Cure

He could still depict it clearly. He was sitting at the bar, when she came in. He new it was her, even before he turned around. Who else would come to see him though? There was no other possibility that it was someone else than Blair. He had awaited her. She was here to ask him if he was okay. Somebody must have told her that he did not feel anymore. Word spreads easily. Humphrey was around a lot to help him, and as Humphrey was hanging around with Blair, she had to know.

He was certain, she was here to cure him and tell him, that she needed him. Blair would tell him that she was leaving that idiot of a prince, who did not realize that he already had a queen by his side.

But as he turned around sitting at the bar in his apartment, there were no things she said standing on the threshold. There was just silence while they practically stared at each other.

Chuck realized she seemed unwell. There was definitely something wrong. Why didn't she say a thing? Someone else looking at the scene would have probably said it was scary because of a thick tensed silence that was all around.

If Chuck would have felt something, he would have felt Blair deep thoughts running through her mind, but he just could not figure why he sensed an odd aura of regret around her. In a way Chuck could see there was something weird about the whole situation by her disturbed looks, but then… he just could not recognize these. He did not know why she kept looking at him like that.

"I need to talk to you", she said plainly and Chuck wondered if he would find out what her mysterious appearance meant, because it seemed like she was not here for the things he wanted her to say… so badly.

"Thought you said everything you needed to say last time we saw each other", he replied, still looking at her, wishing that she would just go again, if there were not the right words on the tip of her tongue.

She looked down, like she could not face him anymore. "Chuck…" His name from her lips made him almost frown. It has always been like this: It could rescue him, or damn him. But what meant damnation when he was already sentenced to be a prisoner in a world without Blair.

He was also looking away like a response or mimicking her. She should just go, just go and not say what she wanted to say: that she would leave him forever now. He did not want to hear it. When she did not say it, it would not become true.

"Is this another misguided attempt by Dan to let me feel something?", he asked her, trying to keep the conversation going and to distract her. But at the same time he was so eager if she had one last nice thing to say to him, that he wanted to her to continue. It was ambiguous. It was him all over again.

A little fracture of his body ached her to just say "yes". Yes, it is a game. Yes, I am just doing Humphrey a favour. But this would still mean that she still came for him. It would mean that she cared. It would mean she would cure him even if that was not Blair's mere aim.

But what she answered was nothing like the expected.

Looking at him again, very steady , she said: "I am pregnant."

Now, Chuck could remember that stitch in his breast every time she looked at him with those sad, sad disappointed eyes. But he did not want to feel her bad anymore. It … it was a good message. He just knew it, deep down somewhere inside him. Og course, it was unexpected but… he could not help but thinking it had to be a good thing. He felt the warm flood of a caring feeling hit his insides and an absent half smile lingered on his face, while he hoped that she might smile back and come to him to kiss him. She would feel that he cared, right? She would feel, that he was happy to get a family. She would feel, that he would try to do everything for her.

But again, the next thing Blair said was unexpected and hit him with full force again. "It's Louis'", she said. And thus scatters all his hopes. Chuck greeted his old friend: The feeling of nothingness.

"I…", she continued nearly not hearable. "I didn't want you to find out from someone else… and wonder if the baby is yours."

He made up a sentence to let her know, that this was the right thing to do, although it felt so wrong to say it. He sounded so calm, he remembered, but now he does not know what he had said anymore. Everything was so numb inside of him. But the important thing now was to let her knew she did the right thing and thus maybe let her feel that he cared.

Again all that Chuck wanted was her to leave and let him be with his misery, with the knowledge of losing the love of his life, of losing the family he never had and now certainly would never get.

"Yes, well… " Blair did not know how to break the reason to him. She had already said too much. "If I know anything about Chuck Bass then it's that fatherhood is not part of his lifestyle."

"You must have been very relieved when you realized that you weren't carrying my offspring." He still sounded very calm. It was no question, it was a declaration.

For a second he believed to have seen pain in her face: The twitching eyebrows, like Blair realized that Chuck would have been happy if the message would have been different. But the future was set now. She would marry the prince, she would deliver their child, she would deserve to get her happy fairytale and Chuck… Chuck did not know what his future looked like. But for that he did not care.

"It certainly would have ruined your fairy tale."

"This fairytale is… complicated", Blair answered, as calm as he did all the time. Like she did not care, like she had no feelings, like him. Chuck just thought it was not right. She should not suffer anymore. He would let her alone and not complicate their relationship, any of Blair's relationships anymore.

Before Blair could say anything else, Monkey came and sniffed at her feet.

"Blair, meet my dog, Monkey."

It was clearly noticeable that Blair was surprised. "I… I saw Gossip Girl! I thought you got rid of him…"

"I just sent him to get fixed. I thought it was the responsible thing to do", Chuck replied.

She looked away from him. "I should go", she said.

"Yes", he replied still looking at her. He could not keep his eyes from her. When she went away now, everything was over…

A few seconds his old demons showed again and offered a plan to take revenge. He could hurt her, maybe. He could hurt that prince, for sure. But Chuck was not sure if he could hurt an unborn child by destroying its family. Chuck never had family on his own, so he did not want to pass on this awful fate.

Instead he tried to let go. And he tried to consume every bit of Blair, wonderful, beautiful, royal Blair to seal this image in his mind.

"Louis is waiting for me", she said.

"Of course." He still looked at her.

"There was a part of me really wanting it to be yours", were her last words, before she left him alone, in this empty, empty apartment.

Minutes passed and he still could not move.

These last words, were his damnation and his cure. He felt shaken. It had to be a bad dream. Maybe he was waking up soon, it would be after that bar mizwa, and Blair would lie next to him, to kiss him good morning, like he had imagined so many mornings ever since. But when Chuck tried so badly to wake up, and it just did not happen, he realized that it was all true. Blair would have a new family, a husband, she would be happy, and he would have to accept that. He would have to stay lonely. As much as he wanted Blair to become his family, this never came true.

And now there is no possibility it ever will.

No this was no dream, but Chuck woke up nevertheless. His body felt the pain of loss, the sudden, murdering feelings he kept away so long. He felt his injured rips, too. He felt the loss of a possible child, that was just not his. He felt the loss of all love in his live. He felt the loss of a possible happy future. He felt the loss of everything.

And now, as he lay on his bed, the place he collapsed on, he could feel the burning inside his throat and the stinging feeling all over.

And a tear running from his left eye.

This pain was more hurting than a shot, more hurting than approaching death, but it was his cure, because Blair Waldorf, the woman who took away all his feelings cured him in a way he just did not see coming.