A/N: Apology if it sucks (see Broken Hearts Parade for reason). It was a now or a few weeks posting thing. Now better then later right?

Also, Thanks to my GF (and partly me for finally joining the adult world as a PhD to earn said tickets) for this short story. She bought me tickets to see Aaron Lewis (of Staind and solo career now) and these live songs gave me ideas. Some are he just wrote this past year (so youtube is a good place to hear if you wish chapters are named after the songs that inspired them). I love his music even the country stuff now. His music is the reason I'm still alive today.

I lost it all
I try to make it through my pain
I lost it all
It will never be the same
And right now the only thing that left
Is sadness and the shame
I lost it all

"Let's go home." Red spoke so soft that Dembe almost did not hear his request. Both men watched the scene unfold before them and neither of them spoke of it.

Dembe wanted to say something, but what do you say to a man when he watches the woman he loves rush into another mans arms. When that other man was only in her life because of you, because of a stupid mistake. Most of all, when you were the reason she was in the other mans arms. Your own fear and unwillingness to tell her a truth she needed. As the cliché goes, the truth sets you free, and Dembe sincerely believed Elizabeth Keen would set Raymond free from his pain and self loathing, if he would just tell her the truth. Dembe had done his best to help his friend, by betraying his trust and sending her to the apartment was the only time Dembe had gone behind Red's back.

The pain in Red's chest, intensified. Part of it was from the bullet wound that had almost claimed his life, but most of it he was sure was due to Elizabeth Keen. Tom was not good for her, she deserved better. Better then Red, but he was a selfish man, and clearly so was Tom Keen. He had screwed up this time, not sure what he did so wrong. The truth, she wanted it, but he could not give it to her. She would never forgive him for this one, and he was not sure he could even ask for her forgiveness. He had convinced himself telling her was only to make himself feel better about what he had done, and not about giving her what she wanted.

Even his biggest screw up could not compare to what Tom Keen had done. The man had sought her out as part of a job, married her as part of a job, continued that fake marriage and almost adopted a child with her as part of a job. He put her in danger as part of that job. Now she forgave him, for all his lies, deceit and the pain he had caused her. Red had been the one to try to help her piece her life back together after the mess Tom Keen had left behind. Red had saved her when she was going to prison for what Tom Keen had done. But that was not enough. For some reason she only saw the worst in him and the best in Tom.

Who was he kidding to think she could ever truly care for him like he cared for her. She saw him as an asset and nothing more. She was overly emotional the night he had almost died at the hands of the Kings auction. She did not mean those words she said in the SUV (because no one could ever care for him, the little voice in his head said). Red was a man with the gift of gab, so he knew actions always spoke louder than words. Her actions were very clear, all she ever wanted from him was information and comfort when there was no one else. She had made her choice. It was time for him to bow out and just be there as an asset, and continue to protect her the best he could from here on out. Those feelings he felt for her, they had to be forgotten and locked away (because it was all just a stupid dream because he did not deserve anyone's love and how dare he expect it, the voice spoke again). What a sad old man he was willing to ignore everything just to be in her life.

Dembe knew where Red wanted to be taken, and he made sure to ensure that nothing and no one could follow them. The apartment, home, was Red's closest held secret. Three people knew of it's existence, Kate, himself, and Red. And now because of Dembe's choice, Elizabeth Keen knew. Red had tried to read him the riot act when he found out that Elizabeth had been to the apartment. Dembe sat calmly and listened to his irate friend who only ended up aggravating his injuries. Dembe was confident that Elizabeth would keep Red's secret safe from the FBI. She had to know what that place meant to Red just by seeing it. It was his safe haven, the one place where the Concierge of Crime took a break and became the man behind the curtain, Raymond Reddington.

"You should rest." Dembe said once he got Red inside of the small two bedroom apartment. "When was the last time you took your pain medication?" Dembe noticed how Red walked slowly and cautiously as if every movement was painful.

"Would you quit acting like a mother hen." Red snapped his hand moving up to his chest as his burst of anger caused a sharp pain to radiate. Fucking lungs, really, he could not even get angry without it hurting.

"I will get you something to drink." Dembe said sliding past Red and into the kitchen to get his friend a bottle of water.

Red made it to the couch and gently sat down. He toed his shoes off and slowly sat back resting his head on the back of the couch.

Dembe stood over him holding out the water bottle. "Drink."

