
"He can be alright sometimes. And Shawnhaz'll go proper off it with you if you kill him."
Deciding it was a fruitless situation to pursue, Angel turned and walked out of the shop and back to the car where he had left the girls. Turning to look at them he said only seven words to sum up his conversation with the storeowner.
"I knew all you're friends were weird."
Chapter five
Drumming his fingers on the desk Angel considered what he was to do about the bog monster. He knew that every second she was complimenting them their eyebrows were growing therefore so was their power.
"I've got to find her," he said half to himself. Standing up he made his way downstairs to the sewer access.
Dropping into the sewers, he turned in the direction of the bar mentally going over his plan of action. //Actually// he thought, stopping dead // I don't actually HAVE a plan//. Shrugging, he continued to walk, slowing down when he heard voices up ahead. All senses alert he turned down the pipe it seemed to be coming from. Rounding the corner he came face to face with a girl of about the same age as Taz and Janet and a particularly rare gloss demon.
"EEK!" the demon and girl screamed in shock.
"Ok," angel said, taking a deep breath. "I'm getting pretty used to asking this but: who are you and what are you doing sneaking around the sewer systems?"
They gave their names and told him of the trouble they were having with a certain bog monster thinking she was all that and a bag of chips. Basically they had flipped when she had insulted them and now were out for revenge.
"So basically this was plan A," said the girl, gesturing to a house brick in a tight that she was swinging menacingly.
"Sod the brick. I'm using a sledgehammer," said the gloss demon twirling the weapon easily.
"Do what you gotta," Angel told them. "Just if they are in there, which I think they are, avoid the eyebrowrus', the stink demon and the fighting demon. They are extremely dangerous."
Confident that the job would get done, Angel turned and walked back through the sewer system. Less than two hours later the phone rang.
"Hello, Angel Investigations, we help the hopeless," Cordelia said brightly. "What was that. Really? Well there's no need to use language like that. Ok bye."
Angel looked up questioningly.
"Another of your little British friends. This one sounded angry."
"Demon?"
"Yep. This one is a…ugh I shudder at the thought…a knobbly headed demon pack."
Angel groaned and covered his face with his hands. He really couldn't be bothered with all of this at once.
"Names?" he asked, his voice slightly muffled through his hands.
"Colsaeuond, Ricveanore and Jonstawer,"
"Didn't I get rid of those guys once already?"
"Apparently they will keep coming back until you saw off their arms and bury them in the slime of a bog monster…HEY! You can kill two demons with one reason!"
"It..er..might be a little too late for that," he filled her in quickly on what had happened in the sewers.
"Fresh bog monster slime," declared Wesley, stepping into the room. "I thought it might help with our knobbly headed friends."
"Wes m'boy you're a genius!"
Chapter six
Whistling slightly under his breath, Angel made his way to the warehouse where the knobbly headed demons were supposed to be staying. The door swung open with a theatrical squeak before he closed it softly behind him. He could hear loud voices coming from the darkest, coldest part of the warehouse. Angel was silent knowing that surprise was crucial in this attack. Checking inside his jacket for the long sword he had brought along with him, he pulled it from its scabbard with a metallic swish. The voices hadn't changed, loud and amazingly like those belonging to the eyebrowrus' and friends. Peering cautiously around the door post of the room he was sure they were in he saw two of the knobbly headed demons. Craning his neck to see where the third was he didn't notice the soft footfalls behind him. It wasn't often that Angel was disgusted at the sight of a demon, but the one that jumped on him from behind made his stomach heave. He had forgotten exactly how ugly Colsaeuond was. The bald dome of his head was a fine example of his breed-as bumpy as a mountain range. But the scariest thing was the actual shape of his head. Normal heads get larger at the top but Colsaeuond's was conical and vaguely reminded Angel of an upside down egg. Ducking away from the punch that was thrown at him he drew the sword back. Staying light on his feet he took easy swings at Ricvenaore who, as usual, wasn't bright enough to think on his own. Glaring at Angel as his arms fell to the floor he let out a high pitched, keening cry:
"Colsaeuond, Jonstawer, look what he's done! Tell him!"
"Alright Angel mate?" Colsaeuond leered at him, making his large face look even creepier.
Angel didn't even bother to answer just backed off and stayed back, as though he was going to forfeit the fight.
Jonstawer came at him.
"You guys actually get stupider with age don't you?" Angel asked with a look of smug satisfaction as Jonstawers's arms dropped to the floor.
"Howay man, this is shocking like!" Colsaeuond said, going to pleading.
"Oh please," Angel said, as with two swift chops he denied him of his arms. "The last thing I need is a demon that begs for mercy.
Taking the large pile of body parts //or// he thought as he lugged the huge bulk of Colsaeuond outside in to the cool night air //looking at it another way, a pile of large body parts// he dropped them in a heap on the floor.
It was with a glad heart that he covered them with bog monster slime and saw them bubble and melt.
It was curiosity that led him to find out whether the gloss demon and her friend had 'disposed' of Saz and so he made his way to the brothel. Making his way up to the room he had found her in, he wished ruefully that she could have been anything but a waitress at the worst bar in L.A.. He didn't very much like being on first name terms with the lady in charge of the place and he could think of places that left you with a better reputation. Opening the door he was pleased to see that she wasn't there and left the building with a jaunty step. Fitting in a quick patrol before dawn, he had time to clear his head about the eyebrowrus' before he headed home. He drew a total blank, he just couldn't think of a way to kill them all when they protected themselves so well. But at least the eyebrows wouldn't grow anymore.