"Victory should've tasted better", she said, looking with anger at the dead chunk of metal that once used to be a geth trooper. The turian sighed and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Quarians are working on it, Shepard", he said, trying to sound reassuring. "If anyone can bring the geth back, it's them"

"Yeah. If they wanted to." She sounded bitter. "I've heard one of the engineers saying that 'it's probably better in the great scheme of things'. Tali tried to talk some sense into them, but she was politely reminded that technically, she's still exiled."

Garrus was completely speechless. "Are you kidding me? Who said that?"

"Admiral Han'Gerrel. It seems that he hadn't yet come to terms with the fact that we stopped him from destroying their whole fleet."

"What a bosh'tet", he said and Shepard looked at him in surprise. "What?" The turian smiled weakly. "I'd call him barefaced, but that's the last thing that you could say about him."

Shepard actually chuckled.

"I've no idea what would I do without you", she said, looking at the turian with affection.

"You probably wouldn't win this war as stylishly", he answered with a smug grin. That was meant to be a joke, but he instantly recognized his mistake. The Commander scowled again, looking back at the geth body.

"I'm not even sure if I won it at all." Dark undertones in her voice really scared Garrus.

"You did," he assured her quickly. "The Reapers are gone…"

"Along with several millions of sentient beings", she snarled.

"I dream about it every night", she confessed after a moment of silence. "You know, about being up there…" The Commander sighed and sat on a pile of stone rubble. "I keep thinking that I've missed something. Maybe a correct answer, maybe some kind of override… It was just a machine after all. But I was tired and hurting, and all I could think about was that people were dying, while I was talking with this thing. I wanted to deal with it fast…" she laughed bitterly, looking at Garrus. "Do you hear me? I wanted to make galaxy-changing decision fast."

"You know, Shepard… People were dying. I think that justifies the hurry."

"Yeah. But you know what I did? I ran numbers. I listened to this thing, and I ran numbers. 'Ten thousand million die so twenty thousand million could live…' Remember, when I told you that we couldn't reduce this war to numbers? I did just that."

"Shepard…" Garrus started lamely, trying to think about something right to say. Needlessly – she interrupted him anyway.

"You know what the worst part is? I had this feeling in my gut. I was pretty sure that it was a trap. And still, I played along. I was telling myself that it was the matter of choosing a right answer, but I was wrong. What was I even thinking, listening to some Überreaper and believing that I need to play by his rules? How could I willingly walk into this? I committed genocide, Garrus…" Her voice started to break as she was speaking. "And what did I get for that? A new, shiny medal…"

The turian got his bearings eventually and grabbed her arms, shaking her lightly.

"Cut it out, Shepard. Maybe I wasn't there with you, but I know you. You did the best you could. And I don't believe anyone could do it better. There were casualties, terrible casualties, and I mourn geth and EDI. But I also mourn turians, asari, humans, salarians, and all the rest that were killed during this war. And none of it was your fault. The Reapers are to blame. And the Reapers are gone. You did well."

The look she threw him told Garrus that she wasn't convinced at all. The only thing he managed to do was to stop her from speaking further – and he thought it even worse. In the silence that fell between them, he heard vibrating voices of quarian engineers working at the other end of the hall. They were arguing with passion over some programming details, which sounded esoteric even to him, tech-savvy as he was.

"The best they can do is to bring the geth back as they were before their exodus. They won't be the same as they were after Legion's sacrifice." Shepard's voice was heavy with grief, and Garrus discovered that he couldn't disagree. Instead, he reached for her hand.

"Let's go home", he said quietly. "Doctors said that you still need to rest a lot."

"Chakwas didn't say anything like that", she said defiantly, but stood up.

"Only because she knows that you wouldn't listen." He smiled at her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. "But she told me to take care of you and keep you from straining yourself. You still need to heal."

Shepard mumbled under her breath something that surely wasn't polite at all, but she let him lead her away from the hangar, towards buildings that served as their temporary residence. They were in good shape, considering the destruction that was wreaked upon London not so long ago, and most of the Normandy crew was offered room there. Shepard would refuse, unwilling to leave her quarters aboard the frigate, but Garrus made this decision for her, while she was still unconscious. She shouldn't really be angry with him. The Normandy was, after all, an Alliance vessel, and she was technically on leave. According to the regs, she should have left the ship to make it available for military use. Still, it pained her, as she started to think of the Normandy as her home. And it has been docked since war ended anyway – if she was to live there what harm could it do?

