Author's Notes: Always had a soft spot for these guys since I was a kid. With the new movie coming out, I just felt like writing a little something. This takes place when they are about 11. Fluffy one shot.
Fishbowl
"Do you know what people do when this happens? They flush 'em. They flush 'em down the toilet and then they come to the sewer and become crazy killer goldfish. Like uh…"
"Mutants?" Leo snapped, attempting to comfort Michelangelo while simultaneously shutting up Raphael. He wasn't sure that this monologue of his would ease Mikey's grieving process.
Raphael caught the irritation in his brother's voice and scowled. "Yeah. But cooler."
"That doesn't even make sense," Donatello groaned from the couch. Up until this point, he wanted no part in this little life lesson. He was content to watch the drama unfold from his seat, taking an almost clinical interest in the events. It was the first time anyone he knew had died. And it was a goldfish. "How can they become mutant goldfish if they are dead goldfish?"
"Zombie goldfish," Raphael stated quite seriously. "They are mutant zombie goldfish. Don't look at me like that, I'm just telling you what I heard, is all."
"Is Zorba going to become a mutant zombie goldfish?" Michelangelo became wide eyed as he clung to his brother for reassurment. If Zorba became a mutant zombie goldfish, he would have no choice but to kill him. He's seen the monster movies. He knew the score. And he wasn't sure if he was prepared to kill Zorba if he had to. It was his only pet. Things were suddenly turning all Old Yeller. Except even more messed up.
"You see?!" Leo yelled at Raph by way of response. "You see what you're doing!?"
"Hey, I can't help it if I'm the only one who knows the facts around here. I hear stories about it all the time. Giant goldfish in the sewer."
"Have you ever seen one?' Donatello asked.
"One time I was out under 38th Street eating a meatball sandwich and I dropped one in the water by mistake, and I saw this huge fin pop up out of the water and then the meatball was gone."
"Goldfish do not eat meatballs!" Donatello yelled. "Where do you even get these meatball sandwiches anyway? You're always eating meatball sandwiches. Is there some meatball fairy that rides the zombie goldfish down unicorn lane that we should know about?!"
"The guy in front of that shoe store sells 'em for two bucks. There's a sewer grate behind him and I just pop up and he gives me a sandwich. He don't care as long as I have two bucks."
Michelangelo nodded. "It's true, he does. And zombie goldfish would eat meatballs." He lowered his voice as he spoke this truism. "They would start to crave human flesh."
Everyone grew silent for a moment, contemplating the flesh eating zombie goldfish with which the sewers apparently ran rampant. "We have to do something!!!" Michelangelo cried. "Zorba deserves better!!"
"We have to behead it!" Raphael jumped up.
"NO!" everyone else protested.
"It's the only way!!"
"Oh my god, Raphael, shut up! Just shut up! There is no such thing as zombie goldfish, OK?! Zorba is just a regular goldfish who died. Goldfish die. And I'm sorry Mikey, because it's sad when goldfish die. For you. I guess. I mean, I never really got what the point of him was, he just sort of floated there. It's not like a dog that's happy to see you or anything."
"Don!" Leo had to cut off yet another brother's attempt at comfort as Mikey's lip began to tremble again.
"But he was your pet and that's sad and I'm sorry. But he is not coming back as a zombie goldfish. I can personally guarantee it. Raph, tell him you lied about the goldfish eating the meatball sub."
Raphael rolled his eyes. "Maybe it was a half truth."
"You're ridiculous."
"Hello?" Splinter walked in on a somewhat frantic looking scene. He had an armload of "groceries" he had harvested from around the city. "Is…"
"Zorba is DEAD!" Michelangelo wailed, rushing his sensei with its little body in hand. "Look."
The goldfish was indeed dead. "Oh, Michelangelo. I'm sorry. Goldfish don't live very long, I'm afraid. But you took very good care of him. He had a very nice life."
"He did, didn't he? He had a castle and everything."
"He did. We can have a burial service, if you like. We can burry him at sea."
"Like a Viking!" Donatello piped up, suddenly interested in this again.
Splinter nodded. "Like a Viking. I think that would be fitting for Zorba the Goldfish, no?"
"And he won't turn into a zombie mutant goldfish?"
Splinter immediately looked at Raphael, who grinned sheepishly. Splinter then shifted his gaze to Leonardo, who shrugged. "Do you see what I have to deal with?" his expression said.
"I happen to know that if you burry a goldfish with a sage leaf, it wards off all evil. I have never heard of a zombie goldfish, but we'll do that. Just in case."
Michelangelo nodded, finally appeased. Leonardo stared at Splinter as if he were magic. "Go find a shoebox," he told Michelangelo. "We'll have the ceremony tonight."
