Naraku's Office
This is a random spoof similar to "Taking Photos," my earlier comedy fic...I hope you enjoy it!
Disclaimer: I don't own InuYasha. Or any of the other books, movies, or series (serieses?) represented in this fic.
One day at Naraku's headquarters…
NARAKU: OK, everyone, from now on this place will be more organized!
KAGURA: Why?
NARAKU: Because I say so, and what the Head Baboon says, goes!
KANNA: You're just doing anything that might help you beat Inuyasha.
KOHAKU: (vaguely, deep in memory relapse) Have I heard that name before?
HAKEDOSHI: It's the name of the show, idiot.
NARAKU: Shut up, you three. This place is gonna be run more efficiently! Kanna, you're the secretary.
KANNA: Why?
NARAKU: Because you're the only one who can answer the mirror. Kagura, you're the housekeeper.
KAGURA: Why?
NARAKU: You're the oldest.
KAGURA: I am not!
NARAKU: Whatever. You look like the oldest. Kohaku, you're the errand runner.
KOHAKU: What?
NARAKU: (at the top of his lungs) I SAID YOU'RE THE ERRAND—
KOHAKU: I heard you. I meant why am I the errand runner?
NARAKU: Can you think of any other jobs in an office?
KOHAKU: Uhh…
NARAKU: Then it's settled! Now, before we do anything else, I need Kohaku to go to the village and pick up some packages. You know the drill, Kohaku.
KOHAKU: (recites) Put your signature on the form, then kill the salesman as quietly as possible.
NARAKU: See? You're already a great messenger!
(Kohaku leaves)
KAGURA: We have to do this today? I was going to stalk Sesshomaru all day.
NARAKU: What the Head Baboon says, goes!
HAKEDOSHI: What do I do?
NARAKU: Sit in the corner and shut up until I need you to kill something.
HAKEDOSHI: Yippee!
NARAKU: And do whatever Kagura tells you.
HAKEDOSHI: WHAT?! Why?
KAGURA: Because I'm the oldest.
HAKEDOSHI: But you just said—
KAGURA: Shaddup.
(Kohaku reenters)
NARAKU: OK, everyone, you should each have a package. Take it into your room and put it on.
KAGURA: Wait a sec—put it on?
NARAKU: You'll see. Just go.
(Five minutes later, Kohaku and Kanna emerge from their rooms, looking incredibly stupid in business suits)
KANNA: (Remaining impassive with effort) I. Feel. Like. An. Idiot.
KOHAKU: Yeah, you're not alone.
(Kagura enters in a flowery skirt and ruffly apron, holding a feather duster)
KAGURA: Anyone who says a word will wish they'd never been spawned!
(Naraku enters, wearing a suit and a baboon-print tie)
EVERYONE: AAAAH!!!!!
KOHAKU: Naraku in a suit…I think I'm scarred for life.
(Hakedoshi enters, also in a suit)
HAKEDOSHI: Why do I have to wear this? I don't even have a job.
NARAKU: It loans a professional air to the room if everyone's dressed up.
KAGURA: I still don't get why I have to—
MUSIC FROM NOWHERE: ICE ICE BABY…
ALMOST EVERYONE: (jumping a foot in the air) AAAH!!!!!
KANNA: That's mine. (Pulls out mirror)
NARAKU: Turn that d thing on vibrate!!!
KANNA: If you say so, Head Baboon.
NARAKU: And answer it!
KANNA: (to mirror, in a secretary-ish drone) Hello, you've reached Naraku's office, home of the Head Baboon, how may I help you?
NARAKU: Oh, you're good at this. Kohaku, I need you to go on a mission and round up some demons that I can ally with. Kagura, clean the house. Hakedoshi, stay here and listen to Kanna. And none of you disturb me—I'll be in my office, thinking up diabolical thoughts. (Goes in his room)
(Kohaku leaves. Kagura stalks off, swearing under her breath.)
HAKEDOSHI: Hey, Kanna.