They entered the apartment – it was spacious and well-lit, but hard to heat up – and Garrus went to the kitchen, turning on the kettle and pulling two trays of food from the fridge.

"What tea do you prefer?" he asked, putting food in a heater and opening a cabinet.

"I want coffee", she said grimly, sitting at the old couch and wrapping a blanket around herself. She couldn't stop thinking about the people who used to live here before the war. She felt like a graverobber, using their furniture and blankets, but still – they were probably dead, and resources were scarce. She shouldn't complain.

"Dr. Chakwas said that you shouldn't drink more than two cups a day. You already had four", he answered, taking a box from the cabinet and preparing his own beverage. It was atchane, some weird, violet liquid, which he told her was the best thing any freezing turian could wish for.

"Then I don't want anything." She looked through the window, watching snow which started to fall while he was preparing dinner.

"Suit yourself. But it's cold in here."

"I'll live."

They ate in silence. Or rather Garrus ate, while Shepard barely touched her food. If the turian hadn't already known that something was really wrong, the lack of appetite in a biotic would have been a really good clue. He tried to talk her into eating, but after a few words she gave him such a murderous look that he gave up.

He was gathering dirty dishes when silence was broken by the loud knocking. Shepard didn't move, so he put them into the sink and hurried to answer the door. Playing housewife was slowly starting to get on his nerves, but he said nothing. Shepard already had enough on her plate without his whining.

He opened the door and looked at their guest with genuine surprise. Zaeed Massani was the last person he was prepared to see. In fact, Massani was thought to be dead or left behind on one of the now inaccessible planets. They haven't heard from him since the last meeting on the Citadel. He declared his help but Garrus was pretty sure that the Alliance wasn't offering payment big enough to ensure his loyalty. Yet here he was, standing at their door in some rugged clothes covered with snow.

"Are you going to stare like I was some kind of winged pyjak, or are you letting me in?" asked the mercenary after a few seconds. "It's freaking cold outside."

"Zaeed?" Shepard moved from the couch, much to Garrus' surprise, looking at their old companion in shock. "Glad you made it." She smiled – she actually smiled for the first time since they were in the geth hangar.

"It takes more than a few overgrown squids to kill me", he laughed hoarsely, coming in and leaving big puddles at the floor. Not that it mattered. "But I've heard that the fucking Alliance has you grounded. I thought that I might check if that's true."

"Well, the proper term is 'on leave'", she answered. "However you're right – it feels like I'm grounded. Not that I have a galaxy to save right now. Whiskey?"

"I won't say no. I haven't had a decent drink in ages." The mercenary sat at the spot the Commander left moments ago. "I can't believe that you're sitting in this shithole, Shepard", he said while she was pouring drinks. "It ain't a place for ya."

"It's not like I have anything to do. As I said: no galaxy to save." She opened a bottle of dextro whiskey and poured a glass for her partner. "Where have you been, Zaeed?"

"I went on Aria's paycheck as soon as I learned that she's helping you. Not that I love the blue bitch, but the wages were better than what the Alliance offered me. I guess they had some trust issues." He chuckled, gulping half of his drink at once. "Apparently the same goes for Aria, as they sent us to do the cleaning in North America. Boring job, comparing to London, but I've got my share of reapers."

"Pity. You could be useful here." Said the turian, seating himself in a chair facing Zaeed.

"Not sure if I regret it. I've heard that it was no small feat to keep your ass in one piece here."

"You've heard right. This city was literally swarmed..."

Trading war stories with Zaeed was so natural, like they never left the Normandy. Shepard must have felt it too, judging by her low laughter and gleaming eyes. Garrus would be jealous if he wasn't so glad that she stopped wallowing in grief and self-pity, and started to act like herself. He hoped that it would last after the mercenary leaves. Shepard needed to start living again.

But after a bottle of whiskey the discussion made an unwanted turn.

"So you have activated the Crucible…" said scarred mercenary, looking at Shepard over his half empty glass. "That damned pulse was the prettiest thing I ever saw."

"Yeah. I did." Shepard instantly sunk into her armchair, looking at her glass with frightening intensity.

