AN: So a week and a half ago, I asked people on tumblr to give me numbers so I could pull fic ideas from the vast list of fic ideas I have. Forestfairyunicorn have me number 123, which resulted in this fic! I hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Xena.
Joxer was going to die.
Being a warrior, death was always on the horizon, just waiting to strike. Like a cobra, or a panther, only held off by his astonishing reflexes and superhumanly quick wit. And, of course, his good looks- even the goddess Celesta had turned a blind eye to his more dangerous actions after getting an eyeful of what a man he was. Had her touch not caused immediate and painful death, they would have consummated their love long ago. But, alas, they couldn't be, and so their love affair continued through looks instead of touch.
So Joxer was used to death. He had faced it many times and said "Not today, Hades. Not today." He didn't fear it, not a single bit, and laughed at the idea that it could ever come for one such as him.
But Xena was a force beyond the gods, beyond Fate and Death and everything in this existence, and to not fear her? Even when the two of them were so close, the closest of confidants (except for Gabrielle, and he was pretty sure that she only took the position of Xena's "best friend" because she had some things to offer he couldn't. Like her tongue, and her clever fingers, and her bedtime entertainment. She was one Tartarus of a bard, Joxer would give her that, and she told and wrote a great story), to not fear Xena would be the mark of a fool. And while Joxer was many things- mighty, great, courageous, fantastical- he was not a fool.
So, on a normal day to day basis, he treated Xena with a healthy amount of respect for her powers as a warrior and stayed out of her way as much as he could.
But he had to get involved. He just had to. The warlord had mistaken him for his brother Jett, Gabrielle had landed herself in a cage with a bunch of other slaves, and Xena had been captured and forced into the warlord's service. She'd been serving the disgusting man his wine, a low position for one such as herself, and so he had to step in.
Even Xena needed the great Joxer's help, and while she'd clearly been too ashamed to ask him for it, he'd seen the plea in her eyes. Some might have mistaken it for a glare, but Joxer knew better. He had taken one look at her and seen the truth. Her eyes had said 'Joxer, please, you're our only hope. Save us.' And so he'd taken action.
"I'm sorry, my lord," Xena said as she leaned over, her small top clearly showing her assets as she refilled his goblet once again- the fifth time in the hour since Joxer had been invited into the tent. "About that ambassador you're meeting with, the one you're planning on selling the slaves to? I couldn't help but-"
"But wonder when we're going to betray him and cut off his head," Joxer cut in, sending Xena a pleased look that he had picked up on her train of thought. "I say we take his money, give him the slaves, and then come back twenty minutes later with all our men and take them back! We could have the whole thing done in an hour, two tops, especially if we get one of the slaves on our side. Maybe promise one of the girls their freedom if they help out? I noticed a cute little redhead in the pen, maybe she would be willing to play friendly with the ambassador to keep him busy?"
And there. Not only had he picked up on all of Xena's thoughts, just like two great minds would be able to, but he had even found Gabrielle a role to play in all of this. And once Gabrielle was separated from the rest of the slaves, and the warlord became over concerned with double crossing the ambassador, he'd be able to free Xena from whatever had her captured, rescue Gabrielle from the ambassador's tent, and save the day.
"An excellent plan," the warlord said after a moment, nodding wisely and holding his goblet out for more wine- a big drinker, this one. "We just keep selling the girls over and over again, kill anyone who could give us away, and make ourselves rich! The perfect plan- and I should have known it would come from you, Jett."
"B-but my lord," Xena protested, scurrying over and pouring him another glass of wine, "that would tarnish your reputation! You're well known throughout the area as a top quality slave dealer, only passing on the best specimens to the buyer. To damage that ideal, that would destroy you and any future business ventures you might have! Best to let the deal go through without a hitch, to keep the people's shining opinion of you sparkling."
Once again, Joxer nodded, picking up on Xena's vibes. Yeah, her gaze might have been a bit…intense, as she stared at him over the jug of wine, but he knew that was just an act for anyone else. He knew what she wanted.