(No answer)
HAKEDOSHI: (singing) Kanna loves Kohaku the Zombie Kid…
KANNA: (to mirror) I'll try to get ahold of him, but he's very busy.
HAKEDOSHI: BWA HA HA!!! My babysitter is ignoring me! I'm gonna make this place as dirty as possible so Kagura's housekeeping life will be miserable!!! (Sneaks off)
KANNA: Naraku.
NARAKU: (Poking head out of study) What?
KANNA: The Samyosho are on the line. They want better pay. They're saying Miroku absorbs them into his wind tunnel, poison or no poison, with increasing frequency. The job is getting more dangerous.
NARAKU: Tell them I'll see them tomorrow. (Pulls head back in study)
KAGURA: (Reentering) Gosh, this housekeeping gig is tough. At least Hakedoshi isn't under my feet…
(Suddenly notices that Hakedoshi is gone)
KAGURA: Um, Kanna? Where is Hakedoshi?
KANNA: (waving hand vaguely) Over there.
KAGURA: No. He's not.
(Sisters stare at each other in horror)
KANNA: (Still impassive) Whoops.
KAGURA: NOO!! The little terror's gonna kill me! I'm gonna Dragon-Dance you for this Kanna…(runs off)
KANNA: My mirror still beats your fan.
MIRROR: Vrrrrrrrr…(vibrating sound)
KANNA: Hello you've reached Naraku's office home of the Head Baboon how may I help you.
DARTH VADER: (via mirror) I am the president of the Evil Villains Association. Inform Naraku that he has missed the last three meetings, and tell him—
VOLDEMORT: (Shoving Vader away) I am the president of the E.V.A., and I demand to know why Naraku has missed the last three—
COUNT OLAF: (Tackling Voldy) I am the president of the E.V.A., and I—
VADER: (whacking with his light saber) I am!
VOLDY: (shooting jinxes) I am!
KANNA: Naraku.
NARAKU: (Poking head out) Huh?
KANNA: Some power-crazed loonies from the E.V.A. are on the line.
VADER, VOLDY & OLAF: Who are you calling a power-crazed loony?!
NARAKU: I'll deal with them tomorrow.
KAGURA: (from back of house) EW! HAKEDOSHI WET THE BED AGAIN!!!
HAKEDOSHI: (from the other side of the house) BWA HA HA…
KAGURA: I heard that!
KANNA: (to mirror) Hello-you've-reached-Naraku's-office-home-of-the-Head-Baboon-how-may-I-help-you.
RAFIKI: (via mirror) You are a disgrace to the name of baboons!!!
KANNA: (in barely concealed cluelessness) Beg your pardon.
RAFIKI: Oh, sorry. Get Naraku and tell him I want a word with him about his image.
KANNA: Naraku.
NARAKU: (Poking head out) What now?
KANNA: A psycho monkey is on the mirror.
NARAKU: Oh, him. Tell him I'll see him tomorrow.
KAGURA: (staggering in) Finally, I'm done. It took me ages, but this place is officially clean…
(Feather zooms out of nowhere into Kagura's nose)
KAGURA: (sniffing) Ah…Ah…
NARAKU: (From office) Oh, no…
KANNA: (Emotionlessly) Take cover.
KAGURA: ACHOO!!!!
(Tornadoes shoot from her nose and spin through the house)
KAGURA: Noooo! I just finished cleaning this place!
HAKEDOSHI: Yee hee hee! My mind powers strike again!!!
KAGURA: HAKEDOSHI!!! (Sprints off) YOU PSYCHOTIC PSYCHIC! I'M GONNA TIE YOU UP, AND STRANGLE YOU, AND DRAGON-DANCE YOU, AND CONTROL YOUR CORPSE, AND MAKE IT RUN OFF A CLIFF, AND—
NARAKU: (Poking head out) Kagura.
KAGURA: (Coming back in) Yeah?
NARAKU: Shut up.
