Author's Note: Warning: Now entering the possibly LEAST 'shippy portion of season one! My job, as your humble little reporter, is to relay all the good shippy stuff that DOESN'T happen onscreen...but what with Jess dating Russell (at Nick's urging!) and Nick, uh, VICARIOUSLY dating Russell...and then boinking a bunch of college girls...and then (SHUDDERRRR!) getting back together with Caroline...well, how is one little canon-loving fanfic writer supposed to make any ('shippy) sense of it all?!
Even Jake Johnson, in interviews, kinda expressed confusion about who his character was and what the HECK was sometimes going on in his head during this time. His personal conclusion was that Nick was in the middle of having a nervous breakdown. And since I'm Jake Johnson's bitch (and since it's the only way to make any sense of his character deterioration, even all shippiness aside :op) this is the interpretation I chose to roll with, as well. ;o)
Ya'll know I'm an angst-ho, so I completely intended to end this story after chapter three. I was just fine with that, and in fact, it gave my angst-loving heart a lovely little thrill. However, in the end I felt like those of you who have been loyally following my canon-limited stories deserved a little more than that, and so I decided to give you a cookie with chapter 4. And OKAY, so maybe I ended up really enjoying the cookie too! ;o)
Nick was opening the door to their apartment building when he heard a familiar noise. It somehow simultaneously set his teeth on edge and made his heart jump a little bit, but he didn't have time to analyze that dichotomy before Jess gave her bicycle bell another enthusiastic series of rings, yelling, "Hold the door, Miller!"
He turned to see her pulling up on her retro-style bike, and shook his head at the picture she made. The basket on her handlebars was full of books, and her long ponytail was curling over one shoulder just-so. She was wearing one of those dresses that made her look like a 1950's pin-up...completely, sweetly, wholesome and innocent...just waiting for a gust of wind or an altercation with a wayward dog to accidentally reveal shapely thighs and lacy panties.
She looked absolutely, perfectly, impractically, greeting-card-style adorable, and he couldn't help but point it out:
"Jess, you look like an extra from one of those creepy movies where your car breaks down in a small town where everyone is so friendly and happy, and it all feels like a perfect little slice out of time...until you look around and realize that no one ever blinks..."
"Why thank you, Nick!" She smiled gaily up at him, blithely choosing to take that as a compliment as she started to wheel her bike past him.
"Hey, Jess!" A voice that would forever make Nick's blood run cold interrupted them, and Jess turned to respond.
"HEY, Remy! I got your book!" She fished around in her basket, and finally found what she was looking for. Nick looked on menacingly as she handed a beaten-up looking hardback to their sketchy landlord.
"I appreciate it!" Remy was saying, holding up the book as he added, "You'll be the first one to know how it turns out!"
"I'm counting on it!" Jess warbled, and continued pushing her bike into the building.
Nick barely waited until the door closed behind them, before erupting.
"YOU'VE BEEN TALKING TO REMY AGAIN?!"
"Nick, it's no big deal, seriously, he's a nice guy! He's just a little...different! That's all!"
He threw his hands up in silent frustration, not even willing to restart that whole argument with her, and choosing instead to focus on the newest development: "So you're picking up books from the library for him now?!"
"He doesn't have a library card!" she said, as if that explained it all and made it perfectly reasonable. But just in case, she elaborated in his defense, "He tries to leave as small a personal paper trail behind him as possible. He's very concerned about the carbon footprint that he leaves on the world."
"He's very concerned about the FBI tracking down his where-abouts," Nick muttered, and Jess couldn't really argue with him. "What kind of book did he want you to get him, '25 Ways to Tan the Hide of the Human Animal'?"
"FOR YOUR INFORMATION, Mr. Cynic, Remy is interested in taking up the art of macrame!"
"He wants to polish up on his elaborate knot-tying skills?! Yeah, that's not creepy at all, Jess!"
"OH Nick," she brushed him off.
"And what the hell does 'You'll be the first to know how it turns out' mean?! Tell me that doesn't sound like he's weaving your name into the intricate bondage system that he's creating for his underground sex lair!"
"OOOO, like 'Charlotte's Web'!"
"I'm serious, Jess, I am FORBIDDING you to speak to this guy alone, again!"
"OH!" her chipper facade slipped a bit as she betrayed herself with a slight shudder, "I never go see him alone! I always take Cece with me!"
Nick groaned at the thought of the kind of menaging fantasies that Jess and Cece TOGETHER had to be putting into Remy's head. He almost opened his mouth to protest, but on second thought, the memory of what a barracuda Cece could be if needed came to mind, and he reconsidered that she could probably do as good a job of protecting Jess from Remy as anyone.
They were entering the elevator now, and as he pushed the button for their floor Jess cocked her head coyly, considering him with silent humor.
"What?!"
"You FORBID me, huh?!" she teased, poking him in the side, before continuing in a sultry voice even lower and huskier than usual, "How very...DOMINANT of you, Nick. Have I been a bad little girl again, Daddy?"
"Haha, very funny..."
"Am I going to be disciplined when we get upstairs?"
She was double poking him now, and he batted at her hands as he pulled away, "Knock it off..."
"Please Daddy, don't spank me, I promise I'll be good..." She delivered this plea seductively, while mock-cozying up to him for extra-effect.
"OH MY GOD, JESS!" was all he could say, and mercifully the elevator doors slid open and she pushed her bike out, laughing blithely.
He pulled a hand down his face as he watched her retreat, her pony tail swinging gaily down the back of her innocent little frock, realizing she had no idea that she'd just created a whole new fantasy to torment him as he tossed sleeplessly across the hall from her each night.
He didn't even realize that the doors had closed without him ever getting off the elevator, until he was halfway back down again.