"What're you listenin' to a woman for," Joxer said, rolling his eyes and slapping Xena's ass as she walked by- for a second he thought he had over stepped, by the terrifying look on her face as she whirled towards him, but a moment later she smoothed over her anger and stiffly walked away to refill the jug. Perfect. Her protesting the plan and then him coming in and countering everything she said was exactly what would make the warlord go for it. "Come on. Who cares about some reputation- build a new one! A fearsome, terrifying one that will raze the world to the ground. Stick with me, bud, and I'll make yah rich."
The warlord laughed and clapped Joxer on the shoulder, his mirth too much to contain. When he had calmed enough to speak, the warlord gestured for Xena to come to him, gently pushing Joxer towards her.
"Take Jett here to the tent next to mine," he said, still chuckling. "And show him a good time, eh? Want to make sure he stays around for a good long while. Oh, and pass on orders to have that cute little redhead Jett mentioned bathed and prepared. As a gift- a bedmate- to the Ambassador, to show my…good will."
"Yes, my lord," Xena said, her voice sickeningly sweet as she gave a little bow, "of course. Please, follow me."
She didn't speak as they walked through the camp- a good move, since you never knew who could be listening. The tent, when they finally got there, was small but comfortable, with thick cloth walls that would at least semi-muffle their words if they kept them down. The perfect place to talk, at least as perfect as they would get in the middle of the enemy's camp.
But the discussion didn't exactly go as he had planned.
"Are you suicidal, or just insane," Xena hissed the moment the tent flap closed behind them, her fingers jabbing into his neck and silencing him before he could speak. "Do you know what you just did? Do you even understand the three weeks of planning you just destroyed?"
As if she just realized he couldn't exactly breathe when his windpipe was partly crushed, Xena jabbed at his neck again, turning away and pacing before he even took his first breath.
"The ambassador stole a very important artifact to the Amazons, and they want it back. Selling Gabrielle and the others as house slaves- all of whom are Amazons- was our only way to get them into the castle so they could steal the artifact back without being slaughtered. And you just convinced the warlord making the deal that it would be better to have Gabrielle have sex with the man and then kill him, getting us nowhere near the castle or the artifact." Stopping her pacing before him, Xena leaned over so they were eyelevel- and this time, this time Joxer saw the anger, loud and clear. "Do you understand what you've done?"
"I thought…" Joxer's voice trailed off as he swallowed thickly, his heart in his throat making it hard. He did understand what he had done, now that the plan had been laid out for him, and understood he was only alive because the warlord would think it suspicious if he died. "I thought I was helping?"
Even to him his voice sounded weak and pathetic, and perhaps that appealed to some part of Xena's nature, because her glare slightly softened.
But only slightly, and that did nothing to stop him from fearing for his life.
"Next time we're in a position like this," Xena said, her voice a low demand, "you'll wait until we can talk, and then you'll do exactly as I say. You'll promote the ideas I give you, you'll encourage the lines of action I lay out, and you'll never, ever dare to speak for me again. Got it?"
Joxer nodded quickly, his helmet sliding over his eyes as he did so.
"Good," Xena almost purred, pulling away. "Now, I'm going to go do damage control and see if this plan can be salvaged. You stay here like a good boy, and if anyone asks, I rocked your world. Got it?"
Again, Joxer nodded quickly, well aware that that was the correct answer to her question, and unwilling to find out what would happen if he got it wrong again today.
"Oh, and Joxer?" Xena paused at the tent entrance, her head half turned so she could just see him out of the corner of her eye.
A terrifying sight, because he knew he would be dead in a moment if she wanted, and it was only because of her good graces that he wasn't.
"Yes, Xena?"
"Touch my ass again, and you're losing that hand."
"Yes Xena. Sorry Xena. It won't happen again."
With that she was gone, and once again Joxer had to tell Hades not today, though not for the lack of the god trying. Because if they couldn't fix this, he was dead. Xena was going to kill him, and he'd be dead.