Red slowly sat up and took the bottle from Dembe's hands. The cap was on too tight, and he struggled to undo it.

Dembe grabbed the bottle from Red, knowing Red would never ask for help. Undoing the cap he handed back to Red and asked, "Where is your medication?"

"In the car."

"I'll go get it." Dembe said leaving Red on the couch.

After taking a few sips of the water Red stood up and walked over to the record player. Music had been the only constant in his life. Few knew about his avid love for all things music, especially in vinyl. While some would say the sound quality was not as great as modern forms of distributing music, they would be missing the point. There was something about the scratchy sound of a record that just made the music calming and could touch the soul. Listening to a record somehow seemed to carry over the feelings the artist had as they wrote that song. Whether it be a dark place, such as Red currently found himself, or a happy place something he had not known in a long time, a record seemed to carry that emotion through better than any other form of music delivery.

It was a Dark Side of the Moon night, Red thought as he put the record on. The album was haunting if you ever actually listened to the words.

Dembe returned with the pill bottles and set them on the table. "We should change your bandages."

"I want to bath first." Red said moving towards the bathroom slowly he really was in pain, and he wanted nothing more than to take his medication and drift off to sleep. The medication would insulate him from all the pain, and not just the physical pain. It would hug him like the blankets he loved so much, and make the events of the day, the pictures of Liz in Tom's arms, disappear.

"I will make some dinner while you are showering." Dembe decided not to fight with Red over him needing to take his medication to reduce the physical pain he was in. How idiotic his friend was being by punishing himself through the physical pain. Punishing himself for reason no one but Raymond would understand.

Red slowly removed the gauze bandage slowly glaring at the healing wound. It was just another visible scar. A few years from now, it would likely be a great story to tell some woman he was trying to bed. Not Lizzie, who wanted nothing to do with him, but in a few years he hoped to have moved on to go back to being the Concierge of Crime, and not Red. Red who he became because of Lizzie, she seemed to bring the best out of the man that became the Concierge of Crime. He'd never be Raymond again, or Ray, but he was not sure he could continue to be the Concierge of Crime. Maybe in a few years he'd be Red to some other woman, probably not that would always be Lizzies. Who knows, he could be something else, maybe he'd set himself up with a new name like had so many others.

These thoughts consumed him as he bathed careful when washing his wound that was an angry red. Hopefully it was not becoming infected. Kate would be pissed if he failed to take care of the wound and let it become infected. He'd make sure to clean it with some peroxide, that will hurt, but it will hopefully fight off what is likely an infections starting.

By the time Red had changed into a pair of flannel pajama pants, Kate had bought him for his birthday, and t-shirt with a hoodie from his days at Annapolis, Dembe had already finished cooking a light meal for them both.

The two ate with the song Time filling the room with sound. Dembe was never a big fan of Pink Floyd or some of the other music Raymond listened to, but he never objected. "Raymond she will be back. She just needs space." Dembe spoke finally after the song shifted into the woman's voice.

"I'm not so sure Dembe." Red said voicing the truth to his friend because Dembe would not judge him for his cowardice. "She has Tom now." The name tasted bitter on his tongue and he knew he sounded bitter as he spoke the name.

"She is upset. It has been a rough week. But you do not remember how she was when you were shot. She will be back. It is up to you if she will stay though."

Red knew what his friend was going to say next, and he decided to let Dembe speak. He wanted to stop him because the last thing he needed was Dembe to remind him that he was the reason Liz was in Tom's arms right now.

"You have to tell her the truth Raymond. She deserves to know. The truth is no longer the most dangerous thing to her." Dembe paused to make sure Red was listening to him, "They know who she is, and they know she knows and has seen the fulcrum. She is just as big a target as you are. However, you are leaving her to fight with her hands tied behind her back because she does not know the entire story."

Red just sat back already full despite only having eaten a few bites of food. He ignored Dembe's concerned look. "No more tonight." Red said, "Please just let the subject rest for the night."

Listening to his friends plea, Dembe asked, "Did you bandage your wound?"

"Not yet." Red answered, "I need to clean it with peroxide."

"I told Kate I would check it and report to her." Dembe said, "Is it infected?"

