Snow Whore and the Seven Doors
Once Upon a Time...Ahh screw that shit. Okay, so this one day I was brushing the teeth of my stepmothers prized dragonrabbit exactly as I was instructed, while she stood in her dank hallway and talked to herself in the mirror, Jesus Christ that woman was self obsessed. But I, Instead of being angry or upset that I was forced to do awful chores all day and that I was dressed in dishrags that were too nasty to be used anymore, I spent the day in a more cheerful mannor. Since the majority of my day was spent doing remedial tasks I passed the time by singing a few satonic tunes and throwing squirells into the wishing well for a good laugh, seeing as how my singing lured them in anyway. But one day as I was talking to the birds, who were obviously listening, I made a wish upon a squirell before dropping it to its cold death. I knew it would come true because that wasn't just any water in the well, that there was piss water.
Sure enough it did, a pizza was delived to the castle soon after. Unfortunatley I hadn't been specific enough and asked for a delivery guy that wasn't so pushy for a good tip. I mean most of them just want you to throw in a few bucks or a good blow but this guy, my lord, this guy was all, "Come away with me, I'll make you a Princess and give you the finest things in life...blah blah blah..". Eventually I got tired of listening to him whine, I mean I went through the entire pizza and he was still standing there! So I went along with it and ran off with Prince Whatshisface. And all was great for a while, whenever I went out in public people were all like, "Oh my, its that Princess Snow Whore! Get her!" Get my autograph they meant, why else would they chase me with their incredibly sharp pencils? I mean along with some knives and torches (for good lighting of course). But then one day whilst prancing maniacly through the forest, terrifying the poor forest creatures and prancing so hard that a few of them were *cough* accidentally *cough* trampled, a nice old man came up to me and said "Fair Princess, I have orders from your evil stepmother to cut out your heart and put it in this lovely handcrafted box, now may I just have a moment with you?" I would have said no, mostly because it's unsightly to be seen with other men in the middle of nowhere when you're married to a prince, but the box was so sparkly that my fish instincts kicked in and I followed him to the deepest, darkest corner of the forest.
"Ok," he said when we finally reached our destination. "Stick out your chest so I can get a good stab at your heart, ok doll face?" he asked politley. I did as I was told and he raised a knife far above his head. He brought it down quickly, only to drop it to the ground. "I...I can't!" He stammered. "I can't ruin such a beautiful rack Princess! I mean just look at those Jim-Dandies!" He gestured to my chest and then took a moment to weigh my boobs in his hands delicatley. Letting out a low whistle he sighed, "man I wish my boyfriend had ta-tas like those, then we could- WAIT JUST A MINUTE! I just remembered I'm gay, so I now have no problem cutting you up like a block of old cat parts!" He raised the knife above his head again, except more dramatically this time and began to bring it down with rapid speed and then he dropped to the ground once more. I was getting very bored. "Who am I kidding? I'm totally not gay!" The man shouted excitedly and then proceeded to moterboat my breasts (which of course were hanging out because lets face it, my name is Snow Whore). "By the way," he said looking up, "the names Chester." A wink, or a severe twitch, escaped his right eye.
I sighed, I'm going to have to let him down easy. "Listen Chester, I'm sure you're like a totally nice guy and all but I'm married to Prince Whatshisface and whatnot. But I can't just let your kind hospitality go unnoticed, I mean you stalked me all the way out here to give me this box right?" He looked confused. "Oh, yeah I totally made this box for you Princess, aren't I like the nicest guy you know?" he asked raising his eyebrows. I pinched his cheeks and from the grimace on his face it must have been a little too hard, I really need to stop taking steriods. "Yes you are! How absolutley adorable, listen like can we just fuck here? Cause ya know, husband and all, he doesn't really like it when I bring guys back to the castle. But that is such a pretty box." I stared at the box with big googly eyes and drooled some. "Whatever you say Princess! And by the way, your evil as shit stepmom is going to kill you if you go back." he said and hence we *cough* got it on *cough*.
After we were finished I couldn't help but state the obvious, because you know thats what big-titted-princesses-with-no-brains do. "Wow, it takes old guys a long time to get it up." I remarked while casually smoking one of his cigarettes and pocketing the credit card that fell out of his pants pocket. Chester looked at me, stunned and eyes watering. "You noticed?" his bottom lip jutted out into a pouty face. "Uh yeah!" I said and glanced at my new watch (which I had also just pocketed), "We've been out here for five hours, although only five minutes of that was sex." He burst into tears, "I'm so embarrassed!" And apparently he was becuase he didn't even say goodbye before running back through the forest.