KAGURA: Whatever. HAKEDOSHI, I'M STILL GONNA KILL YOU LATER…
KANNA: (to mirror) HellothisisNaraku'sofficehomeoftheHeadBaboonhowmayIhelpyou.
KIKYO: Hey. Can you get Sugar-Monkey—I mean, Naraku?
KANNA: Naraku.
NARAKU: (Poking head out and looking extremely frazzled) TELL WHOEVER IT IS TO BOIL THEIR HEAD AND EAT IT!!!
KANNA: (loudly) Okay, Kikyo, Naraku says to boil your head and—
NARAKU: Nooo!!! Gimme that mirror! (Grabs it) I didn't really say that, Kikyo sweetie, Kanna made it up…(Goes in his office and shuts the door)
HAKEDOSHI: (Entering) What's goin' on?
KANNA: Naraku's got Kikyo on the mirror. We could be waiting for a while.
KOHAKU: (Entering) Sorry, Naraku, I couldn't find any demons to help you. They all seem to find you pathetic…
KANNA: Quiet. Naraku is in his office talking to Kikyo, and if we disturb him he'll make us go back to work.
HAKEDOSHI: Are you kidding? Naraku wouldn't notice if a bomb dropped on him, when he's with Kikyo.
KOHAKU: Should we test that?
KANNA: I have no bomb.
KAGURA: As far as diversions go—not to mention deadliness—we've got something better.
HAKEDOSHI: Say no more. Step aside, people, make way for the master. (Goes up to office door) Hey, Naraku!
(No answer)
HAKEDOSHI: Yo, Banana Breath!
(No answer)
HAKEDOSHI: Inuyasha has more fangirls than you.
(No answer)
HAKEDOSHI: Asante sana, squash banana…
(No answer)
HAKEDOSHI: Rafiki has more fangirls than you.
(No answer)
HAKEDOSHI: Kikyo's in love with Inuyasha and she's only pretending to love you for her own ends and she's going to kill you and take your Jewel Shards and she thinks you're stupid and wimpy and ugly, but you're not as stupid as she is!
(No answer—yet)
KAGURA: YESSS!!! He's definitely oblivious! I am SO going to stalk Sesshomaru. (Flies off)
(Others look at each other)
KOHAKU: Want to tell her that she's still wearing that apron?
KANNA: (Impassively) Nah. She'll find out.
HAKEDOSHI: Well, I'm going to go change.
(All go into rooms and change back into normal clothes, then come back out)
KOHAKU: So, what do we do now?
HAKEDOSHI: Hmm. Maybe I'll find Dogbreath Hanyou & Co. and bug them. Maybe I'll go into the village and kill someone. Maybe I'll pretend to flirt with Rin, which would annoy Sesshomaru, which would annoy Kagura…(sighs) So many choices…
KOHAKU: Hey, Kanna, want to go out tonight? There's a great sushi place in the village. (Takes Kanna's hand)
KANNA: (shaking him off) Actually, I was going to stay here and practice being creepy and impassive.
NARAKU: (from inside office) Okay…okay. By, Kikyo honey…(Then, in a totally different tone of voice) Now, I have a spawnling that needs to DIE!!
HAKEDOSHI: Uh-oh.
KANNA: On second thought, sushi sounds great.
HAKEDOSHI: No! You can't just leave me here!
KOHAKU: Somehow I feel used.
HAKEDOSHI: We're villains. It's what we do.
KANNA: I do not take that as an insult. But they will be your last words.
(Naraku bursts through his office door, holding a sword and looking even more insane than usual)
NARAKU: For Kikyo! CHARGE!!!! (Rushes at Hakedoshi)
HAKEDOSHI: AAAAAAH!!!! (Runs around the house with Naraku at his heels)
KANNA: (Evilly) Have a nice day at the office.
(They leave)
There you have it...please R&R!
Sorry if it wasn't as funny as "Taking Photos," but hopefully you'll like it anyway.