"It's red." Raymond replied hoping Dembe would save lecture for later. It was bad enough Red knew Dembe would report it to Kate. She would lecture him again, and not hold back this time. She was still angry with him for going back to work so soon. If he had not promised to take it easy, she would likely have carried out her threat of tying him to a bed somewhere until the wound was completely healed. Somewhere far away from Elizabeth Keen who seemed to lead him to make poor decisions. Kate liked Elizabeth Keen, but she worried more about her friend who she could see the pain Elizabeth brought to him. She also saw the changes in Red, the good ones, that she also could attribute to Elizabeth. She had told him as much, while they argued about him returning to work.

"Let me see it." Dembe said moving to kneel in front of Red. He helped his friend slide the hoodie over his head, and pull his t-shirt up. Dembe agreed with Raymond's assessment that the wound was likely beginning to get infected, "Hopefully we caught it quick enough and Kate will never have to know about it."

"I can only be so lucky." Raymond said hoping luck was on his side because he was not so sure that Kate would not chain him to a bed somewhere far away. Dembe would likely help her too, if it was for Red's health and well being.

Dembe left and quickly returned to the room with the supplies necessary to clean the wound and bandage it. "You should probably take your medication before we start."

Red agreed having been in pain most of the day. He would seek out the comfort the medicine would bring. He could trust Dembe to ensure they remained safe tonight, the Concierge of Crime could take a night off in a the apartment that only four people in the entire world knew about.

Despite his big hands, Dembe was quite gentle and adapt at dealing with painful wounds. While he was gentle it was impossible to clean the wound without causing Raymond pain. The best Dembe could do was limit it. When he finished Red was rigid and panting, the only visible signs that he was in any pain.

"All done." Dembe said softly. "Did you take the antibiotics?"

"Yes." Red answered stretching his body before his muscles started to cramp.

"Do you want to stay out here or go to your room?"

"I'll stay on the couch for now."

"I will leave you alone. If you need anything just call." Dembe knew his friend wanted to be alone for now. He hated to leave Raymond in the state he was, Dembe knew for a fact that Red would have an internal battle in his head arguing with himself over his treatment of Elizabeth. But Dembe also knew there was nothing he could do to stop it, short of making Elizabeth forgive Raymond. While tempting, he did not think he had enough sway with the young FBI agent to make that happen. Instead, Dembe grabbed a blanket out of the closet and returned to his friend. "In case you get cold."

"Thank you Dembe."

"Rest Raymond." Dembe said, "You need to rest."

"I am." Red said stretching out on the couch letting the blanket sit on the back of the couch, "See. Laying down even."

"Sleep." Dembe knew the pain medication would eventually pull Red into the dream world, but until then he would torment himself arguing with himself about whatever failures real or perceived that he still blamed himself for. Dembe wished he could say or do something to bring Red comfort, to make Red see he was not as bad as he perceived himself to be. It bothered Dembe that the man who risked his life time and again for those he card about could always be painted as the villain in the story. Have these people not heard about the anti-hero. The desperately flawed good guy, who does bad things to keep those he loves most safe and unharmed from the bad things in the world. Well if there was ever an anti-hero, Red was it. The man had saved him from a hell worst than the biblical hell or anything Dante could ever have dreamed up. Yet the man who saved him, thought of himself as a villain, a monster, a creature not worth the time or love from others. Red had made it his goal in life to be that guy who is of use to everyone, but no one really cares about him. There were a few people, Dembe and Kate, who saw past that and cared deeply for him. Dembe was sure Elizabeth Keen would be one of those people, but by the change of events, Tom Keen mostly, Dembe was no longer so sure. That man would fill Elizabeth full of doubt and spin a web of tales to make her continue to only see Red as a bad guy, and an asset to be used for the greater good. Nothing more and nothing less. That would be what killed Raymond, no man or gun could kill him like Elizabeth Keen's walking out of his life could.

"I do not think I'll have a choice." Red answered with a yawn having no idea about Dembe internal dialogue or noticing that the man just stood staring at him for seconds. The day had taken more out of him than he was willing to admit. He was no longer a young man. As a young man he could get shot on Tuesday, and be back to taking on the world by Thursday. As an old man he got shot Tuesday, and four days later he was still exhausted from just a short walk from his car to the front door of a house.

As soon as the music overtook the room again, Red was back to the battle in his head. Why hadn't he told her the truth? Dembe had been correct, in that the truth was no longer the most dangerous thing to Lizzie. No, Lizzie had made the worst possible enemy to save his life. Why had she done that again? He had asked her, commanded her never to put herself in danger again to save him. She did not listen to him, she never listens to him. However, this time, instead of arguing with her, he thought he had done the right thing by letting it go. If he had fought with her again, would she have left him sooner?