Whatever, I thought while I finished my smoke and threw it behind me, starting a massive forest fire. At that moment Smokey the Bear came out of nowhere in an extreme rage. "Do you know what you have done? You have damaged countless acres of state forest!" he shouted spewing saliva everywhere. "Do you want to ruin our exsistance as we know it? Do you? We're all going to die!" I didn't have time for this, I pulled down my top. "Nevermind," he squeeked, gaining what looked like a giant, hairy bear erection. "By the way, the names Smokey." He grinned, showing all of his sharp bear teeth. "Wanna bang?"
I considered the offer, I mean he did already have it up and...NO, I can't afford another yeast infection from interspecies mingling! "Nah," I said pulling up my top, "Maybe another time." Smokey didn't respond, but a small tear fell from his eye as he gazed at where my boobs had previously been, now covered up. I didn't see why it was such a big deal though, I mean my dress was completley see-through, there really wasn't much of a difference. Apparently there was though because the tears kept coming. And then a thought came to me, I need a new bottle of perfume (mine gives me a rash), I mean I'm lost in the middle of the forest and don't know how to get back and now that Chester is gone he's no help either. I sighed, considering I just killed all of the very helpful forest animals in the fire I'm going to need Smokey's help. "Hey Smokey," I batted my eyes. "Do you happen to know of anywhere I can hide from my stepmom who happens to be batshit crazy and tries to kill me all the time? You know just for a little while?" I put on my trashiest smile.
Suddenly Smokey snapped into "Ranger Mode" and proceeded to direct me to the nearest highway, that apparently led to the Hilton. I thanked him by letting him sniff my armpit, bears love armpits, and then I was on my way. Suddenly I was quite aware that this "highway" was a rickety trail that wound deeper into the forest. Great. Instead of turning back and following the procedures that one would do when lost, I continued onward because lets face it, I have got to be smarter than this dumb old forest.
After several days of pure agony, while facing nightly forest terrors, dehydration, and starvation I was just about at the end of the trail. Then I heard a voice, "Snow Whore!" shouted James Earl Jones's deep voice from the sky. "Yes Mufasa?" I asked skittishly. "Fuck off bitch! Mufasa this, Mufasa that. I played in other movies you know! And anyway I'm your muthafucking narrorator and I'm here to tell you not to lie to these people!" He declared. "Sorry...Mr. Mufasa." I looked down at my wooden clogs in shame. The voice stuttered, "Ugh! Well...uh ... I mean you know the consequences if this continues!" Then the clouds returned to normal and the giant lion head in the sky dissapeared.
Ok, so I've only been out here for a few hours and I'm fine. Well my feet are sore and I am thirsty. Ol' Walt really should have thought about this shoe thing though, I mean if he really expected me to get anywhere why didn't he put me in some god damn Nikes? Jesus. Anyways I made to the end of the trail and where the Hilton should have been was a run down crack hut with a whole bunch of doors on it. Seven doors to be exact.
I walked up to it and examined it. Each door had a name or some slang logo on it. They also went in order by colors of the rainbow...Odd. The red door was first and it said Doctor Robert on it, next was orange and it said Snappy in Jokerman font, then was yellow and it said Cheesy, green said Bashface, blue said Creepy, Indigo said Humpy, and finally violet said Dope Addict and it appeared to be written in crayon. This was just fucking weird.
I decided to open one of these doors to see if I could find someone to help me. Might as well go in order, I thought. I opened the Doctor Robert door and peeked inside, to my surprise there was a small man in there, laughing maniacly and cutting up a small creature. Just as I was about to introduce myself my cell phone went off, I shut the door to take the call in private. It was Prince Whatshisface! He's worried about me! That's actually kind of cute. I answered the phone, "Hello Darling! Miss me? I'm lost in the wilderness, come save me?" I asked in a very whore-ish mannor. "Yeah, yeah, yeah bookclub. You're always out with your friends!" He started sobbing. "I'm starting to think that you don't like me! I mean I do everything I can, but it's hard working two jobs to pretend that I'm a prince for you!" He exclaimed before hanging up the phone in frustration. Damn.
I continued to search for help (instead of realizing that I could just call 911). I went to the door labeled Snappy and looked inside. "Hello? Is anybody home?" No response came from inside the house but one did come from behind me. "What are you doing in my house? Go on, get! Scat! Go! Wahhh! Get AWAY!" He snapped. Ohh...I get it, these are their names. Boy, am I ever stupid!
He marched past me, went into his cubby and slammed the door. Shit. I guess I'll try Cheesy. I knocked this time. Another small man came to the door but when it opened it smelt so strongly of rotten cheese that I nearly fainted. I slammed it shut in the man's face to get away. Sick, I hate cheese.
Okay, fourth times a charm. Bashface will help me. I sighed and knocked on the door, to my surprise it knocked right back. What the fu- ? I knocked again. Same results. I peeked through the key hole and once again a small man was in this odd little room. While still peeking in I knocked the door once. He jumped up rabidly and rushed to repeatedly smack his face on the door. Oh yeah, Bashface.