"OK!" he ran off.
As soon as Michelangelo was out of earshot, he was bombarded by his other sons. "Is that true about the sage leaf?" Donatello asked.
"Sure."
"That means it's not," Raphael said. "Right?"
"If you believe it's true, then it is. That's the way all superstitions work. So for tonight, sage leaves ward off zombie goldfish," Splinter said, shooting Raphael a severe look. "Where did you hear about this, anyway?"
"I dunno. Around. I like the idea because it means we're not the creepiest thing in the sewer."
Splinter chuckled. He always appreciated the separate and distinct ways all four of his sons were a bit nuts. It was those sorts of quirks that made his ragtag little troop feel most like a family. "All right then. Let's have ourselves a goldfish burial."
The ceremony was very nice, as goldfish ceremonies go. Splinter snuck his children out to the Hudson later that night. They laid Zorba out on a shoebox top, Michelangelo surrounded him with his favorite things (which included his castle, some gravel, and his goldfish food since no one else would be needing it), and they all said a few words. Michelangelo of course had a very heartfelt speech prepared ("Webster's dictionary defines "goldfish" as…"). Leonardo recited a lovely warrior's eulogy he found in a history book. Donatello muttered something about natural selection and Raphael cooked up a tale about how Zorba would go on to fight zombie household pets in the afterlife as a superhero. Splinter could already see the wheels spinning in Michelangelo's head and knew a comic book was in the works. He knew Raphael knew that too, and marveled about how, in his own screwed up way, he knew exactly how to be a brother when it counted.
They finally lit the shoebox ablaze and pushed it off to sea, sending Zorba off into the great unknown. And, crisis resolved, they marched back into the lair.
Later that night, Raphael arose for his mid-night pee when he saw Leonardo watching television on the couch. "Whatchyou doin' up?" he asked. Leo was more of an early to bed, early to rise fellow.
Leo shrugged. "Watchin' a movie," he said dully, not taking his eyes off the screen. Raph turned to investigate what had his brother so enthralled and saw Leo was watching an old samurai picture.
"Any good?"
"No."
"Oh. OK…" Raphael turned back towards his room.
"In the movie, the guy's brother dies," Leo said, stopping Raphael in his tracks. He began to wish he could take back that Fresca he had before bed. "Today a goldfish died and we went to pieces. But I was thinking…we're being trained to fight. Why would Splinter teach us that if he didn't think we would have to use it? What if something…"
"Stop."
"No. No, it's a real thing. It's not a zombie goldfish or the boogie man. It's real. It could happen. I never thought about it before but something really bad could happen to us." He paused long enough to watch another samurai get run through with his opponent's blade. "And then what?"
Raphael shuddered. This was the kind of stuff that scared the daylights out of him. He fancied himself the adventurer of the group. He seemed the most interested in the goings on of the human world, but when it came to this kind of thing, he liked being in his little fishbowl. It was easy to ignore death down here. It wasn't something he thought about often. He didn't like thinking about it now.
"We're the oldest," Leonardo suddenly declared.
"We're not really the oldest," Raphael pointed out. He always hated when Leonardo pulled rank like that, and wondered when and how he decided the pecking order. And was it more or less offensive that Raphael was always placed at number 2?
"We pretty much are. We gotta make a deal with each other. If something happens, we have to promise that the rest of us are going to be OK. That we'll look out for the others."
Raphael was supremely uncomfortable. "Yeah, of course, Leo."
"Seriously," Leo looked directly into his brother's eyes and Raph realized Leo had never looked more serious about anything in his entire life. And Leo knew from serious. "You can't pull what you pulled today."
"It was a goldfish!"
"Promise!"
"All right!!! I promise!" Raph shouted. Then he noticed his brother's eyes were wet. He wasn't crying, nor was he even really on the verge of tears. It was the shiny gloss of emotions bubbling just under the surface. He felt his gut contract. "But we're not going anywhere, OK? We won't for a long time."
Raph climbed onto the couch next to his brother, intent on finishing the movie. Leo allowed his side to bump against his brother's for a brief moment, appreciating the utter now-ness of Raphael. He was here now. They were all here now. Just like that goldfish was here yesterday.
"Not for a long time," Raphael repeated, as if he could read his thoughts.
Leo nodded. Then he scooted further down the couch so they could finish the movie. The samurai's brother avenged his death and saved the family estate. Just like anyone who had ever seen a movie knew he would. And just as suddenly as he realized he might leave his own family some day, Leo knew they would be OK. As messed up as they were, they would be OK.
If they could keep the zombie goldfish at bay, there was nothing they couldn't do.