It dawned on him, what would happen if she choose not to be apart of the task force anymore? Would he still work on the blacklist, the only thing that would bring answers and hopefully the eventual end of the Cabal? Or would he walk away, and retire, like he had planned to at one point. At one point, he was sure Madeline Pratt would be a good retirement or at least a break from work. His family, the memory of them, had stopped him from joining her as he had promised. It would be a disservice to his wife and daughter, who he had thought dead at the time, for him to retire and remain the Concierge of Crime. If he was honest with himself, and the voice in his head often was, he also did not think he deserved the possible chance at happiness he would have had with Madeline. So when he found out that Tom Keen was likely working with Berlin, it made his decision easy. He turned himself into the FBI to save Elizabeth Keen from one of his mistakes yet again.

Lizzie was the victim in all of this. He had physically entered her life twice, and each time he had burnt everything to the ground. If he had stayed away, had not interfered, would she and Tom have adopted a kid by now? Would they have lived happily ever after together? Would Tom have kept being Tom Keen? What would Berlin have done if Red stayed gone? There was no way to know Red's connection to Lizzie, without Red telling someone. He had made sure that Elizabeth Keen could never be traced back to Masha. But Berlin seemed to have suspected. How did Tom not know? Berlin probably kept him out of the loop on most things. It was never wise to trust a double agent. It was like marrying a man who left his family for you, in the end if he cheated once, he'd likely cheat again.

He drifted for a bit into a nothingness as the pain medication and the soft album that had started over dulled everything.

Dembe had returned to the kitchen to grab a drink, but mostly to check on Raymond. He moved quietly to make sure he would not disturb Raymond. Looking across the counter into the living room he saw Raymond's eyes were closed, and his cat sleeping curled up on Raymonds feet. Raymond had insisted on keeping the damn cat, Dembe was not a fan at first. But that cat was as loyal to Raymond as Dembe. Quietly Dembe walked into the living room where Raymond was resting, and covered him in the blanket. The cat meowed at him, when picked it up so that Raymonds feet would be covered. Placing the cat back down, Dembe petted it and took in the man sleeping on the couch. He looked exhausted, even in his sleep. Worn out, and not just the physical kind of exhaustion. No recently Raymond had begun to take on the look of a man who was emotional, physically exhausted. The type of exhaustion that comes after a long trying year, in which, nothing seemed to ever go right. Many of people would give up, curl up in a ball somewhere, and just be, but not Raymond. He always pushed through, despite the constant mental beating he took.

Raymond was not sleeping, he was somewhere between full alertness and sleep. The in-between stage, where the slightest movement would wake him. He felt the cats weight on him and wished he had moved into the bed, at least then the cat would sleep next to him on the bed and not on him. He heard Dembe moving quietly away again, wondering if the man had checked on him or simply grabbed something from the kitchen. He was checking on him, Red realized when Dembe picked the cat up and covered him with the blanket. Raymond knew he was lucky to have someone like Dembe in his life. Unlucky for Dembe, who could have been a great professor, author maybe? Or anything really at this point, had it not been for his insistence of staying with Red.

His thoughts turned back to Lizzie. How sick was it that he wanted her? Not just wanted to be in her life, but to be with her. He wanted to be her man, the person she came to when she was sad, when she was happy, her first and last thought of each day. It was sick. Anyone from the outside looking in would see that he had stalked her since a child. He tried to argue with the vice in his head, he was her guardian angel, or at least her guardian devil. His goal was to make sure she lived as happy as a life as possible, to make up for what he had taken from her. God, she was only a few years younger the Jennifer, his daughter. She was more than young enough to be his daughter, and yet he wanted her.

He reminded himself that none of it mattered now. He had screwed it up, like he always did. At one time he had a family, a wife that loved him, and did not look at him with disdain. A daughter who adored him, and did not hide from him. He lost it all. In one night, he lost everything, or so he had thought. Lizzie had become that hope. A hope he needed desperately that maybe, just maybe, he could right all the wrongs. She made him want to be a better person, and with her maybe he could be a better person. But it did not matter. She made her decision, and he had failed once again. All because of fear and cowardice.

Now somewhere in my darkness
There shines a little light
A chance for me to be forgiven
But I couldn't get it right