I skipped the door that said Creepy, because I was finally catching on to this name thing, and went down to the last two. I decided to knock on both at the same time. Dope Addict fell out of his door and passed out on the ground, crack pipe still in his mouth. Humpy crawled out of his door skitteshly and upon seeing Dope Addicts responseless body he began to hump it furiously. These fucked up little cripples really need some medication.
At this time a humongous bell that was placed on top of this awkward little hut began to ring excruciatingly loud. At this time all the cripples that weren't already outside slammed open their doors and joined the other two in a song, "High Hoes, High Hoes, It's off to work we blow!" They chanted. After this they walked about ten feet from the front of the house, set up a table, unloaded a trailer full of drugs and hung up a sign that read, "Crackk 4 Sail. 2 millyun dollurs." You have to be kidding me, a drug sale! These are so hard to catch! Wait Snow, think for a second get help first.
I walked up to the table. "Excuse me boys," I said leaming way, way over so they could see down my dress. "Can any of you help a poor girl out?" I batted my eyes in a way that felt seductive. They whispered to each other in private conference, even though I could hear everything they were saying. "What is it?" Cheesy asked. "I have no idea." Said Doctor Robert, pshh, some Doctor he was is it so hard to see that I'm a Flagnoid from the planet Zorgania? I mean it's the the third most popular extra terrestrial planet! Bashface start beating his head on the table, knocking some bags of marijuana to the ground. "A what?" Screeched Humpy happily. "I haven't humped a female since right after my birth and my mother's legs were still spread!" He eyed me hungrily.
When they turned to face me the cripple who I presumed to be Creepy turned on his proffesional charm. "What can I get you sweetheart?" he asked in a deep voice and stepped up onto the table. "We have a large selection as you can see." he leaned into me and began licking my left year. "Stop it!" I exclaimed, jumping back and grabbing my ear. "That tickles!" They stared at me with wide eyes. "Hey will you jump like that one more time lovely?" Asked Doctor Robert. "Yeah bitch jump!" Snapped Snappy.
"If I do then will you help me find my way out of these woods?" I asked with a glare and they all nodded their heads up and down frantically while staring at my chest. Well, all except Dope Addict who hadn't stopped chewing on a heroin needle since they set up. I sighed and jumped (cause lets face it, my name is Snow Whore). I stood there for a moment afterwards to take in their expressions, all six of them...wait just a second. Then I felt it. Humpy was rubbing himself on my leg, mostly because he was too short to reach anything else. I shook him off. "Now, how do I get out of here?" I asked.
Bashface hit his face against the table, giving himself such a severe bloody nose that he died right there. Right then I noticed the most unrealistic thing! Everyone of these...things...had a fluffy white beard. All except for Dope Addict. I teared up a little when I realized this was probably because he has cancer. Finally Doctor Robert spoke up, after Bashface had been dragged away by Humpy, "The old hag will know what to do!" A thought struck me. "Wait you mean the old hag that my evil stepmother dresses up as just so she can prowl around the woods and try to kill me with out looking suspicious?" He thought about it for a moment. "Nope deffinatley a different old hag." he said and started whistling conspicuosly.
"Well in that case lets find her!" I smiled, I was going to get home and everything was going to be normal again. God, I can't wait to get home and fuck those castle boys, and a few of the girls, and the cat. Pretty much anybody except Prince Whatshisface, god he is such a little bitch! And then she appeared, the old hag. "Hello dearie," she cackled. "I heard you were trying to get home while I was uh...gazing... into my crystal dildo so I brought you a magic teleporting apple!" "Sweet thanks!" I said and swallowed it whole. "Wait that's not how you use it!" She cried.
Then everything went dark.
...
I awoke after what felt like years but when I opened my eyes it was still dark. When my vision came into focus I realized I was staring into someone's pubic hair and that there was a dick down my throat. Then I heard Prince Whatshisface's voice, "Did it work? Is she awake? Snowy? Sweetie can you hear me?" He started crying dramatically. "It didn't work! She's dead!" I punched him in the balls to get him off me. "Your alive!" he said in his new high-pitched squeeky voice. "I knew that would work! Wikipedia said it would! Love's first cock! Just like it said, I'm so happy!" I tried to escape while he was going on about whatever but he was too fast and put me in my cage. Ahhhh shit! Soon after he hooked me up to his horse and pulled me home. And we lived...
HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
A/N: Well it's official, I have a sick ass mind. :) Hell, maybe you have a sick ass sense of humor, and maybe you'll actually enjoy this and find it as funny as I do. Reveiws are always welcome.
-Always Lee.