"You? I was thinking that they would send a whole team there." Zaeed looked surprised.

"Only Anderson and I managed to get to the Citadel", Shepard explained flatly. "And Anderson didn't make it. I had to finish it alone."

"No wonder that they slapped a new medal on ya." The mercenary patted Shepard's shoulder heartily. "You did a hell of a job there."

The Commander didn't answer, eyeing her drink. Her lighthearted mood vanished and the turian saw that it was gone for good.

"Damn, Shepard." Zaeed noticed that too. "You've seen some serious shit there, ain't ya?"

"Yeah. I've seen some serious shit." She seemed absent, lost again in her guilt. Garrus placed a hand on her knee, but she didn't notice. Massani cursed.

"Tell me again, what are you doing now?" he asked, pouring himself another glass.

"As I said: I'm resting. Taking care of my damned health. Avoiding strain", she spat.

"Damn. It's a shame that you haven't died there", muttered the mercenary under his breath. That suggestion made Garrus rise to his feet and growl furiously.

"What the hell are you suggesting, Zaeed?" he asked with hostility in his voice. Most humans would be terrified at the sight of him now, but the mercenary just shrugged.

"If ya wish to play mother hen, you've picked the wrong woman, turian", he drawled and turned his attention to the Commander. "A word of advice, Shepard: get the hell outta here. The sooner, the better. If you stay in this shithole, you're gonna go batshit crazy before too long. You ain't cut out for sitting idle so find yerself something to shoot at."

"You've missed the memo, Zaeed? Galaxy's safe. No jobs for Heroes." She scowled at him, ignoring the raging turian in the room.

"Bullshit. There's always somebody who is in need of a bullet between the eyes." Zaeed shrugged and stood up. "It's time for me, and your boyfriend seems to be pissed. Think it through anyway. I'm serious. This ain't some shrink bullshit I'm talking about."

"It was good to see you, Zaeed", said Shepard walking him out.

"Well, Pretty. If you find something, let me know", he said, tapping at his omnitool. "It's not like there are many places to spend my hard earned credits here. I could use some action."

"Sure." Her own omnitool blinked, receiving a new contact data. "We'll be in touch."

She closed the door and turned to her furious partner. Garrus' mandibles were wide open, showing his intimidating teeth, when he growled:

"We'll be in touch? You must be kidding me. He basically said that he wished you were dead."

"Well, that wasn't really nice, but I don't need nice right now. And he has a point." She sat back and finished her whiskey. "His advice was probably the best I've heard in a very long time. Much better than all this bullshit about 'avoiding strain'."

Garrus' fury shifted into disbelief.

"It isn't even remotely funny, Shepard", he said, eyeing her gravely.

"It wasn't supposed to be." Her demeanor was as calm as her answer. "I'm really grateful that I can be here, now, with you. If I had to die, my only regret would be that I'm losing a chance to live with you. But otherwise, it would be much easier."

Turian's mandibles were tightly pressed to his chin, as he looked at her grimly.

"I've died once", she reminded him. "I'm not afraid of death anymore. It was… calm. I'd made a neat propaganda poster for the Alliance and I wouldn't care anymore. But living? After all of this? Well, that's what I'm afraid of."

He listened to her in silence, waiting for some explanation he could comprehend.

"I've fought my war already, Garrus", she continued with a pained frown on her face. "I've had my share of horrors, and now there's nothing I can use to distract myself from reliving them. And I think that I'm basically useless right now. We need engineers, architects and nutrition specialists. Not crazy soldiers, who can't even carry out their orders."

"As I recall, you did pretty well. You just ignored orders that conflicted with the important ones."

"Platitudes gone old, Garrus", she smiled despite the grim topic of their discussion.

"Riiight", he drawled toying with his empty glass. Shepard sighed and placed a hand on his arm.

"Why don't we watch some cheesy old vids and go to sleep?" she asked almost cheerfully… Someone who didn't know her well might have been fooled, but Vakarian saw deep shadows under her eyes, and that little twitch of the corner of her mouth as she presented him a fake smile. He briefly considered calling her bluff, but decided against it. It was better to let this discussion pass and hope that next day would be better.

"Sure. As I recall, you still haven't seen the last Blasto", he offered with the same false cheer.